August 7th.1:43AM. A sleepless night in Payne's world, a painful place.


I've learned a bit about the importance of life and a lot about me in the past twelve hours. Neuro's post on death was so well written, so beautifully phrased, so forceful and at the same time so, seemingly,"from the heart". What I've learnt in these past few hours is almost devastatingly shocking. I've learnt -rather realised - that I am very very inadept at expressing my feelings, that I'm atrocious at putting my heart out to cry itself out and get rid of a growing lump of depression in my heart. I type this here and now, wondering if my talking about something so personal as this, in a place so open for public ridicule is ,even barely, justified. If voicing my grief here has any use whatsoever. This is one of the other things I've learnt. The fact that I live my life so much for others that even the thoughts in my head are clouded by the question "if i say this, how would the outside world react?". As someone said, I guess it is a depressing thing to wake up one fine night and realise that, for 21 years, you never had a reality of your own. Just a charade played out to such perfection that a million different people have a million different opinions about the real me. To such an extent, that even the thoughts in my head are influenced by this "public eye".

Before I get to the part of my enlightenment about myself, lets talk Life. The irony of this world is that we never understand good or bad, till we see a measure of each other, till we experience both. Only then do we comprehend the importance of each. Life, seemingly taken for granted by so many of us, passes us all by while we're busy existing. Life, so important and so very easy to overlook. So easy to see murders and suicides and dismiss them in a indifferent manner. My god, life is SO precious. Even half a life, yes. Nothing, nothing justifies taking one's life. Whether its brought about by your own hands or another's. Life, passing me by so quickly. I thank God for this moment here, though I also can't help but beg and plead as to why He chose to make me realise these facts through such an experience.

Ok, here goes. I experienced death today. Abrupt, without warning. The death of a friend. There, I've said it. Still wondering if doing this is the right thing. I wish I'd seen them once more, one glimpse more, just one fucking moment. I saw people cry today, breakdown completely. I saw them and felt pangs of sorrow course through my soul. I saw them and my heart reached out to them. I saw them, thats all. I did not cry. These tears, I never really understood their importance till that moment. Its been twelve hours since, I've been on the verge twice, but never really took that final step. I wonder if its a conscious effort. I wonder if my conscious being has dominated to a place where rationality ,plain old cold-heartedness have completely erased the need for open sorrow to exist. Is this my fate? My sorrow caged in a cell, whose keys are held by the seemingly relentless obstinacy of thought? A cage whose weight increases every second because of the rising weight of its prisoner... Questions and words simply not willing to let my heart take its course.

In these past few hours, I've tried escaping these thoughts by meeting people who are very disconnected to this. By being the usual funny-guy. Can't help feeling that I chickened out. But reality is a cool shindig, its brought me full-circle here to this time here. This time now ,when realisation is a sweet thing, when I face my sorrow as it stands. When my rational mind is struggling to muster up the courage to open that cage.



August 7th,1:22PM. Dungeon of Pain

The above text was typed last night. My internet was down all night.


Current Mood: Gloomy
Current Music: OST of Philadelphia - Streets of Philadelphia