http://blogs.fullhyderabad.com/showblog.php?blogId=165 BAaap...Begins.. The willing to speak is lost For if i utter, it will be at a heavy cost I should purge this insidious silence ...am to afraid to consummate this absence So much to say, so much to tell SO much to ask...about that now lost spell you hopped away, you little frog you leaving me an amphibian desire sometimes wet sometimes drier.... You flew away, you little peregrine you leaving me in a flight of time i think...sometimes a sin...sometimes a crime you ran away, you little rabbit you leaving me in a burrow of hope digging deeper...further you elope How now do i speak to you for i am left to only a human few how now do i meet with you for you're headed to a western dew. /\ \/ http://blogs.fullhyderabad.com/showblog.php?op=ViewArticle&articleId=1910&blogId=165 Thu, 07 Jul 2005 02:43:14 +0000 Thats how its been...a monotonically deteorating level of tolerance....towards People. I loved the world for what it was and for what is wasnt.... for its vicisssitudious weather, the vicissitudes always complementing mine.... for its grass...which sustainied the intricacies of small things for its air..which could be breathed..which could cause a lack of breathing for its sand...which was a familiar "ocular" visitor.... for its sky...which diffracted the limitless shades of blue... for its people....who spoke and listened.... This was a time...when everthing was On track...or atleast when the track was being laid...everything seemed so novel, new, remarkable and fantastic. People were fantastic, unpredictable...capricious rather...disconnected...and private..to themselves. I tread the track..... the weather sickens me...i sweat and i shiver.... the grass stinks....i keep stepping on the intricacies of excretion... the air stinks too...the breath is smelly and injurious the sand...well..it still visits the ocular..but has "distasteful" trysts.... the sky stays blue.... the people start speaking relentlessly.... This was a time....of chosing, of making decisions...of being perpetually rhetoric....people start connecting...and infringe upon private and personal space. The derailment...... the weather....is forecasted.... the grass is wet..... the air howls.... the sand....is perennially transported.... the sky redeems itself.... the people start assuming.....and stop listening. The clock keeps ticking..... Am i nobody, a noone? No, i am a somebody to everyone But am i a somebody for someone?... /\ \/ http://blogs.fullhyderabad.com/showblog.php?op=ViewArticle&articleId=1907&blogId=165 Mon, 04 Jul 2005 23:42:57 +0000 I have returned to blogging.   Why i began to blog.   My first post i clearly remember was about Friends. It was a rather extreme and strong view on the concept of "Friends". At  that point of time I was flustered by the exaggeration of the concept of Friendship, sometimes plagiarized from the popular television sitcom of the same name. People, in general, i felt were taking the concept to un-necessary extremes. They were justifying a set of misdeeds under the concept. They were violating other people's privacy and were asserting that Friendship is above all forms of privacy and reservations. I wont say that i was mistaken, on the contrary, i would say i was right to the dot.I was although mistaken in generalizing a concept which i experienced among a very limited number of people, ironically all of them eccentric and diverse in their own right, to a whole set of people who believed that they had strong friendships.    I still maintain that until now, Friendship remains to be a mere concept to me. A concept which takes on many forms; related interests, related opinions, un-related but equally proportionate responses and attitudes, kindred spirits and a flurry of other permutations. I remain to be a finitude by nature in this regard. Although i believe that human emotion is of infinite proportions, it is sadly decided by finite parameters in today's society. I know i am wrong in saying it, generally speaking. Specifically though and at least to what I have experienced, friendship is not as yet too great to take pride in. It symbolizes a seminal point in the degradation of moralities in a lot of people's lives. Drugs, Domestic Violence, rebellion, STUPIDITY, FINANCIAL WOES. These and other such anomies, i have noticed have been caused not by Friendship per se but in simple misguidance which can be more than rectified by this very concept itself.   ....hence i began to extend my writings to the public domain.   A gauntlet of penned thoughts....   Blogging was probably the best way of doing a lot of things which were before left to solitary reminisces aka MULLING. Mulling is the worst form of a degrading and perpetual thought process which is incessant and never ceases to stop. My blogs are artifacts to me, concrete manifestations of a predominantly visual world. The power of a word, a phrase, a sentence and a paragraph especially one created by one's own mind gives immense satisfaction, i reluctantly add, regardless of the content.   This basically sums it up:   What a single word can do! Thrilling all the heart-strings through, Calling forth fond memories, Raining round hope's melodies, Steeping all in one bright hue - What a single word can do!     What a single word can do! Making life seem all untrue, Driving joy and hope away, Leaving not one cheering ray, Blighting every flower that grew - What a single word can do!   The other day someone said to me while sitting in a audience, quoting from those much despised self help books; the average human mind thinks per day 60,000 distinct thoughts. I chuckled, just to make a point to the author I deliberated on 60,001 thoughts in that instant of time. Penning down my thoughts, expressing my opinions is something i have recently realized to but a fraction of my potential. From Submarines to Subversiveness; from AMD's to WMD's; from emotion to affliction, everything i thought in a profound manner was typed onto something called a post. Though it was just an extract of what i actually intended to portray, it was there, it was visible, it was written.   A lull to mull....again   I stopped...blogging...i made a conscious and calculated decision that i should stray away from the public domain and resign to being content with these written records in an exclusively secret and undisclosed location. I hated it...I hate secrets, I felt i was "writing" behind my own back. That time though I perceived this differently, i was writing in a frenzy, was becoming a zealot of the font. I would sometimes, go into a trance while writing/typing and be completely oblivious to my surroundings, something that is "extremely" and criminally uncharacteristic of me. I am a pathological observer, to favour familiarity..for all of those who have seen the movie "SPY GAME". The time Robert Redford makes "tactical inferences" from the the imagery derived off a spoon...well you get the picture. Anyway, i was carried away, and when i customarily read out my blog, i found myself writing things i should have rather kept "PRIVATE". NOT SECRET, but private. I hate to delete what i have done, to undo what has been done...(Exxcuse the circumlocution, favours melodrama...which i like!!!) I resent it. I would never deny my expressions, so instead of stopping to BLOG...i moved to an "undisclosed location". Those scripts will be de-classified soon enough..             Thus, I began   to mull...AGAIN! The mulling this time over though, was a concurrent activity to something i refer to as an "Immortal Witness": READING. This way i was thinking, reading, comprehending, perceiving and mulling at the same time. All abutting themselves in distinct forms Understandable and acceptable...by all means.   The return....   BATMAN...spurred me on to re-consider blogging. I saw the movie circumstantially alone, only to realise that I http://blogs.fullhyderabad.com/showblog.php?op=ViewArticle&articleId=1883&blogId=165 Fri, 24 Jun 2005 00:52:20 +0000 And generally let every student of nature take this as a rule, -- that whatever his mind seizes and dwells upon with peculiar satisfaction is to be held in suspicion, and that so much the more care is to be taken in dealing with such questions to keep the understanding even and clear. First, then, there is hearsay knowledge, by which, for example, I know the day of my birth. Second, vague experience, "empirical" knowledge in the derogatory sense, as when a physician knows a cure not by any scientific formulation of experimental tests, but by a "general impression" that it has "usually" worked. Third, immediate deduction, or knowledge reached by reasoning, as when I conclude to the immensity of the sun from seeing that in the case of other objects distance decreases the apparent size. This kind of knowledge is superior to the other two, but is yet precariously subject to sudden refutation by direct experience; so science for a hundred years reasoned its way to an "ether" which is now in high disfavor with the physicist elite. Hence the highest kind of knowledge is the fourth form, which comes by immediate deduction and direct perception, as when we see at once that 6 is the missing number in the proportion, 2:4::3:x; or as when we perceive that the whole is greater than the part. Whenever, then, anything in nature seems to us ridiculous, absurd or evil, it is because we have but a partial knowledge of things, and are in the main ignorant of the order and coherence of nature as a whole, and because we want everything to be arranged according to the dictates of our own reason; although in fact, what our reason pronounces bad is not bad as regards the order and laws of universal nature, but only as regards the laws of our own nature taken separately . . . . As for the terms good and bad, they indicate nothing positive considered in themselves. . . . For one and the same thing can at the same time be good, bad, and indifferent. For example, music is good to the melancholy, bad to mourners, and indifferent to the dead. http://blogs.fullhyderabad.com/showblog.php?op=ViewArticle&articleId=1773&blogId=165 Tue, 03 May 2005 20:10:11 +0000 meden agan - nothing in excess. He does not expose himself needlessly to danger, since there are few things for which he cares for sufficiently; but he is willing, in great crisis, to give even his life,- knowing that iun certain conditions it is not worth wile to live. He is of a disposition to do men service, though he is ashamed to have a service done to him. He does not take part in public displays...He is open in his dislikes and preferences; he talks and acts frankly, because of his contempt for men and things...He is never fired with admiration, since there is nothing great in his eyes. He cannot live in complaisance with others, except it be a friend...He never feels malice, and always forgets and passes over injuries...He is not fond of talking...It is no concern of his that he should be praised, or that others should be blamed. He does not speak evil of others, even of his enemies, unless it be to themselves. His carriage is sedate, his voice deep, his speech measured; he is not given to hurry, for he is concerned about only a few things; he is not prone to vehemence, for he thinks nothing very important. A shrill voice and hasty steps come to a man through care....He bears the accidents of life with dignity and grace, making the best of his circumstances, like a skilful general...who marshals his limited forces with all the strategy of war...He is his own best friend, and takes delight in privacy whereas the man of no virtue or ability is his own worst enemy, and is afraid of solitude. Such is the ideal man of Aristotle, who by no means is metaphysical...   /\ \/ http://blogs.fullhyderabad.com/showblog.php?op=ViewArticle&articleId=1769&blogId=165 Sat, 30 Apr 2005 02:35:59 +0000 Today, is a special day. Remember Pee-Wee herman? He always used to give "the word-of-the-day" and the whole show was dedicated on the usage of that word, or actions related to that word, or talk about related subjects. Pee Wee herman unfortunately became a victim of drug usage, anyway it formed the basis of my thought-process of not   letting anything get by me, be it "the-word-of-the-day" or any other thing. Personal Interest? HUH ? what is that..?Favourability towards certain subjects in life is not my thing. My life is constantly fuelled by the urge to know more and more, and just know!!! Its not a question of conquering a particular strata of knowledge, or academic flamboyancy, its the dogma called the "innate thirst for knowledge", predominantly a feature which is widespread among the species called Human.     OK !! then...so the phrase for today is : "Effluent-tretment from tanneries".Lets go n see what is there to learn about it, i dont know jackshit about it, although i have a feeling the "jackshit" forms a part of what i will be learning today. So shall we proceed ? YES we surely will http://blogs.fullhyderabad.com/showblog.php?op=ViewArticle&articleId=1757&blogId=165 Sat, 23 Apr 2005 16:27:10 +0000 Going back to the second home..... A second home! AH! I love my second home. First a brief description: There exists this compound in South Lallaguda aka conventionally known as Tarnaka, which consists of probably the most happy and content people ive ever known. This property is called Viola Villa, surprisingly i never bothered to find out the meaning or hsitory behind the name, except for the fact that i was rather content with the repeated occurence of the letter V. (*grins)! Its a compound, which consists of a "Main House", and other "auxillaries" signifying that the parents/grand parents of the joint family residing on the compound, occupy the "Man House". The auxillaries vary in size depending on the age of the chidren and relative financial status of the children/parents. This is a joint family to say the least, oh! no! not at all the ones occuring on the Saas-Bahu themes, but rather a more relaxed, i guess a more jovial environement..although there has been in the past visible tension...amongst the numerous "koddalu"s and"alludu"s. Oh! Yeah, fantastic tales of mature adults having year long bouts of silence over acceptance disparities about maid-servants/food...etc. I entered this property as a 2 year old, the farthest i can remember atleast, bascially..i have a cousin living in one of the "auxillaries". Hence, started a 10 or more year long saga which culminates into what i call "the second home". My cousin and i were initially the typical cousins, having all the same childish pursuits of exploration and all the innocent stuff. But adoloscence, like always, changes a whole lotta things, he got girlfriends, i didn't..i got a computer, he didn't. He "continued" playing cricket, i "continued" studying. Basically there ended the mutual "cousin" understandings and relationship, but the bond with the house, I never lost. It was the house i always wanted to live in; the one with a real garden with real vegetation, seperate "auxillaries" for the servant quarters, a SUMMER HOUSE!!!! Long halls, huge bedrooms, and stuff like that! The main house which initially was the only house with a tv, saw all the children of the compound (about 5-6 of them) coming and watching Cartoons, and cheering for either "Grandizer" or "Ninja Robots" or "Small Wonder". There were 3 boys, and 2 girls when i was a kid, all of us cousins in some way or the other. All 3 boys being older, had their own seperate fun, while the 2 girls had their bringing up done by the "kodallu"s and the parents respectively. There were times when i stayed in this house for months together, never wanting to return home except for that unexpected bout of a bronchitis attack, where i had to be nursed back to health only to go back and be part of the fun. Sports was the bloodline of this house and moresoever, Cricket ran through everyone's veins. I can only imagine how many times we played cricket, with each other, how many times we fought over whether the ball hit the imaginary wicket or not. Even in this prospect, benefit of the doubt was usually given to the batsman, although he was totally unaware of the dimensions of the wicket. It was totally based upon a balance of intuition and convincing ability (trump card being "mother dead promise"), a phrase which whenever used, sent the oppsing team back, resigning to the fact that they couldnt handle the intensity of the situation. I saw my first episode of Baywatch there, developed my craving for the "American Goodies" over there, plucked my first fruits, climbed my first wall, and a whole list of athletic "firsts". But most probably the most important of all, i discovered a normal childhood there, one where evenings was by defacto playing time, nights was dinner and sleep ONLY, mornings were "sweet chappati"!!!! Sure, there were fights among us kids, which wavered between one being jealous over the other for being either too good in sports or the other being too good in studies (RELATIVELY SPEAKING). But at the end of the day, everything fizzled off over probably an action packed NightRider/StreetHawk/He-Man episode. Whew! There is so much to talk about this place..i can probably recollect every incident that ever took place there. It was the conventional children's haven. Even now, as i write this down, a new generation of children is growing up right there! Now there are a set of twins also! Viola Villa /\ \/ (See!!! :D) http://blogs.fullhyderabad.com/showblog.php?op=ViewArticle&articleId=1740&blogId=165 Thu, 14 Apr 2005 02:04:01 +0000 The sense In my head there is a little thing called a sense It has no defined role, no compulsory cerebral essence Its free like the wind that sweeps through the stagnant air It can be full of joy, full of sadness, but also bare The sense i recall i previously had was limited to pages and screens, more like a fad This sense now, which I posess has extended to people, only to become a mess The sense now which i posess is silly and stupid , but thats only the crest For deep within the epidermal silos lies a fragment of my previous sense buried under emotional pillows Sense is something you need to get No, no, not get as in learn Ah! there...this sense u cannot yearn It is something that just hits you then hits you, strikes you, whatever that meant I love my sense for i know it is young Unlike the covered silos, bearded skin dung ....There goes my sense again rambling and ranting about losses or gains Sigh it is like a boy http://blogs.fullhyderabad.com/showblog.php?op=ViewArticle&articleId=1703&blogId=165 Thu, 31 Mar 2005 01:21:05 +0000 When you walk down a long road, while thinking intensely about something, you stop later to find out how much distance you have covered. Part of you takes pride in the fact of covering so much distance in a percievably less amount of time while a major part of you laments on how you missed out seeing the things along that traversed path.It happens to me quite often actually in reality, but in retrospect, in overview of my life, this "walk of life" has been similar. I turn back to see now on how much distance i have covered. I do take pride in how much i have traversed/achieved, in the friendships i have made, kept, broken, and re-established again only to be more stronger. I am fully aware of this quite un-necessary "prophetic" way of speaking, partly it has been influenced by just seeing LOTR, partly because efectively i have a broken leg and wear a knee brace maufactured by a company called MGRM (May God Rehabilitate Mankind), and partly because i finally realise that the people i care for do care for me too. Illustrations: Before though, this wasn't true. Friendship, as much as i have despised the explicit usage of the term, was a mere statistic to me, a metric which was more of a calculable quantity than an abstract, natural force which forms the basis for everything ranging from Society to Anhiliation. I denied it while it was presented to me, i yearned for it while it was taken away from me. No i havent lost any friends, nor have any paths been crossed (while i look back). Its just that, as i sit here partially disabled, contemplating on my relationship with people around me and my responses to the things i need to respond to, i find no errors neither do i find any successes. I once said "I am not happy with life, rather content", dint know jackshit of what i was saying at that time, it was more of a "HMPH kya boley...moment" than anything else. Now though i think i can understand the difference between being Happy and being Content. I can confidently say that from the age of around 9 until now, i was never happy but very content. Be it academic success or family harmony or friendly relations, none of the afore mentioned 3 parameters possessed equal magnitudes. This is a time for rest, a time for inconsequential contemplation not disturbed by unnecessary complexity nor neglect. The past 2 and a half hours watching LOTR on HBO with the uncut scenes lead me to this piece of verse. A silent message, which i recommend to whisper rather than read aloud: A soldier is wounded in the daily battle He retires into sobriety, a place without societal cackle Movement is restricted, but thought emancipated After lengthy days and nights, both tainted Tainted with hope, tainted with joy Tainted with sorrow, tainted after a cry He remains tainted, this wounded soldier The stain remains, but the scar is mere Nursed himself did he, before the wound To have begot a feeling he should have felt soon Take heed my friend who thinks thou are bad You love too much, too many, to be had Take rest my friend for you are tired Exasperated by those, those who have made you a crier I have cried alone which is of great crime For if i shared my sorrow, it would need less time I have loved alone which is of great shame For if my love was shared, it would need less pain Take rest my friend for you have long to go For if you rest, you can "sing a poh" Whew...wok...just finished seeing Futurama..and all can "kiss my shiny metal ass...goodbye"! Futurama rocks totally! It very well could be the closest interpretation of future 1000 years from now, leaving apart of course the All-purpose spray and the portable suicide booths and the robot whos got "mojo". Anyway, its a fun show with cartoons yelling out stuf like ass and other lower ordered tv-biased profanities which would make the higher-ordered profanity user go "ooooh". The other day, i went to this lake..yup a lake beside me college. There were 4 of us males. I use the word males, due to lack of contextual choice. I cant use guys..because we dont fit into that stereotype, i cant say men, because apparently i "no longer" fit into that stereotype (cause: Shaving has reduced by visible age to 14, nothing to do with sexual preference!). Males though seems apt, because we all share the same caveman carnal once-in-a-while hard on when we see Katrina Kaif or something like that. There ends the similarity though, anyway 3 of us males got stoned while the remaining one literally got STONED, whcih resulted in the karmic completion of a cycle which was ensuing among 3 outta the 4 males. Illustrations : As far as the road goes (Woo-Hoo PUN!...i think), there's still a whole lotta road to go before the next time i look back, but now that i do look back, i am content and well maybe even a li'll happy.Hopefully the next time i make the restrospected turn of the head, i wont be physically maimed.Illustrations of mera injury: As i start walking again, there are people right now who are making their OWN stops, people who im sure will turn back and look at nothing but sludge and as i put it "Duttyness". The above poem applies to them too.Oh ! and i totally forgot, now after i make this stop, i walk ahead signing and prolly a small jive also...YES!!!! Song and Dance (Both preferably soliratily done) shall accompany me where-ever i go...(Yoddle yaeeeeeeee ooooooooooh). PS: Walking funda motivated by my current disability to walk due to repetition of damage to the crucial or lateral ligaments in the knee region. /\ \/ http://blogs.fullhyderabad.com/showblog.php?op=ViewArticle&articleId=1506&blogId=165 Fri, 18 Feb 2005 03:33:07 +0000 This week has been Strangely Normal...apart from the korniest and most monotonous starting to yet another post! Heer goes....I feel elevated, less encumbered, light..mentally speaking. Although my work load has been increasing progressively over the week, its the mind that is like.....taking a vacation of sorts and brain jumping into the front seat. Emotions have overwhelmed me for a long time now....something that i always wanted to be overwhelmed by emotions. But this wasnt a deluge of emotional pleasure or rather emotional expereinces. It was emoional HELL!  Everything became this SOB-SAD strory....everything...songs,places/weather/people..they were just a source to one bigh HELLUVA WHINE. I hate whining, i just despise it...it sickens me to the core....and to know i was doing it...made it even more disgusting. I was pissed with myself.Yesterday i maroed dialogue....i am not happy with my life, but i m content. Im sorry that was a WHINE. Over the past couple of months, i have whined like no one before, and the worstt part is, I actually made people listen to it...While doing it i was convincing myself, that i have open up more to people...Hence i WHINE???? Bullcrap!  I have learnt that, at the drop of a hat you can be made into an emotional play thing....its like those extremely flexible sponge ball thingys you become...when you become emotional with a person, you arent sure trusts you, likes you, hell loves you...I felt like that and godammit will i regret it for the rest of my life. From now i make a vow never ever to OPEN UP TO ANYONE i feel is unsure/vague about the person i am, the friend i am to them etc etc in that order of aquaintance....  You just have to remain this Clandestine piece of bullcrap, always walking among shadows, always changing the topic dextrously when someone asks you something personal. This World is one sad place....i tell you..People arent sure about anything anymore...Some bum wants to be kewl, someoe wants to ace the GRE, someone wants to conduct a frikking college fest...while some just want either be loved or be hated! Simple 2 sided equation...nothing in the middle....From now i judge things only on whether i love or hate them! Humans in this age of "urbanization", "metrosexualness", "Sitcom (fukking) savvy" arent deserving to posess a myriad of emotions....especially those who are judged both by performance in absolute things and abstract things..Hence i take upon the shame of being a Human in this sad..unsure world and become an Anti-emotionalist...Yeah i know what im giving up on....im giving up on the very essence of humanity...liberality....diversity...but on the other hand...posessing qualities like these always have a price tag: WHINING..sitting in your god foresaken suburban apartment and lamenting on what you could have done to make things better...BUT YOU COULDNT HAVE NOTHIN...cz the WHOLE WORLD IS UNSURE....!!!!!!!!!!  Its like a 6 billion strong status quo. From now on, my qualities are encompassed by the following words, words that the Unsure world despises..: Monotonous Iterative Repetitive Boring Constant ..oh! and the winner of em all SURE! If being all the above means, being a reticent person, un-communicative...monosyllabical....rude..THEN SO BE IT. All this while , i have lived in the stagnant and redundant filth of human emotion that has destroyed me as a performer in this society. (HMPH...KYA BOLEY). /\ \/ Screw you guys im going home! http://blogs.fullhyderabad.com/showblog.php?op=ViewArticle&articleId=1478&blogId=165 Sat, 05 Feb 2005 09:02:14 +0000