I hope I never had to go thru all of these!!
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 26 February 2005, 6:45am
- Awkward Situations.. Do you ever start out whispering to someone, like in the library or in the class or in a movie hall for example, and then realize that there's so much background noise that you have to start doing a "yell-whisper" just so the other person can hear you? And then at some point, one of you decides to "break the whisper" and talk normally. Then you both feel like idiots for having whispered for so long, so you make awkward jokes about why the hell you were whispering. - College days.. In your college days have you ever gotten an exam or paper back from a professor and it has one grade crossed out or scribbled through and another grade written next to it? What the hell is that?! So then it's like "What the hell happened HERE? Was the other one higher or lower? Hey, is that an "A" under the scribbling?? It better NOT be!!" And what on earth would make a professor write one grade and then suddenly decide to change it?! From now on, I'm going to impose the "once you pick up your pen, you can't take it back" rule. Right after I impose the "A for effort" rule. - Domestic Issues.. When we changed our apartment recently, we fired the cook who made lunch and dinner for our fraternity because she made shitty food. What we didn't take into consideration is that leaving hunger decision-making to a group of 6 fraternity guys (Yes, we were 8 when WTC happened!!) is not exactly a practical move. Our food budget was promptly spent on a two-week supply of pizzas and Top Ramen Noodles. That's two weeks in real-person eating terms. Placing a mountain of anything remotely tasty in front of a large group of hungry nomads is like asking a pack of rabid wild wolves to share a piece of flesh and put the leftovers back in the refrigerator for tomorrow. It just doesn't happen (unless the wolves were particularly full from an earlier meal and there happened to be a wild refrigerator around). - Back to Awkward Situations.. Sneezing in public can be a complicated situation. First, there's the question of what to do if somebody sneezes once and nobody says "God bless you". Usually, you either feel like an asshole for expecting someone else to do it, or you just pretend like you didn't hear it or you're not religious or something. If the person sneezes twice, though, somebody has to say it. If there's a third sneeze, someone has to make the "Gosh, are you OK?!" joke. But then, when someone sneezes four times, it's like "What the heck, I'm not going to say fucking bless you again! You've got your sympathy, now shut up!!" Not to mention the fact that quadruple-sneezes are highly dangerous. - Failed Hookup Quote I saw this guy dancing all night with a girl he met during our boss' birthday party: While we were about to wind up he says: "I couldn't think of anything better than to take you home with me tonight, nor would I think of anything more." I'm not sure if this is the guy being hopelessly romantic or just hopelessly ambiguous. - How I wish.. I always hate it when people ask me to borrow a pen. No matter how hard I tell myself to remember to get it back, it never happens. Basically, when someone asks me to borrow a pen now, I comply with "Damn You %^$#()@#*%! That's the fifth time I've been hit today! Could you give us a few moments alone first?" - Another wish... I think as long as everyone else is getting a cell phone, my cell phone should also get one too. Those ringers just aren't good enough anymore because the beeping sound is usually muffled by a 4-foot pile of clothes and other junk that I kept accumulating all the way. I actually need to CALL my cell phone and ask it where the hell it's hiding in my room. Of course, I'd have to borrow the phone from someone else; just to call it and ask where it is, so maybe it's pointless. But wouldn't it be funny if you called it one time and got it's voice mail? "Hi, you've reached your cell phone. Please leave a message and I'll call you back on myself. Hahahaha!! You'll never find me!" Sometimes my friends will say something to me that starts with either "Don't let me forget to..." or "remind me to...". These are absolutely the two most worthless phrases in everyday conversation. If my brain had any additional capacity to remember extra information, it would certainly start with more important things like going to office in time or how much I've to pay to my ever-growing credit card debt, not helping other people with daily tasks. - Girlfriend Guys... Everybody knows at least one "girlfriend guy." These are the guys who you could introduce to your friends and just go ahead and introduce their girlfriend too, even if she's not around. These guys will almost always speak in terms of their girlfriend, even when not prompted to. Like this one time I casually made conversation by asking this guy what he was up to and he said, "Well, my girlfriend hasn't called me back yet, so I'm not sure." What the hell are you supposed to say to that?! It's like, "Oh, Well, let her know I called, and maybe we can finish the conversation when she gets back to you" Meanwhile you hope in despair to meet someone who didn't forget to pick up their social skills from their girlfriend's bedroom. - Names...More Names... While in your college have you ever met someone from class and become pretty good "campus friends" only to find out that after you are out of college (like 3 months afterwards) that neither of you knows the other person's name? At that point, it's too late for either one of you to ask, so you have to have this special friendship where no sentence requires the use of each other's name. And any time it appears a third party is about to enter the conversation, you have to say "Ok, well, I have to get going man" because heaven forbid the weirdness of your special friendship should be exposed by having to do an introduction. Speaking of not knowing names, don't you hate it when people you meet at your work will find out which college are you from and then start asking you if you know certain people from your college? They'll get all excited and shit like, "Oooohh, ooohh, do you know [someone you don't know, have probably never seen, and will never care about]?!! Actually, he's a fresher, so you wouldn't know him, but what about [someone who's in your batch, but you obviously still don't know]?!!" I'm like, "No, I've never heard of them, but maybe if you ask me about another one of the 2,500 people at my college I'll get really annoyed and start asking you if you know this one guy in my college who's name I still can't figure out."
Current Mood: Itching For One
Current Music: Im still alive!
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A Phrase Im Tired Of Already
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 22 February 2005, 8:21pm
I hope you're all set and ready for another trip down 'Memory Lane', geographically located two blocks down the 'Know Your Role' Lane. Did you get it? That's what the WWF Superstar "The Rock" used to say before they got royally sued by the World Wildlife Federation and had to change their name to the WWE and totally sold out.
It's funny because it references the past!
The past...
-Back then, I used the word "ironic" all the time, even when it was clearly the wrong word to use. I'd say shit like, "Ironically, I was late today." And, "Ironically, I like butterscotch." Now I never use the word, because I don't really understand it and I'm pretty sure every usage is incorrect. It's all because of that goddamn song! Whenever life goes sour, I blame Alanis [Alanis Morissette].
-Back then, my favorite singer of all time was George Michael. Then someone told me that he was a gay, so now I'm not allowed to like him or HIS SONGS, because let's face it, I'm all man. I don't like the fact that homosexuals can just co-opt a song or a movie or any artwork and make it gay in the process. Where does it stop?
-Back then, I couldn't fathom how someone could become a stalker. Did they just wake up one morning and buy a telescope and a lawn chair so they could be more comfortable sitting in the shrubbery outside someone's bathroom window? Also, is there even one stalker story that ended well? Like, "I watched her sleep every night for three months, and now we're married!" Has that ever happened? Okay, that didn't really have anything to do with "back then..." but I really needed to let that out.
-Back then, I was really good at video games. I could play Mario without falling into the bottomless chasm of infinity OR accidentally touching a Goomba. No longer. If I try to play a video game now, the little man I'm controlling kills himself within three seconds of the start of the game. If he cannot find a molten lava pit to jump into, sometimes my little man brings along some virtual cyanide capsules just to be sure that I never get farther in any video game than the part that asks you to enter your name (I call myself "Alwayz Great").
-Back then, I used to actually BUY things. Like if a CD came out from a band I liked, I would go to the store and pay actual money I stole out of somewhere in exchange for music, rather than just getting it for free on the Internet. Or if there was a movie coming out on video, I would go all the way over to the shop and pay them for the privilege of watching the movie instead of just sitting at my computer and downloading it and then, 876 hours later, watching some German woman have sex with a Donkey in a grainy AVI file mistakenly labeled "The Incredibles." All that seems so silly now.
-Back then, my friends and I could keep each other entertained for hours just by spitting or hitting each other. Now we have Satellite TV, three video game cube systems (all of which I suck at), cars, and an almost unlimited supply of money, and still the number one phrase all of us always use is: "I'm bored, what do you want to do now?" Also, I can no longer answer anybody by spitting (or hitting) at them without getting my ass kicked.
-Back then, I was told by parents, teachers, and obese social workers that I should stay away from drugs and alcohol because if I didn't my life would spiral into a pit of round spirals and I would never make it anywhere in my career. Now where I'm, and the only lesson I've retained is that grown-ups are dirty liars.
-Back then, I hated cartoon network. All of the characters spoke too slowly and had really odd-shaped lips. Some things never change...
Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: Back in the Day - Erykah Badu
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A little Comedy for the Broken-Hearted!
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 20 February 2005, 5:23am
I guess it's a funny thing, really it is. Everyting that I hear,read and watch about Valentine's Day is either from the most cynical perspective or about a gross dissapproval about the whole concept. The only things I've ever read or seen about this holiday (thru all the news and the media in this country) is how shitty it is, and how it makes single people feel like crap, and how Hallmark invented it and so on. Why do you think it is like that? Why is it that the day of meant for celebrating love recieves the most hatred (and criticism) among all of our 'days' including those "dust-bin invention days".
I have a theory on this, much like those I've, on every concievable thing known to mankind, no matter how little I know about it! People in a relationship generally don't write about Valentine's Day; they're too busy having sex. That pretty much leaves a bitter me, to write this heavily depressing prose on the subject of 'St. Valentine'. This post realy isn't any different. So, if you're tired of reading about how much Valentine's Day bites, just turn off your computer RIGHT NOW and go back to eating your favorite ice-cream or get back in front of the 'magic box' and search fervently for another gossip(oops! I should have said 'chat') show.
If you are still with me....here's what happens:-
-Nobody wants to be alone on Valentine's Day. Of course, that statement implies that there are other days of the year where people would prefer to be alone, and I'm at a loss as to which days those might be. Martyrs Day, maybe?
-No, nobody wants to be alone no matter what day it is, and Valentine's Day is no exception. The only difference is, February 14th is the only day of the year when you're reminded of just how alone you really are, and how you're actually a pretty big loser and you never knew your best friend. It's probably best not to dwell on these feelings of resentment and woe, though, since that's exactly the type of thinking that leads to being lonely.
-February 14th has attached itself to the fascinating statistic that more people get married AND commit suicide on that day than any other. I think that's sad. Because whether he gets hitched or offs himself, that person will probably never speak to me again. And I'm pretty sure he owes me money.
-Quote of the Moment: I'm walking through Lifestyles 'alone', and as I stroll past the Valentine's flowers and card aisles and I hear someone saying: "I hate how this holiday has gotten so shallow and commercial." I fully agree. Things were so much better when those valentine toys I used to get would actually MEAN something. ("Toys-Kemp Wishes You a Happy Valentine's Day. Batteries Sold Separately.")
-Some people celebrate Valentine's Day. Not me, though. I celebrate "You're All Idiots" Day. That's the day after Valentine's Day, when all the cards and flowers are on 60% off-sale (I can hear me bitching..it sounds nice, at times).
-You ever see those guys in bars and restaurants who go around from table to table or person to person selling flowers? What the hell is up with this? It's always some wilted rose that they guilt you into spending 50 bucks on to impress the girl you've taken out on a date so she doesn't go home with somebody else. Who the hell are you worried she's going to go home with? The flower seller? Honestly Guys: Just say "no" to those wilted flowers from panhandlers in bars. Go buy a pair of new jeans or something.
-Every year, around this time, the newspapers are filled with articles like "The 10 most romantic songs of all time." But they never really go back in time far enough to count them as "all time", in my humble opinion. I've never seen a song on these lists that predates to the 70s. I'm sure in the times of ancient Babylonia, Mr. Judas had some pretty sexy and romantic beats. And what about sonnets? I think a good sonnet is pretty romantic, or at least it probably was in the year 1471; long before Celine's grandfather met her grandmother!!
-I think guys take Valentine's Day seriously only because girls do. And girls take it WAY too seriously. Ask any girl who's in a relationship what her plans for the big day are, and she'll invariably answer something like "We're going to dinner at 'The Overpriced Mexican' and then we're taking a long walk on the beach. Now try getting any guy to admit he actually wants to spend a fortune on dinner (plus 50 bucks on the flower guy) and then walk around until his sneakers are full of sand and dead prawns instead of staying home in his underpants and watching ESPN-STAR. But every guy in the world will go along with his girlfriend's neurotic whims, because he knows in the back of his mind that if he does, there's an eighty-twenty chance that they'll get home and she'll agree to watch SportsLine in HER underpants.
-Off-Topic: Did you know mattresses come in model years? Like cars? I had no idea till I saw it juss now!. It seems like everything comes in model years these days, although I can't honestly say I've ever been over to somebody's house and been ushered into a bedroom where they point to the bed and say "See this? 'Curl-on Felxi Proof'. 2004, baby!" Maybe someday buying a new bed will be exactly like buying a new car. ("Alright, now for the 2003 model I'm willing to give you half the sticker price plus my old bed. But I'll have to take it for a test sleep first. We'll talk in the morning.")Hmmm...Interesting!
-I seriously think there should be a day of the year where singles around the world celebrate the joys of being a proud single. You know, just to keep things even. I just don't think it's fair that couples get a day and singles don't. I'd wake up in the morning, make myself a breakfast in bed, then I'd give myself the card and flowers I had bought for me. I'd take myself out to a nice dinner, buy a flower from the same flower guy, and then walk by myself along the beach on the way home. Then I'd watch SportsLine in my underpants and cry myself to sleep. I'm not sure what the ideal day for this would be, though. Maybe Martyrs Day?
Current Mood: Grand
Current Music: Hmm..Im thinking!
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I realize every year...Im not perfect!
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 4 February 2005, 10:16pm
God, I tell you, it was hard, really really hard, to type that with a straight face. Still, every year I devote my energies to being a better son, writer, brother, friend, driver, neighbor and so on... And 2005 will be no different. So, without further ado (and mostly because I hate writing introductory paragraphs..I wonder why people read 'em) I'll get into my resolutions for 2005.
...Sounds like a whisper...
*I will stop listening to the 'new breed' techno Indi pop songs. Seriously though, can we stop them before they release another album? That "Mere Piya Gaye Rangoon..." song is without a doubt, the single worst song I've ever heard. I quit...I've had it.
*I'm going to put an over-sized dent in the forehead of people who continue to tell me what a brilliant movie "Oceans Twelve" is. It's bloody not. I watched it. It sucked.
*I will stop making that face when people tell me; they want to do an MBA. You know the face. The same face you make when someone tells you they dropped out of high school.
*I will never play Super Selector ever again. For those who didn't know, one of my friends won it this time around. A girl. You should have seen the other guys there... You'd think we had just been through a terrorist attack. I'm not even joking. I'm questioning my faith in God even as we speak.
*I will adopt a dog, name it George Bush, and show him my 'prick' neighbour's house and whisper into his ears.. "Iraq; Iraq"... and hope in despair that symbolism might take its own course!
*I will stop referring to F1 as "Michael and some other assholes."
*I will support the campaign for Sonia Gandhi next time too, and hope Adolph Hitler comes back from the buried and runs against her, just so that I don't feel like there is lack of competition.
*I will stop running up to the American people around and scream: "Look! Here comes another tsunami! Flee Flee..."
*I will stop making pathetic jokes in the absolute worse taste. Even though I bet you laughed at the previous one.
*I will try to get in touch with my feminine side (and then feel its boobs..)
*I will start getting my blogs in - on time.
*I will tell gross lies about the punctuality of my blogs...
*I will...
...Will you?
Happy New Year, to everybody. And many more, or something.
Until my next bout of incorrigible madness and profound boredom, have a nice day.
Current Mood: Heroic
Current Music: Dont you know they are talking bout my resolutions...it sounds like a whisper...
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