6th July 2004

aloque | 6 Jul 2004, 1:20pm

Someone asked me if writing for an audience is bad. Well, not really. Many people make a good living off that. There are also many people that try to do that their entire life, unsuccessfully. Yet their regret remains that they weren't appreciated and not that they did not make enough money. There is absolutely nothing wrong with writing for an audience. But, there is something wrong in imposing expectations on the audience. Then there are bound to be disappointments. There are bound to be compromises in my own work. In an ideal world writing and appreciation should remain separate things, with appreciation following the writing, and the appreciatio should then be only a confirmation of self worth and not a definition of it. I mean, I cannot think of myself differently every time I post and receive comments that I like or do not.

That begs the question, who then is the audience that I want to impress? Is it FA, queen of the charts, who will not comment unless she can start off a witty repartee or make the comments a debate? Is it PMoW who has decided to form his opinions and stick to them at too early an age? Is it sweet Aran, who has nothing to say if it is not nice? Is it AR who says nothing at all in his morbid style most of the time? Is it DRP, whose brashness is inadequate cover for a mind that is capable of thought? Is it Mr. N who is a better writer than his endless conversations with the FH team might lead anyone to think? Is it the Princess, who I idolise as someone who follows her heart? Is it for the hundreds of others who read me but were uninspired to say anything at all? Is it me, bereft of any self esteem, not knowing what to think of what I wrote unless someone else tells me? Once that train of thought has left the station, the answer becomes a foregone conclusion. It has to be me. Now is the hard part. Writing and not caring about the consequences. It will happen sooner rather than later.

Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: none


5th July 2004

aloque | 6 Jul 2004, 9:21am

I really like helping people confront their fears. Being strong for someone else is easier than being strong for myself, and doing that in turn has always helped me be stronger when dealing with my own issues. There is a high in getting someone to get over the fears they thought they couldn't. Just as there is in facing up to my own shortcomings.

This day has been about that. This is the first I have felt comfortable about having taken Aloque off the public blogs. This is the first that I have seen myself for what I was, and felt strong enough to deal with it.

This is something I wrote about 8 years ago, but it has helped me each time I was afraid. Just put things into perspective...


I could feel the creepy chill

run up and down my spine

as I stood at the doorway to hell

the weakness of my mind.



He stood there in silent coldness,

face covered in mystic hood

and a silvery scythe in hand.

I ached to see beyond the darkness

but I saw only what he would

let my senses assess.


Life breaker, soul taker

devil's lover, great leveller,

Grim reaper.


Stepping back, ruled by fear,

I saw him grow in awesome stature

and I closed my eyes in desperation

to avoid the unbearable apparition,

as I waited for his scythe

to make that final strike.


The last bit of courage in

my surrendering soul

rebelled against instinct

and grew wings of its own,

coaxing me to open my eyes

take a deep breath, face that device.

Teling me it wasn't Death,

just my fear in all its depth.


I took a hesitant step forward,

watched his hood fly,

as he faltered

and I saw fear in unexpecting eyes.


Those small wings grew some more,

I felt courage begin to soar,

as I ran screaming towards my fear,

and laughed as he disappeared.

Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: none