31st July, 2004

aloque | 31 Jul 2004, 9:39am

There is something to be said for waking up in the middle of the night and feeling like two hours of sleep is more than my share. Today is a day that should seem longer than normal. Even though every year this day dawns shitty as hell, I thought this one would be different. Thanks Mr. N for the new perspective. Your hot poker to heat up three times as fast. Well. hold that until the day ends at least.

Family is so sweet. Mom especially. Hugs me like a little girl, eats a little cake and plonks unconscious on the bed. Long day she's had. Dear darling T, when you come and read this and I hope you do, you really did make my day start off on a fantastic note.

Have any of you been infected by the damned pop-up window virus? I am continually denying Amy a tease. ALT + F4 Amy. Or being asked to sign up for exciting times ahead. SUSPENSE! Well,  ALT + F4 to your ass too.

On other important issues, the particans have added a new member to thier lists. The only problem being, the new member 'missed' something.

Current Mood: Happy Indeed!
Current Music: no music


Somebody stop me!

aloque | 29 Jul 2004, 8:52am

I know that I was speculating before that the universe might be contriving to make me more than I deemed possible. But, that was just speculation. And as most speculation is, it is more prone to be wrong than right. Except that this speculation is not. Not wrong, that is. The universe is showing me the time of my life right now, and very dangerously erasing from my mind all the pessimism that says that things are too good to be true, thereby leaving me defenseless against possible disaster. I am in a mindlessly happy state, and all those out there thinking 'manic depressive' - who made you the expert? If I have one complaint against the universe is that it is without a sense of balance. Well, when it comes to me anyway. When it rains, it pours is the cliche that suits my life best right now. And unusually I am ripping my helmet off to get drenched instead of waiting for the storm to pass.

What I am saying is that there is no point in approaching things half heartedly. Either I be the grand wuss that I am or go cold turkey and give it my all and expose myself to horrible and unimaginable pain. I play the safety first game better than anyone else. And as we all wear our various facades, some of them do take over parts of our lives and become us. We cannot all be Dorian whose picture gets the worst of his actions. In our frantic efforts to present our best selves, we scar the only self we have, however damned ugly it is, and some scars are permanent.

This is a good time to say to all those people out there that have brightened up my life over the past few weeks that I am over the moon that I had the opportunity to meet them.

TP - wazaaa man, you the winner.

Current Mood: Grand
Current Music: none


Someplace I dont go often

aloque | 26 Jul 2004, 4:26pm

Life has been different lately. Good different. Different always makes way for new perspectives, new experiences and maybe new mistakes. That is good too. I am the kind of person that has had to make mistakes to learn whatever I have. I am kind of stupid and bullheaded that way. So, sometimes my demons become me and I am reduced to a cowering wimp. I just want to hide and all the carefully laid plans get chucked out of the window when the winds of change blow in and once again, although it seemed impossible yesterday, blow me in a new direction. But each time then, something happens that I did not expect, and something that seems totally appropriate, something even my own best plans could not have hatched on their own, and I remember Coelho and believe that the universe is contriving to make me a better person.

I guess the point of all of this is to accept change, open a small window in the glass cages I have carved around my heart, to be unafraid, to finally be able to feel my heart beat, instead of stopping within me when I talk about being brave, or when I dream about overcoming it, or I dare to hope that she can see beyond, knowing within that I do not have the courage to see beyond what I am, knowing that I will not let anyone close enough to see me the way I want to be seen. When will I be free of this? Find me before my fears leave behind my empty shell. I don't think I can ever be strong enough alone. Not even with Paulo and his infinite universe as my crutch.

Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: wish there was a pictur for my mood right now



aloque | 25 Jul 2004, 6:30pm

Unfettered, I have roamed, my will

a vagrant, thrown around by wavering

winds of convenience and ease,

changing directions to skirt obstacles,

instead of fighting, pleasures avoiding,

the courage I had was but cowardice.

Voices waged a war inside my head,

siphoning volume from my insecurities.

My own voice is a whisper in the chaos,

lost, as I bend and crawl, unconscious,

like a puppet on a string. The freedom

I had set me free only from my self.

All the emotion left inside me now may

not suffice, but I place in you my faith

and surrender to the shackles of truth.

Lead me where you will, I will follow,

Command me as you will, I will submit.

This belief I have is but my blindness.

Current Mood: Bad Hair Day
Current Music: none


Laughter induced exhaustion

aloque | 25 Jul 2004, 5:30am

I guess this is more of an experiment to see if in this state I can actually write. Now, by this state, I mean a state of party induced exhaustion, real roll on the floor, tear in the eyes, tummy ache until you want to die laughing induced exhaustion.

Today was such a trip! It was about mellow moods, loads of music, long conversations, fleeting glances, self restraint, midnight bike rides and getting drenched in the early morning rain. Add to that so much laughter.

Still don't want to sleep. My Sunday is already looking mighty small. I am glad for all the night duties. 22 hours and still up like the energizer rabbit. Guess I will stick around for the sunrise.



Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: none


the picture..thanks JLU

aloque | 23 Jul 2004, 11:53pm

all new comers see the previous post


Current Mood: Happy Indeed!
Current Music: none


Hyderabad Journal - day 4

aloque | 23 Jul 2004, 11:16pm

An man is only as old as he allows himself to be, I think. Experience has a way of dulling the senses, making once exciting things seemingly mundane. The truly happy man is one then who figures out how to escape this trap. Seeing life like its something new, day after day might seem juvenile, maybe even impossible, but I saw today in a 75 year old man,  a child's look of disappointment, the glee of an excited teen and the wisdom of his years just told him that he was all of those people. They continue to live with him and they make his life as happy as it is. How sad is it that we leave our past behind all the time? How sad is it to grow up and not recognise the people we were?



Have you seen the Hussain Sagar on a rainy day? The water becomes choppy and the skies and water attain the same dull grey, and the cool breeze signalling the 'any moment now' rainfall. Its so uplifting. Far in the horizon was an area where it was, in fact, raining and streaks of grey spread across the evening sky. I was in a hurry to get somewhere but the sight just made me stop, 2 vehicles nearly ran me over but I made it to the other side to take a couple of pictures. Wish I could put them up.


Damn, can I love this city more?

Current Mood: Lovestruck
Current Music: none


Art for arts sake - Hyderabad journal - day 2

aloque | 21 Jul 2004, 9:27pm

Two ends of one spectrum. A spectrum of love, of passion undiluted by materialism, undisturbed by the bleakness of the future, unsatiated by success beyond the wildest of dreams. Continuing with my Hyderabad travels today, I had the good, no, amazing, even that seems insufficient, fortune to meet two people today.

One, young, strong of body and mind, a dreamer faced with a future that has the bleakest possibilities, and yet is unafraid, just living his passion, whereever that may lead him. So many people like that do not see that dream come true. He was a student in an acting school.

Another, a man who was brought up in the slums of Hyderabad, not a penny in his pocket, but a million dreams in his head, now a man who has performed 10,000 shows in 60 countries all over the world, magnificent in humility, still passionately in love with his art of acting. A living example of what happens when dreams come true.

Art is uplifting, because there is no permanent satisfaction that can be gained from it externally. Validation is of the self by the self and art is love in its purest form, an end in itself.

Current Mood: Happy Indeed!
Current Music: none


20th July 2004

aloque | 20 Jul 2004, 10:07pm

The Hyderabad map is worth 75 bucks and it is probably the best thing I have bought in a while (well, those 200 bucks over the weekend were something else altogether). Coming back to the map, there are so many places in Hyderabad that I have not been to, and when someone recently offered me the opportunity to explore all that, petrol paid for, I promptly gave my bike to the service station and am arming myself with a map that is almost as big as me, a camera, and a gut feeling that this is going to be one hell of a month.

Today was spent bravely venturing into territory that I have never been to before. Beyond the Charminar. Immediately the ornate masjid opens up in front of the eyes, beautiful and old. There is so much romance in old stone. The rickshaw pullers are still allowed in this part of the city and add to the comedy that is commuting on these roads. Another striking thing was the number of women in burkhas. Never seen so many of them in one place. Many minarets and domes poke out of the city scape giving it a true 'old city' feel.

Glad to have been there. Hyderabad, here I come.

Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: Goodbye nie to know you - Incubus



aloque | 19 Jul 2004, 2:53pm

You are definitely going to understand what I am talking about. You must. If you are reading this page I assume that you have grasped some fundamentals of working a mouse and have attended your quota of pre-school. If you do not understand the content to follow, then please try to master the fundamentals of working a remote (no pre-schooling required) and watch about 5 mins of any episode of Sex and the City. A formal introduction that says that you are going to have an idea about something that is yet to come must not lead to assumptions that I know what I am about to type in the next few lines. Mostly, I will be talking off the top of my head and a little out of my ass. And even I do not know what lurks in there sometimes.

I am talking about the human obsession for intercourse. Saying that word 'intercourse' might lead you to believe that henceforth follows a mature and meaningful discussion on the topic. Just to put things into the proper perspective, HaHa. Again, I still do not know what I am going to say further into the discussion. But, I am confident of the human race and will rest assured that a promise of further mention of sex will keep you going. Those who read that and have left the page, you will not have read this and this makes any insults a waste of my time and those who are continuing reading this, your time has already been wasted.

Inherent in the somesense that has been typed up above, and the undeniable fact that you are still here exemplifies the fact that we are indeed obsessed. But I have recently discovered, well actually confirmed, (the debate rages on whether personal validation is required to call popular opinion a discovery) that there broadly exist two distinct obsessions for sex. One is the pre sex obsession for sex, which manifests itself before the primary sexual encounter (the text book language still should not lead to assumptions that this is off the top off my head. This has all the makings of a vile sulphide bomb) (and if i have not lost you with innumerable strategically placed brackets, I will continue abruptly from where I left off) and make the average guy think about sex about 5,398 times in a day i.e all the time. This data should not lead to assumptions that extensive research has gone into the writing of this article. About seven minutes of typing without looking at the key board interspersed with 3 mins of hitting the backspace key and 3 yawns have gone into the writing of this article. (also just discovered that when randomly typing 4 numbers I give selective preference to 5 3 9 and 8 in that order). There is also the other variety of sexual obsessing, the post sexual encounter sexual obsessing, which manifests itself after the primary encounter, which makes the guy have sexual thoughts at all times except of course when having sex. I have been informed, as reliably as is possible, that options in thought during the actual encounter include reciting the ABC to and fro (Pre- schooling required) remembering the players of all the cricket teams in the world, thoughts about all the old naked women seen in the past 23 years, krishan kumar (well, no, no one should ever think of krishan kumar). After finishing that broad classification of sexual obsessing, we will go back to the top of the head for some pretence of normalcy.

Staying true to my identity I will now ask a few questions of myself. Of course, no one else is still reading this.

Q 1) YOU ARE???

Q 2) Is it true that it is impossible to be stimulted anymore by the time honoured pre sex sexual obsession aids such as soft porn when a person crosses the line over to post sex sexual obsessing?

Q 3) Do Harold Robbins' readers focus on the *gasp* story-line after the big thinggamagoo?

This post would not make any sense if there wasn't a BIG thank you in here for Adi, who has inspired me to this state of somesense.

Some after thoughts:

So, the word is out. A l o que is short for a lot of questions. So you thought that it would be something deeper than that. Well, genius sometimes misses the simple things, I say.

I have also been told that reading my page conjures up pictures of a fat, middle aged, lonely man who is trying hard to be nice to everyone in his perennial search for acceptance. Per cep tive.

Neuro has realized the immense responsibility he has as the last of the particans, and has now resolved to breathe fresh nicotine fumes and pour the rum and coke back into Hyderabad's lungs and veins. Bless you, man.

Most of the reasons that I have started this blog have been fulfilled, and I am thankful for that. And the biggest relief of all has been that I am past obsessing about it. Now, all I have to do is remain carefree and also reasonfree. Security has a tremendous way of allowing a person to do that. Another thing I have to do is get a thesaurus.



Current Mood: Wicked
Current Music: none


17th July 2004

aloque | 17 Jul 2004, 10:40pm

Cannot set my lonely heart free,

cannot fetter it in chains either.

It's bound to run amuck, you see,

I have my feelings to consider.

I love its escapades in secrecy,

once bland, now too much colour.

The senses hurt, now torment me,

but I welcome the ache, so tender.

Cannot count, the ways of my folly,

cannot resist, the sweet surrender.

Current Mood: Happy Indeed!
Current Music: mood should have been hopelessly happy


16th July 2004

aloque | 17 Jul 2004, 1:10am

Moments like this are rare. Just when I think life is settling into a monotone, it jumps out at me like Hobbes when Calvin returns home from school. Sure, I am going to get mauled but I love it.

Meeting an old friend, long walk in the park, pleasant conversation, laughing out aloud, taking my helmet off to ride the bike as the night breeze lifts my spirits, the smell of impending rain, bonding with my brother, chocolate chip ice cream. Seeing life from a perspective that I never would have. Kick me up the back side when I complain about my life.

Our mother is the darkness

we will live seeking light,

die as the light finds us.


Before we lose our wings

we will live happy as can be

die in the throes of pleasure


As our flights crash, smiles

will remain as pure, no cares

of unraveling life's mysteries.


Current Mood: Grand
Current Music: Aa bhi jaa - Sur


Wishful thinking

aloque | 14 Jul 2004, 8:32pm

to honour and obey

in sickness and in health

for better or for worse

till death do us part


They must be the most repeated and least meant words in the entire world. But, every single time I hear them, my heart skips a beat and I think that is what life is about. To find love and give it my all and then some more. So, I am a dreamer. I intend to continue dreaming till it happens. And then some more.


Current Mood: Mooney
Current Music: none


Words like violence

aloque | 12 Jul 2004, 6:02am

Here I am alive and breathing

inhale exhale inhale exhale

Here I am alone and unfeeling

drained from all of your tales.

Who am I fighting so hard?

When did I make these choices?

Is it you? Is it me? I am just tired.

All I hear now are empty voices

whose words are wounding deep,

Here I am, you are still unseen,

taunting, questioning. No escape.

Don't rape the silence that might heal,

here I am, shoot me where I stand

plunge your knives into my neck

Rat a tat rat a tat a tat and

don't leave me alive, thats a mistake.

Tear into my skin and look inside

but it still will not make me care,

New understanding you will not find,

my conscience is already bare

Current Mood: Irreverent
Current Music: none


10th July 2004

aloque | 11 Jul 2004, 12:35am

People. Are they capable of change? I mean, deep down inside, are we really capable of it? Day in and day out, we torment ourselves with thoughts of what we have become and what we might have been. Our thoughts might differ from day to day, our actions might surprise us moment to rare moment, but when it comes down to the basics, do the same things go into making us happy or sad? Satisfied of dissatisfied? Are we programmed to a certain way of living too early for us to recognise? And do we spend the rest of our lives denying who we are and attempting to be something more than we are capable of? Do we live lives that are pre destined not so much in regards to the actual events that occur in our lives, but in regards to the limitations within which we can react to those situations?

Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: none

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