D4 and D6
baap | 2 January 2005, 12:48am
New years! A time for a new beginning? Nah not for me...i dont have anything to end abruptly..to start off anew. Making resolutions just because..the calendar turns yet another page? Nah ive realised, nothing in my life can be resolved upon....i cant make snapshot decisions when it comes to my life...A gradual change is always the thng that works for me. So resolving on "doing this or that or NOT doing this or that" just because the clock strikes another 12....is not me. Gradual..hmm? not slow..but gradual, there is a difference you see... Ive been in a monotonically increasing stage of depression which is tending to further as time goes by. Humour is all deliberate but it works!, people around me still laugh when i want to make em laugh...thankfully! Gradual"ity" is the new theme of this year...me thinks..(gradually thinks..the line on deliberate humour was shitty, but i shall take lite...gradually)
I was in a theatre at midnight..yep..thought i would have a quite, humble, modest new year's but things were quite exciting actually. At the stroke of midnight i wished "Happy New year's" to D4 and D6...thats the only way i can address the people sitting adjacent to you in a friggin theatre. What were other people doing?
getting stoned,
spending time with their "special someones",
tending to their loved ones...with other "loved" ones
....while i was watching a Movie. No, its not a sarcastic mockery on how crummy my new years was...it WASNT AT ALL..!!! i saw a gay king march his weary troops into battle (ahem the movie was Alexander...), exited the movie to watch another charade of a group of stoned people whose level of humour was dispicable yet amazingly FUNNY! Then i went to an icecream parlour, ate an ice-cream called a "nutty buddy" kathey...which was the by far the BIGGEST, heaviest MOFO icecream i ever saw rather ATE! On the way home...saw my second shooting star..!!! but didnt have anything to wish for...
Strangely throughout the night i had verses of old songs going in my head...things like
Shout Shout, Let it all out
These are the things I can do without
Come On. I'm talking to you
Come on
AND
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord
I've been waiting for this moment, all my life, Oh Lord
Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord, Oh Lord
AND
Take these broken wings
And learn to fly again
learn to live so free.
And when we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up and let us in.
Dunno why but right from my home to the theatre ( a good distance) i kept singing these songs...and i hadnt heard them for ages.
This new years, I gave a rat's ass to self evaluation, reapprasial, retrospect. Retrospect...hmm..last new years was interesting...had a party at home..which ended in camouflaging something as "oregano".. to my dumbstruck parents! A number of things were consequential last new year's...things which wuld continue into mostly crap throughout the year.
This year though, nothing was consequential...D4, D6, Nutty Buddy, A shooting star and a group of stoners. Im sure other people had equal amount of joy as of January 1st 2005 !!!
2005!!As a tradition, the first calculation of a year is devoted to the subtraction of the current year and the year i was born!!! 21 DAAAYM...cha still not 21 though technicaly...anyway things i did in the first few minutes of the new year:
Blinked at the special effects worth millions of dollars on a movie screen while i munched on a 10 rs. (.21 $) chips packet. (Talk about trying to be non-consequential...jeez...chaos theory will have a toughie on this...!)
Thought about the Tsunami
Thought about who i could be with right now...if not for 2004!! (real suckers these multiples of 4 get....)
Changed my bike name from Rilma Thoron to Bucephalus
.....Changed it back to Rilma Thoron
Thought about shaving my beard
Gradual"ity", did i say this new year's theme was ? More like Indecisiveness....NAH man...see this is what i say by being consequential...who the hell cares..whether i shave my beard or not...(as a matter of fact..when i proposed the idea...to my sister..she was on the brink of crying...she said i would look like a girl with a boycut WTF!!!)...wateva...the point is...its a new year...and a new beginning shall take its effect "GRADUALLY"!!!!
H a p p y N e w Y e a r
PS: Note the gradual"ity". :p
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Current Mood: Sick
Current Music: Shout- Tears for Fears, In the Air tonight- Phil Collins, Broken Wings - Mr. Mister
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Moody mood indigo
baap | 26 December 2004, 11:36pm
Today I came back....came back to the relatively less traffic, relatively cooler and drier weather, relatively more warmer people, relatively less attractive female population...today i came back home! Hyderabad!!!!
I went to Mumbai to attend Mood Indigo for the 3rd time...and it was one heckuva expereince...I went with one intention and one intention ONLY...ESCAPE!
Why escape? nothing haenous was going here but it was an escapade from stagnation, redundancy...basically...a escape that symbolised a change of activities, a change of interaction a change of everything keeping one thing constant...ONE STABLE MOOD in Mood Indigo (
Generally Mood I is a place..where college students all over the country gear up to compete with one another in a plethora of activities....but for me being a 3rd timer...i wanted to do other stuff...other than sit around the air conditioned halls and "compete"..although i havent been much competition before also..but still the usual aura of enthusiasm to compete which drove me the previous two years was gone...!
The Mood I expereince started out 2 years back when i was in my first year of engineering and i left with regret, the 2nd time was better in a lot of respects apart from trying to "compete"..but still left with regrets..but this time..that godforsaken IIT..was not going to return gift me "regret" yet again!!! NO WAY HOZAY!!! I had to do something there which i would remember....and i think i did...I walked..YES! I plainly and simply walked...the whole frikkin campus...!!!
26 rounds around a 400 metre track...first 20, i was totally stoned and the remaining 6 were becasue..i was "maroing life key fundas"...man did i get alot of shit out of my head...it was like...every round i completed, symbolised a trash can nearby getting filled up. Hence, i successfully filled up 26 trash cans...and said bye bye to them! by walking another 3 kilometres to the main gate and back to my hostel..
Mood I number 3 was initially like a huge haunted venue, the last time..i had wonderful expriences...with amazing people...but this time...the people were basically the same, but every familiar place i went i saw a shadow of the vision of last year. It was depressing and FUCKING scary!. (FYI, the hallucinations were caused due to being totally and completely BLOWN outta my skull)...but they all were so fucking real.
Every road i walked alone this year...i saw an image of myself walk the previous year...and yeah those walks were consequential walks which had consequences later on...This time..i cared a damn about everything else and walked...regardless of the corns which developed underneath my toes, regardless of the company which were as bad as the corns.... This walk represented an erasing of those memories...why erase good memories i ask? BECAUSE..they all boiled down to one thing....R.E.G.R.E.T.
Off late i have noticed...these blogs have got amazingly depressing and boring to say the least...so this is one last trash can i am filling up...!
Current Mood: Bye!
Current Music: Boys of Summer-Don Henley
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Im only half of what i am.....
baap | 6 December 2004, 12:53pm
Something that i have realised after examining the relationships i have with different people....is that whenever i meet someone new, i tend to communicate with the other person with the view that i presume to be half of what the other person is....when i talk, when i interact, when i think...i think only as half of myself and the other half as someone else....that someone else is either the person i am talking to or the person i am thinking about. Theoretically, i thought this would be the optimum way of maintaining a stable rapport with people, as i can see both sides of things in case the other individual has a completely different point of view. To a certain extent it has worked very effectively, as im very satisfied with the peer group i belong to. BUT....
Thinking or rather assuming to be half of that other person does have its drawbacks...sometimes, the equlibrium shifts and you no longer are you but that other person, once youve (Ive) known a person for a long time..and am experiencing problems with that particular person...i tend to think too much FOR that person instead OF that person...which make me do or say extremely stupid things....or...things that i dont mean.
Being half of the other person does in no way make me lose my individuality or identity, its only used to try and understand on a better level what the other person is saying..that's all.
YES, i am experiencing a lot of problems with people off late...can't seem to gel anymore with anybody. Either i have started completely to think AS myself, or i am tired of thinking too much for others....so much so that after long stints of mis-understanding and misconceptions...i just give up and STOP talking to that person. But when you've known the people you know for so long...people who have influenced your actions, your opinions on trivial matters, important matters, have introduced to you a whole new meaning to living...its just not affordable anymore to STOP talking.
I have to confess, these hidden assumptions i make are generally positive ones...and hence i judge that person on a much more postive level than they deserve...and therefore expect the same from the other side! But i fail to understand, that these assumptions have NOT been communicated to the other side..and hence stay hidden, so how am i to recieve what i expect..? Usually, it doesnt affect me...but off late it has, because of which i have totally lost my sense of individuality and identity. Right now i am so lost that it probably might just take something short of a miracle to get me back on track, and back into "action"?
I perfectly understand the problem, when i like something i tend to like it too much...so much so that if i dont recieve anymore satisfaction on liking that thing, i lose complete interest in it...and this OK as long as it was applied to inanimate things. Now though, i have extended this same behaviour/attitude to people...and its really screwy. I dont know how to solve it...and i am afraid of saying "solving" because..these things are so fundamental that they DONT need SOLVING..at all..just thinking on a pure rational and common sensical behaviour will DO! But NO...i am always the one..to shy away from Common Sense * i feel as if i am scolding myself...and YEAH i am!
Back to the half-me and half-other funda....the people who disagree with this concept..very rightly so call it "living for others" or "martyrdom"....and i suppose they are "RIGHT"!!!! The whole martyr thing originates from a lot of things...and converges onto a lot more...but the core is completely and totally "harmless"...
There occur a lot of times in people's life where...they reach a crossroads..when they have to make a decision. But all i can visualize is this ONE ROAD...with no signs no crossroads...except for a helluva lot of exits...its like a highway...and the exits symbolize the different ways i can run away from the situation at hand, when it gets incomprehensible/vague/unsure. Some of these exits are Cigarettes, Alcohol, Drugs......."Martyrdom"...! I would love to maintain stable relationships with people...but rather end up at a dead-end...whenever i critically examine it, and find that at THAT particular point of time...that relationship is not satisfying, whereas it has been throughout! And it is this dead-end that people would call a "mental block"...a block which has been proven scientifically that it occurs..and takes a whole lotta will power to dispel. Just because science has identified it..doesnt make it an excuse or any better...
All i have to say is that at the end of it...taking the larger picture i mean no friggin harm..but its that extra inch of effort i can put into a relationship which wil make it perfect...i somehow cant put in that inch....the inch of disparity i call it....
*BTW: the song that im listening too...is a sure sign of hope...i heard this song for the first time..in the morning...visualized it...and then when i saw the video...later in the night...it was exactly what i picturized!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God for SS Music..
Current Mood: Worried
Current Music: BROKEN WINGS by mr mister
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Communicating with "others"
baap | 1 December 2004, 6:49am
Have you ever felt the need to tell something to a person, at particular times....like when youve seen something funny or beautiful or HOT :p or just something that you HAVE to share with a person, any person if needed...but couldnt? Its because of that feeling that defines my communication with alot of people and "things", yeah anything...for example...I was driving my bike and saw a Moon which looked like the ones you see in a National Geographic Magazine. I always used to wonder how they used to make the SUN or the Moon so BIG man..anyway...yeah when such situations do occur i tell anything/anybody...especially anything! Today i conducted a full-length conversation with my bike!!!! for a whole 45 minutes..and her responses were so perfect!!!! *can visualize people making a circular motion with their finger near their temple...(i yam crajy)
Me:HEY WOW! amazing moon man
Bike: Vroooom!!! *notice how moon and vrooom are kinda homophonic!!!
Me:*Sigh
Bike:Vroom?
Me: No rey bhai...just so nice and cold and moony
Bike:Brrrr *agrees
Me: Do you like me Rilma ? *yep her name is rilma....rilma thoron
Bike:Thump Thump
Me: OK
Bike: Vroom thump creak screech
Me: Simply
Bike:OK
Me:Sooo...howz life ?
Bike: Whoosh...Zooom...Click...Thump
Me..yeah i know it can get tough sometimes, things like these you should take lite...
Bike: Thu"hmmmm"p
Along the way comes a Bullet Electra...all shining and new
Bike: Vroom Vrooooom
ME: *jerks Take it easy girl...Bah you and ur pistons...always looking fr the next "stroke"
Bike: Thump...Whish...Brrrr???
Me: Yeah i do...but its getting complicated...i dont know where its going..but i know you have the hots fr that "Lighting" guy in the adjacent parking space....aaaat
Bike...B"lush"rrrrroom.....!
Although her vocabulary was clearly limited...it was like we could talk forever...!!!
People wise...this urge to talk to someone sometimes....establishes my rapport with the lower strata of society....chaiwalas, autowalas, pan dabba walas..and more "wallah"s....mostly...they are the ones doing the talking...and MAN can they talk. Just a while back i was in this auto...and by the time i reached my destination i got to know...about his family..his views on the current fashion trends adopted by men and women...but more about women :p..the past, present and future political situation of the city, state, country, and world too sometimes!!! they always follow a fixed pattern...good(past),bad(now),ugly(later)!!!
Apparently my mom used to do this kinda stuff all the time...and man..i cant tell you how weird it gets when this random auto guy out of nowhere says "Amma mereku paichaney...arey baba..bada ho gaya?...lasht mein jab dekha...tho woh itha ich tha"...and im left speechless...or "DYAAAAM"!!! Or this time...when this particular waiter comes up and says..."Arey memsahab...mein Peacock ka waiter tha...aapke husband abhi bhi jahaz par kaam karr rey?....
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Current Mood: Bye!
Current Music: Roxette - Shes got the look
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PEELING OFF!
baap | 29 November 2004, 11:27am
Today i made a revelation, actually it was a weird revelation....happened at the fag end of the day...sometime around 11:30 PM, but a revelation none-the-less. Before that though, i opted to take to bed unusually early.. as per the norms i have been following for around 3 years of sleeping only after the next day has arrived..time-wise. Before turning off the lights though, i tucked myself in and started reading a book, a children's classic rather...it was given to me by a friend (*long pause). Anyway after reading for about 45 minutes....i turned off the lights and proceeded to sleep. It felt different this time, the sleep that is, i felt "peeled-off"...yeah a term which suits aptly to that situation.
The book which i read made me feel peeled off. No, although it sounds uncannily similiar to the phrase "pissed-off" it isnt...in fact peeled off is something to deal with the other end of the spectrum of human emotion --- positive, peeling off symbolised the layers of stupid adoloscence that i peeled off...I approached the "children's classic" with the intent of compensating for my "lost childhood"...which made me visualize all the things that i did when i was a kid, or the things that i could have done.
I then remembered the time, when me and my cousin's cousin who was far younger than i was at that time...when i was young myself, went around the neighbourhood with our new walkie talkies acting like spies..we went to people's windows and reported on all their activities...
ME: Roger,Charlie, Alpha (Clearly had no idea what it meant, but had to be said to get the "effect"!)...sambar being made at 9:30. Suspicious activity at 2 o clock *Note the reference to time in two different contexts!
CC: (Alpha Bravo Chaplin..) People sitting in front of Television...*Clearly he was a newbie :p BTW...no visual sight of Charlie and Roger...*there was an Alpha?
*legend: cc=cousin's cousin
Anyway we continued doing this till we finally stumbled upon a house wherein a couple was making love...both of us were stunned..i clearly knew what was happennig..cc didn't...i understood then we were invading privacy...*(yeah roight...and seeing people making sambar and watching TV was not?..No actually it wasnt)* ...cc had NO IDEA what the hell was going on..and thought he was on a real spy mission!!! I said ABORT ABORT...to save cc's innocence...but it was too late...the lights were turned on...and all hell broke loose..nakedness spattered all over and innoence along with it...
The point of that story was that..."WOAH...i had a childhood"...not that it was filled with stumbling across acts of love making, although they did come at untimely intervals, but i proceeded to think whether i had any friends...like the ones they show playing in the TATA ad.
There was this one guy called Revanth, he lived in the gound floor and man..this guy was a typical TATA ad kinda friend...we used to go bi-cycling together and playing with our *MY toys..and doing all kinds of stuff. In fact a majority of my childhood memories are with this guy, and i forgot about him totally!!!! I mean totally....this guy according to my current life was so insignificant..WHY? Because i hadnt shared with him any of my secrets...and I HADN'T any then!!! I was so caught up in the belief that one should share "secrets" with other people to make them "significant" friends that i didnt realise that this guy was the ONLY friend i had who was worth remembering in times like these.
Anyway i got fed up with revanth eventually, because he never aged..never grew up. He always was the guy who teased me for farting when he smelt something weird, and always the guy who used to do random stuff like curl up his nostrils and say "altha pithalay- pilthi pithalay"...and i apparently had to GROW UP? Bullshit...
The realisation then dawned upon me was that who was i trying to fool by saying that i didnt have a frikkin childhood? Memories like "love making stumbling while on a imaginary clandestine operation" were more than ENOUGH to sustain a childhood fr a helluva lot of children.
Hence the peeling off...was "fruitful"
PS:...I hope you got that last bit because if i explained it...it just would lose its ingenuity!!!
Current Mood: Happy Indeed!
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GROWL!!!!
baap | 6 November 2004, 11:43am
This post was added on August 31st 11:49 PM and deleted on September 1st 11:49 AM!!! nothing to lose bolkey i'm adding off now...
The 3 most powerful people on the Face of the planet:
The President of the United States
The President of Russia
&
The Commander of a Nuclear Submarine
This appears at the beginning of one of the most thought-provoking movies i have ever seen. Crimson Tide. I just had a beer with my friend, we spoke about Religion for 2 and a half hours, i came home and i saw Crimson Tide! What more can a GUY ask for more, other than sexual gratification. DAMN! if guys were to achieve such states of pleasure, there wouldnt be any need for sex man! Ok i am high, but these are words from a drunk person!. Believe every WORD i say, because in all probability tomorrow when i wake up and see this blog, i wont blink before deleting it!
The movie Crimson Tide, whoever says it is the ultimate fight between good and evil, go screw urself and lick a lollipop for all i care!. It is an encounter between 2 men of the highest respect aboard a machine capable of wiping out 1/6 th of World's Land Mass! What are they fighting about: Whether to blow up 1/6th of the world or not! This is not a fight between good and evil, No its a battle aboard a battle machine, between the immediate good and the ultimate good. The imeediate good being that of the protection of the World from Rebellion control over Russia's Nuclear Forces, the ultimate good being to refrain from making the ultimate mistake, that of launching a nuclear strike against the immediate situation. If that's not thought-provoking then go suck a lollipop....
The Captain aboard the USS Alabama, Gene Hackman, one of the strongest characters ever! The other, African American, Denzel Washington: one of the stringent faces ever seen by Mankind! A black man should always be respected for his Stringent Face....his Stern Stare...i remember a scene from the Merchant of Venice, where one of Portia's suitors is an African and maroes about how he can stand face-face with a Lion breathing down his neck.That kinda look our man Denzel is capable of giving, and I LOVE him for that! The heated encounters both of them cannot be more literally described as "Clash of the Titans". Apart from a powerful white man vs a powerful black man, this is the ultimate test of characters.
None lose, Gene Hackman with 30 years of illustrious career behind him remains unphased, but Denzel Washington with the sheer determination and his loyalty to the strict protocol to be followed in a NUCLEAR FRIKKIN SUBMARINE, sticks to his principles. The end result, a STERN FACE which sends both shrills down your spine and goosebumps quacking all over your frikkin body, as a result of a captain slapping the Exo (Executive Officer) twice! Its like a father slapping his son over POWER! AAAH!! My own father being a sailor and being an executive officer typa guys.....aboard similar though civilian conditions, the son (me) cannot relate any closer!
Today was probably the most GUYest Day of my friggin LIFE! and i growl within the cochels of my inners to show that i loved it, if my chest were big enough, i would thump it like a silver back mountain gorilla, but i wont because it just hurts too much, and that would be stupid right now (jeez, some man i am!!!!)
Anyway, this(this post and my intoxicated state), i am sure will last for a very short time...so YENJOI!!!!!!!!!
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Current Mood: Cold
Current Music: Nappy Roots- AWNAW!
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Simple stuff
baap | 29 October 2004, 1:59pm
Life....is simple. Those 3 words form the most sought after "challenge" among us ambitious humans. What i mean by simplicity is well..."simple". There's nothing more to
it..the more i try to theorize this concept, the statement becomes even more un-authentic. But lets have a go at it....recently i came upon a certain individual or rather multiple individuals who questioned other individuals on why do they complicate life so much or why do i (we/they/me) think about a certain aspect so much. True, it is
disturbing to see this cumbering process of delving into why something happens or how it happens or when will it happen or (not) happen..but i am in a dilemna as how to
answer them if i was asked the same.
On one side, its like leave it be wherever it is and continue ur existence..without bothering about it too much or by making insignificant glances into the matter. But then i would be only denying the enormous capability of Human thought! On the other hand, there are instances where there occurs so much introspection/scrutiny into the
matter that it often leads to destructive ends. When i say destructive, i mean non-constructive (obvious) but still...had to be stated explicitly.Nowadays i tend to see this rise
of NON-constructive scrutiny, speaking purely in context of fundamental thinking patterns.
Things like :
Why this happened is now extrapolated to (what if's...by making urself as the first person and simualting an environment where u are un-necessarily present in the situation
and how you would react to it)
How could this have happened? or How will it happen is again extended to (What if it happens or doesnt happen....not to you necessarily but another person...)
Im sure alot of people have gone through this phase, and there are several meanings to it:
DEPRESSION
LETHARGY
PROCRASTINATION...etc.
Basically a deliberate attempt to make one self unhappier, which eats through a person like saliva does to sugar candy. A lot of causes can be attributed to this, which brings me back to the main point SIMPLICITY. Im not talking about a simplistic way of living in the material sense but purely in the psychological sense. If a person starts transitioning towards a much more metaphysical way of thought (which is supposed to come only in times of sheer despair) often, such a person is in deep SHIT. Even worse if that person does this deliberately HE will end up in big time doo-doo to put in SIMPLY!
What is the solution to this? I ask myself too...i say its an interaction on a wider scale and ONLY on a personal level, not through crummy psuedo environments (YM! type shit)...which lends to an obligation to shift personalities from world-world. The Internet today is fast developing into a much WIDER world than the existing REAL WORLD, and makes one lose touch completely with the real world which is highly disturbing to me. So people get the fuck out and start communicating with much more efficient and articulate devices like ur mouth, hands, eyes (ears if possible :p), ooh tongue too! rather than commuinicating in a world which is ONLY attempting to copy these already freely available qualities
GO to your neighbours houses and have lunch if u have to
Talk to the Auto Driver on ur way to the bloody Web World
Talk to the "chichas", "mama's" and "kakas" of the cayfs...
Say GoodMorning and Good Evening to strangers...!!!! with a smile (flirtacious if necessary!!!)
If u bump into a stranger too often, introduce urself and say "catchya later"!!!
This stuff is bloody FUNDAMENTAL TEXT-BOOK shit that IS not supposed to fade away, this "Zombie Culture" that is highly conducive to people like me with their computer a few inches from where they sleep./.IS NOT AT ALL acceptable...
GO OUT!/ FUCK OFF/GET LOST (yeah ive done that too...literally)
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Current Mood: Cheerful
Current Music: Led Zep-Dyer Maker
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Existential ism
baap | 13 October 2004, 11:36pm
Life, as of now...is EXISTENTIAL..yeah..yep...thats what it is! Everything now revolves around the fact that "that thing" exists! Delving into how that thing has affected your existence is not relevant, but the fact that it exists is what should be appreciated or depriciated. Its been a long time since ive actually written anything but the fact that my writing exists is providing me comfort. Things have suddenly become superficial now, i mean not in the negative sense but superficial as in the existential sense. I no longer yearn to look beyond what is present right in front of me. I used to do that before, which led to a wastage of precious mental space and un-necessary inconsistency of emotions to particular things or people.
For example: There is a certain person, let his name be "Saurav" Ganguly...ok. This guy tends to lead his life based totally on verbally or outwardly projecting his view of other people, to other people. Previously, i would "outwardly" wonder why such people do such stuff, but now such an outward thought process has given way to a more cursory examination of his existence. He exists, He does such stuff, SO BE IT. I have become more supple, more adaptable to situations to people, more accepting if u will, no more getting pissed off at "deliberately stained jeans". WHY?. I know it was Fun for the audience, listening to my woes. But the truth of the matter is that, these were actually MY WOES! Small things like...Soap-Opera acting and insignificant things were my Primary Woes, the problem was that i dint priorities my disturbances/distractions...all of them were automatically HIGH Priority. From things like...."Sunsilk Black Shampoo ads showing why marriages solely depends on hair-texture" to "Whether im going to get a job or get a good score in GRE", all these woes were TOP Priority, which was proving to be too tough to handle!
So i have left the shampoo based woes to an existential prioirty, while the other woes i take into serious consideration so that i can act upon them more effectively which in turn would affect my life in some significant manner!
Another thing i have realised, or rather acheived unfortunately! I have discovered the limits of my Brain!, I have driven my brain to overload so many times, that there just isnt any way to take in more data (in the pure scientific sense), i mean there have been times, where i have to force myself to STOP THINKING Completely...in order to achieve something trivial like brushing my teeth or drinking Water or Sleeping! This saddens me, as my imagination is being restrained to do things it is best at doing! DREAMING!!!!! YES, I cant Dream anymore...this deliberate restraint on the mind has extended to the total shutdown of the "Dream Theatre" (*smirk)...while sleeping. No More time accelaration methods while driving....or doing some monontonous activity. Driving for example, has become easier...before i used to consiously daze in order to shorten journey times, but now it doesnt work.
Im on the verge of losing all of my creative abilities (however little they are)...SEE There right there.....the brackets before signifies this! I am becoming Cyncial of MY OWN SELF! SHIT......AWESOME-OH!
Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: YES! - Owner of a Lonely Heart
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A lack of Interest....literally!
baap | 24 September 2004, 9:51am
This is probably one of the first times, that Im going to write about my current state of mind and deliberately write about it. Generally, it was always a natural process ever since I started blogging
Current Mood: Gloomy
Current Music: Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing
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Men Women Girls Boys and ME!
baap | 19 September 2004, 1:37pm
Firstly, to avoid crappy smirks I would like to confirm that my gender is MALE. There comes a time when, a revolution occurs in the GENERAL male psyche and I always tend to be left out, or rather CHOOSE to be left out. It all started a month back I guess, when MEN/GUYS/BOYS all over (obviously I am referring to the ones I am acquainted with) took a peek in their pants and were left Flabbergasted! OH! I have a Penis! Bolkey they maroed dialogue
Current Mood: Dismissive
Current Music: Sting - Brand New Day
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People vs Individuals
baap | 12 September 2004, 11:45am
People! I like people. They don
Current Mood: Worried
Current Music: Genesis - Sussudi
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Levels of abstractiveness
baap | 29 August 2004, 5:34pm
I grow closer to them
They recede farther from me
With intention do i do this
A cruel motive for a sort of peace
Every time they laugh due to me
A smirk hidden charged as a fee
Everytime they share a secret
A wicked smile across is kept
Trust i have to lost to the one i trusted
Love i have lost to the one i loved
Alliance i have lost with the one i fought with
I traverse the horizon between protection and filth
Rhyme in this verse is not true
For if it rhymes, you have the wrong clue
Trust no more, love no one, fight alone
The moon, the light which is less, the Sun.
Singing of elevated prescience, sets limits
A roof on top to dam the highs
A floor below to uplift the lows
In this room of equilibrium are the seeds i sow.
A tribute to the light in a closed ending in a facial expression of exclamation!
PS: I thank the constant inundation of the story of a symbologist, Donnie Darko,the movie,and a budding rock star....(with long hair and some NBA description of his genitals), which helped me in conjuring this piece of abstract verse.
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Current Mood: Dumb
Current Music: none
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Old People & Long walks
baap | 25 August 2004, 11:16am
The Walk of Life:I share many fancies with old men, really old MEN. Im talking about senior citizens...here. I specify old MEN here, because all the old MEN ive known closely are/were (the shift between tenses comes with old age....excuse me...old chaps!). Old Women in my family atleast come from that generation where they got married off at the age of 13 and now shuttle between continents. Point is i don't share my fancies with them. I feel the need to specify the word "fancies" here, i can already sense the bloody smirk on those ppl out there, fr heaven's sake I AM one of them!
All the old men in my family Love Long Walks, i mean they walk/walked like crazy, deliberated on the paradox here. They are too old to run, but they walk distances unimaginable to the younger peppier ones. I love long walks, i can too walk unfathomable distances, if needed. I can walk and talk or not talk for hours and hours, talk about anything dealing with "why men love boobs" to "the range of the Trident Sub which is capabale of carrying 24 ICBMS and has enough weaponry to blow up the whole world forty times over!". Old Men like doing that. I love my past ----> Old men literally live in their past..."Before my retirement.....". I like such talk.
I realise though i am too young to think about shit like this....fr heavens sake...i like eyeglasses with a "large field of vision"?????? WTF! im supposed to be wearing those thick framed black "retro" (bullshit) frames..or even BETTER CONTACTS MAN! Theyr Cool...! BULLSHIT...i say! (woah old man dialogue right there...who would specify the "...i say"...OLD MEN!!!). Anyway..the fact is like walking, especially when the weather conditions are right, a slight chill is also acceptable...but NO HEAT!
I have walked with a lot of people, but very few of them were actually satisfactory...the others..were well just walks. These "satisfactory" walks ive had with people, i tend to remember be it exactly 1 year back or 10 years back! Firstly, i analyse whether the walk is satisfactory, if it is, i press record! There was this one time, when i walked up the steps to a hill in vizag with my grandpa...we saw a Submarine, talked about our family's lineage (BTW one of my ancestors was a Naxalite too...Awesome!!!) and stuff like that.
Off late though i havent had such walks, and i long for one, the weather too seems promising.Old men man, they rock!!! I respect anyone who was living during the invasion of Normandy, and knew about it then! Or the rarer few who could recollect their tales on the information media about when the Titanic Sunk. (A little over the edge, nah its till 2004, 11 years more to go to lose all HOPE :p...again sorry old ppl, no way to offend you in any sort..just too good to resist!)
ALthough i love walks, its ironic, i have FLAT feet, fuck! And they say flat feeted people can walk long distances, well this is a tribute (WINKS..to the old people) to all those flat feeted people : Keep On Walking.
PS: Hey thats the catch line of Johnnie Walker....again ANCIENT stuff there too...WOO-HOO...!
Current Mood: Itching For One
Current Music: Steppenwolf - Born to be wild
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A transcedence of Hopes...
baap | 24 August 2004, 9:26am
HIGH HOPES by Pink Floyd, probably the only song till date that has sent shivers down my spine. I entered my room, my sister was listening to it. She said she liked the song, i had never heard it before except for seeing its video for about 30 seconds. It was a cursory perception, generally i associate visual images of my own with songs...all songs i hear and i listen to.
But when i heard this song for the firs time in whole, especially from the 23rd second onwards, for some reason i was experiencing extreme FEAR of some kind. A fear i couldn't explain, i was inundated by one visualisation from the 23rd second till the 47th; I was walking in a dark place, a room of sorts with a lot of corners. As a child i was scared of the corners in my house, especially in the dark. I always used to expect, due to my wild imagination which was filled with images of ghosts n all, something horrific.
I was re-living that moment, over and over again for those 14 seconds. I was feeling extremely Chlaustrophobic, although all the doors and windows were open and the Sun was pouring in. This cornered room was a medieval one, something like a dungeon of sorts. I JUST COULDNT EXPLAIN THIS FEELING of fear, then came :
Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun
I was impervious to anything around me, I wasn
Current Mood: Heroic
Current Music: Pink Floyd - High Hopes
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Bored ppl do the darnest things....
baap | 23 August 2004, 12:45am
I was sooo friggin BORED...that I REPLIED BACK TO ME!!!! Jeez...Gotta get a friggin LIFE!
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Current Mood: Amazed
Current Music: Hatebreed - I will be heard
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