Someplace I dont go often

aloque | 26 Jul 2004, 4:26pm

Life has been different lately. Good different. Different always makes way for new perspectives, new experiences and maybe new mistakes. That is good too. I am the kind of person that has had to make mistakes to learn whatever I have. I am kind of stupid and bullheaded that way. So, sometimes my demons become me and I am reduced to a cowering wimp. I just want to hide and all the carefully laid plans get chucked out of the window when the winds of change blow in and once again, although it seemed impossible yesterday, blow me in a new direction. But each time then, something happens that I did not expect, and something that seems totally appropriate, something even my own best plans could not have hatched on their own, and I remember Coelho and believe that the universe is contriving to make me a better person.

I guess the point of all of this is to accept change, open a small window in the glass cages I have carved around my heart, to be unafraid, to finally be able to feel my heart beat, instead of stopping within me when I talk about being brave, or when I dream about overcoming it, or I dare to hope that she can see beyond, knowing within that I do not have the courage to see beyond what I am, knowing that I will not let anyone close enough to see me the way I want to be seen. When will I be free of this? Find me before my fears leave behind my empty shell. I don't think I can ever be strong enough alone. Not even with Paulo and his infinite universe as my crutch.

Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: wish there was a pictur for my mood right now