Setec Astronomy

'Tis been a while ain't it? Well, when you're a ghost driving down hell's highways thats what happens. You tend to get involved in the drive, in dying in the moment, again and again, reliving or redying those few moments again and again. You just love to see those images over n over, its like having your own lil DVD of your life, an interesting collection of images which obviously meant the most to you in that life. Actually, its a bit boring on this side, it maybe surreal as hell, but it is boring. To login into your virtual laptop everyday and just comment and nothing else, try to keep up that facade of coolness, all the while pining to post again. I had an immense urge to come outta my hiatus and post on death again, but that wud be a bit repetitive wouldn't it? And for all those visitors to this site who diligently keep me firmly entrenched in this fifth spot down here, I, as a ghost, feel that I should atleast make grand comebacks once in a while.

Tonight has been another one of those introspective nights, jus like all those nights by myself when I was alive. I spoke to people who questioned my very existence, by "existence" I mean, my mental side. Not mental mental, just that psychotic side of me. Not psychotic dammit, ah yes, the thinking side of me. 'twas the usual "am I who I portray myself to be" conversations, not just with one person but TWO. We dead dudes I tell you, we have too much time.

Ok, enough with the crap already. I didn't post cuz Payne here has been muchos muchos busy. Between hurrying from one conference hall to the other, dishing out "sponsor proposals" for one company or the other, chalking out POAs for THE day, making ideas, creating events, writing bombastic crap and designing. Ah, designing. Where would I be without my good ole pirated copy of Adobe Photoshop? Somewhere else, but heck its nice to ask arbit questions like that once in a while. But there's a limit to my "creative side" (my ass!..hahaha..that pun has so many levels!). So, here I am, all groggy eyed and typing when I oughta be hitting keyboard shortcuts and painting history in the making. Dammit.

Here's some publicity for drp==>> The next time you stop at the traffic lights at punjagutta circle, look up to your right (if you're coming from Somajiguda that is), right up there would be a 40ft by 20ft HOARDING done by D_r_P! :D Couldn't help it! Had to mention that! :D

Oh yeah. September 4th, CBIT. Be there. Live the moment (as such). Get your bums over here, we ARE in a shortage of bums.

To reiterate in redundancy, September 4th. Venue : CBIT, where the sun never sets. (adhe ento..)

Payne

11:38PM, August 13th 2004. Payne's world.

____________________________________________________________

It was a beautiful afternoon. The sky was a majestic shade of auburn. The sun wasn't completely out of hiding just as yet. One of those type of days when you really feel like clicking down the windows(powered) and enjoying the breeze against your face. No real point in turning on the a/c and shutting myself up in this heartless metal box. I say "breeze" only because I was cruising. It was, after all, a beautiful setting and I had every reason to live the moment for all it was worth. You know what they say, right? "Live everyday as if its your last, because one of these days it will be." Well, if all went to plan, this would be my last, so I guess I was justified for living the moment.

That morning, I had no idea life would take me down this very stretch of road, right after a week(of course I didn't, I wasn't some goddamn Nostradamus). Ah yes, the week. Now that I'm telling you -the world- , this, I may as well give an insight or atleast a glimpse into the events which've brought me spiralling down here. This road, another car(smaller), she'd always preferred the small cars. Always referred to the big SUVs as testostorene-oozing trucks, never really understood that, 'coz my mom drove a Chevy. Well, my mom,she's weird that way. Oh shit, I didn't mention who the "she" in the above sentence is. Does it matter? Yes. This is my fucking story and I wanna remember her one last time. Fair, yes that she was,not pale-fair like Suzanne Khan, no ,she was just about right. She had a long-face with ironically, a very small mouth. Ironic, only 'coz she liked to eat a lot but the size of her mouth betrayed her. Sure, she ate a lot, but she was one of those lucky people who never gained weight(Jughead types). People said she was awkwardly tall, to me she was divinely built. Just right, I would say...and then, those eyes. The eyes which had me lost in them, the eyes which helped me find myself again, the eyes which echoed her inner light..tch, I'm drifting here.

The cops had said she was drunk, "inebriated state" so to say. Maybe it was the night before, the argument in which so little had been said to each other, but so much assumed. Maybe it was all those nights leading upto that night. Maybe it was the fact that she didn't know I had taken the evening off to cook up dinner(atleast I tried to cook sometimes), candle-lit and all. It was supposed to be a surprise. Surprise? Sure as hell was. The cops said she must have died in the impact itself, said she wouldn't have felt the pain, it was a matter of moments, so they said. Dingy little car never did have any airbags, not that it'd have saved her. Hope is a cruel thing. The windows were pulled down, just like her. She never liked the a/c, always said it'd isolate her from the world outside....

It was beginning to get hot now. The clouds had given way and the sun was starting to make its presence felt. I still refrained from turning on the a/c. Living the moment I was. Plus, I was nearing the bend anyway... They said I was a good writer, but on this road to perdition I had no idea why I was so tongue-tied, why my thoughts were so incoherent, why I was so short of words in my own mind. At least, I knew why I was doing this, or did I? I knew I wanted to feel what she'd felt in that moment. To see what those breath-taking eyes had seen. No, that was not it. Morbid curiosity, perhaps? Bullshit. I could not live without her, I did not care what those eyes had seen, all I wanted was to look into them once more and have them look back at me. One more time. The bend approached, I was doing more speed than I should have been, but heck, when you are in an accident thats what you do. The break in the fence drew closer by the second. By the time I'd gone past it, I was living more "in the moment" then I'd ever been. A strange sense of weightlessness hit me as all the four wheels left the ground. Within nanoseconds, the car was plummeting down with all the grace of a guided missile. The rocky shale below seemed like it was rushing headlong towards me.

They say that your whole life passes by you in that last moment. Well it did, just like in that movie. My first conscious look at dad, my first day boarding the school bus waving at my mom through tearful eyes, my first crush, the trees on both sides on the way to college, the fight with the school bully, the finals of the state-playoffs, those nights spent dreaming of being a superhero, fleeting glimpses of faces throughtout my life -smiling,angry,crying,peaceful-, walking into college, seeing those eyes for the first time, that kiss behind our block, the sheer thrill of being on the road, graduation day, being on bended knee -with my heart drumming away- waiting for those words, "i do", our song, that wretched mangled piece of metal, those eyes with no life in them. A life which had given me reason to live, a life worth dying for? I blinked, one bead of sweat fell from my eyelid. Before it landed, gravity wrapped up the job. Darkness. The movie in my head had been abruptly halted. Eternal silence.

Me, myself and the road.

We are together all the while now, forever now. That sense of weightlessness courses through my veins. Apparently, killing yourself doesn't get you to the same place as dying accidentally. Those eyes continue to haunt me.

__________________________________________________________

Payne

__________________________________________________

I put in that line above only because ,for the life of me,I'm not able to come up with a line good enough to be displayed to the whole community on the front page. I'm back folks, the Payne is back,let the Jungle drums go dum-da-dada-dumma-dumm, let the tribals in their leaf-adorned crotches strike their gongs and dance in a wild frenzy. 'Coz ladies, gentlemen and tribals, I, D.Raw El Payne, has the power of internet again. The Dungeon of Pain has been one heckuva busy place in the past 3 days, no internet but a shitload of work to do.

This short yet crucial hiatus came at the right time, I guess. I mean, LOOK at my previous two posts!! Thats The Other Payne coming alive. Of course, it was only appropriate that The Other Payne speak in circumstances like those. As I said, the storm and the grey clouds in my mind have slowly subsided. The turbulent atmosphere up there is returning to the fiery sunshine of evil. Those horns on top of me head are starting to grow back (this does NOT mean I'm horny, just that lucifer's playground is alive and kicking once again). Ladies and gentleman, its time to fasten your seatbelts, thank you for staying with us. Though, I must admit it, the past week will stay etched in my head for a loong time to go, thats a good thing.

I'll tell you whats NOT a good thing. Coming back to the blogs after a while ,only to see that your hard-earned 5th spot has been snatched away from ya. If blog posts were like forum posts, Lily, you would be FH Goddess, but as they aren't you're just Silly Lily in my dictionary(not that I have a dictionary, its just a fucking phrase thats all, geez!). Among other things, the lady's got to the spot within 13 days. Two facts, the first : Congratulations. I did NOT know that these blogs were visited by so many peoples.  350+ hits per day, not too shabby. The second : 350+ hits per DAY?!! *ahem* You just mulavanabutthari in terms of hit-whoring. Congratulations yet again. Now onto Aran, dammit lady, you SO took the MPD post from RIGHT under my fat nose!! Dammit. And now who is this Malakpetmasala?! Dude,next time you realise that you have a word processor on your computer and that you've a stash of files on your harddisk... Here's some advice, read them , do NOT post them, keep them for posterity's sakes, read them again, think of them, THEN post them. One after the other, SLOWLY, with DEFINITE looong intervals.

But, but, BUT, this one of the few times when my arsenal of hatred and dissing-ery(?) seems inadequate. Its not because I'm outta ammunition but because the enemy(if there's someone like that) is just so good. Dammit. Goddamit. Jai, dude, u can write.

Onto next time then.

Fingers crossed for the internet.

Payne

PS : August 1st - 7th, 2004. That was some week.

August 7th.1:43AM. A sleepless night in Payne's world, a painful place.

___________________________________________________________

I've learned a bit about the importance of life and a lot about me in the past twelve hours. Neuro's post on death was so well written, so beautifully phrased, so forceful and at the same time so, seemingly,"from the heart". What I've learnt in these past few hours is almost devastatingly shocking. I've learnt -rather realised - that I am very very inadept at expressing my feelings, that I'm atrocious at putting my heart out to cry itself out and get rid of a growing lump of depression in my heart. I type this here and now, wondering if my talking about something so personal as this, in a place so open for public ridicule is ,even barely, justified. If voicing my grief here has any use whatsoever. This is one of the other things I've learnt. The fact that I live my life so much for others that even the thoughts in my head are clouded by the question "if i say this, how would the outside world react?". As someone said, I guess it is a depressing thing to wake up one fine night and realise that, for 21 years, you never had a reality of your own. Just a charade played out to such perfection that a million different people have a million different opinions about the real me. To such an extent, that even the thoughts in my head are influenced by this "public eye".

Before I get to the part of my enlightenment about myself, lets talk Life. The irony of this world is that we never understand good or bad, till we see a measure of each other, till we experience both. Only then do we comprehend the importance of each. Life, seemingly taken for granted by so many of us, passes us all by while we're busy existing. Life, so important and so very easy to overlook. So easy to see murders and suicides and dismiss them in a indifferent manner. My god, life is SO precious. Even half a life, yes. Nothing, nothing justifies taking one's life. Whether its brought about by your own hands or another's. Life, passing me by so quickly. I thank God for this moment here, though I also can't help but beg and plead as to why He chose to make me realise these facts through such an experience.

Ok, here goes. I experienced death today. Abrupt, without warning. The death of a friend. There, I've said it. Still wondering if doing this is the right thing. I wish I'd seen them once more, one glimpse more, just one fucking moment. I saw people cry today, breakdown completely. I saw them and felt pangs of sorrow course through my soul. I saw them and my heart reached out to them. I saw them, thats all. I did not cry. These tears, I never really understood their importance till that moment. Its been twelve hours since, I've been on the verge twice, but never really took that final step. I wonder if its a conscious effort. I wonder if my conscious being has dominated to a place where rationality ,plain old cold-heartedness have completely erased the need for open sorrow to exist. Is this my fate? My sorrow caged in a cell, whose keys are held by the seemingly relentless obstinacy of thought? A cage whose weight increases every second because of the rising weight of its prisoner... Questions and words simply not willing to let my heart take its course.

In these past few hours, I've tried escaping these thoughts by meeting people who are very disconnected to this. By being the usual funny-guy. Can't help feeling that I chickened out. But reality is a cool shindig, its brought me full-circle here to this time here. This time now ,when realisation is a sweet thing, when I face my sorrow as it stands. When my rational mind is struggling to muster up the courage to open that cage.

*click*

___________________________________________________________

August 7th,1:22PM. Dungeon of Pain

The above text was typed last night. My internet was down all night.

Payne

August 2nd, 1:00PM. A lonely place.

______________________________________________________

Bin tere sanam
mar mittenge hum
aa meri zindagi

aaaah aana hii pada sajana
zaalim hain dil ki lagi...

another great cloudy afternoon sky in what is turning out to be the most beautiful monsoon in a while. the cool breeze brushin against my face, a hint of thunder among the peace (duh..its gonna rain)..rows of books, a myriad of words floating around me and in my mind. the words that are strugglin to break through the barrier of my hesitance and reluctance to let my heart win over my mind, to let my feelings prevail over commonsense(?).

the trusty QJam at CCD loads up the usual hindi-remixes, songs i abhor with every livin breath of mine. i look out through the glass walls at the sky , can't help thinkin if it ain't nearly picture perfect. but this is all besides the point, innit? i'm lookin at things which have stood the test of eternity, while in front of me is the face which i wish could stare at for eternity(whoa!). d QJam rewinds and loops..same song yet again..and again. for a whole fuckin hour. too much whipped cream on my Tropical Temptation. ... out of CCD and into the inviting arms of gloom. the atmosphere a sublime backdrop. a picture etched in my brain for forever now,  a goodbye to cherish, one song loopin incessantly in my mind's jukebox.

the sky goes from cloudy to dark grey. almost picture perfect innit? raindrops happily plop onto my windscreen, gatherin and runnin down , formin longs rivulets along the windshield, kinda like the streams of loneliness gushin through my system. (why aren't the goddam wipers working?)

goddam song jus won't go out of my head...goddamit. 

... yeh jaan kar balamjii
thaami hain teri baahe
sehni padengi sabki kaanto bhari nigahe

sab sehenge hum
aur hasenge hum
aa meri zindagi

la la la aana hii pada sajana....

:)

Payne

___________________________________________________________

the above text is a gross exaggeration of the truth...or something like it.

PS : with due apologies to Pye, FA and all the other wonderfully composed posts inspired by the weather. (Raindance by Pye and Pictures & Forever in the Rain by FA) am totally sorry for writing yet another "raindrops-are-falling-on-my-head" post, can't help it. :D

July 29th,8:06PM . Dungeon of Pain

Jus woke up from me evenin nap. One of those times when I feel realllllly happy. Me feels me should utilise dis moment here to pen down utterly crappy crap. Havin a long conv 'bout the relative hotness of chics in one window, n talkin to a relatively hot chic in the other, readin that weirdass neuro post on his shadow, still fumin at whg for totally fukkin it up, another girl hung up on me after i tried to explain Schrodinger n Pandora in explicit detail..still feeeling good. Jus wanna hang onto this moment right here till the lurkin sense of responsibility to go do somethin comes out into the open. Baazigar o Baazigar on winamp. Still shell-shocked from the breakin news about one of the bloggers around here. Reality slowly startin to kick into my veins. Bloody bastard logged outta yahoo, no more hot-chic related conversation. Still continuin the other conversation, all the while GRINNING like aloque on dope. Swayin to n fro to the dumbest song on the planet. 3 CDs of GRE on my desk, not one in the CD-ROM drive, go figure! Tryin to log into fullhyd.com/blogs while i type this in notepad. Some goddam error.

My December on winamp. This is my cue. I'm outta here.

Elvis HAS left the building.

Payne

___________________________________________________________

PS : Life is cruel i tell u. Cruel. Jus wen I feel like postin spontaneously, fullhyd goes apeshit on me. :|

As much as I would like not to believe it, I'm slowly starting to lose my general acumen for blogging. I see Aran leaving,the Magician too. I see Anil posting great Stupendousman-ish stuff. aloque's back, better than ever. CrackedNut wonderfully chronicling another epic standoff between him n his dad. WHG dishing up apeshit like never before. Some techie stuff too in between, with mr.praveen wondering if the java boom is gone and actually asking us(!) about our opinion about the OS war. Poor guy actually got a reply with some choice words in it. Lemme see, in addition to all this, I'm also catchin up on some wondahful invisible blogs. Now where is the "I" in between all of this? Reading, reading and reading...n oh yeah..commenting like no tomorrow as well. Heck, that comment on a certain blog is longer than some posts of mine!

The past week has been a bit outta the routine, though I must say I do not wat the "routine" is anymore. College has started, or so it seems, I've hardly attended any classes. The placements funda is still on, full flow. 'Tis nice to be hanging around college till late night, somethin we dun get to do ,often. 'Tis even better to see my friends grinnin from ear-to-ear when our placement officer announces their names. It was friday night ,I think, around 10PM, I'm coming outta college...reach a very dark parking lot. I hear a voice saying "Daddy..nennu...I got the job!". Turned around to see this grinning female with tears in her eyes, barely visible in the light cast by the lone streetlight at the entrance. :-) It felt good to be there. One of those moments when I can do nothing but smile.
Next day, the weekend, went over to a friend's place for lunch , had finger-lickinly good stuff...and sifted through photos. Yeah,yeah ,'tis a girly thing to do..but heck she was a girl after all:P. Reminded me of this album I have in my room. Pics from a 6 years back...man, did I look funny or wat! Me looked like a cross between "The Fly" and Rajnikant! *ahem* So onto a topic now.

Words. The most important aspect of life. I mean, you could be the most profound "thinker" in the world, the most sensitive guy on the planet, but what use is it if you can't express yourself. If you can't "attach words to thoughts", so to say. And there I go, I just said "express yourself". Does that mean we need words only as a means to communicate with the outside world ('outside' here referring to anything exterior to your brain)? Do words/languages exist only as a facade to show the world? If one was alone, would language be necessary to talk with oneself? Aren't the feelings that we feel enough? Do we need to give them an explicit definition? Is it possible to to live a completely false life behind the comforting possession of a talent to twist the truth? In other words(!), can we lead any life we want by talking ourselves(and others) into it? Are the lives we lead in this seeming ocean of words (online and offline) what we really are? Heck, who is the "real" we? Is amita going to be killed in the dead of the night? Did I just see "ClearlyBlurred" appear on the front page? Am I back to my delusions again? **time out!**

Back to reality. This is Payne. Lotsa work to do. Three words in my head right now. Graduate, Record , Examination. The last one being the most terrifying. Back to learning "words" again.

See ya. Would do anything to be ya (no not YOU!).

Payne

Two fish swim straight into a wall.

One of them says "Dam!"

The Cable guy's taken away d connection. No Ind-Pak match for moi. Whddup wit all of ya? :-D

There comes a time in every blogger's life when he/she talks about love/relationships right from their schooling days and all that shit. Baap did it(funnily too), look where it got him, right on the front-fucking-page ,thats where. I've already written 'bout it twice, but I think something more descriptive then "Mad-Eye Moody" and definitely less psychotic than "Evanescent Emotions" is in order.
In the past few weeks, I've been thinkin/ponderin/scratchin-my-head a LOT about all that kinda crap. I've realised something 'bout me and my life but I haven't found ways(yet) to shut that goddam window in my mind letting in all these thoughts. Lemme atleast put it down on paper, before they are swept away by the winds of time.
Stephen King in "The Dark Half" says that everyone is born at the same time (when they come outta our momma's womb) but they wake up at a certain time in their life. From then on, they see things, they perceive, they understand, they feel life as it is. And blah blah. Wat I'm tryin to say is that I may not remember much about my life in schooling n all:P.

Chalo,flashback time.

Junior School : Started off in a small tution thingy in a village somewhere in A.P. Dun remember much 'cept for the toilets. Shifted to Sec'bad, did UKG,1st,2nd n 3rd grades from one school. All I recall is bein' linked to a fat fugly female-like creature and also being a good ole bully around class. That was some fucked-up shit.

Shifted to another school for 4th,5th,6th,8th n 9th grades. Some awesome trivia. When I joined girls n boys used to sit in the same classroom, six months later they(the girls) are shifted to another section. Used to go by the infamous "school-auto" way, totally was head-over-heels over this Nasr chic in our auto. The fact that we had to sit totally cramped in such a small atmosphere didn't help matter eithers. Man, the sexual tension in that dinky auto was palpable..or sumthing like it :-S. By 5th grade we had 2 sections for girls, and by 6th grade we had a different building for 'em. What I'm saying is, I was in a bloody boys' school for all practical purposes. "Co-ed" my ass! Heck, I had fun all the same. Somewhere in 8th I started goin' by d bus, had my FIRST encounter with something akin to a female there...whew 4 goddam years man! Actually conversed with her and bragged to the fellow chic-starved losers in my class on how I went and SPOKE to a girl, as opposed to say, ogling at one.

In between, for 7th grade , I was deported to this small expatriate school-like thingy in south-east asia...:-D Total hotchics man, was stumped (remember this was before the aforementioned first-interaction with the species). I mean we're talking blondes and brunettes here, from Canada and South Africa...damn. Had a chotu crush on said blonde, nothing serious. All I remember is the time when the girls were skipping-rope n all, and we lecherous dudes leered..leered n some more..while hiding behind a wall. Hmm...too much info.

That was that, shifted to yet another school for the final year of schooling. Man, this place had some village-chics or waat! Utter ooru-candidates. Me being me, immediately developed a crush-thingy on dis chic...somewhat non-ooru she was. This was the time when I was going through the phase of having my password as the name of d chic who I had a thing for her..so there. No interaction yet..jus dipshit crushes.

Onto Inter then. Stepped into my first class ,within the first 15 mins was totally in conversation with this chic ,while at the same time oogling at the female beside her. I mean, TOTAL OVERLOAD man! My password immediately changed. ANYway, that moment right then n there was the beginning of chaos. I moved on from being an outside spectator to this whole chic-world and began "interacting"(to put it nerdily) or "interfacing"(to put it super-nerdily). The lines between Inter and engineering have properly blurred...if anything life's got much more confusing.

I say "chaos" only 'cuz of the fucked-up frequency of my look-jawdrops-talk-flirtaway-talkashitloadmore-shutthedoor routine. You see the fallacy in that routine? I see a gaping flaw. There's no "tell her you're fucked up and you've pulled the cord" bit. Heck, there's a bigger problem, there's no "tell myself that its over" bit. There in lies the meaning of this post's title. These past 3 years have been a fucking confusion only 'coz of this small stupid mistake. Its like I check into so many hotels but never actually check out. I mean, here I am after 3 years with a shitload of backlogs in crushes! :-S Got me "hazaar bulbed"..to put it IIT-style... From the first day of college to the first day of final year, there hasn't been a single sem when I haven't fallen "head-over-heels" with the next girl. Its like Fifty First dates only worse...damn...In transit? You bet!

As I so neurotically put it in "Evanescent..." ,this phenomenon extends to so many other things in life. But me thinks this bloggin thingy is gonna stay...atleast for a while. 'Tis bin great to jus sit here n type out all d thoughts flowing out...I typed out all the stuff jus in case I end up visiting this place here ,say, five years down the line. Its always nice to be nostalgic..:P I just found this .txt file on my harddisk which is some 3 years old and written right after I entered engineering. Man, have I changed, that was some fucked-up shit I wrote down back then.

Payne, over n out.

There's jus something about exam application forms and their deadlines. That is, when I see them for the first time. Its the way my heart starts to race, its the way I see myself facing my nemesis again, facing upto destiny's wrath and showing my middle finger. December 31st folks, the results. Its been a while since I felt thisaways, its like being back in "intensive-coaching" again, the weekly mock-exams, the continuous drilling by the lects about how this is the biggest thing you'll ever end doing in life, while fact is, just about every exam I give in life seems bigger than the last one. Or so my mind goes.

I just saw the fucking deadlines, and the date of the results, and somewhere in between - the date of the exam itself. Btw, folks....Welcome to Payne's World : The World of the Supah-Geek. I love it here, I love the goddam entrance exams, all those poor souls sitting there, raking their brains, fiddling with their pens, scribblin away with their pencils, folding/refoldin hankies....damn.

November 21st. CAT. Just another Mock for moi.

Tension mounts in the Dungeon of Payne.

Payne

There are  books which are un-put-downable and books which are jus un-fucking-put-downable. Its 2:30AM in the real world, but over here in Payne's World the sun is out and its one bright mofo mornin class in the IIT. Our hero for the night is actually five minutes early to this class.

I'm talking 'bout Five Point Someone. 140 pages through and it doesn't look like the Payne is going to sleep tonight. Its been a while since a book has kept me awake, made me smile, made my heart do a lil flip, brought a lump in my throat, or even made my jaw-drop with wonder. I guess, one of the (many) reasons I'm so in love with this book, is 'coz I can actually relate to it. But hell, if I said that, I would be bringing down the level of this book, this is a fucking masterpiece is what it is. Heck,calling it a 'book' in itself is weird, its like reading the best narration of a fictional-real-life ever. Its like reading an exaggeration of the truth ,definitely this book is based on the author's real-life experiences. I say exaggeration, not like a bad thing, this is exaggeration at its best(I need to expand my vocabulary). Every nitty-gritty detail making me reflect on my life.....ok, I haven't finished the goddam book. Who knows, maybe its time for the first Payneful Book Review! :-O

Signing out from the front bench of an Indem class, IIT-Delhi, Batch of '95.

Payne

EDIT :  4:42AM in the Dungeon of Pain. I'm done with the book. I can hardly remember the last time a book brought about some many emotions in one night. Kinda speechless and extremely sleepy. All I do remember is, the last time I stayed up all night - IIT Chennai, Jan 26th 2004.

Wow. This whole writing business is so goddam funny. I remember bein' all preachy and shit in a previous post talkin 'bout expectations and how you shouldn't let 'em get the better of you. Well, in the past two days, it bit me right back in the butt ('it' being expectations ...and also an ant). I mean, a chic comes up to me n says "omg!! U r payne? wow! u're so goddam funny! omg!! I can't believe it! U r payne?! wow!..ad infinitum..ad nauseam..." Well, being the superhero I am , I was kinda flummoxed as to how she recognised my avatar (**hint hint : bare torse **hint hint). (The last 3 sentences are a gross distortion of the truth).

That being that, my goddam super-hero post got me pasted onto the goddam front page of fullhyd, goddamit. These goddam press people will do anything for publicity ,I say. I mean, I ain't page 3 material, leave alone "Hot Blog" material! The things they do for hits...the things they do..sheesh. NEway, all I'm saying is, I thought they put me on a goddam pedestal, while ,infact, all they were doing is showing me that there are humans out there who actually like reading my shit! Or maybe its jus the omnipotent KKK n all his various avatars givin' moi the hits...hmm..I dun care, me getting hits, me happy, goddamit.

So there, all this goddam thought-process 'bout all this goddam new-found audience made me actually sit and think 'bout what I was gonna blog about next. Ha ha ha HA! ROTFL!! I actually mentioned "think" and its other forms TWICE along with "me" and its other forms in the same goddam sentence! I don't think before I post! Wtf ever gave me that idea! Now that I'm relieved of that pain...its time to actually start typing coherently again.

Sports. Of course, I'm making it quite obvious that I'm fresh off the IND-SL match, that we just bummed out of. Sport stands for everything that I love in life. Hope, triumph, elation, euphoria, the depths of depression, hatred, and bumming it. Hope, damn, I already posted on this before. In this context howevah, every goddam game, till the last ball is bowled, I'm actually sitting with my heart in my throat. Blindly faithful that my immense concentration ,on the proceedings on the field, will somehow alter the outcome. Ridiculously believing that I, lazing away on a couch, with my willpower ,can make the team win. Like everywhere else in life, I tend to be very optimistic in this regard too:P.

Elation, euphoria, triumph, depression, the depths. I'm a verrry influencable(is that a word?) fella. Sports, not only the real thing, even in movies(later on this) too makes me go like " :O :O, aaaaaaaa, noooooo, wooohOOOOOO! yeah man!!" (ok..that sounds like sumthin else...wtever!). Its one of the ONLY things in life which makes the Payne cry! The whole "goosebumps" effect while the commentators build up the tempo, the nail-biting finishes, the "this-piss-can-wait-till-the-next-break" effect which has had a surprising effect on men's libido all over the world, the "dead-body-parts" effect which makes gettin up from the couch damningly difficult, the "if-that-sunnavabitch-doesn't-score-now-i'll-maim-his-entire-family" thing (ok..this is gettin tedious).... I goddam love it goddamit!

All these add upto one helluva bumming experience. Btw, this on-off addiction of mine relates to any sport of ANY goddam kind. From cricket, Amreekan phuttbawll, soccer, F1, tennis, byasebawwl,baseketball, billiards(!), lan-gaming(*bwahahahahaha!) to even that game played with that ball made from bamboo and played like volleyball ,only with the feet. Some Indonesian thing. Oh yeah, that reminds me of beach-volleyball (ohhh yeah!). 

Thats about it for 2nite folks, I gotta go review some resumes and feed the lizards n bats.

See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

Payne

PS : 13 goddamits...not bad...not bad at all.

Hello folks. I logon to FH tonight with a burden to shrug off ma shoulders. I'm done with this secret I've been holding back from you guys.

I'm a superhero.

Yeah,yeah, laugh all you want. I pity you, all of you who think you know me. For, if you can't see a friend's true identity how will you ever recognise the enemy around us? I have decided to come out with this truth because I've commited a mistake. More on that later.
Lets take a brief flashback.

For those who came in late:

I,Payne, known as D.Raw El Payne to the outside world was born with superhuman powers. One of my umpteen powers was the capability to eat anything, I mean anything. For those who've watched SouthPark, I'm on the lines of Crazy Kenny, the guy who eats anything for the sake of money. But I don't do it for the sake of money, do not misconstrue my existence. I eat because I'm saving the world everytime I eat what I'm eating, if it wasn't for me we would not have the Multi-Cuisine restaurants we have, the Chinese wouldn't be eating weird circular things, the Italians wouldn't be eating that weird circular shit, the Mexicans wouldn't be eating weird circular crap floating in sauce, the North-Indians wouldn't be hoggin on the weird circular fried objects they have everyday, the southies wouldn't be gulping down weird circular thin layers of batter.......my point? Without me the world would be a shitload short of a lot of circularly shaped food, heck,any other shape for that matter.I realised I had this power somewhere along the line in my schooling days, when I used to ,like every other superhero, attend school everyday by auto. My canteen in the school was located in the basement, right above the canteen, (on the ground floor n every floor upwards), were the toilets. These said toilets had horrible plumbing problems, due to which they used to well,leak, leak pee. Onto the pillars of the canteen. The place used to stink, stink like crazy. But me being who I am ,ate, ate like crazy.

Thus started the life of Payne. I'm not your everday superhero. I see myself more like Superman. While all the other superheroes have costumes into which they change to turn into "____man/woman", Superman's costume IS Clark Kent (edit:too much of a spiderman hangover), his normal appearance is his Superman avatar. Just like Superman, I have a "P" etched on my chest (you gotta peer real close, its there, buried under all the hair). People in the past have mistook this to stand for "P-Man". All you stupid mofos think every goddam superhero has to have a fukkin suffix after his name! I mean haven't you guys seen Daredevil...Spawn...Dracula...?! Sheesh. I'm Payne. You have no idea how it is to go through school being called Pee-Man. Ah well, I accept it.

As time passed, the Payne acquired his complete repertoire of powers. Some of these include, "the chameleon effect,a.k.a, the invisibility power" - where he steps into any arbit group and merges perfectly; "the spammer power" - the ability to write/comment on any goddam thing,anywhere, its an extension of the chameleon effect; "the super-burper" - a finely honed talent, the Payne is now capable of burping at more than 10 burps/second; the "bummer" - the ability to completely n utterly lose interest smack in between something; I do not have the patience to explain the rest.

Now, we come to the present. To justify the title of this post. My single greatest power has proved to be my undoing. In yet another battle between the forces of Good and Evil, Evil is triumphing as of now. My arch-rival, Loose-crapman, has emerged again. I used my power to do the wrong things. Thinking that I was doing mankind a favor, I consumed the last two puffs in my college canteen. I'm now indisposed. Payne is down for a while, not out. Payne, like any other mortal, needs medicines too. He is high on a dose of Furoxone right now (ugh). Its a constant uphill battle this, (I say this only because my loo is situated a higher level than my room), a constant struggle between my will to use my powers judiciously and the temptation to misuse these superpowers. The temptation took over this time, Loose-crapman is winning. Let us see if the Pee-Man emerges unscathed from this. Only time will tell.

Payne

Afterthought : Point being. I have loosies. damn.

Here's the second edition of my ground-breaking Too Many Secrets. A while ago, I promised you of a "lotta different shit to follow".Well here it is.... This is my version of Eminem's Stan.

Disclaimer : All persons/beings/buttharis mentioned here are completely fictitious (except for buttman). They bear no resemblance to any real life character (except...you know who). Everything I mention as characteristics about the below-mentioned beings is pure falsehood.

Chapter II

[DRP - Payne]

feat. Ammachai n Fallen Angel n Aran

__________________________________________________________

My chai's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got up to blog at all
The ammachai post clouds up my screen..
and I can't see at all
even if I could it'd all be crap
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that its not so bad,
its not so bad...

1st Chorus: volume gradually grows over raindrop background
2nd Chorus: full volume with beat right after "thunder" noise

[DRP as 'Payne']

Dear Chai, I wrote but you still ain't commenting
I left my crap, my name and my mail ID in your comments
I sent ten comments back in ur blog, you must not-a got 'em
There probably was a problem at the FH server or something
Sometimes I type my name too sloppy when I hit 'em
but anyways;fuck it, what's been up man? how's your neighbour's daughter?
I've got a sister too, I'm bout to be a killer
If I my neighbour had a daugher, guess what I'ma call her?
I'ma name her Mamul
I read about your Uncle Mamu too, I'm sorry
I had a friend kill himself over some bitch who sold tea
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I even got the underground shit that you did with Buttman
I got a room full of your posters and your blog-printouts man
I like the shit you wrote 'bout PHD too, that shit was fat
Anyways, I hope you read this man, hit me back,
jus to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Payne

{Chorus: Aran}

[DRP as 'Payne']

Dear Chai, you still ain't commented or PM'ed, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad - I just think its FUCKED UP you don't answer fans
If you didn't wanna reply to me on your blog,you dint have to,
but you coulda replied to FA's comment
That's my little sister man, she's only six years old
We waited in the blistering cold for you
four hours and you didn't say nothing
That's pretty shitty man - you're like her fucking idol
She wants to be just like you man, she likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad though, I jus don't like bein lied to
Remember when I commented on ur 1st post?- u said if I'd comment,you'd comment back
see I'm just like you in a way
I never had a mind neither;
ur neighbour used to always cheat on my dog and beat her
I can relate to what you're saying in your blogs
so when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put 'em on
cause I don't really shit else so that shit helps me when I'm depressed
I even got a tatto of your name across my chest
Sometimes I even drink water to see how much I can shit
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me
See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it
Fallen Angel's pissed cause I talk 'bout you 24/7
But she don't know you like I know you Chai, no one does
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Payne --
P.S We should be together too

{Chorus : Aran}

[DRP as 'Payne']
Dear Mister-I'm-too-good-to-call-or-comment-my-fans,
this'll be the last post I ever write on your ass
It's been six days and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two comments;
I typed the names on 'em perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm on in my auto right now, I'm doing 40 on the flyover
Hey Chai, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know that blog by Fallen Angel ,"Pictures in the rain"
about the way she associates every memory with the weather?
That's kinda how this is, this rain is our memory Chai, I'm drowning, you coulda saved me
Now its too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy comment or a call
I hope you know I ripped ALL of your print-outs off the wall
I love you Chai, we coulda bin together, think about it
You ruined it now,I hope you can't blog and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it
I hope your constipation EATS AT YOU and you can't SHIT without me
See Chai; { *a girl's voice screaming*} Shut up bitch! I'm tryin to talk!
Hey Slim, that's the angelsan screaming in the dicky
but I didn't slit her throat, I jus tied her up n stuffed her in there+, see I ain't like you
cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, and then she'll die too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the end now,
Oh shit, I forgot, how'm I supposed to send this shit out?
{**auto front tire squeals**}{**CRASH**}
...{**brief silence**}...{LOUD splash}

{Chorus : Aran}

[DRP as 'Ammachai']
Dear Payne, I meant to comment sooner but I jus been busy
You said your neighbour has a daughter, how cute is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call her that
and here's an autograph for your sister,
I wrote it on the $10.000 watch,
I'm sorry I didn't answer you on my blog, I musta missed you
Don't think I did that shit intentionally jus to diss you
But what's this shit you said about you like to drink water?
I say that shit jus clownin dogg
c'mon - how fucked up is you?
You got some issues Payne, I think you need some counselling
to help your ass from bouncing off the walls when you get a writer's block
And what's this shit about us meant to be together?
That type of shit'll make me want us to make out with each other
I really think you and The Angel need each other
or maybe you jus need to treat her better
I hope you get to read this comment, I jus hope it reaches you in time
before you shit yourself crazy, I think that you'll be doin just fine
if you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you but Payne
why are you so mad? Try to undastand, that I do want you as a fan
I jus dun want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one shit on a blog a couple nights ago that made me sick
Some dude was drunk and drove his auto right off TankBund
and had a girl in the dicky, and she was stuffed under the engine
and in the auto they found a tape,but they didn't say to who it was to
Come to think about, his name was...it was you
Damn.

__________________________________________________________

Special Mentions :  Eminem and Dido for composing a kik-arse track. I hope Baap('cuz, damn can he rap!) and Aran do justice to the Payneful version. Chapter II would have been 'bout the maastah, but due to some unforeseen events, that was not possible. This is a triple whammy.

Till our next Payneful encounter,

Payne

+ Back-engined auto.

Its an interesting thing this life-business. A week back I was full of words to type out, by words I do not mean the crap in my last post but the coherent well-woven sentences in a few posts on this blog(ok.."well-woven" is a bit far fetched :P), BUT here I'm now absolutely devoid of thought-processes and ideas. The only change between now and then is the general state of happiness in me life as of the last few days. Lotsa good things, some great things...and if I work my butt ,more to follow. My main motivator to work would be a glimpse of some moments in the past few days where I felt I could fly, where the rain seemed great, where while walking down the road I felt I could conquer the world, like the world was mine, I've felt this way before but it has been a long time since. I say a "long time" only because its been a long while since I felt happy because of something I did, and not because of someone else.

Now getting to the point I'm trying to make. There was this thread on the DBs the other day asking if, if your life would be made into a movie, what would be its title? And then today, Magician goes ahead and posts this totally hilarious post 'bout writing a book about his/her life. Got me thinking. Its just that my life, as a whole, would be one verry confusing movie/book..the movie would have toooo many characters, the book too many chapters. It would be a tedious affair alright. I look at my life as a collection of short-stories, a serial spawning a zillion disconnected episodes, with a zillion different characters. The title would be Evanescence, 'coz everything, well almost everything, in my life has been shortlived or temporary. Whether it be my feelings for someone, my hobbies, my friends, my emotions, my illnesses(been a lot of them), the houses I've lived in(been a looot of them too),the schools,my tastes in music.....a lot of what makes a person, or does it?

I envy all the fukkers who have "best friends for life", bloody bastards whom they know since they were five year olds or something! I loathe all the bitches who've stayed in one house all their life or atleast for the past decade or something, n know people called "neighbours". All those dipshits who say "my school". I haven't been in any institution longer than I've been in my engineering college so far. I have never lived in any house longer than three years, that is, just when I start to make friends with the junta around, we move. My oldest friends are the ones I keep least in touch with, its always been this way. I can't stand the girl I used to be head-over-heels over...let us not get into love and relationships, the only thing constant in that zone has been the fact that at any given time there've been atleast 'n' chicks I've liked. For a while ,sometime ,a few months back, I felt "this is it" "she's the one", only to be jolted by life's evil twists...and here I am on the road again.

There you go. The confusion in my cranium is stifling my capacity to attach words to the thoughts that are floating around unchecked, I'm nearly at the point of breakdown while I type this, I seem to have lost the capacity to write, just like I've lost every other thing which I thought was mine. My life. A collection of fleeting images, each so diverse that you'd think I suffer from a MPD. Every moment of sadness/happiness/ merging into a state of confusion to a state of indifference, finally ending up with me totally forgettin the reason and moving on in life. Only to crash headlong into another one of life's speedbreakers. Everyday conversing with a hundred million people who think they know who I am, all the while me realising..deep down..that come 2mro, I may not be speaking to 'em anymore. Wow, I'm such an asshole.

Thats it ,I quit. I'm the creator of all my doubts about non-existent things in life. Change has been the only constant thing in me life, only 'coz I've let it be that way. Damn. Balls to all of this. No NO more thinking aloud allowed on this blog. Goddamit. Fullstop.

Payne, Payne, Payne.

PS: wat the fuck did i jus type out here?!?! geez...i've totally lost it.