How to argue better

counsellor — Mon, 12 Feb 2007 15:26:52 +0530

When we disagree on something, it can easily turn into an argument. When you begin arguing, it means you could be misunderstanding the other person.

Arguments happen when each person is trying to put his point across and wants the other person to listen to him. It is only when people share thoughts and listen to each other, that a discussion takes place.

Silence during an argument can most easily be misinterpreted.

Simple misunderstandings could be the root of all frustrations.

Arguments can get worse depending on the tone of voice used. Because in arguments, sometimes, it is not what you say but how you say it that paves the way for further damage.

Arguments take place when we do not take the ownership of a problem, in a way blame the other person for the problem

Getting into details in an argument could mean a diversion from the actual problem.

Arguments happen when we do not agree with what's on the other person's mind.

Arguments should not be about who is right or wrong but should be about how it is ended.

Arguments are nothing about the topic most of the times, they move on to personal preferences and underlying emotional needs that have not been taken care of.

Once we start arguing, we start blaming, complaining, accusing, finding fault and resenting.

When arguments get out of hand, we tend to vent out our frustrations and this damages the relationship further.

Sometimes arguing can ease the tension between you and your partner. Especially, when you are sure that your partner will not hold things against you or will not love you less for the way you feel.

Do not negotiate during an argument, but find a later peaceful time to do so.

Agree to disagree on some things.

If approached properly, arguments can actually clear the air and help in a better relationship.

Everything you need to know before you get married

counsellor — Mon, 12 Feb 2007 15:15:27 +0530

Today we live in a time where marriage is not predictable and lasting. Social taboos no longer insist that the marriage needs to continue in spite of the odds. Relationships are now based on open-hearted choices, and emotional forces between the husband and wife play a larger role in keeping the marriage going.

There is no perfect relationship because there are no perfect people.

Nothing on this earth can turn your partner into the person you want him or her to be.

Nothing or no one can guarantee to keep your marriage together. Each and every one has to work towards keeping it going.

Marriage does not automatically sort problems for you.

Being in love will not automatically sort out the problems for you.

You are responsible for your own happiness. If you think that your partner is going to make you happy after you get married, you are wrong. You cannot expect someone else to make you happy.

Marriage is not like the wedding party or honeymoon - pure bliss. Focus and plan for your life after the wedding as much as you plan for the wedding day itself.

Find out about how life is going to be after the wedding. Because that is reality and what life is really going to be about.

You cannot live on love without information

Find out everything about your partner's lifestyle, family, health, financial status, hobbies, personality quirks, and anything that strikes you.

Ask questions about everything you can think of and do not be afraid to hear something you do not want to hear.

You may not get perfect answers but you will get an idea of what life is going to be like.

Answers to all little questions may at times make you change your mind about your partner or the wedding.

Thinking helps us arrange the various details in our mind. But it is our feelings that make the choice for us and this automatically leads to the decision.

Do not ignore your real feelings by being caught up in the wedding preparation.

You have to be selfless and do things for your partner.

Be prepared to make adjustments to make the marriage work.

You are not responsible for yourself alone after you get married. You have to think of your partner too.

Your ups and down will increase two-fold. You have those of your partner too.

When you look for someone else in your partner, it could be the beginning of your troubles.

   Problems do not break up relationships. It is your approach to the problems that make the difference.

     Issues that you have not sorted out before your marriage will not automatically get sorted out after marriage. You have to work on them and sort them out.

     Some of us unconsciously become more rigid. We are so scared of losing out on our identity that we hold on more firmly to what we believe in.

When you move from one relationship to another, things are not going to be dramatically different because you are still taking yourself with you wherever you go. Unless you see things differently, things are not going to work out differently for you.