Moody mood indigo
baap | 26 December 2004, 11:36pm
Today I came back....came back to the relatively less traffic, relatively cooler and drier weather, relatively more warmer people, relatively less attractive female population...today i came back home! Hyderabad!!!!
I went to Mumbai to attend Mood Indigo for the 3rd time...and it was one heckuva expereince...I went with one intention and one intention ONLY...ESCAPE!
Why escape? nothing haenous was going here but it was an escapade from stagnation, redundancy...basically...a escape that symbolised a change of activities, a change of interaction a change of everything keeping one thing constant...ONE STABLE MOOD in Mood Indigo (
Generally Mood I is a place..where college students all over the country gear up to compete with one another in a plethora of activities....but for me being a 3rd timer...i wanted to do other stuff...other than sit around the air conditioned halls and "compete"..although i havent been much competition before also..but still the usual aura of enthusiasm to compete which drove me the previous two years was gone...!
The Mood I expereince started out 2 years back when i was in my first year of engineering and i left with regret, the 2nd time was better in a lot of respects apart from trying to "compete"..but still left with regrets..but this time..that godforsaken IIT..was not going to return gift me "regret" yet again!!! NO WAY HOZAY!!! I had to do something there which i would remember....and i think i did...I walked..YES! I plainly and simply walked...the whole frikkin campus...!!!
26 rounds around a 400 metre track...first 20, i was totally stoned and the remaining 6 were becasue..i was "maroing life key fundas"...man did i get alot of shit out of my head...it was like...every round i completed, symbolised a trash can nearby getting filled up. Hence, i successfully filled up 26 trash cans...and said bye bye to them! by walking another 3 kilometres to the main gate and back to my hostel..
Mood I number 3 was initially like a huge haunted venue, the last time..i had wonderful expriences...with amazing people...but this time...the people were basically the same, but every familiar place i went i saw a shadow of the vision of last year. It was depressing and FUCKING scary!. (FYI, the hallucinations were caused due to being totally and completely BLOWN outta my skull)...but they all were so fucking real.
Every road i walked alone this year...i saw an image of myself walk the previous year...and yeah those walks were consequential walks which had consequences later on...This time..i cared a damn about everything else and walked...regardless of the corns which developed underneath my toes, regardless of the company which were as bad as the corns.... This walk represented an erasing of those memories...why erase good memories i ask? BECAUSE..they all boiled down to one thing....R.E.G.R.E.T.
Off late i have noticed...these blogs have got amazingly depressing and boring to say the least...so this is one last trash can i am filling up...!
Current Mood: Bye!
Current Music: Boys of Summer-Don Henley
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Im only half of what i am.....
baap | 6 December 2004, 12:53pm
Something that i have realised after examining the relationships i have with different people....is that whenever i meet someone new, i tend to communicate with the other person with the view that i presume to be half of what the other person is....when i talk, when i interact, when i think...i think only as half of myself and the other half as someone else....that someone else is either the person i am talking to or the person i am thinking about. Theoretically, i thought this would be the optimum way of maintaining a stable rapport with people, as i can see both sides of things in case the other individual has a completely different point of view. To a certain extent it has worked very effectively, as im very satisfied with the peer group i belong to. BUT....
Thinking or rather assuming to be half of that other person does have its drawbacks...sometimes, the equlibrium shifts and you no longer are you but that other person, once youve (Ive) known a person for a long time..and am experiencing problems with that particular person...i tend to think too much FOR that person instead OF that person...which make me do or say extremely stupid things....or...things that i dont mean.
Being half of the other person does in no way make me lose my individuality or identity, its only used to try and understand on a better level what the other person is saying..that's all.
YES, i am experiencing a lot of problems with people off late...can't seem to gel anymore with anybody. Either i have started completely to think AS myself, or i am tired of thinking too much for others....so much so that after long stints of mis-understanding and misconceptions...i just give up and STOP talking to that person. But when you've known the people you know for so long...people who have influenced your actions, your opinions on trivial matters, important matters, have introduced to you a whole new meaning to living...its just not affordable anymore to STOP talking.
I have to confess, these hidden assumptions i make are generally positive ones...and hence i judge that person on a much more postive level than they deserve...and therefore expect the same from the other side! But i fail to understand, that these assumptions have NOT been communicated to the other side..and hence stay hidden, so how am i to recieve what i expect..? Usually, it doesnt affect me...but off late it has, because of which i have totally lost my sense of individuality and identity. Right now i am so lost that it probably might just take something short of a miracle to get me back on track, and back into "action"?
I perfectly understand the problem, when i like something i tend to like it too much...so much so that if i dont recieve anymore satisfaction on liking that thing, i lose complete interest in it...and this OK as long as it was applied to inanimate things. Now though, i have extended this same behaviour/attitude to people...and its really screwy. I dont know how to solve it...and i am afraid of saying "solving" because..these things are so fundamental that they DONT need SOLVING..at all..just thinking on a pure rational and common sensical behaviour will DO! But NO...i am always the one..to shy away from Common Sense * i feel as if i am scolding myself...and YEAH i am!
Back to the half-me and half-other funda....the people who disagree with this concept..very rightly so call it "living for others" or "martyrdom"....and i suppose they are "RIGHT"!!!! The whole martyr thing originates from a lot of things...and converges onto a lot more...but the core is completely and totally "harmless"...
There occur a lot of times in people's life where...they reach a crossroads..when they have to make a decision. But all i can visualize is this ONE ROAD...with no signs no crossroads...except for a helluva lot of exits...its like a highway...and the exits symbolize the different ways i can run away from the situation at hand, when it gets incomprehensible/vague/unsure. Some of these exits are Cigarettes, Alcohol, Drugs......."Martyrdom"...! I would love to maintain stable relationships with people...but rather end up at a dead-end...whenever i critically examine it, and find that at THAT particular point of time...that relationship is not satisfying, whereas it has been throughout! And it is this dead-end that people would call a "mental block"...a block which has been proven scientifically that it occurs..and takes a whole lotta will power to dispel. Just because science has identified it..doesnt make it an excuse or any better...
All i have to say is that at the end of it...taking the larger picture i mean no friggin harm..but its that extra inch of effort i can put into a relationship which wil make it perfect...i somehow cant put in that inch....the inch of disparity i call it....
*BTW: the song that im listening too...is a sure sign of hope...i heard this song for the first time..in the morning...visualized it...and then when i saw the video...later in the night...it was exactly what i picturized!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God for SS Music..
Current Mood: Worried
Current Music: BROKEN WINGS by mr mister
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Communicating with "others"
baap | 1 December 2004, 6:49am
Have you ever felt the need to tell something to a person, at particular times....like when youve seen something funny or beautiful or HOT :p or just something that you HAVE to share with a person, any person if needed...but couldnt? Its because of that feeling that defines my communication with alot of people and "things", yeah anything...for example...I was driving my bike and saw a Moon which looked like the ones you see in a National Geographic Magazine. I always used to wonder how they used to make the SUN or the Moon so BIG man..anyway...yeah when such situations do occur i tell anything/anybody...especially anything! Today i conducted a full-length conversation with my bike!!!! for a whole 45 minutes..and her responses were so perfect!!!! *can visualize people making a circular motion with their finger near their temple...(i yam crajy)
Me:HEY WOW! amazing moon man
Bike: Vroooom!!! *notice how moon and vrooom are kinda homophonic!!!
Me:*Sigh
Bike:Vroom?
Me: No rey bhai...just so nice and cold and moony
Bike:Brrrr *agrees
Me: Do you like me Rilma ? *yep her name is rilma....rilma thoron
Bike:Thump Thump
Me: OK
Bike: Vroom thump creak screech
Me: Simply
Bike:OK
Me:Sooo...howz life ?
Bike: Whoosh...Zooom...Click...Thump
Me..yeah i know it can get tough sometimes, things like these you should take lite...
Bike: Thu"hmmmm"p
Along the way comes a Bullet Electra...all shining and new
Bike: Vroom Vrooooom
ME: *jerks Take it easy girl...Bah you and ur pistons...always looking fr the next "stroke"
Bike: Thump...Whish...Brrrr???
Me: Yeah i do...but its getting complicated...i dont know where its going..but i know you have the hots fr that "Lighting" guy in the adjacent parking space....aaaat
Bike...B"lush"rrrrroom.....!
Although her vocabulary was clearly limited...it was like we could talk forever...!!!
People wise...this urge to talk to someone sometimes....establishes my rapport with the lower strata of society....chaiwalas, autowalas, pan dabba walas..and more "wallah"s....mostly...they are the ones doing the talking...and MAN can they talk. Just a while back i was in this auto...and by the time i reached my destination i got to know...about his family..his views on the current fashion trends adopted by men and women...but more about women :p..the past, present and future political situation of the city, state, country, and world too sometimes!!! they always follow a fixed pattern...good(past),bad(now),ugly(later)!!!
Apparently my mom used to do this kinda stuff all the time...and man..i cant tell you how weird it gets when this random auto guy out of nowhere says "Amma mereku paichaney...arey baba..bada ho gaya?...lasht mein jab dekha...tho woh itha ich tha"...and im left speechless...or "DYAAAAM"!!! Or this time...when this particular waiter comes up and says..."Arey memsahab...mein Peacock ka waiter tha...aapke husband abhi bhi jahaz par kaam karr rey?....
/\ \/
Current Mood: Bye!
Current Music: Roxette - Shes got the look
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