Ecstatic Failure

Hi,

I don’t know why I’ve chosen to write this after 15 years of living a life of quiet longing…but I have.

I am sorry.

So incredibly sorry. I can never put into words how sorry I truly am for what I made you endure. I can try to chalk it up to immaturity, mental instability, being an angsty teen/young adult but you know what? It wasn’t any of that. I was a horrible person to you. It’s as plain and simple as that. And again, I am so god damn sorry for that.

I did truly love you. I still do. You were the absolutely right person and the most perfectly wrong time. I didn’t even hit rock bottom until nearly ten years later. You supported me, trusted me, loved me and I gave you absolutely nothing back. I am so so so god damn sorry. I know now how much you longed to hear me say those three words to you. Three words that maybe could have saved us, if I'd have meant them : "I trust you". 

I've fantasized so much about if I could go back, how I'd do so many things differently. I'd never take you for granted, I'd trust you, I would stop living in the past! How many opportunites I had to make it all right!! Here I am, still trying to stop living in the past.

There truly hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t thought of you since we parted ways. Look at me, still trying to sugar coat it. We didn’t part ways. I fucked you over and made you run as far in the opposite direction as you possibly could. And you were right to do so, I was a shit human being. In fact, I am grateful that you didn't make it worse for me when you were well within your rights to do so. I wish I could make amends to you but I don’t think that will ever be possible.

I just want to say, that if we had met at a different time, a different place, maybe in a different fucking universe than this one, we would’ve been great. When we were good, when the love was there and evident and present, it was fucking wonderful. But when it wasn’t, god was it ever awful. Awful for you, so damn awful for you. I really can’t say sorry enough.

I’ve observed from as far as I possibly could. I know I should not have. I know I should have just let go. I couldn’t help myself. I am sorry for that too. If I in any way, shape or form cause you any discomfort, I am so sorry.

I genuinely, genuinely do hope you are happy with the life you always wanted. The husband, the kids, the happy family. I wish you all the happiness in life that I couldn't give you and so, so, so, so much more.

As is our tradition (if you can even call it that), I’ll leave you with one song:

Good Life – Francis Dunnery

I know you will probably never ever read this. If you even did, all you may feel is spite. But on the remotest possibility that you don’t, will you be my friend?

I miss you and I love you.

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