Another New Profession in the Job Market - Platonic Hookers
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 16 October 2008, 11:32pm
I got a brand new box of crayons weeks ago (and of course I was bored, so you can wipe that smirk off your face). I love them. Here's my problem: Too many colors. Who the hell needs this many shades of white, blue and green? And who's the genius who comes up with the names for crayons? I have one white crayon called 'snowflake' and another white crayon called 'igloo'. Hang on! that's not the point of this post; I just had to let that out.
If you are still here, the other day I was sitting around feeling bored, doing whatever it is I normally do when I'm not writing for "hunt4myspace". Then I decided to turn away from the magic box and i-POD and call some friends, you know, to "hang out". Unfortunately, all of my friends were off having raunchy sex with their girlfriends or wives / husbands, that I frankly don't even want to think about, so I was left all by my lonesome. I sat around the house, bored out of my skull, for hours. Then I came up with this great idea that should exist, but as far as I know does not: The "Plationic-Hookers".
Here's how the Platonic - Hooker would work: If you ever found yourself in the position I described in the previous inappropriate paragraph, you could call up a Platonic - Hooker service and for a very nominal fee, they would send over someone who matches your description to be your friend for the day. Now, I want to stress that this is a purely platonic relationship I'm talking about here. They might even send over someone of the same gender. Who knows? The Platonic - Hooker would show up in jeans and cool T-shirts, just to make sure the client doesn't get the wrong idea. Of course, just like your other escort agencies, Platonic - Hookers would offer a list of "extras" a-la-carte to some of their more discriminating clientele. Say, special price for a hug or something like that?
Platonic - Hookers don't have to be attractive people. Hell, most of my real friends aren't anything to write about (Moreover, I don't like to hang around people more attractive than myself). Unlike the whole prostitution thing, where your income is directly related to how good you look, the Platonic - Hookers who will make the most money are those with the most winning smiles and sparkling personalities. They say beauty is only skin deep, but really, when you think about it, that's the only part you can see, so that's the only part that actually counts. I even figured out a caption for the first Platonic - Hooker agency; something like "You don't need to be a looker to be a Platonic - Hooker". It's catchy and most importantly - it rhymes. I think you kind of get the point that I'm trying to make here!
I think the Platonic Hooker agency would be a great service to people like me. Say I wanted to go to a restaurant or a nightclub. There's nothing in the world sadder than telling the bearer "table for one!" Only total losers go by themselves to those kinds of places, and usually the bouncer spits on you and throws you into a dust bin nearby in a black polythene bag. Damn that bastard. I'll show him who's boss. With a Platonic - Hooker by my side, nobody will ever make fun of me again.
The Platonic - Hooker agency would offer other services as well. Like, for example, you could pay a monthly fee and get your very own Friend-On-Rent to call you and ask how your day was every now and again. Also, they would come see you on your birthday and give you presents. Just make sure you don't get too attached, or else the Platonic - Hooker might start treating you like my REAL friends treat me: showing up at my door at 2:30 in the morning asking to borrow my car or something. Where the hell do you want to drive off to, at 2:30 in the morning? Why can't it bloody wait? Fools.
I know a lot of normal hookers out there are finding my use of the term "hooker" derogatory. The rest of you are probably just tired of me using it so much in one post. It's pretty much lost its shock value by now, I am sure. I think that these days, people prefer the terms Escort, Prostitute, Empowered Company, Pleasure Seeker, Temporary Girlfriend or Adult Entertainer. I can't really think of any polite euphemisms for "Platonic - Hooker".
Quote for the Moment: My (real) friend Pankaj, on why he thinks it's ok to sleep with prostitutes: "I'm not paying them for sex. I'm paying them to leave afterwards."
Have you ever been with a group of friends and then wanted to ditch one of them? If you surrounded yourself with platonic - hookers you wouldn't need to worry about that sort of thing anymore. Just say "vanish" and, like magic, the platonic - hooker of your choice takes a hike. They might get eaten by polar bears, for all you know. You don't have to care, so long as you agree to pay for the whole hour. And if you've never been in the situation I described at the beginning of this strange joke, chances are that your friends have at some point tried to ditch you. Think about that.
Many of you are probably laughing at the concept, dismissing it as juvenile ranting by an immature, lonely sociopath. Well, you're pretty much correct on most of them. I mean, right now it's some ungodly hour in the night and I'm sitting here drunk off my tree writing a blog about the world's newest profession. Don't laugh too hard, though. Someday this idea will make me a lot richer than you, and then it'll be my tax money that will pay for your highways, flyovers and waterpipes. Get a life, you parasite!
Unless, of course, you plan on stealing my idea and making money from it yourself. In that case, I'd just like to say: My name is Abi, and I'd like to place an order for this weekend!
Current Mood: Happy, Just!!!
Current Music: She Will Have Her Way - Neil Finn
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