untitled blog

I

One of teh reasons i blog is coz i need to put all my bad-side onto some place and i chose this. And this proved worthy enough to come in terms with the bad side of myself.

Yday, my co roommates told me that they are searching for a house, and at that point i had a to-let house in my mind. But as i had a rough time with those two, i initially was reluctant to let them know about it. But again, felt taht i should not be doing that, and told them about the house. Well, as alls well taht ends well, i was relieved of teh guilt and was able to converse with them freely.

Though this does not qualify to be an altruistic act, but it did help me for good, for my own good.


Current Mood: Feeling Better

lies

Many of my freinds call me a liar.
i feel piqued by that, but i do have some standards when to lie and when not to.
A typical (widely same) answer would be, i lie when i know that nobody is hurt by that.
For instance, when some one asks me to call him and i forget to do so, instead of accepting, i tell him that i did but the line was busy.
When some one asks my opinion on something , i try to answer it by saying what he might be expecting from me, even if its not my honest opinion.

May be every one must be doing the same but i think i do it a bit more often. SO i end up as a liar..
I tried a lot to reduce it, but at THAT VERY moment, i feel my tongue tied and woudl lie again, postpoing it for teh next time.

But, who ever calls me a liar would have lied too na.. then why pointing me out.

Current Mood: Bye!
Current Music: howz it going to be - third eye blind.

Things i hate myself about!!

20 things i dont like about myself.

1. I hate the fact that i hate somethings about myself.

2. not being social with strangers ( at times even with freinds)

3. postponing things.

4. not taking my eyes off gorgeous girls.

5. Urge to be in the limelight.

6. At times, my depsuness to have a girl frined.

7. Aim to achieve high, but not thriving for it.

8. being pessimistic about things that i know will never happen

9. Talking to myself when am alone.

10. Thinking bad about people whom i dont like, also the fact that i dont like some people.

11. Skiiping pages while reading novels.

12. Doing nothing to  improve myself.

13. My fear that i have a bad breath.

14. Not keeping my hair tidy.

15. for anxiety being the general reaction for every thing.

16. taking the resort of friends when in trouble.

17. saying yes when i want to say no.

18. Thinking in monetary terms.

19. High expectations upon myself and others.

20. Fear.

seems the list can go on for another .....

bored

i am bored like anything now.

I am still sitting in the office with almost everyone of my project left the office. Reason being my roommates have not finished their work and, if i think more broad, its because i dont know how to drive.

My roommates have not finished their work and so i have to wait for them. My not knowing driving has become a nuisence for me. I want to go to a pub whereas they are not interested.. They want to go to a friends place for dinner but i dont feel comfortable with them. I wish i know a way out of this. And this damn country has a bloody rule which does not allow me to apply for a Learners license in the initial 6 months.

lessons learnt:

• Never ever leave your country when you dont know how to drive.
• Never buy a CAR in a shared basis.. Its something personal.

missing my friends

when i was with my friends i wanted to run away from them, as was fed up with the same tussles between us. But now when i really am away from them i am longing to get back to them..

Hope my friends are missing me too..

teammate

This is about my team mate..

Two days back i was assigned to solve a bug and he wasnot assigned any.From that day on he was after what i was doing. ( or may be i felt so).. He started working on taht bug, used to discuss it aloud when some one is around.. WOrse, today moning he occupied my PC for 90 good minutes looking for a fix..

Finally he found the fix and was good (bad) enough to let me know about taht.,, That too in a voice audible enough to some otehrs.

I had to agree that its a nice fix, and that i was not investigating from his end,..Then on, he accompanied me to the manager and took the trouble of explaining the complete solution, and made me look like an idiot. And he ended teh conversation saying " any problem come to me"..

Am i gloating for his success or was it his fault to flaunt before my manager.?????????

Was there a better way for both of us to deal the complete thing..

When ever ppl say to be more professional, may be this is what they mean...

last night...

Last night me and my roomie dragged ourselves into a discussion which eventually turned on to the problmes we had in our prev work env.

After a while of blabber he opened up.. Surprisingly what all problems i think i had ( and still have) he too had had.

He had problems with his communication skills, with saying NO at the right time, get into inferiority complex often, always feel that he is wasting his time doing nothing worthful etc...

Hmm. it makes me feel nice to find a companion,. atleast am not alone in the deep bullshit.But the good thing with him is that he has overcome most of the problems he had and i still have to..

Hope i will......

i dont know why but i feel that problems i have, occur only to me, but to none else.......<br>I started playing football with romanians here.. its quite relieveing after a days gluing-the-ass-to-chair thing.

sleepless nights

I often have sleepless nights. Most due to my constant reminding of the worries i have. these days,( at times) i do have sleeples nights but of a different kind.

I no longer worry about being awake, that i could sleep only for 3-4 hours, that i would be sleepy through out the next day, but i rather enjoi being awake... Earlier i used to think about all the things that happened to me and present myself with the worst case scenario of the complete issue. That made me greet the things the next day with a worse attitude.

But lately, i am letting the thoughts dip in. Trying to make most out of the time i am getting for myself. And perhaps, no more frequent sleepless nights.

my woes.

Actually thought pf posting something else, but my fickle mood made me to post this dumb thing about myself again.

Today we were assigned the project.. and am just writing down what all went inside me. My new project would be some XYZ Maintenance. The second word made me feel real bad about the whole thing. I dont know what kind of work will welcome me there, but i reeled myself in gloomy thoughts. Like what if the work wont be nice, what if there is no  chance of onsite, what if the project members are not nice, what if i dont get a shift soon, what if am not satisfied with the project.. i could not help being pessimistic,,. i know it wont help me but still..

Its not the problem with the project am assigned to.. but even if the porject is a good one i would have been satisfied fully..Felt as if every other person in the class were put into good projects than mine. Though i didnt feel jealousy of any sort, but some where i was burning.,. upon none but my luck,, even before knowing whether its good or bad..

i wish i were an optimist..( optimism of a pessimist)..

Money,,,,

One book ireally wanted to read but was advised not to is the book of J. Krishna murthy.
There is this mentor of mine who said taht i am not matured enough to get into that kind of stuff. But the things he told me about what had happedned to some ppl (rather how they are influenced) after reading it, had made the things much more worse for me, by making me more curious about whats in that book.

i was attracted to one point among all what he told .. that you dont tend to rate money as a substantial thing in life.. I really wanted to be one of that kind,, one who does not care for money  at all.

But as there is a lot of gap between being want to be one and really being one, i never succeeded in being one.
Well, its indeed a better way to live, without any monetary inhibitions, but its the hardest thing, i suppose..

I say to myself taht i should be practising that.. but am still practising it. When ever i go out shopping, or with a dinner with soemone, or i had to spend some money on anything.. i tend to take a back step thinking i should be saving this money rather than littering it away. Being in cyprus added to the woes.. I let my hair grow the way it wants fearing the 6 pound pocket cut. didnt buy a packof cigarettes which would cost me 2.5 pounds. Would not eat a bigMac in peace and the list continues,, though finite..
Who ever says they dont care for money might be lying,,like me.. i suppose.
I think i should get one JKs book for myself.
Money!!! its a gas!!!!

achievers, and me ..

I came across some wonderful people, through out my career....

SOme of them Include..

• a guy who graduated from IIM L. and opted to work for his own venture, neglecting some wonderful offers than came across.
• A guy who got through IIM A but didnt opt it, just coz he wanted to imrpove his technical gamut.( he ended up in pursuing his MBA in ISB)..
• Another, who preferred to help his team mates (rather subordinates) than making full use of the chance for himself.
• a batch mate who graduated as a chemical enginner, and working on the kernal of LOngHorn.
• Class mate whose proposal was accepted by NASA.
• couple of friends who consider them selves as gods gift to the world, and worse, they really are.

when i compare myself with these guys( some of them indeed are very close to me, personally and professionally) i really hit my low. A question that creeps into my mind,.. what did i achieve in my life.. what significant thing did i do with my life other than just living it.. But i am really thankful for every one of the above.. for influencing me to turn myself into someone better,,.. i would not  be the same had it not been them,....Even otherwise,  spend some time with cigarettes, beer and pink floyd songs, life seems to be normal again.;);)

re-union

i havebeen out of touch with this for the past 2 months or so.
Reason.. i setteled down comfyly in Cyprus.
Its been 1 month since i landed here and i was pretty much busy since. Perhaps that does not give ample reason for being out in touch with my blog ( even after two reminders from moderator). I thought i would never ever get back to this blog again, but this image

changed my view aout myself and about the blog. Yes..i (used to) judge my self-importance with the number of commments to my entry, or by no of mails that i get every day, or the number of times my mobile buzzs.THis ad definitely changed my perspective which eventuallly had to change with time.
lining up the happenings:
I thought i would settle in hyd, in a compnay named MG. but i was not lucky enough to get the joining date in time.I had no other option but to opt for Amdocs.
i landed here and intial weeks went by busy weighing my decision.
Wheni concluded that its worthy enough, i confronted this porblem, about myself agian. I had an impresion that i was good at Java, but after coming her i met some ppl who really are great at it. That put me at low gear and i had to over come that.Ofcourse it took some time and probably will continue to take too.
Then was busy withhouse hunting. Luckily we finally settled in a beautiful place, in the outskirts on a hilly area, with some beautiful sights around.
NOw when everything is pretty much settled, i during my baskingly browsing session came across this toon.. It didnt take much time to decide to get back to my old friend. And teh reunion indeed is nice.

I decided to fill this blog with more about me rather than a posting which beg for a comment.
more continued......

dream come true.

I am digging a hole and i find a ruppe coin, i dig further and find another one, i continue digging and find some  more.

Other version of teh same thing, i go along a road  i find some money , i pick it up and go further down. find another note, i continue to find some more money.

These two are the typical one in many dreams that occur a bit more often.

and last night something similar had happend. I went to a teastall which is open 24/7 with my friend. When we were returning back near the gate i found a 100 rupee note. Told the watchman there about it, but luckily or unluckily he didnt bother to undersatnd what i was trying to say. When some auto wallas came to my rescue  choose not to reveal it.

I again walked inside, ( tea stall is in a hospital campus.) and astonished to find another 100 rs note lying exactly with similar fold. I walked down further and this time a 50 rs note welcomed me. I was clueless of what to do. No doubt i walked further , yes, with the hope of finding more. But luck ended after that. I spent sometime there waiting for someone to go searching on the road, but none did. I doubted whether i should give the money to the watchman and ask him to give to the one who comes searching there, or whether should i leave my contact number with him and ask the owner of the money to conatct me. But i was not sure whether the money goes to the real owner. So i just choose to keep the money to myself. Felt a bit guilty for what i did and asked some of my friends of what they would have done. They made me understand exactly what i wanted them to.. ie. taht what ever i have done is the right thing.,

whole episode made me reel under a feeling that one day our dreams might come true. ;)

policies.

I expected that the days after i put in my papers would be a bit uncomfortable with everyones WHY questions.. but it turned out to be much more worse, for reasons i didnt expect.

I went to my PM  to settle my final date, but he said i have to serve 30 days and that i am not eligible to take any leave in the interim. Told that it would spoil some billing MATRIX, and some other bullshit matrix. said he cannt help me in this regard and that i should go and talk with HR manager. I dont understand why that AH basks in that designation then.. F***...

Meeting the HR is another head ache. Though cute she is, but not in talk. She speaks all about policies and nothing else. hell with her confirmity with policies as if in her whole life she is brought upon by policies.My lead does not have any problem leaving me before ( read it as kicking me out) and so does my PL. But she has, just coz every s/w soul working in this goddamn company should adhere to the dumb meaningless policies. Finally i dont know who won, but i could sense a winning smirkish smile as i walked out of her cube. ( or did i just overread it.,.)

but i have to repeat the whole excercise again tomorrow.

I wish i were a HR manager.. just to get a feel of how some one feels talking nonsence ( policies, practices, rules, regulations) through out the day. But thanks i was not .

had enough for thd day. will go and better it up in my fave pub.

HIV -ve

My results are out and am tested as HIV -ve. But when i was waiting in te reception for the results, was thinking in the lines of what-if-iam-positive. All weird thoughts crisscrossed my mind. :).. thank god am not.

Today am planning to put my resignation papers inmy present company. Was wondering what to write in the mail, then googol came to my rescue. I wonder what would be the fate of a typical software engineer if google was not there. If at all i wer paid a rupee every time i accessed google, so far, i would have become a lakhpati,  and in future a millionare i guess...

Today, our canteen served free lunch for those who give some coupons ( which were given some days back and most successfully ended in the dustbins..). and the cafeteria was crowded like never before. I was one among them..

If i were posed a question "what is the particular clan of people you hate.. ?? ( hate seems to be aBIG word for this.. may be dislike)  I would say s/w engineeers and equally HR managers. But hehehehe.. i am one among them.. No regrets for all the regrets..

time to hit the submit..