Asking a Non-Desi out…AKA…suicide
Kratos | 21 April 2009, 2:48am
There’s this girl, Candy who works in my office. She’s an undergrad (translation: fun). She is blessed with the best possible combination of Asian and American genes. She’s the cutest and hottest thing I’ve ever seen. So naturally, I stare at her like the shameless bugger I am.
Anytime a friend visits me, I make sure to take them to my office through the more scenic route….that is, across the hall where Candy works the copy machine or fax machine or whatever that thing is.
I was giving Chirag the same tour of the facility when he said something that made the nice old receptionist lady look up in disbelief. Let me tell you a little something about Chirag before I continue.
If you’ve read my previous post, you would know that he is new to the group. The first thing we’ve noticed about him is his unique thought process (or the lack of it). Normal rules of etiquette don’t apply to him. He flirts with any female in his path, regardless of her relationship status, even if she’s just been introduced to him or even is she’s the 46 year old land-lady. He also seems completely oblivious to the alarmed looks people give him after he says something completely inappropriate. The guys like having him around naturally, because he takes all the attention away from our own occasional blunders.
So, I was not very surprised when he said “Whoa! You should totally bang her dude! Right there on the copy machine! Brrrrrr…Bang Bang Bang!”
Of course, knowing Chirag, I understood that what he would have actually said (if he were a normal person) is that I should ask her out. Why didn’t I ask her out? I’ve been staring at her for 1 year now. I decided I should at least think about it.
And then I started thinking. What kind of guys would she normally go out with? With the cutest little smile, sparkly black eyes and several other exhilarating assets, she would have no difficulty getting the captain of the swimming team and the captain of the baseball team fight to the death for her. But then I remembered what I read once in Debonair (a very intellectually stimulating publication for the gentlemen young in years and matured in thought). The article said that the most beautiful girls are often not asked out because they are considered unattainable. That is, no one wants to ask a beautiful woman out because they think she would've already been asked by much better guys. It sounded like wishful thinking, but I’ve always been a fan of wishful thinking.
Then I remembered what Russell Peters once said during his routine. Apparently his date with a hot American girl went really well ;) and so when they were about to do it…he took off his shirt. And the girl goes…“YEWWWW!” All that chest hair...alas! Peters explains that his penis inverted at that exact moment.
Very discouraging indeed! But then again, I was getting ahead of myself. I was yet to ask her out. So I decided the sooner I ask her out, the better. I dressed up a little the next day, got my game face on, deo and mouthwash. I was ready. I walked up to her desk and said…Hi.
“Oh hey! I know you! You played the bass guitar at that Indian music concert right…I can’t remember what it was called”
“Taal?”
“Oh yeah! You were awesome! Me and my friends so loved the way you played!”
At this point I would like SO much to stop writing this post. But alas, I owe you the truth…and the rest of the conversation.
“That wasn’t me, it was another guy” I said, while my heart was breaking into several pieces.
“Oh…I’m sorry…you look just like him” she says looking a little embarrassed. But not as embarrassed as I was feeling.
“Ah…well, sorry to disappoint you…I guess I just look like him without the awesome guitar playing skills”
“Oh don’t worry...you can learn to play the guitar from that guy. He was just adorable. Do you know him? Can you introduce us?”
At this point I was ready to kill myself. At this exact moment, Chirag decides to show up and shouts from across the hall, waving frantically.
“Dude…you’re finally doing it! Naaaiiiccce! Brrrr..Bang Bang Bang!’ He also did a little thrust with his hips while saying bang bang bang.
The nice old receptionist lady looked up in disbelief again and Candy just stared at me.
I murmured a ‘See you around Candy’ and walked straight back to my office, dragging the idiotic moron with me.
Moral of the day: Don't kid yourself and never invite morons to your office.
~Kratos
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: some shitty song!
Currently Reading: pelican brief
Recent Movies: bucket list
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