Ecstatic Failure

Think it over

If Only

rock_26iin | 08 December, 2007 02:18

If only throwing coins in a well served a purpose...


rock_26iin | 12 November, 2007 08:33

In my chase for you, I destroyed my dignity. In my love, for you I gave away my humility. I destroyed everything I held near and dear for you, and what did you give me in return? Nothing.

Now, I ask myself, was it worth it? Does your love actually cost more than my dignity? And the invariable, infallible answer i get is "FUCK NO!" Think for yourself, how much did I give you? How happy did I keep you? And was all of that worth it? Again, "FUCK NO!"

Then why? Why, every night before I say goodbye to consciousness, the last though I have is of you? Why do I dream of you as my bride? Why do I want to give you everything I have left? After you, who knew what I was going through, decided to be a heartless bitch to me?? WHY? God damn it, why?

I don't want to love you anymore. I don't want to think of you anymore....but I do. I want to rid myself of you, I want to cleanse my body of you, but I can't. I can't help but think of you. I can't help but want you. Even though I don't want to. I'm at war with myself and it only gets worse with every passing day.

Goodbye to you but I will return. I know I will even though I don't want to!


rock_26iin | 30 October, 2007 12:16 tough.

Goodbye My Lover

rock_26iin | 22 September, 2007 00:20

Life has been reasonably good to me, except one facet. This blog has been dedicated to that facet of my life and I thought it was over, but life just has this amazing uncanny ability to turn full circle and hit you in the face. And what I am left with is yet another bitter-sweet memory.....

I had the most amazing time of my life with you. It was the most gorgeous period of my life. And the effect that had on me when it ended was drastic. I changed a lot in a short period of time and had one goal in mind, to have you return. I know that person did stupid things but now I am returning to my usual, reasonably happy self. Though I am afraid that that me acted a little too horribly with you. Things just went downhill too much, too fast. And I have apologized but according to you things cannot go back to the way they were, though I honestly believe that they can.

I will still love you and I wish you find someone who will keep you happier than I could ever have. Though I honestly don't believe someone like that exists. I hope you find someone who will give you more than I ever could or would. And again, I don't believe such a person exists. All I want to say is, I hope you have a happy life ahead, with or without me. While I would definitely prefer it be with me, I cannot force you into something you do not want, can I?

The worst part of all this, is that I never as much as held you in my arms, never as much as kissed your lips, never caressed your face, never loved you the way I wanted to. Do I feel regret? Yes, I do. Do I still want you back? Yes, more than you realize. Will I keep you happy? Yes, more than you are willing to believe. But ultimately, I want to see you happy. Go ahead and have it without me, but just remember me once in a while. Just think about me and remember our time together and smile. Thats what I ultimately want from you, one smile. I know its not right to ask you to forget the things I did, but I will ask you anyway, don't remember the pain I caused but please remember the love I gave you.

Goodbye my lover. Take care of yourself and memories of me. I know I am doused in memories of you at the moment. I am going away but not moving on. I will never love someone the way I loved you. I will never let anyone know me the way you did and I will never know anyone the way I knew you. I love you and truly wish you all the best of luck for all your future endeavors. To me, you are still the sweetest part of my short life so far. And this is the bitter part, having to say goodbye. But as I said, I am returning to my normal self and accepting facts when they come my way.

Sleep in peace, wake with the morning sun knowing you are capable of winning the world. Wake knowing that there is one person whose heart will always be your home. And with that, go forth into the day, and destroy your worries and obstacles, and triumph over your greatest fears, troubles and tribulations. So what if we are a couple of thousand miles away? Love is more than just an emotion, it is something much stronger than just that...but I digress.

Final words to you my Queen, take care of Elysium, it is your responsibility now. I have renounced it and am walking the paths an ascetic. Ale and bread tastes sweeter when its won with physical labour. And labour does give direction to the pain. I will live through the memories of you. The Kingdom I am leaving in your care. Just make sure the King you pick is worthy of the throne. I haven't been for a while now and according to you, I should not return when I believe I am. And I will comply. I may send you tidings of my journeys and my feelings, please accept them and do not hate me for reminding you of me. You are still The Elysian Queen, though I am not the King anymore. My crown I place at your feet, my heart, though I cannot rip it out, in essence belongs to you. Take care of it for me.

"In my arms an angel lies
With luscious lips and gorgeous eyes
A soothing grace, a gentle touch
A heart that just loves SO much

In my arms an angel lay
But now she's gone far away
Far, far away..."

Just so you know, I will NEVER stop loving you.

Love you

Monkeys With Grease & Bears With Claws

rock_26iin | 20 September, 2007 04:07

So we end up randomly at Hector & Todd's house. Thusan's radiator is busted so Nuwan, Thusan and me get down to repairing his rad. Felt good to get into the engine of a car again, haven't done much to my Suzuki at home for a long time now. The rad just had a hole in it, nothing a piece of duct tape can't fix temporarily. He's gotta get a new rad though. Felt like a regular grease monkey though :D

And work. Wow, what a week at work, more and more extra shifts piling up. But so is the money in the bank ;). And burn marks on my hand piling up too. Well, I was distracted by S. Thoughts of her kept pouring out and she even turned up in the middle of my shift, smiling at me. :D

Got three vertical burn marks, one beside the other, making it look like a bear claw mark. PERFECT story to tell people since we were planning to go camping soon anyway. :D


rock_26iin | 18 September, 2007 04:09

The Elysian Queen has just committed suicide. We are all grieving her loss but now we are moving on.


rock_26iin | 07 May, 2007 09:18

What do you do when things donít work out? Especially when they were going so well initially, that you were sure it was going to happen exactly the way you planned. When it was a certainty but was made not to be by someone else. An acceptance that was later turned into a denial. Do you chase after it? Do you seek revenge? Do you let it go and lead your life the way you want to? What do you do when things have gone bad for so long you arenít sure they can be rectified anymore. Do you take the first steps towards friendship? Or hold on just to see if you can out-last the other person? And in the process lose one of your dearest friendsÖor at least what was one of your dearest friends, perhaps even more. Itís like taking a wrench to your heart, not even the regular kind, like the heavy duty ones your dad uses to fix the Hummer. One wrong move and everything can crumble to pieces. I donít know which path I am supposed to take. Iíve tried a few of them and none of them felt right. Just a song to soothe the pain:

Damaged Ė Plumb

Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairytale
I'm damaged, so how would I know?

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm shamed and I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Won't let anyone get close to me
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm shamed and I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

There's only for my soul
And undo this fear
Forgiveness for a man
Who was stronger
I was just a little girl
But I can't look back

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me


rock_26iin | 14 April, 2007 22:24

How can you expect me to be normal after the way you behaved? Do you expect me to act as if nothing happened? How can you expect what you did not to hurt? You never even tried to do anything to change the things you disliked. You never let me know, how could you expect me to change? How can I not be angry about it? How are you angry? You were the one who hurt me without even talking to me. You were the one who left. You made me stop caring for you. And that made you stop caring for me. So, now ask yourself, who triggered these events. Was it you or me? Who fucked up? Was it you or me? Who cared more for the other? YouÖor me? Why am I still wasting time over you? Why am I writing on this wasted piece of paper for you? I donít care anymore. You can do what you like, break whoís ever heart you want to. Only thing, donít use any more people. Because its not a very nice thing to do. Although, this comes only for revenge, I hope you get used one day, the way you used me. To learn what it feels like. To learn how much hurt goes through your veins, coursing like blood, touching every single cell of your existence, how that hurt changes to hate. I am a person to give people a second chance, but you blew yours on the very first and blew it big time. Thatís all thatís left to say. I hope you have that feeling once so you know what its like and wish you the best of luck for your future.

Will You?

rock_26iin | 26 March, 2007 15:41

The world was mine to give to you, but since you did not want it, I am keeping it for myself. I gave you nothing compared to what I was going to give to you. You took whatever I gave to you, decided to give some back, and took it all away, without realizing how much it meant to me. Now, youíve left my world, and after everything I did, I doubt you will return. But I want you to. I want you back in my life but I dare not ask you. Am I scared? Yes, a little. But more than that I am afraid I will say something again. I am afraid Iíll pull you too close and end up pushing you further away than I can handle. Does it hurt? Yes. Do I still think of you? Yes, on lonely nights, when people donít think too much, thatís when I think of you a lot. Will I ever touch you again? Will I ever spend a night with you again? Will I ever watch a movie with you again? Will I ever walk away from you again? I donít know the answers to most of these questions, but this time, if there ever is one, I promise I wonít walk away. Then again, will you ever give me the opportunity? People do make mistakes and I am nothing more than human. I am scared that I may have made way too many mistakes, way too quickly. I donít want to hurt you anymore, as much as I may have been hurt myself. I want you back in my life. I want you to be aware of my existence. As anything, as a friend, as an acquaintance. Is that too much to ask for? After all I did, it probably is. If it is, you will just remain a bitter-sweet memory. I can only hope things will change. And remember, hope is a good thing; maybe even the best of things and no good thing ever dies. So, I will live in the hope that maybe I will be able to call you a friend once again. Till then, I will let life take me wherever it wants to and wonder if you still think of me.


rock_26iin | 23 March, 2007 10:34

A lost maiden roaming the forests

A darkness cast by the glowing moon

What dark dangers does the forest hold

When the creatures of dark fully bloom

An eerie calm, a deadly prickle of hair

A presence of something silently sinister

A fragrance of lavenders, long squelched

A glowing anger at the uncalled visitor

A frantic flight, in search of safety

A rapid chase of increasing vehemence

A guiding spotlight of the indifferent moon

Lost in older worlds of its own remembrance

A tress caressed by gnarled fingers

A piece of cloth left on curved claws

Run does she, to the edges of fortitude

Followed by, hungry jaws

An attack in the marshes

Two bodies collide with the ground

Devoured is her glowing flesh

From the night, there is no sound

A tragic end to a lovely life

That came and passed too soon

The maiden was you, the beast was I

Now I stare at the indifferent moon.

I Will...

rock_26iin | 21 March, 2007 14:43

Torment me as much as you will
I will not break before you
Take me down with you stillness
I will not succumb to you

Let me drown in memories past
I will not take the pill of guilt
Shoot me down with the morning star
I will not break the edifice I built

Break my bones with words unsaid
I will not waver from where I stand
Rope me in with silence still
I will wait for the promised land

Walk away from my fragmented heart
I will walk my ways without you
Turn around and leave my abode
I will pass my days without you

Scream silently to the breaking dawn
I will wake without you
Walk along with the lonesome moon
I will live without you

Pretend to the world, I donít exist
I will do the same to you
Destroy my insides, with silent will
I will do the same for you

Hate me for all I did
I will never hate you
Sleep without thinking of me
I will never forget you

Tear away small pieces of me
I will never hurt you
Drain what is left, out of me
I will never touch you

Bleed my flesh of all its purity
I will fill it up again
Suck the nectar out of my life
I will be born again

Leave me stranded on a desolate land
I will find my way
Caress my skin, to rip it apart
I will shed it all away

Let me choke on your indifference
I will learn to breathe again
Strip me of all my humility
I will never feel you again

Pour your acid, all over me
I will cleanse myself with it
Spite me, for all eternity
I will learn to live with it

Remember me, remember what I was
I will never come again
Forget me, forget what I am
I will never change again

Laugh away, whatever I said
I will not care again
Weep away, whatever I did
I will not love again

A Bitter-Sweet Memory

rock_26iin | 13 March, 2007 10:38

Go ahead. Erase me from your memories. Let time fade me away so I never return again. We soon part ways and it will become easier. For you, at least. What about me? Where do I take the broken fragments of my heart you so graciously handed to me? What do I do? I cannot erase you so easily. I donít think I can erase you. I told you that you will always be remembered as someone special in my life and so you will. And I want to remember you as such. But how do I see past the heartbreak? How do I let everything go?

My life was a beautiful place when you walked into it. And you made it better. Now when you are leaving it, it looks like a tornado went through it. You can say that you never felt anything for me; you can even believe that you never felt anything for me, but does that make it true? If we were allowed to make everything we believed in come true, the world would be a very, very different place.

Itís a bitter-sweet feeling watching you walk away. Itís bitter because I know now, that whatever small bond we had, however fragmented, has now completely snapped. And its sweet to see you go ahead and live your life the way you want to. I am still standing here and will be for some time, if you decide to return but I will eventually walk away. And you will remain but a memory. A bitter-sweet memory.

After all the heartbreak, after all the scars, after everything, Iím still standing here. Doesnít that mean anything to you?...Then again, Iím just using the power of guilt now. You believe that we never had anything and I believe we could have had everything. So, we take our own beliefs and leave each other forever. You erase me and I live through memory.


rock_26iin | 24 February, 2007 15:46

Ever wonder how you can sit in a room full of people, people you know, and still be encased in solitude. You do everything, go through the ropes, do everything you can to help everyone,look out for them only to end up wondering whoís looking out for you? You wake up every morning, do your chores, do your job, have fun with the people you know, have fun with people you donít know, and still end up in the night, with a coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other, pondering the meaning of lifeÖeternally encased in your own head. How do you live with something like that? Would you give it all up, to have one person close enough to talk to? Would you let go of everything, just to know that there is someone there, waiting for you, wanting to talk to you, wanting to know what you feel? I would.


rock_26iin | 22 February, 2007 13:50

A lonely star shone that night
Casting a silver light on us
I saw your breath wander
In the space that divided us

I watched a golden lock
Spread itself across your face
I watched as you moved it away
Watched the path your fingers traced

We sat in a silence
Too dynamic for me to break
Words held no more meaning
A single look was all it would take

A touch was enticing
But what it might do, I feared
The bond was so delicate
I still needed you near

I walked away from you
Hid myself in my own shame
Never looked back too
Though I knew it wasn't the same

Time changed a lot of things
We were never the same again
Then winter slowly dawned
I stood silently in the rain

You made your choices
And I made some of my own
You never understood mine
And I never understood your own

We chose separate paths
I resigned myself silently
I walked by myself
Faced the world defiantly

Now, we've gone too far on separate roads
And that old crossroad has returned
And I know I still feel the same way
And this time, you chose to walk away

All these words I've said
And you still don't care
I know no way to change that
Into the lonely night sky
I quietly stare

I know nothing else to say
To make you stay this time
All I can do is wonder
If we will ever be "fine"

People are crazy, At times are strange

rock_26iin | 13 February, 2007 11:27

Off late, "some" people think I have been acting rude and stuff but they don't realize what makes me act like this was their own doing. However, I chanced upon a quote that truly described what I thought, it was more of an epiphany. So here it is:

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived"
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