aloque | 23 Sep 2004, 1:03pm

I always thought myself to be cold-hearted and callous when my grandparents or aunts and uncles reprimanded me for forgetting to call them up once in a while and then regale me with stories of their magnanimity. They tell me how much they had taken care of me when I was a defenseless waif whose parents were too busy pursuing their careers when I was born. And implied in the nostalgic reverie is an enormously huge guilt trip. It always worked on me and I always felt like an unfeeling brute. Try as I might, the best I could do was offer them my respect during my short and infrequent encounters with them. No amount of persuasion ever got me to call them. I thought a couple of times that I could do it just to make them happy, or to get them off my back for at least a little while, but I felt so horrible. I figured I'd rather be just cold than be cold AND hypocritical.

My family is just as screwed up as any other family. We have our little issues and our prejudices. I have never been affected much by anything they have said or done in their lives, except maybe laugh or sigh, listening to their craziness, over a evening cuppa tea in the native town during vacation. And I never felt like I belonged. I couldn't relate to their wish for my involvement in family matters, especially since I am the oldest of my generation in the family. Today I realised as I was talking to K that it was for the best that I had kept my distance.
Family needs to be judged just as any other stranger is before letting them into out lives, maybe even more closely. Blood is thicker than water, or so goes the famous saying. What exactly is the water that was being talked about? It surely isn't friendship, or love. Maybe family is equated to blood because we cannot live without feeding on some of it every now and then.

Its such a pity that one cannot choose one's family. We are stuck with one another for life and each person of the family will have some kind of obligation to the other members, irrespective of their preference. I suppose that is an unwritten rule. But then that is not so bad when everyone adheres to it. It might even be nice. There are, however, those people who understand this obligation and use it against us and these are the worst kind of people in my opinion. I would prefer being stabbed in my privates by a stranger than be stabbed in my back by someone I know. Its when our family are snakes in disguise waiting for an opportunity to strike, that I feel glad that I have always chosen friendship over family ties. That isn't to say that I have chosen my friends over my family. What I mean, is that the only family that I consider myself a relation to are those that I have made friends with. The rest can go suck a dinosaur's egg. I already have a phone bill I cannot afford. So fuck off and leave me alone.

Current Mood: Dismissive
Current Music: none