Posted by D.Raw El Payne 27 August 2004, 12:47pm

This be the poster :D :D

MORE free publicity!! :p

Current Mood: Cheerful
Current Music: Lucky Ali - Kabhi aisa lagta hain

Posted by D.Raw El Payne 27 August 2004, 2:13am

'Tis been a while ain't it? Well, when you're a ghost driving down hell's highways thats what happens. You tend to get involved in the drive, in dying in the moment, again and again, reliving or redying those few moments again and again. You just love to see those images over n over, its like having your own lil DVD of your life, an interesting collection of images which obviously meant the most to you in that life. Actually, its a bit boring on this side, it maybe surreal as hell, but it is boring. To login into your virtual laptop everyday and just comment and nothing else, try to keep up that facade of coolness, all the while pining to post again. I had an immense urge to come outta my hiatus and post on death again, but that wud be a bit repetitive wouldn't it? And for all those visitors to this site who diligently keep me firmly entrenched in this fifth spot down here, I, as a ghost, feel that I should atleast make grand comebacks once in a while.

Tonight has been another one of those introspective nights, jus like all those nights by myself when I was alive. I spoke to people who questioned my very existence, by "existence" I mean, my mental side. Not mental mental, just that psychotic side of me. Not psychotic dammit, ah yes, the thinking side of me. 'twas the usual "am I who I portray myself to be" conversations, not just with one person but TWO. We dead dudes I tell you, we have too much time.

Ok, enough with the crap already. I didn't post cuz Payne here has been muchos muchos busy. Between hurrying from one conference hall to the other, dishing out "sponsor proposals" for one company or the other, chalking out POAs for THE day, making ideas, creating events, writing bombastic crap and designing. Ah, designing. Where would I be without my good ole pirated copy of Adobe Photoshop? Somewhere else, but heck its nice to ask arbit questions like that once in a while. But there's a limit to my "creative side" (my ass!..hahaha..that pun has so many levels!). So, here I am, all groggy eyed and typing when I oughta be hitting keyboard shortcuts and painting history in the making. Dammit.

Here's some publicity for drp==>> The next time you stop at the traffic lights at punjagutta circle, look up to your right (if you're coming from Somajiguda that is), right up there would be a 40ft by 20ft HOARDING done by D_r_P! :D Couldn't help it! Had to mention that! :D

Oh yeah. September 4th, CBIT. Be there. Live the moment (as such). Get your bums over here, we ARE in a shortage of bums.

To reiterate in redundancy, September 4th. Venue : CBIT, where the sun never sets. (adhe ento..)


Current Mood: Feeling Better
Current Music: Euphoria - Kuch nahin

Posted by D.Raw El Payne 17 August 2004, 12:00am

11:38PM, August 13th 2004. Payne's world.


It was a beautiful afternoon. The sky was a majestic shade of auburn. The sun wasn't completely out of hiding just as yet. One of those type of days when you really feel like clicking down the windows(powered) and enjoying the breeze against your face. No real point in turning on the a/c and shutting myself up in this heartless metal box. I say "breeze" only because I was cruising. It was, after all, a beautiful setting and I had every reason to live the moment for all it was worth. You know what they say, right? "Live everyday as if its your last, because one of these days it will be." Well, if all went to plan, this would be my last, so I guess I was justified for living the moment.

That morning, I had no idea life would take me down this very stretch of road, right after a week(of course I didn't, I wasn't some goddamn Nostradamus). Ah yes, the week. Now that I'm telling you -the world- , this, I may as well give an insight or atleast a glimpse into the events which've brought me spiralling down here. This road, another car(smaller), she'd always preferred the small cars. Always referred to the big SUVs as testostorene-oozing trucks, never really understood that, 'coz my mom drove a Chevy. Well, my mom,she's weird that way. Oh shit, I didn't mention who the "she" in the above sentence is. Does it matter? Yes. This is my fucking story and I wanna remember her one last time. Fair, yes that she was,not pale-fair like Suzanne Khan, no ,she was just about right. She had a long-face with ironically, a very small mouth. Ironic, only 'coz she liked to eat a lot but the size of her mouth betrayed her. Sure, she ate a lot, but she was one of those lucky people who never gained weight(Jughead types). People said she was awkwardly tall, to me she was divinely built. Just right, I would say...and then, those eyes. The eyes which had me lost in them, the eyes which helped me find myself again, the eyes which echoed her inner light..tch, I'm drifting here.

The cops had said she was drunk, "inebriated state" so to say. Maybe it was the night before, the argument in which so little had been said to each other, but so much assumed. Maybe it was all those nights leading upto that night. Maybe it was the fact that she didn't know I had taken the evening off to cook up dinner(atleast I tried to cook sometimes), candle-lit and all. It was supposed to be a surprise. Surprise? Sure as hell was. The cops said she must have died in the impact itself, said she wouldn't have felt the pain, it was a matter of moments, so they said. Dingy little car never did have any airbags, not that it'd have saved her. Hope is a cruel thing. The windows were pulled down, just like her. She never liked the a/c, always said it'd isolate her from the world outside....

It was beginning to get hot now. The clouds had given way and the sun was starting to make its presence felt. I still refrained from turning on the a/c. Living the moment I was. Plus, I was nearing the bend anyway... They said I was a good writer, but on this road to perdition I had no idea why I was so tongue-tied, why my thoughts were so incoherent, why I was so short of words in my own mind. At least, I knew why I was doing this, or did I? I knew I wanted to feel what she'd felt in that moment. To see what those breath-taking eyes had seen. No, that was not it. Morbid curiosity, perhaps? Bullshit. I could not live without her, I did not care what those eyes had seen, all I wanted was to look into them once more and have them look back at me. One more time. The bend approached, I was doing more speed than I should have been, but heck, when you are in an accident thats what you do. The break in the fence drew closer by the second. By the time I'd gone past it, I was living more "in the moment" then I'd ever been. A strange sense of weightlessness hit me as all the four wheels left the ground. Within nanoseconds, the car was plummeting down with all the grace of a guided missile. The rocky shale below seemed like it was rushing headlong towards me.

They say that your whole life passes by you in that last moment. Well it did, just like in that movie. My first conscious look at dad, my first day boarding the school bus waving at my mom through tearful eyes, my first crush, the trees on both sides on the way to college, the fight with the school bully, the finals of the state-playoffs, those nights spent dreaming of being a superhero, fleeting glimpses of faces throughtout my life -smiling,angry,crying,peaceful-, walking into college, seeing those eyes for the first time, that kiss behind our block, the sheer thrill of being on the road, graduation day, being on bended knee -with my heart drumming away- waiting for those words, "i do", our song, that wretched mangled piece of metal, those eyes with no life in them. A life which had given me reason to live, a life worth dying for? I blinked, one bead of sweat fell from my eyelid. Before it landed, gravity wrapped up the job. Darkness. The movie in my head had been abruptly halted. Eternal silence.

Me, myself and the road.

We are together all the while now, forever now. That sense of weightlessness courses through my veins. Apparently, killing yourself doesn't get you to the same place as dying accidentally. Those eyes continue to haunt me.




Current Mood: Worried
Current Music: Matchbox Twenty - If youre gone

Posted by D.Raw El Payne 10 August 2004, 7:30pm


I put in that line above only because ,for the life of me,I'm not able to come up with a line good enough to be displayed to the whole community on the front page. I'm back folks, the Payne is back,let the Jungle drums go dum-da-dada-dumma-dumm, let the tribals in their leaf-adorned crotches strike their gongs and dance in a wild frenzy. 'Coz ladies, gentlemen and tribals, I, D.Raw El Payne, has the power of internet again. The Dungeon of Pain has been one heckuva busy place in the past 3 days, no internet but a shitload of work to do.

This short yet crucial hiatus came at the right time, I guess. I mean, LOOK at my previous two posts!! Thats The Other Payne coming alive. Of course, it was only appropriate that The Other Payne speak in circumstances like those. As I said, the storm and the grey clouds in my mind have slowly subsided. The turbulent atmosphere up there is returning to the fiery sunshine of evil. Those horns on top of me head are starting to grow back (this does NOT mean I'm horny, just that lucifer's playground is alive and kicking once again). Ladies and gentleman, its time to fasten your seatbelts, thank you for staying with us. Though, I must admit it, the past week will stay etched in my head for a loong time to go, thats a good thing.

I'll tell you whats NOT a good thing. Coming back to the blogs after a while ,only to see that your hard-earned 5th spot has been snatched away from ya. If blog posts were like forum posts, Lily, you would be FH Goddess, but as they aren't you're just Silly Lily in my dictionary(not that I have a dictionary, its just a fucking phrase thats all, geez!). Among other things, the lady's got to the spot within 13 days. Two facts, the first : Congratulations. I did NOT know that these blogs were visited by so many peoples.  350+ hits per day, not too shabby. The second : 350+ hits per DAY?!! *ahem* You just mulavanabutthari in terms of hit-whoring. Congratulations yet again. Now onto Aran, dammit lady, you SO took the MPD post from RIGHT under my fat nose!! Dammit. And now who is this Malakpetmasala?! Dude,next time you realise that you have a word processor on your computer and that you've a stash of files on your harddisk... Here's some advice, read them , do NOT post them, keep them for posterity's sakes, read them again, think of them, THEN post them. One after the other, SLOWLY, with DEFINITE looong intervals.

But, but, BUT, this one of the few times when my arsenal of hatred and dissing-ery(?) seems inadequate. Its not because I'm outta ammunition but because the enemy(if there's someone like that) is just so good. Dammit. Goddamit. Jai, dude, u can write.

Onto next time then.

Fingers crossed for the internet.


PS : August 1st - 7th, 2004. That was some week.


Current Mood: Evil
Current Music: Various Artists - Tera mere pyar

Posted by D.Raw El Payne 07 August 2004, 12:39pm

August 7th.1:43AM. A sleepless night in Payne's world, a painful place.


I've learned a bit about the importance of life and a lot about me in the past twelve hours. Neuro's post on death was so well written, so beautifully phrased, so forceful and at the same time so, seemingly,"from the heart". What I've learnt in these past few hours is almost devastatingly shocking. I've learnt -rather realised - that I am very very inadept at expressing my feelings, that I'm atrocious at putting my heart out to cry itself out and get rid of a growing lump of depression in my heart. I type this here and now, wondering if my talking about something so personal as this, in a place so open for public ridicule is ,even barely, justified. If voicing my grief here has any use whatsoever. This is one of the other things I've learnt. The fact that I live my life so much for others that even the thoughts in my head are clouded by the question "if i say this, how would the outside world react?". As someone said, I guess it is a depressing thing to wake up one fine night and realise that, for 21 years, you never had a reality of your own. Just a charade played out to such perfection that a million different people have a million different opinions about the real me. To such an extent, that even the thoughts in my head are influenced by this "public eye".

Before I get to the part of my enlightenment about myself, lets talk Life. The irony of this world is that we never understand good or bad, till we see a measure of each other, till we experience both. Only then do we comprehend the importance of each. Life, seemingly taken for granted by so many of us, passes us all by while we're busy existing. Life, so important and so very easy to overlook. So easy to see murders and suicides and dismiss them in a indifferent manner. My god, life is SO precious. Even half a life, yes. Nothing, nothing justifies taking one's life. Whether its brought about by your own hands or another's. Life, passing me by so quickly. I thank God for this moment here, though I also can't help but beg and plead as to why He chose to make me realise these facts through such an experience.

Ok, here goes. I experienced death today. Abrupt, without warning. The death of a friend. There, I've said it. Still wondering if doing this is the right thing. I wish I'd seen them once more, one glimpse more, just one fucking moment. I saw people cry today, breakdown completely. I saw them and felt pangs of sorrow course through my soul. I saw them and my heart reached out to them. I saw them, thats all. I did not cry. These tears, I never really understood their importance till that moment. Its been twelve hours since, I've been on the verge twice, but never really took that final step. I wonder if its a conscious effort. I wonder if my conscious being has dominated to a place where rationality ,plain old cold-heartedness have completely erased the need for open sorrow to exist. Is this my fate? My sorrow caged in a cell, whose keys are held by the seemingly relentless obstinacy of thought? A cage whose weight increases every second because of the rising weight of its prisoner... Questions and words simply not willing to let my heart take its course.

In these past few hours, I've tried escaping these thoughts by meeting people who are very disconnected to this. By being the usual funny-guy. Can't help feeling that I chickened out. But reality is a cool shindig, its brought me full-circle here to this time here. This time now ,when realisation is a sweet thing, when I face my sorrow as it stands. When my rational mind is struggling to muster up the courage to open that cage.



August 7th,1:22PM. Dungeon of Pain

The above text was typed last night. My internet was down all night.


Current Mood: Gloomy
Current Music: OST of Philadelphia - Streets of Philadelphia

Posted by D.Raw El Payne 03 August 2004, 3:52pm

August 2nd, 1:00PM. A lonely place.


Bin tere sanam
mar mittenge hum
aa meri zindagi

aaaah aana hii pada sajana
zaalim hain dil ki lagi...

another great cloudy afternoon sky in what is turning out to be the most beautiful monsoon in a while. the cool breeze brushin against my face, a hint of thunder among the peace (duh..its gonna rain)..rows of books, a myriad of words floating around me and in my mind. the words that are strugglin to break through the barrier of my hesitance and reluctance to let my heart win over my mind, to let my feelings prevail over commonsense(?).

the trusty QJam at CCD loads up the usual hindi-remixes, songs i abhor with every livin breath of mine. i look out through the glass walls at the sky , can't help thinkin if it ain't nearly picture perfect. but this is all besides the point, innit? i'm lookin at things which have stood the test of eternity, while in front of me is the face which i wish could stare at for eternity(whoa!). d QJam rewinds and loops..same song yet again..and again. for a whole fuckin hour. too much whipped cream on my Tropical Temptation. ... out of CCD and into the inviting arms of gloom. the atmosphere a sublime backdrop. a picture etched in my brain for forever now,  a goodbye to cherish, one song loopin incessantly in my mind's jukebox.

the sky goes from cloudy to dark grey. almost picture perfect innit? raindrops happily plop onto my windscreen, gatherin and runnin down , formin longs rivulets along the windshield, kinda like the streams of loneliness gushin through my system. (why aren't the goddam wipers working?)

goddam song jus won't go out of my head...goddamit. 

... yeh jaan kar balamjii
thaami hain teri baahe
sehni padengi sabki kaanto bhari nigahe

sab sehenge hum
aur hasenge hum
aa meri zindagi

la la la aana hii pada sajana....




the above text is a gross exaggeration of the truth...or something like it.

PS : with due apologies to Pye, FA and all the other wonderfully composed posts inspired by the weather. (Raindance by Pye and Pictures & Forever in the Rain by FA) am totally sorry for writing yet another "raindrops-are-falling-on-my-head" post, can't help it. :D



Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: DJ Suketu - Bin tere sanam (downloaded using Areslite)