You Drive me Crazy...
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 24 March 2005, 2:54pm
Half the population can't drive.
Seriously, I even wonder whether it's an epidemic. Too many people in this country cannot drive. And yet they continue to drive. The Government keeps issuing them licenses, and insurance companies keep cleaning the mess up. When you think about it, auto insurance companies are quite brilliant. They're basically profiting from stupidity. And if there's one commodity in India that's guaranteed to be always in supply, in abundance, it's stupidity.
I don't have a problem with it, but people really show their idiot mettle on the road. Allow me an anecdote here. I was driving from my home to my work. According to human calculations and it's a 45 minute drive. To be at work by 11am, I left at 9.45am, giving me an extra 30 minutes of leeway, and taking "traffic" into account.
Now.
When I say "taking traffic into account," I mean like if a truck full of pigs tips over into another truck full of chicken, and state police has to come by to figure it all out. But real traffic often gets all too confused with idiots who have never known what an indicator is, which lane to be in, where to take turn and where not to, or have any concept of speed control.
I can't bear children. Women can't drive. Nobody's perfect. Accept it.
Anyway, I didn't get to work until 11.20am. There was traffic all the way through, all right, but no pigs, no chicken. Nothing. Just stupidity. Though I did close to 80kmph at times (and 'am considered to be an expert at hobbin' and weavin'). Regardless, I was late, and my boss didn't accept "Fucking assholes on the road" as an excuse for tardiness.
But, as always I am the one for ideas. So I've compiled a list of "main road vermin" who need to get off our city roads and highways.
Unacceptable Drivers:
1. Women. This isn't meant to be funny. And this isn't meant to be all cute and sexist. Women cannot drive. I know a lot of women. None of them, except one, can drive (I keep telling her, exceptions prove the rule!). They have no concept of speed control. No concept of moving over, picking a lane, or making it through lights without creating a havoc for people behind. I know a lot of women reading this are getting their vocabulary skill horned up. Quit Driving. I can't bear children. You can't drive. Nobody's perfect. Accept it.
2. Old people. I've had it up to here with old people. They think they run the supermarket. They cannot cannot drive. In particular those short old women who can't see over the wheel (old and female-double whammy!) l!
3. Immigrants packed in a car / jeep / truck from the adjacent village on a major sight seeing spree across the city. Don't you just hate this? 97 members of the village head family just made it across the border, have some goofy flag draped across, chickens, cows and all the households tied to the roof, and they are all doing about 7 kmph down the busy main road at 10am.
4. Anyone driving a lamberrta or a Premier Padmini. If I have to explain this, you probably can't read anyway.
5. Auto-Ricks. Self-Explanatory..The most unfortunate invention ever!
6. Seven-Seaters: Ugh, the incestual cousin of the auto-rick, equally, or may be more harmful for a normal driver!
7. Families. For the record, despite the fact Dad is probably driving, I don't blame him. You got 'Mom' in the passenger side trying to navigate with all the composure of Muhammad Ali in a Jenga competition, and you got the 2.5 children in the backseat yelling, hitting each other, throwing things. Dad's just trying to maintain speed so he doesn't lose his damn mind and veer into a wall, just for some peace. I say we should make all family vacations illegal. The poor Dad has to work 60 hours a week, and put up with this on his long weekend? How is this any worse than raping someone?
Now, some people I don't mind on the road.
Acceptable Drivers
1. Men. You knew that already.
2. Teenagers. A lot of people hate teen drivers. I've got no problem with them. They drive fast. They don't think before acting (hence making traffic move very smoothly).
3. Drunk drivers. Here we go. Cue "A drunk driver killed my best friend, boo hoo!" I love drunk drivers. I am fully supportive of getting sloshed and driving down the highway. First of all, we need a little excitement in our lives. Second, everything is made exponentially more entertaining with the inclusion of alcohol, especially driving. And driving drunk is fun anyway. Come on, who doesn't love a challenge?
That's about it, and since I don't have any grandiose way to end things, here are some lyrics you might enjoy:
"Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need commission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative...."
Current Mood: Crude
Current Music: I really really want you to see me..So baby dont trun off the lights :-)
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Trrriiinnnngggg....Trrriiinnnngggg..Helloo??
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 4 March 2005, 8:46pm
In every group of friends, there is always one cell phone hater. Someone who has despised cell phones with all his might since the day of their cursed, most shittily-manufactured, highly overpriced and more-trouble-than-it's-worth inception. That person is not me. I swear!
Inevitably, this person also has a cell phone. Now I guess I've to admit that I am this person that we are discussing about. I, of course do own one of those little ringing bastards, that promises 'Connecting People'; but trust me they often do a better job of disconnecting people. At most times; I am a walking analogy for every group of friends. But I don't consider this hypocrisy for two reasons. One, there are a lot of products I despise & scorn but still use anyways; one-ply toilet paper, dryers, automatically flushing sinks, women, unflushed urinals...just to name a few of them & the list goes on! And two, I have successfully convinced myself that a cell phone is just another cordless phone with an infinite range. Ok..fine, I'm might just have appeared to be a highly imaginative misogynist with a pungent distaste for public restrooms. But the point is, why do I yearn for a phone with a camera? (How...ironic.)
Who, on earth, decides what should be the latest feature for every brand's latest phone anyway? Is it the same asshole who decided that boot-cut black jeans will be back in style, causing me to buy a couple of them in the off season sale when faded dirt stains were also back in swing? Because that person still owes me a personal apology from 2001. Mainly because black jeans do not hold on to dirt stains easily, and also because I now have several 256-pixel-resolution embarrassing moments caught on more than ten different phone cameras and e-mailed to at least 25 address books by now. I particularly resent the one where I looked like an alien in the middle of a crowded hotel elevator. I mean seriously, those kinds of pictures need a caption. Who's with me on this one? A couple of 'address books raise their hands'?!?!? Damn all of you, especially those of you with Gmail accounts capable of holding my entire embarrassing camera phone collection.
I'm already struggling to think of the latest new feature that got added on a phone before the ambiguously-functional antenna.... Was it the multi-color screen display that cuts battery life in half essentially confining your phone to the wall (worthless)? Or the digital-glowing analog clock? Perhaps it was the combination of the two, where the digital-glowing analog clock with permanent backlight display drains enough battery to turn your phone into a wall clock requiring an AC adaptor connected to it all the time. Either way, it's enough to make me keep shopping around to find a phone that actually has both of these features, plus a 256-pixel camera, a purported built-in antenna, and the ability to leave my home/car for three hours without needing to recharge. Oh, and of course, they have to 'PROMISE' me that they will let me wait 'TWO FULL YEARS' (at least) before I can upgrade to one additional useless feature without paying more than a new Ford Fusion+, incidentally also known as "regular price."
Of course, I am partly to blame for almost all of the physical deformations and technological dysfunctionalities that have plagued my cell phones over the years. I have combed the Nokia website many times and never found a place where it advises dropping their NOKIA 2210 into a glass of hot milk while watching Schuey kick some ass at N
Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: Original Prankster - OffSpring
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