Disabled contemplations
baap | 18 February 2005, 3:33am
When you walk down a long road, while thinking intensely about something, you stop later to find out how much distance you have covered. Part of you takes pride in the fact of covering so much distance in a percievably less amount of time while a major part of you laments on how you missed out seeing the things along that traversed path.It happens to me quite often actually in reality, but in retrospect, in overview of my life, this "walk of life" has been similar. I turn back to see now on how much distance i have covered. I do take pride in how much i have traversed/achieved, in the friendships i have made, kept, broken, and re-established again only to be more stronger. I am fully aware of this quite un-necessary "prophetic" way of speaking, partly it has been influenced by just seeing LOTR, partly because efectively i have a broken leg and wear a knee brace maufactured by a company called MGRM (May God Rehabilitate Mankind), and partly because i finally realise that the people i care for do care for me too.
Illustrations:
Before though, this wasn't true. Friendship, as much as i have despised the explicit usage of the term, was a mere statistic to me, a metric which was more of a calculable quantity than an abstract, natural force which forms the basis for everything ranging from Society to Anhiliation. I denied it while it was presented to me, i yearned for it while it was taken away from me. No i havent lost any friends, nor have any paths been crossed (while i look back). Its just that, as i sit here partially disabled, contemplating on my relationship with people around me and my responses to the things i need to respond to, i find no errors neither do i find any successes. I once said "I am not happy with life, rather content", dint know jackshit of what i was saying at that time, it was more of a "HMPH kya boley...moment" than anything else. Now though i think i can understand the difference between being Happy and being Content. I can confidently say that from the age of around 9 until now, i was never happy but very content. Be it academic success or family harmony or friendly relations, none of the afore mentioned 3 parameters possessed equal magnitudes.
This is a time for rest, a time for inconsequential contemplation not disturbed by unnecessary complexity nor neglect. The past 2 and a half hours watching LOTR on HBO with the uncut scenes lead me to this piece of verse. A silent message, which i recommend to whisper rather than read aloud:
A soldier is wounded in the daily battle
He retires into sobriety, a place without societal cackle
Movement is restricted, but thought emancipated
After lengthy days and nights, both tainted
Tainted with hope, tainted with joy
Tainted with sorrow, tainted after a cry
He remains tainted, this wounded soldier
The stain remains, but the scar is mere
Nursed himself did he, before the wound
To have begot a feeling he should have felt soon
Take heed my friend who thinks thou are bad
You love too much, too many, to be had
Take rest my friend for you are tired
Exasperated by those, those who have made you a crier
I have cried alone which is of great crime
For if i shared my sorrow, it would need less time
I have loved alone which is of great shame
For if my love was shared, it would need less pain
Take rest my friend for you have long to go
For if you rest, you can "sing a poh"
Whew...wok...just finished seeing Futurama..and all can "kiss my shiny metal ass...goodbye"! Futurama rocks totally! It very well could be the closest interpretation of future 1000 years from now, leaving apart of course the All-purpose spray and the portable suicide booths and the robot whos got "mojo". Anyway, its a fun show with cartoons yelling out stuf like ass and other lower ordered tv-biased profanities which would make the higher-ordered profanity user go "ooooh".
The other day, i went to this lake..yup a lake beside me college. There were 4 of us males. I use the word males, due to lack of contextual choice. I cant use guys..because we dont fit into that stereotype, i cant say men, because apparently i "no longer" fit into that stereotype (cause: Shaving has reduced by visible age to 14, nothing to do with sexual preference!). Males though seems apt, because we all share the same caveman carnal once-in-a-while hard on when we see Katrina Kaif or something like that.
There ends the similarity though, anyway 3 of us males got stoned while the remaining one literally got STONED, whcih resulted in the karmic completion of a cycle which was ensuing among 3 outta the 4 males. Illustrations :
As far as the road goes (Woo-Hoo PUN!...i think), there's still a whole lotta road to go before the next time i look back, but now that i do look back, i am content and well maybe even a li'll happy.Hopefully the next time i make the restrospected turn of the head, i wont be physically maimed.Illustrations of mera injury:
As i start walking again, there are people right now who are making their OWN stops, people who im sure will turn back and look at nothing but sludge and as i put it "Duttyness". The above poem applies to them too.Oh ! and i totally forgot, now after i make this stop, i walk ahead signing and prolly a small jive also...YES!!!! Song and Dance (Both preferably soliratily done) shall accompany me where-ever i go...(Yoddle yaeeeeeeee ooooooooooh).
PS: Walking funda motivated by my current disability to walk due to repetition of damage to the crucial or lateral ligaments in the knee region.
/\ \/ 
Current Mood: Cheerful
Current Music: Nights in white Satin - Moody BLues
Posted in General | Permalink | Comments (10) | Trackbacks (0)
Anti-emotionalist...
baap | 5 February 2005, 9:02am
This week has been Strangely Normal...apart from the korniest and most monotonous starting to yet another post! Heer goes....I feel elevated, less encumbered, light..mentally speaking. Although my work load has been increasing progressively over the week, its the mind that is like.....taking a vacation of sorts and brain jumping into the front seat. Emotions have overwhelmed me for a long time now....something that i always wanted to be overwhelmed by emotions. But this wasnt a deluge of emotional pleasure or rather emotional expereinces. It was emoional HELL!
Everything became this SOB-SAD strory....everything...songs,places/weather/people..they were just a source to one bigh HELLUVA WHINE. I hate whining, i just despise it...it sickens me to the core....and to know i was doing it...made it even more disgusting. I was pissed with myself.Yesterday i maroed dialogue....i am not happy with my life, but i m content. Im sorry that was a WHINE. Over the past couple of months, i have whined like no one before, and the worstt part is, I actually made people listen to it...While doing it i was convincing myself, that i have open up more to people...Hence i WHINE???? Bullcrap!
I have learnt that, at the drop of a hat you can be made into an emotional play thing....its like those extremely flexible sponge ball thingys you become...when you become emotional with a person, you arent sure trusts you, likes you, hell loves you...I felt like that and godammit will i regret it for the rest of my life. From now i make a vow never ever to OPEN UP TO ANYONE i feel is unsure/vague about the person i am, the friend i am to them etc etc in that order of aquaintance....
You just have to remain this Clandestine piece of bullcrap, always walking among shadows, always changing the topic dextrously when someone asks you something personal. This World is one sad place....i tell you..People arent sure about anything anymore...Some bum wants to be kewl, someoe wants to ace the GRE, someone wants to conduct a frikking college fest...while some just want either be loved or be hated! Simple 2 sided equation...nothing in the middle....From now i judge things only on whether i love or hate them! Humans in this age of "urbanization", "metrosexualness", "Sitcom (fukking) savvy" arent deserving to posess a myriad of emotions....especially those who are judged both by performance in absolute things and abstract things..Hence i take upon the shame of being a Human in this sad..unsure world and become an Anti-emotionalist...Yeah i know what im giving up on....im giving up on the very essence of humanity...liberality....diversity...but on the other hand...posessing qualities like these always have a price tag: WHINING..sitting in your god foresaken suburban apartment and lamenting on what you could have done to make things better...BUT YOU COULDNT HAVE NOTHIN...cz the WHOLE WORLD IS UNSURE....!!!!!!!!!!
Its like a 6 billion strong status quo. From now on, my qualities are encompassed by the following words, words that the Unsure world despises..:
Monotonous
Iterative
Repetitive
Boring
Constant
..oh! and the winner of em all SURE!
If being all the above means, being a reticent person, un-communicative...monosyllabical....rude..THEN SO BE IT.
All this while , i have lived in the stagnant and redundant filth of human emotion that has destroyed me as a performer in this society. (HMPH...KYA BOLEY).
/\ \/
Screw you guys im going home!
Current Mood: Destructive
Current Music: Nananaana Nananaana Hey hey hey goodbye !!
Posted in General | Permalink | Comments (7) | Trackbacks (0)