Im only half of what i am.....
baap | 6 December 2004, 12:53pmSomething that i have realised after examining the relationships i have with different people....is that whenever i meet someone new, i tend to communicate with the other person with the view that i presume to be half of what the other person is....when i talk, when i interact, when i think...i think only as half of myself and the other half as someone else....that someone else is either the person i am talking to or the person i am thinking about. Theoretically, i thought this would be the optimum way of maintaining a stable rapport with people, as i can see both sides of things in case the other individual has a completely different point of view. To a certain extent it has worked very effectively, as im very satisfied with the peer group i belong to. BUT....
Thinking or rather assuming to be half of that other person does have its drawbacks...sometimes, the equlibrium shifts and you no longer are you but that other person, once youve (Ive) known a person for a long time..and am experiencing problems with that particular person...i tend to think too much FOR that person instead OF that person...which make me do or say extremely stupid things....or...things that i dont mean.
Being half of the other person does in no way make me lose my individuality or identity, its only used to try and understand on a better level what the other person is saying..that's all.
YES, i am experiencing a lot of problems with people off late...can't seem to gel anymore with anybody. Either i have started completely to think AS myself, or i am tired of thinking too much for others....so much so that after long stints of mis-understanding and misconceptions...i just give up and STOP talking to that person. But when you've known the people you know for so long...people who have influenced your actions, your opinions on trivial matters, important matters, have introduced to you a whole new meaning to living...its just not affordable anymore to STOP talking.
I have to confess, these hidden assumptions i make are generally positive ones...and hence i judge that person on a much more postive level than they deserve...and therefore expect the same from the other side! But i fail to understand, that these assumptions have NOT been communicated to the other side..and hence stay hidden, so how am i to recieve what i expect..? Usually, it doesnt affect me...but off late it has, because of which i have totally lost my sense of individuality and identity. Right now i am so lost that it probably might just take something short of a miracle to get me back on track, and back into "action"?
I perfectly understand the problem, when i like something i tend to like it too much...so much so that if i dont recieve anymore satisfaction on liking that thing, i lose complete interest in it...and this OK as long as it was applied to inanimate things. Now though, i have extended this same behaviour/attitude to people...and its really screwy. I dont know how to solve it...and i am afraid of saying "solving" because..these things are so fundamental that they DONT need SOLVING..at all..just thinking on a pure rational and common sensical behaviour will DO! But NO...i am always the one..to shy away from Common Sense * i feel as if i am scolding myself...and YEAH i am!
Back to the half-me and half-other funda....the people who disagree with this concept..very rightly so call it "living for others" or "martyrdom"....and i suppose they are "RIGHT"!!!! The whole martyr thing originates from a lot of things...and converges onto a lot more...but the core is completely and totally "harmless"...
There occur a lot of times in people's life where...they reach a crossroads..when they have to make a decision. But all i can visualize is this ONE ROAD...with no signs no crossroads...except for a helluva lot of exits...its like a highway...and the exits symbolize the different ways i can run away from the situation at hand, when it gets incomprehensible/vague/unsure. Some of these exits are Cigarettes, Alcohol, Drugs......."Martyrdom"...! I would love to maintain stable relationships with people...but rather end up at a dead-end...whenever i critically examine it, and find that at THAT particular point of time...that relationship is not satisfying, whereas it has been throughout! And it is this dead-end that people would call a "mental block"...a block which has been proven scientifically that it occurs..and takes a whole lotta will power to dispel. Just because science has identified it..doesnt make it an excuse or any better...
All i have to say is that at the end of it...taking the larger picture i mean no friggin harm..but its that extra inch of effort i can put into a relationship which wil make it perfect...i somehow cant put in that inch....the inch of disparity i call it....
*BTW: the song that im listening too...is a sure sign of hope...i heard this song for the first time..in the morning...visualized it...and then when i saw the video...later in the night...it was exactly what i picturized!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God for SS Music..
Current Mood: Worried
Current Music: BROKEN WINGS by mr mister
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1. By itsme | 6 Dec 2004, 2:24pm
hey thr r bttr exits than d ones u choose to c.search within urself n u'll find 'em.this internal silent chaos always tests n builds ne relation....so all d best for puttin in dat xtra effort :)
PS: nvr thot u too were helluva confused in such matters.u seem to be such a kewl dude makin lotsa fun...hope u r at ur best hereafter...
2. By baap | 6 Dec 2004, 10:38pm
"itsme"...whos me?