Ecstatic Failure

Think it over

If Only | 08 December, 2007 02:18

If only throwing coins in a well served a purpose...

War. | 12 November, 2007 08:33

In my chase for you, I destroyed my dignity. In my love, for you I gave away my humility. I destroyed everything I held near and dear for you, and what did you give me in return? Nothing.

Now, I ask myself, was it worth it? Does your love actually cost more than my dignity? And the invariable, infallible answer i get is "FUCK NO!" Think for yourself, how much did I give you? How happy did I keep you? And was all of that worth it? Again, "FUCK NO!"

Then why? Why, every night before I say goodbye to consciousness, the last though I have is of you? Why do I dream of you as my bride? Why do I want to give you everything I have left? After you, who knew what I was going through, decided to be a heartless bitch to me?? WHY? God damn it, why?

I don't want to love you anymore. I don't want to think of you anymore....but I do. I want to rid myself of you, I want to cleanse my body of you, but I can't. I can't help but think of you. I can't help but want you. Even though I don't want to. I'm at war with myself and it only gets worse with every passing day.

Goodbye to you but I will return. I know I will even though I don't want to!

Life | 30 October, 2007 12:16 tough.

Goodbye My Lover | 22 September, 2007 00:20

Life has been reasonably good to me, except one facet. This blog has been dedicated to that facet of my life and I thought it was over, but life just has this amazing uncanny ability to turn full circle and hit you in the face. And what I am left with is yet another bitter-sweet memory.....

I had the most amazing time of my life with you. It was the most gorgeous period of my life. And the effect that had on me when it ended was drastic. I changed a lot in a short period of time and had one goal in mind, to have you return. I know that person did stupid things but now I am returning to my usual, reasonably happy self. Though I am afraid that that me acted a little too horribly with you. Things just went downhill too much, too fast. And I have apologized but according to you things cannot go back to the way they were, though I honestly believe that they can.

I will still love you and I wish you find someone who will keep you happier than I could ever have. Though I honestly don't believe someone like that exists. I hope you find someone who will give you more than I ever could or would. And again, I don't believe such a person exists. All I want to say is, I hope you have a happy life ahead, with or without me. While I would definitely prefer it be with me, I cannot force you into something you do not want, can I?

The worst part of all this, is that I never as much as held you in my arms, never as much as kissed your lips, never caressed your face, never loved you the way I wanted to. Do I feel regret? Yes, I do. Do I still want you back? Yes, more than you realize. Will I keep you happy? Yes, more than you are willing to believe. But ultimately, I want to see you happy. Go ahead and have it without me, but just remember me once in a while. Just think about me and remember our time together and smile. Thats what I ultimately want from you, one smile. I know its not right to ask you to forget the things I did, but I will ask you anyway, don't remember the pain I caused but please remember the love I gave you.

Goodbye my lover. Take care of yourself and memories of me. I know I am doused in memories of you at the moment. I am going away but not moving on. I will never love someone the way I loved you. I will never let anyone know me the way you did and I will never know anyone the way I knew you. I love you and truly wish you all the best of luck for all your future endeavors. To me, you are still the sweetest part of my short life so far. And this is the bitter part, having to say goodbye. But as I said, I am returning to my normal self and accepting facts when they come my way.

Sleep in peace, wake with the morning sun knowing you are capable of winning the world. Wake knowing that there is one person whose heart will always be your home. And with that, go forth into the day, and destroy your worries and obstacles, and triumph over your greatest fears, troubles and tribulations. So what if we are a couple of thousand miles away? Love is more than just an emotion, it is something much stronger than just that...but I digress.

Final words to you my Queen, take care of Elysium, it is your responsibility now. I have renounced it and am walking the paths an ascetic. Ale and bread tastes sweeter when its won with physical labour. And labour does give direction to the pain. I will live through the memories of you. The Kingdom I am leaving in your care. Just make sure the King you pick is worthy of the throne. I haven't been for a while now and according to you, I should not return when I believe I am. And I will comply. I may send you tidings of my journeys and my feelings, please accept them and do not hate me for reminding you of me. You are still The Elysian Queen, though I am not the King anymore. My crown I place at your feet, my heart, though I cannot rip it out, in essence belongs to you. Take care of it for me.

"In my arms an angel lies
With luscious lips and gorgeous eyes
A soothing grace, a gentle touch
A heart that just loves SO much

In my arms an angel lay
But now she's gone far away
Far, far away..."

Just so you know, I will NEVER stop loving you.

Love you

Monkeys With Grease & Bears With Claws | 20 September, 2007 04:07

So we end up randomly at Hector & Todd's house. Thusan's radiator is busted so Nuwan, Thusan and me get down to repairing his rad. Felt good to get into the engine of a car again, haven't done much to my Suzuki at home for a long time now. The rad just had a hole in it, nothing a piece of duct tape can't fix temporarily. He's gotta get a new rad though. Felt like a regular grease monkey though :D

And work. Wow, what a week at work, more and more extra shifts piling up. But so is the money in the bank ;). And burn marks on my hand piling up too. Well, I was distracted by S. Thoughts of her kept pouring out and she even turned up in the middle of my shift, smiling at me. :D

Got three vertical burn marks, one beside the other, making it look like a bear claw mark. PERFECT story to tell people since we were planning to go camping soon anyway. :D

Death. | 18 September, 2007 04:09

The Elysian Queen has just committed suicide. We are all grieving her loss but now we are moving on.

Closure | 07 May, 2007 09:18

What do you do when things don

Used. | 14 April, 2007 22:24

How can you expect me to be normal after the way you behaved? Do you expect me to act as if nothing happened? How can you expect what you did not to hurt? You never even tried to do anything to change the things you disliked. You never let me know, how could you expect me to change? How can I not be angry about it? How are you angry? You were the one who hurt me without even talking to me. You were the one who left. You made me stop caring for you. And that made you stop caring for me. So, now ask yourself, who triggered these events. Was it you or me? Who fucked up? Was it you or me? Who cared more for the other? You

Will You? | 26 March, 2007 15:41

The world was mine to give to you, but since you did not want it, I am keeping it for myself. I gave you nothing compared to what I was going to give to you. You took whatever I gave to you, decided to give some back, and took it all away, without realizing how much it meant to me. Now, you

Darkness | 23 March, 2007 10:34

A lost maiden roaming the forests

A darkness cast by the glowing moon

What dark dangers does the forest hold

When the creatures of dark fully bloom

An eerie calm, a deadly prickle of hair

A presence of something silently sinister

A fragrance of lavenders, long squelched

A glowing anger at the uncalled visitor

A frantic flight, in search of safety

A rapid chase of increasing vehemence

A guiding spotlight of the indifferent moon

Lost in older worlds of its own remembrance

A tress caressed by gnarled fingers

A piece of cloth left on curved claws

Run does she, to the edges of fortitude

Followed by, hungry jaws

An attack in the marshes

Two bodies collide with the ground

Devoured is her glowing flesh

From the night, there is no sound

A tragic end to a lovely life

That came and passed too soon

The maiden was you, the beast was I

Now I stare at the indifferent moon.

I Will... | 21 March, 2007 14:43

Torment me as much as you will
I will not break before you
Take me down with you stillness
I will not succumb to you

Let me drown in memories past
I will not take the pill of guilt
Shoot me down with the morning star
I will not break the edifice I built

Break my bones with words unsaid
I will not waver from where I stand
Rope me in with silence still
I will wait for the promised land

Walk away from my fragmented heart
I will walk my ways without you
Turn around and leave my abode
I will pass my days without you

Scream silently to the breaking dawn
I will wake without you
Walk along with the lonesome moon
I will live without you

Pretend to the world, I don

A Bitter-Sweet Memory | 13 March, 2007 10:38

Go ahead. Erase me from your memories. Let time fade me away so I never return again. We soon part ways and it will become easier. For you, at least. What about me? Where do I take the broken fragments of my heart you so graciously handed to me? What do I do? I cannot erase you so easily. I don

Solitude. | 24 February, 2007 15:46

Ever wonder how you can sit in a room full of people, people you know, and still be encased in solitude. You do everything, go through the ropes, do everything you can to help everyone,look out for them only to end up wondering who

Crossroads | 22 February, 2007 13:50

A lonely star shone that night
Casting a silver light on us
I saw your breath wander
In the space that divided us

I watched a golden lock
Spread itself across your face
I watched as you moved it away
Watched the path your fingers traced

We sat in a silence
Too dynamic for me to break
Words held no more meaning
A single look was all it would take

A touch was enticing
But what it might do, I feared
The bond was so delicate
I still needed you near

I walked away from you
Hid myself in my own shame
Never looked back too
Though I knew it wasn't the same

Time changed a lot of things
We were never the same again
Then winter slowly dawned
I stood silently in the rain

You made your choices
And I made some of my own
You never understood mine
And I never understood your own

We chose separate paths
I resigned myself silently
I walked by myself
Faced the world defiantly

Now, we've gone too far on separate roads
And that old crossroad has returned
And I know I still feel the same way
And this time, you chose to walk away

All these words I've said
And you still don't care
I know no way to change that
Into the lonely night sky
I quietly stare

I know nothing else to say
To make you stay this time
All I can do is wonder
If we will ever be "fine"

People are crazy, At times are strange | 13 February, 2007 11:27

Off late, "some" people think I have been acting rude and stuff but they don't realize what makes me act like this was their own doing. However, I chanced upon a quote that truly described what I thought, it was more of an epiphany. So here it is:

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived"
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