Welcome to another insipid TV game show featuring characters from real life who you must’ve encountered by now. Let me introduce you to the contestants first.

 
  1. PP: PP is a guy who believes in living life to the fullest. But if you don’t like Jesus, he believes you can die life to the fullest as well. When asked about why he should win this game, he replied: “I don’t believe in coincidence. I don’t believe in evolution. I don’t believe in science either. Dear lord, give me the strength to recollect what I was asked, and to answer that correctly…”
 
  1. Hottie Taneja: Hottie is the sort of dame that every guy at work or college or in another dimension would just like to, ahem, let’s say, know more intensely. She’s the girl that every other idiot on the planet seems to land, except you. When asked about why she should win the game, she replied: “I’ll tell you that as soon as you tell how my earrings look. Do they match my Louis Vuitton? And how about my Jimmy Choos? Anyway, I should win because I think I’m hot. If that’s not good enough for you then…”
 
  1. Nancy Noodles: Nancy is a charming, smart young lady who randomly turns into a sadistic, stupid bitch. Most men that’ve been in a relationship would vouch that they know Nancy very well. When asked about why she should win the game, she replied: “Because I’m tired of wanting to make all of this work. How many times should I remind you that the TV remote should be pointed at 180 degrees and not like you are doing right now? I should win because my friends and parents never wanted this anyway…”
 
  1. Exec Chidambaram: Exec is a black coffee; an Arrow Presidential Collection shirt; a conference call; a status update report. He is ambitious, and wants to quickly become a senior manager of the firm. When asked about why he should win this game, he replied: “Project planning is all about timelines, resources and deliverables broken down into achievable landmarks. My marketability and salability combined with my USP of effective capitalization of current trends will ensure unparalleled success in the short-term, near-short-term, almost-near-short-term, immediate-near-short-term and not-so-long-term…”
 
  1. Lech Lazzario: Like any respectable young man (if 31 can be called that) Lech likes women. He likes them in the office. In the elevator. On the road. He especially likes them in the privacy of his room. If only the women also liked him back. When asked about why he should win this game, he replied: “This is very important to me because I love the curves on this font that you’re using. ‘Using…’ I could think of a million ways in which you could ‘use’ me. Or I could put you to good use…”
 

Let’s start the game already. We’ll make up the rules as we go along.

 

First question to win some amount of cash which you will not win anyway:

 

A for…?

 

PP: A for Apple - the forbidden fruit that should be banished from earth. The Garden of Eden and the serpent and this fruit – they have deprived me of being with my Lord all the time. I hate apples, unless of course if they belong to Madonna. The singer, I mean, before your impure mind garners any blasphemous thoughts.

 

Hottie:  A for Apple - the color of my diamond-shine, liquid-crystal, sun-sizzle lip gloss from Elizabeth Arden. If that’s not the right answer, I think we should kiss and make up. Makeup, get it? You better laugh – I used up my month’s quota of 220 watts of brain energy to think that one up.

 

Nancy: A for Apple - the fruit that you said you would get from the supermarket, but could not because they were out of stock. How could you not have gone to the farmlands only 600 kilometers away and get them from there? No, but you do want to sit and watch your soccer game no matter the apples for my skin peel are available or not.

 

Exec: A for Apple - the one brand that beats analyst estimates annually by launching an avant-garde product. Like this fiscal they launched the I-MAX. And in the last quarter there was the smash-hit launch – I-Odex. Their global footprint in the entertainment and ointment segments is unprecedented. Someday I’m going to be competing with Rupert Murdoch the charismatic CEO of the firm. For a woman, Rupert sure knows how to be a swell top executive.

 

Lech: A for Apple - the plump, firm, juicy, sweaty fruit that you quickly grab and bite into. I love the apples that Neha Dhupia grows. And Charlize Theron. And Jessica Alba. And Mandakini from work. Hell, I love apples that any woman grows. And men too if they wear Victoria’s Secret.

 

Ok, last task for this episode:

 

Sing a love song.

 

PP: Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way

       Oh what fun it is to annoy folks with my religious hearsay

 

Hottie: Chaliya Chaliya Chaliya

             Ruh churalun main hoon aisi chaliya

             Chaliya Chaliya Chaliya

             Tujhe laga ki mein patjaun, tu hai choo..ya 

Nancy:   Every breath you take,

              Every move you make,

              Every smile you fake,

              Every step you take,

              I’ll be nagging you

Exec: Who let my CTC out?

          Who, Who, Who?!

          Who let my CTC out?

          Who, Who, Who?!!

           

Lech:   I wanna be your T-shirt when its wet

            I wanna be the shower when you sweat

            I wanna be your underwear

            I can even be your underarm hair

 

After that deplorable performance by characters that we come across everyday, it’s only fair that we put an end to this insipid another TV game show. Disturbing, isn’t it?