Ecstatic Failure

Off late, "some" people think I have been acting rude and stuff but they don't realize what makes me act like this was their own doing. However, I chanced upon a quote that truly described what I thought, it was more of an epiphany. So here it is:

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived"

1. Everybody, every single person wears a mask

2. There is no such thing as a genuine person

3. People believe that circumstances define them. With the power of human will, circumstances can be defined by the people

4. Scarred hearts heal too slowly. Scarred egos don't heal at all.

5. You can be double-crossed by anyone, even your closest friends...or so you think they are.

6. A 'yes' can be easily converted into a 'no', given a plausible (not necessarily accurate) explanation

7. Memory is your only true possession, relish it for as long as you have it. Don't forget the bad times either, they will help you along your way

8. Hope is a wonderful abstract.

9. Wrath, rage and anger are to be expressed, and expressed only towards whom they are directed.

10. Life always comes back to you full circle.

I am an introvert and a loner. More so than anyone else who claims to be one. I push people away from me, I never get close to anyone, even the friends I have now are only because of circumstances or because they made an effort to become my friend. I would not say I am unsociable, but I enjoy solitude. I would not say I don't feel anything for anyone, but I do end up feeling too much for certain people and the heartbreak I've suffered when they go away has been too much to take. I would not say that I don't like anyone, its just that people I like, end up not liking me. But one thing I will say, I will not change. I will remain the same person for the entirety of my life. I will still be who I am, the same sarcastic fool who doesn't know a thing about anything. I am happy all the time, but sometimes I feel its a face for everything I do, for everything I feel, I don't want to let anyone into my enclosed space, into everything that is bottled up inside of me. I am too afraid of being betrayed. Too afraid of what other people might think. That they might judge me for what I am. I claim to not be bothered by what other people say, and most of the time, I am not, its only when someone I care about tells me something like that, is when I feel bad, bad being a very soft term for what I am implying. And thats why I never let anyone into my own space. Even my "best" friends don't know the half of what I am, the one fourth of what I comprise of. I have a lot of emotion in me that no one but me gets to see. Sometimes its reflected in these blogs that I write on an irregular basis. But more often that not, many feelings are never portrayed, because I never let them come out into the open. These blogs are my emotional valve, they let me be who I am, without being judged, without people thinking about what I am, then again I ask myself, why make them public if you don't want anyone to know, and the reply is that I do want people to know, I just don't want the people close to me to know. I don't want them knowing everything about me. I know it is weird, but that is the way I am, and the way I will be. The written word will always be stronger than anything else in my book.

A few lyrics that encapsulate the way I feel right now :

"I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention,
Yet I always try to hide
'Cos I talk to you like children,
tho I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed
'Cos it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said"

This has been my craziest week at univ so far.

The initial part was pretty routine but then it gets interesting

Monday - Not much happened

Tuesday - Bio midterm. Helped a frend to study after the midterm

Tuesday nite - Roamed arnd rez till 4

Wednesday morning - 4:30 AM - went to sleep
5:00 PM - woke up
5:30 PM - meeting of debate club
7:00 PM - had dinner

Wednesday nite - roamed arnd again, , got onto yahoo and chatted to ppl back home till 7. DID NOT SLEEP!

Thursday morning - roamed arnd campus for almost 2 hrs doing nothing. played video games for the next few hours. food, computer etc etc ate up the rest of the day

Thursday nite - roamed arnd rez, had work from 12AM - 4AM. Stayed up the rest of the time in the study centre with frends making non-veg jokes abt dinosaurs and bull scrotum. DID NOT SLEEP

Friday morning - 8:30 AM - Maths Test (suffice to say did badly on it)
food, frends, etc etc
2:30 PM - Chemistry test (scored a frikking 96 on it)
Friends, food, other stuff.
5:30 PM - Lost the keys to my room!!!
9PM - Headed to the kegger!!! After nearly 50 hrs of no sleep
Drank over 20 glasses of purple jesus (grape juice mixed with vodka) of which nearly 10 were chugged.

Some of the things i did while drunk:

[list][*]Sat down randomly almost newhere
[*]Tried talking to a girl's breasts
[*]Stood in a corner and screamt "I Love Ya" in a highly shrill voice for 5 - 15 mins
[*]Went outside and spoke to a guy for 15 mins abt racism and i dont remember a word i said (he hugged me at the end of the conversation so i suppose i made an impression)
[*]Wore a hoolah skirt and a blinking santa hat simultaneously (just so u know, wore the skirt over my pants. did not take them off)[/list]

Was walked home by a frend who put me to bed on his bed (coz my room keys were still lost, poor guy slept on the floor)

Woke up at 5:30 at roamed around a bit and was told the following story by two girls (one of which was the one whose breasts i was talking to):

"You stumbled into the girls washroom at arnd 3, took ure pants off and peed all over the place"

Apparently the girls cant use their washroom nemore (till it gets cleaned on monday) and have to use the guy's.

Went back to bed and woke up at 11 AM (its saturday morning now btw.)

Found an RA and got him to open my room for me and was informed i have to pay arnd 80$ to get my lock changed and new keys made.

Had lunch with friends from Cartier. Roamed around. Tried to clean my room up a bit. Rest of the day just went by.

Roamed around again at arnd 7ish and found my keys in my jacket!!

Went for Borat at arnd 9ish with frends. First half was hilarious, got stupid towards the end.

Walked arnd downtown for a bit and then called a cab back to university

Went to the Dragon's Inn for dinner which was good. Left there around 1 AM. Then went up to frend's room again and watched Edward Scissor-Hands. Loved the movie.

Came back down and poker was on in the lounge. Watched some of it. Its 5AM now and im back in my room writing this. Now im gonna post it and go to sleep.

The Fire Of Life

The fire of life
Burning silently inside of me
Raging now
From all the hurt and misery

Desperate tries
Failed attempts
Sinister lies
Grey events

Sharpened edges
Of the swords I yield
Angry now
The fire inside of me

Massacre of egos
Destruction of vanity
Vanquishment of veto
Regaining my sanity

Clearer vision
Misguided emotions aplenty
Redemption sought
But their eyes are empty

Softened corners
Of the words I speak
Softening now
The fire inside of me

Dances of joy
Smiles of happiness
And a hint
Of remorseful sadness

The love of life
Urging me to go on
The thread of hope
Giving rise to a new dawn

Silent now
Is the fire inside of me

I am happy. Very happy. Thats all I need to say. Its such a pure emotion this time. I am actually happy, in the right sense of the word. Theres a purity I never felt before. Life is lovely.

Why must I return every time I leave? Why must I always come back in spite of saying "goodbye"? Is it denial of the facts? Or is it something more? Is there a bond that holds me? Or is it my own inability to let go?

Funny, how life is. Funny, how the brain works too. Thought processes, problem solving, can achieve such logical tasks but it also dreams, and sometimes dreams up some totally illogical things. Imagines some things, which are unimaginable in your conscious state. And imagines them with such clarity! As if it weren't a dream, but a memory. A memory of something deeply cherished. Something I may never own...never even see again.

And yet I must dream every night. Dream up memories

Star-gazing nights
Days lost in the wild
The bumblebee dances
The dragon plays with the child

A starry spotlight
A winter sheen
And shining bright
The Elysian queen

Innocent walks
Down the lanes of yore
Night long talks
Still we longed for much more

A velvet gown
A muslin grace
A blinding crown
An aristocratic face

Sweet smells
In the gardens of old
Long playful stories
Many a days back told

Its all in the expression. Freedom, Ecstacy and a look of rejoicement.

Something I experienced.

Why do dreams come true so seldom?


And if you know that something is impossible, should you stop dreaming about it?

Over the years (if you include my previous blog), my blog has become a place for me to let off steam, share joy, share sorrow, look at life from a different angle. Sometimes I go over my previous posts and just ponder how naive I was to feel so strongly about such trivial issues.

Life has been good to me. I feel I can say that. But there is just one thing missing for it to become perfect. And I have received confirmation that it will never be perfect. So I try to salvage what I have left and still amounts to a fairly nice picture...the only thing missing is the only thing that mattered all the time...other issues were small...this one stayed with me for four years and probably will never go away.

Well, life is like that. Takes away what you want most, gives you things you feel you could do without.

The sky was a perfect mix of gold and bluish-white. It looked like something out of an artist

How do you let go of something you held dear for n number of years?

How does everything shatter with a sentence?

Why does a dream almost never turn into reality?

When the hell did life get this complicated???

How the hell did life get so complicated??

One day, we are just laughing and talking about what happened at school or what stupid game we were to play and then all of a sudden everything changed.

Don't give me all that adolescence and puberty bullshit. I know about all that. But then again, life jumped. It jumped and left me on the wrong side of the canyon and I'm still afraid to take that jump...maybe I took it and am looking longingly at the other end. And the strangest thing is, all the people in my life just took the jump and walked away, no one waited, no one even gave that canyon a second look....no one but me.
I wonder what happened. Many a times I wonder. How the hell did life manage this? How did the people manage this?? It was as if everyone just shed their innocence like old snake skin, which just had to be rubbed off. I don't understand it. Did we grow up? Is part of growing up giving up things which make your heart happy? Where did the sunshine go? Where did that little park of our imagination disappear to? Or does that only happen in cartoons?? Where time moves, but life does not. Where characters stay the same age forever.

Where did the purity go? The time when you did something, you did it for the mere joy of doing it. Not because it was smart, not because other people would talk about it, just because you wanted to do it.

When did we become old, mature? Where did those midsummer walks and talks go? Little games, stupid though they were, we'd laugh our heads off at them.

Everything forgotten so quickly? And then, why can't I forget all that? Why am I still left standing here? I still don't understand it.

Then there are some nights. Talking till 3 in the morning, laughing when the person who'd come to check on you left without realizing you were awake the entire night. Sharing stories about stupid professors and lecturers. How did it slip away?

I don't know what happened. All I know is that those days are gone and are probably never going to come back. All I know is that life left while I stayed.

Life is unbelievably simple. I even made a flow chart to explain it

Priorities.
|
V
Goals.
|
V
Ambitions.
|
V
Knowledge.
|
V
Understanding.
|
V
Accomplishment.
|
V
Death.

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