Like Duh!!!

Posted by Dude of Wellington | 30 Jun 2005, 10:06am

Dudets and members of the unfairer sex(dudes) if u thought the above title thingy meant "dude the dude has the wrong shoe on his right foot" u are dead-on my friend. Anyways a few weeks ago my right foot or my left shoe ,who-ever was the cause of the problem was giving me a real crappy time.

The shit went down like so........
Event 1: ma niggas place(The origin of the affliction)
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Nigga: Dude come on hurry up we gotta catch the beginnin of the movie...
Dude(me): Wait up dude i gotta put my shoes on....
Nigga: We'r running 5 mins late and u have to put on ur dumbass strappy sandals on!
Dude:Oh yeah well ur nike shoes are dumbasses too(read as a failed attempt at an insult
to his shoes)
Nigga: Come on hussle up.
Dude: Im done(and something felt weird)
Nigga: Why r u walking all strange n stuff.
Dude: (looking down at my feet) shit i have my left shoe on the right foot.
Nigga: F***ing dumb**** u elephant's ****, U unbelievabale nimcampoop.
Dude: hehehehehehehehe u said elephant's ****.


Event (2-264): Ma tour o the houses to invite ppl to ma cous's weddin
---------------------------------------------------------------------
House dude 1: Duuuudes wassup with yo dad(but much more formal in nature)?
House dudet 1: Wasssup with ur mom?
Juniour House Dude 1: Wassup dude?
Dude: Im fine wassup with ur sis man(prospective girl friend A.K.A Juniour House Dudet 1)
House **** 1(everyone): Get out of the f***ing house.
Dude: (So i throw the invitation card in thier face and we (me and my nigga) start to run (well we planned with the how's ur sis question that we'd be touring much more houses 10 times as fast as the other teams))
Nigga: Dude hussle up they're comin with a weird looking stick thingy with weird looking crap on the end and a definitely weird looking expression on their face.
Dude: Yeah im just getting done with my shoes.
Nigga: hurry man they're almost on top of us.
Dude: shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!!!!!!!
Nigga: What?!
Dude: Right foot wrong shoe!
Nigga: No! AAAAAh! It was'nt my idea stop hitting me, AAAAAh! that damn thing really hurts Ouch!(sort o a girly shout) It was all his idea AAAAAh! no no not there....AAAAAAAAA!

.......
.......
.......
.......

After 264 houses and one badly bruised set of balls later ma nigga collapsed from the all the beatings and we had to call it a day.

Then i felt something was seriously wrong with either my left shoe or my right foot. Then i suddenly realized it might be "Alien limb syndrome" and shuddered. "Alien limb syndrome" is where ur limbs do crap that u never wanted them to do. I was suddenly preoccupied with the overwhelming thought of my own right leg trying to kick me in the balls. It was too much to take so i decided to take radical steps to cure my illness.

Diagnosis
---------

First i had to examine the problem at hand. So i looked what's happenin. It seemed whenever i was messing around with somethin my left shoe would end up on my right foot. Presented in exhibit A.

In the above example u'll notice that my right foot and my left shoe or sandle or whatever have unhealthy relationship. If its a sandle its not so uncomfortable but if its a shoe it hurts. And for the blind ppl out there here's another close up.



So i had to cure it and so the brain tinkered..

Prognosis 1: Intimidation by violence
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I decided to scare and threaten my left shoe. So hired a mob to kick its ass all over town(my local band of little hooligans). They kicked the shit out of it for like an eclairs each and by the time it got back man was it in a really bad shape....

I eventually decided that maybe destroying all the left legged footwear i have would'nt be such a good idea.
And then i had a brilliant idea (i know im like a factory of gr8 ideas)

Prognosis 2(birlliant idea): Grossness factor by odour
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I decided rather than scaring of the shoes i'd gross them out by wearing "really really really stinky socks". Well as it turned out the "really really really stinky socks"


Grossed out not only my left shoe but also my right shoe and all the earthly creatures that could sense an objects stinkiness.

So onto cure number 3.

Prognosis 3: Eradication of the Problem
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This was from the radical chinese school of thought where u remove that which causes the problem. Well as it turned out the chinese line of thought was a really shitty one cause some things like setting ur right foot on fire just arent good ideas at all.



Final Prognosis: Aaaaaaaaaaaah! my right foot feels so good
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Well as it turned out the cure was as simple as the problem. I simply decided to start with my left foot from now on and as it turned out my left foot knew perfectly well what shoe it was supposed to get in to and the poor right foot had to get into what ever was left out which was the right shoe. So finally the problem was solved.

What did i do immediately after i cured it

Houese 264-536 for invitations
------------------------------

Only this time we were able to run the F off in time.


I know many of u dont believe me and for the cynical lot among u here is my convincing explanation. And those of u have experienced something similar or anything at all leave a comment.



Current Mood: Bad Hair Day
Current Music: Enigma - Cross of changes

Posted by Dude of Wellington | 19 Jun 2005, 3:33am

Dudes and inhabitants of venus(gals), who ever digs kung-fu movies holler "Wakaaaaaaaaaw". I know most of u have a holier than thou smirk on ur face. And i too know that u dug em when u were 3 feet shorter(atleast the guys anyway).

So dudes i was 6 and in those good old days of doordarshan and 21-inch TV's, when a VCR was a whack commodity. And a VHS tape came along once in a red moon(rarer than the more common blue moon), and was played atleast 36trillion times before being returned within 24 hrs. And on one such day a tape was popped in.....

2 hrs 27 minutes later

I was kicking the shit out of my dad(well atleast trying to) while trying to mimic a dogs howl and a cat's meow at the same time.

3 minutes earlier

i had just been through the most intense 2 hrs 24 minutes span of mu life up until i was 6. It was called "Game of Death" and it
was the first time i saw brucelee.

3 days later ....

I could only use sign language to communicate(lost voice cause of shouting) and was limping(my dad kicked the shit out of me(apparently u shouldnt try kung-fu on a larger individual at a bad time)).

When ur 6 and u just find out that its possible to kick the ass of 50 guys at the same time that's the most awesome thing ever. I was hooked and i never looked back until 1996(which was when the kung-fu movie genre officially died).
Then when i was 11 i saw another movie which had the most awesome martial arts sequence ever between jackie chan and Ubi udriquetz(karate world
champion). The movie was "spanish connection" aka "Meals on Wheels" and the last fight is so fast and so intense u wont believe what ur trying to see if you could just stop laughing.
Kung fu is fun, The dailogs the fights everything. Sometimes i and my friends have fake kung fu fights with all the paraphernalia.
Ass abt to be kicked Dude: "Dude ur kungfu is not good enuff, i will crush you like a tissue paper."
Dude who is abt to kick ass(me): "dude you have crushed too many tissues and now ur dust bin is full, this is the end."
Ass abt to be kicked Dude: "My burger king tissue cursh style is way superior to your gokul pani puri crush."
Dude who is abt to kick ass(me): "Oh yeah My coke can choke will crush ur ***** ... wakaaaaaaaaaaaw."
I leave you with pearls of kung-fu movie wisdom.


True Kung fu movie genre's(good ones)
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- The 5 bruce lee movies

- Vintage kung fu movies, jackie chan, samo hung and Biao Yuen

- Urban hong-kong kung fu movies until 1996


What arent kung fu movies
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- Any movies where ppl are flying around flinging crap at each other(crouching tiger hidden asshole, Matrix(gr8 movie, but not kungfu))

- Strictly no jet lee movies

- No hollywood movies except "Enter the dragon" (rush-hour too isnt a kung fu movie).


Algorithm for a good kung fu movie(vintage one's are the best)
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1) Take a young jackie chan

2) Stick jackie with an old strict dad or uncle

3) Jackie always gets into trouble

4) Dad punishes jackie

5) Any dude with a really weird hairstyle and very powerful and distinctive kung fu move will do for the bad guy

6) Bad guy kills dad.

7) Jackie wants to kill bad guy

9) Bad guy kicks the crap out of jackie

10) Jackie escapes somehow

11) Finds a new master

12) Trains in weird ways under him (like fighting for chicken with chopsticks)

13) Final show down between jackie and the bad guy.

14) Jackie breaks either the foot or hand which ever is special

15) Tata bad guy, onto the next movie jackie.

16) Between all these throw in a lot of finger waving, finger pointing(chinese style) and a couple of bowls of noodles.

Any other kung-fu fans out there that fight in their sleep leave a comment. I must go practice my kattas and Cries(hope i wake my neighbours up).....


Current Mood: Vicious
Current Music: Lady In My Life - Mj

Posted by Dude of Wellington | 13 Jun 2005, 3:31am

I am a complex human dude. I like sleep in the day and stay awake at night (all the dudes out there who think im like a ghurka dude or something should be feeling pretty stupid right abt now (Im onto u wiseass. And yes the ghurka dudes sleep at nigt too, they just make fools out of yall by banging their stick once every 3 hrs(did u notice like this is the third embedded bracket(im sick)))). I am also like sort of crazy but that?s a good kinda crazy. And I like do many weird things, which donot include other guys (ur sick). But at certain times of the day and at high tide (that?s like when god flushes the toilet) I become like really really uncomplex or simple and primitive. Primitive does not mean I?ll grow a beard turn into a cave dude with skimpy outfits and go hit tigers on their heads. It just means I?ll grow a beard turn into a cave dude in denim pants that have a questionable odour (dudes I also bathe like once every full moon) and go hit chicken on their heads.



Turns out I've genetically evolved to counter the growing chicken population on the planet. I mean I like eat chicken every single day, atleast since the last 2 yrs. And as if killin em while they grow up isn't enuff I eat 10 egg whites every single day(hey I must have my proteins for my muscle tone(im not lying ask my friends)). U?d like not believe it but chicken is like my staple diet. I mean I had chicken in 3 out of 4 meals yesterday?



Meal no.1 ? Chicken Biryani ? Hitech biriyani center (2:30 pm)

Meal no.2 - Chicken Biriyani ? Caf

Current Mood: Destructive
Current Music: Ive been everywher - johny cash

Posted by Dude of Wellington | 3 Jun 2005, 8:11am

Dudes, any true blooded biryani eating hyderabadi worth his salt knows he/she cohabits the city with the most cunning creature of em all - "the great hyderabadi autowala". These dudes are like the hyena's of hyd that prey on the 'dumb and dumber' crowd of the twin cities and beyond.

No matter how modest and simple a dude i try to be, my philanthropic nature gets the better of me every once in a while. Hence this 'post', to document the various sub-species of "the great hyderabadi autowala" and their traits for the greater good of mankind.

The yokel trapping autowala
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Anatomy: Almost all the auto dudes are great at trapping out of towners. I mean these dudes are so well evolved that they can pick up a country bumpkin from a crowd of millions just by sight. And when u add audio feedback to their already atuned senses u've got jaws with an autorikshaw. The poor "oh i've come to see my aunty who lives in barkathpura" dumbass never had a chance. One hour later the auto dude is long gone leaving behind one bankrupt pile of unadulteradted stupidity wondering "dude, what just happened??"

Modus Opearandi: These dudes approach victims as good natured auto walas just trying to help some poor folks out in a very polite subservient way. Then 3 trips around the city later they arrive at the precise point of their departure a couple of hours ago, only now the autowala is much more threatening with his unshaven buddies in the background. And thus the auto dude gets his hard earned dinero.

Hunting grounds: Secuderabad and nampally railway stations, imliban, all major shopping centers in hyd.

victims: country folk

what to do: Donot I mean Donot under any circumstances walk into anything that is colour coded yellow and black.

What not to do: After ur ripped off by one auto dude donot take another auto to goto where ever the hell ur going.

The city folk trapping auto wala
--------------------------------
Anatomy: This sub-species of auto dudes know their shit. They know that no slef respecting hyderabadi will fall for their dumbass attempt at a rip off, so they target dumbasses from other cities who are brave enough to approach an auto wala without knowing the city. But how do they find out who is a hyderbadi and who isnt you wonder. All shall be revealed in good time. These guys know that they wont getaway by making fools of the city folk like they did the yokel's so when they hit you, you wont feel a thing. You just get off the auto thinking wow ameerpet and punjagutta are realllly faaaar apart.

Modus Opearandi: When the victims approach these dudes they start their autos as usual and are off. Then once they are on their way the auto dude puts forth a number of very hyderabadi choices along their route that only a well versed hyderabadi will know. He'll ask stuff like "saab tankbund se jaoon ya begumpet se". And the slightest hint of hesitation on the poor blokes face is enough for the auto dude to fill 364 pages. That on second is the differnce between 20bucks and 200.

Hunting grounds: Secuderabad and nampally railway stations, imliban

Victims: city folk(excluding hyderabadi's)

What to do: Know the routes in the city, and how far apart different places are.

What not to do: Donot ask how far away ur destination is, or tell him u have a million bucks on u.

The good auto wala, bad auto wala duo
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Anatomy: hunting in packs they rip off even veteran hyderbadi's with this routine.

Modus operandi: a bunch of these auto walas stand in a group and when someone approaces em, they go 'I want 20 bucks above the meter" and so on until one auto wala goes "Im urs for 15 bucks above the meter". You hug him like god put him on this earth only for you and fall for the oldest trick in the book(the good cop bad cop routine).

Hunting grounds: Hospitals, colleges....

victims: everyone including hyderabadi's

What to do: Get off ur lazy ass and take the bus

What not to do: donot go with the 20 bucks above the meter guy

The a few bucks extra auto wala
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Anatomy: This one again is able to rip off hyd folk.

Modus Operandi: These guys either work late at night or early in the morning and try to con ppl out of their mullah by saying that its 1 and half rate at this time, so its better to know that the extra rate is from 10:00 at night to 5:00 in the morning, and no self respecting auto wala will admit this to be true. A variant of this type is one that will try to squeeze more than the agreed share of extra over the meter with a barrage of tactic ranging from "shouting till the neighbours wake up" to the "story of his sick mother, lame sister and blind brother".

Hunting grounds: at busstops in the nocturnal hour.

Victims: everyone including hyderabadi's.

What to do: Give extra only within the alotted time, and dont give more than the agreed extra sum.

What not to do: Donot wait for the bus.

The really bad autowala
-----------------------
Anatomy: True evil, these guys are bad.

Modus operandi: They pillage,molest and even kill innocent passengers. Gals are mainly at risk here and all the "oh im a hyderabadi girl no one can touch me kind" pls pay attention. These things do happen and their frequency offlate has gone up. Please be careful. They usually operate as a group when one victim gets in and is followed by a bunch of the auto wala's cohorts.

Hunting grounds: all over the city

Victims: lone men and women.

What to do: Try and avoid autos late in the night

What not to do: Never send gals alone in an auto, always try to escort them to their place. In case its unavoidable note the license plate number of the auto and keep in touch through a cell until they reach the destination safely.

The good autowala
-----------------
Anatomy: They are gr8 guys, everyone of us has met a gr8 autowala atleast once. He could either have been, ur daily autowala to shcool while u were a kid, or the auto wala with great anectodes on that one trip umpteen years ago, or the autowala that tries to shield you from any trouble, What ever it might be they do still exist.

Modus operandi: Fun and honest. These guys give the rest of the autowalas a badname.

Victims: All

What to do: Try to hold on to him.

What not to do: Donot forget to visit him every once in a while.

I would like to thank a dear friend of mine without whom all the hyderbadi autowala's would have been long gone. She literally fed the auto dudes and saw them through the tough times brought on by the "mini taxi's",or "share autos", or "Death traps" or whatever u call em. Thanks ***** dude. Pls do add anymore weird hyd autowala behaviour through comments.

Current Music: Rag doll - Aerosmith