Dear Liquor...
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 27 April 2008, 8:16pm
By no one in particular.
Dear Liquor,
I thought I'd take a minute of your time to discuss some troubling factors with respect to our long standing intimate relationship with you. No please, continue fermenting, I'll do all the talking.
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.) Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game...and you're even around during the holidays: hidden inside chocolates you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless social and family gatherings.
Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences...
- Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occuring at 3 AM.
- Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though my culiniary skills are not even worth mentioning, why you suggested that I eat a sundried vegetable with chili sauce coupled with a pot noodle and some stale fries(washed down with peach flavoured absolut and topped off with a Milky Bar) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.
Special note to Mr. Jack Daniels: Please do not entice me to pick fights with bouncers...and then follow through.
- Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see "NO" need to hammer the issue home by making me fall upside down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 30 seconds to get the front door key into its lock - a genuine and completely fair request, I shall assume!
- Pictures: You seem to think that it is a blessing in disguise, but let me tell you in unequivocal terms; the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: wigs, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, old lingerie...
- "Is she my old batch-mate" syndrome: If I think I may know her from my old school / college days, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's go make-out (or any kinda shit that amounts to mean the samething)". While I may be thinking this inside, please ensure you reinstate that all-important brain-to-mouth block to keep this thought coming out in any kind of decipherable statement form, especially in public.
Furthermore, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous nights' debauchery may be in order, but the "2PM-Hangover-Immobility" is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e. water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin, lots of curd) prior to going to bed / passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be quite minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair—you do your part, I'll do mine.
Mr. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for quite some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms for the future. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for many a laughter, and the most needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pocket. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances mentioned above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday at 6 PM (pre happy hour, of course) with your possible suggestions and solutions so that we can continue this fruitful partnership (hopefully!!).
Thank you in advance for your prompt attention to these matters.
Sincerely - your biggest fan,
Me.
Current Music: Run - by Collective Soul
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