Anti-emotionalist...
baap | 5 February 2005, 9:02amThis week has been Strangely Normal...apart from the korniest and most monotonous starting to yet another post! Heer goes....I feel elevated, less encumbered, light..mentally speaking. Although my work load has been increasing progressively over the week, its the mind that is like.....taking a vacation of sorts and brain jumping into the front seat. Emotions have overwhelmed me for a long time now....something that i always wanted to be overwhelmed by emotions. But this wasnt a deluge of emotional pleasure or rather emotional expereinces. It was emoional HELL!
Everything became this SOB-SAD strory....everything...songs,places/weather/people..they were just a source to one bigh HELLUVA WHINE. I hate whining, i just despise it...it sickens me to the core....and to know i was doing it...made it even more disgusting. I was pissed with myself.Yesterday i maroed dialogue....i am not happy with my life, but i m content. Im sorry that was a WHINE. Over the past couple of months, i have whined like no one before, and the worstt part is, I actually made people listen to it...While doing it i was convincing myself, that i have open up more to people...Hence i WHINE???? Bullcrap!
I have learnt that, at the drop of a hat you can be made into an emotional play thing....its like those extremely flexible sponge ball thingys you become...when you become emotional with a person, you arent sure trusts you, likes you, hell loves you...I felt like that and godammit will i regret it for the rest of my life. From now i make a vow never ever to OPEN UP TO ANYONE i feel is unsure/vague about the person i am, the friend i am to them etc etc in that order of aquaintance....
You just have to remain this Clandestine piece of bullcrap, always walking among shadows, always changing the topic dextrously when someone asks you something personal. This World is one sad place....i tell you..People arent sure about anything anymore...Some bum wants to be kewl, someoe wants to ace the GRE, someone wants to conduct a frikking college fest...while some just want either be loved or be hated! Simple 2 sided equation...nothing in the middle....From now i judge things only on whether i love or hate them! Humans in this age of "urbanization", "metrosexualness", "Sitcom (fukking) savvy" arent deserving to posess a myriad of emotions....especially those who are judged both by performance in absolute things and abstract things..Hence i take upon the shame of being a Human in this sad..unsure world and become an Anti-emotionalist...Yeah i know what im giving up on....im giving up on the very essence of humanity...liberality....diversity...but on the other hand...posessing qualities like these always have a price tag: WHINING..sitting in your god foresaken suburban apartment and lamenting on what you could have done to make things better...BUT YOU COULDNT HAVE NOTHIN...cz the WHOLE WORLD IS UNSURE....!!!!!!!!!!
Its like a 6 billion strong status quo. From now on, my qualities are encompassed by the following words, words that the Unsure world despises..:
Monotonous
Iterative
Repetitive
Boring
Constant
..oh! and the winner of em all SURE!
If being all the above means, being a reticent person, un-communicative...monosyllabical....rude..THEN SO BE IT.
All this while , i have lived in the stagnant and redundant filth of human emotion that has destroyed me as a performer in this society. (HMPH...KYA BOLEY).
/\ \/
Screw you guys im going home!
Current Mood: Destructive
Current Music: Nananaana Nananaana Hey hey hey goodbye !!
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1. By itsme | 5 Feb 2005, 11:16am
i m sorry dat u r tending to pessimism...i know one cannot but feel like this at times but i only suggest dat u change ur perspective of the world....it is not all dat bad...juss look around n u r gonna realize it...i know its difficult to do this wen u r emotionally hurt..but then u need to...this may sound like preaching...but no...i am saying this thru xperience...a recent one at dat....n well...life without emotions is not a life at all...emotions donot hinder ur self n performance...instead they help refine ur soul n grow as a human...
2. By fa | 5 Feb 2005, 12:53pm
After carefully perusing your last couple of angst-filled, non-abstract-but-abstract-anyway, searching-for-the-answers-unknown-while-being-the-silent-bystander posts... I've developed this doubt which seems to gnaw at my very insides.
Whatever the fuck is HMPH??
is it "hmppphhhh" like the disgruntled exhaling noise or H.M.P.H - an acronym for "clandestine" operations and code word of the silent bystandING community?
Please elaborate, explain and shed light.
3. By baap | 5 Feb 2005, 2:06pm
hmmppph is violent outburst of air through the nostrils....followed by a deep grunt..the grunt has to be deep...and..the whole process should be spontaneous as hell....! otherwise its just crappy..
4. By Utopicillusion | 5 Feb 2005, 5:29pm
Kinda ironic that u decided not to open up and announced that on the www, to the entire world.
5. By drp | 5 Feb 2005, 6:15pm
now that is one helluva song simbly coz of the movie its in.
Remember the Titans. wat a movie! @-) totally goose-bumps generating moovie of the nth order it is! :D
fa hates dat song. :D
over n out.
Payne
PS : n its not so much as opening up to people than being open to yourself. thou shalt not be vague to urself. if you've got it clear, the rest of the world seems that much in focus. :D pseud psychology for the bundi noodles generation this is.
PPS : over n out. seriously.
6. By Morpheus | 6 Feb 2005, 12:37pm
Everything u do has an emotion attached to it. U just cant run away from it... so why bother even trying.
Just live life and have fun, and as u said, everyone else can go to hell :)
Morpheus
7. By The Crackednut | 12 Feb 2005, 10:54pm
erm.. confusing and confounded dude!