This Post Wont Open, Try F5 to Refresh!!
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 27 June 2005, 9:27pm
My computer is a whole lot of garbage collected and warmed into a steaming pile of shit. Seriously, it's like 60K for a flappable box, only that the box is populated with a CPU, a few shiny things, and a drunken jird...and the drunken jird runs the show. Over the years, my computer has caused me an inordinate amount of uncontrollable rage and heartache, more than any, and I'm including girls, Americans, the last half hour of "A Walk to Remember," and the current state of F1 combined. It's awful... How does it piss me off? Well let me count the ways: - The sound card just sucks: If I run too many programs, the sound will actually start skipping. So when I'm listening to "Mr.Lonely", I have to put up with "lllllonnnannananellyy I'm ssssssoooosssoooo lllllllonnnnannanananely..." It's worser than few of those DJ's at the local dance bars! - All that wireless shit: My computer has wireless everything: mouse, keyboard, internet...it's extraordinary. And I know it sounds cool. Good for all those times, when I want to check my stock stats on a day when the market touched an all-time high and my portfolio touched an all-time low, sixty feet away from my laptop. But I've finally discovered the dirty little secret of wireless. "Wireless" is Latin for "Might work, Might not." I'm not kidding, if any kids are reading, wireless is to consistent as inconsistent is to consistent. I swear! - Speaking of wireless I could not have missed mentioning the wireless router that goes with my Internet. This in my humble opinion is the technological equivalent of Marxist interpretation on trade laws and Common Minimum Program (at least I am told so). I sometimes feel that the cobbler (who has finally settled down under our apartments) could devise a better router with his set of tools and old boots!!! Seriously, I've had people take me off their address books because they are sick of me constantly being signed in and off in YAHOO. It's not fair. My Internet is costing me friendships, and that's not including those perverted-drunk-offline messages. Sorry guys. Please put me back on your buddy list... - Random websites won't open: I love this. I'm trying to access tubgirl.com so that I can have something interesting to entertain me during dinner, and all I get is that famed "Cannot reach server" nonsense, or H404 (or some shit like that), which is computer code for "You wasted 60k!" Speaking of "Cannot reach server" I love the troubleshooting tips they give you. Step 1. Try clicking refresh Step 2. That didn't work? Well, you're shit out of luck. - The freezing thing: It isn't bad enough here during the winter and the temperatures never dips into freezing levels. But my computer is intelligent; it compensates and freezes, only it's idea of freezing is to plumb stop working. Then, you try Ctrl-Alt-Delete, the Gita-Bible-Khuran of computer troubleshooting. But at times that doesn't even work, so you very calmly take out that little Lithium-Ion shit from the bottom and place it back. (Just like Business as usual!!) - Those random bugs: Actually, this is quite interesting. My Winamp currently has this weird bug where it randomly picks a song upon startup, but here's the crazy thing: it always picks a great song, and I have like 1400 songs. So, in essence, my computer has the same musical taste I do. After all I guess it's not so bad...
Current Mood: Confused
Current Music: Zion - Fluke
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Take me drunk, Im home!
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 8 June 2005, 3:03pm
Mother nature always, inevitably seems to come out on top. She consistently finds a way to make everything balance out, and a perfect example is 'The Hangover'. Why can't we get sloshed at night, and then feel great the next morning? Why couldn't the morning-after a wasted night be something (read: anything) other than sickness, dizziness, and an absolute inability to remember something (read: anything) from the night before? For example, why couldn't things like strength, enthusiasm, great hair, and an ability to see the future happen? Can you imagine that? Oh Man!
But it doesn't happen, Momma Nature ain't that stupid. The hangover is the one thing that makes us think twice about really whacking out our brains 'coz we all know the simple math equation:
Really good times + Lots of alcohol = Really bad (read: f**** up) times + Lots of regret.
C'mon, I didn't have to take Advanced Operational Research as my elective to figure that one out. Though I did take OR and was surprised to learn they teach it there too.
And of course, I personally believe that the worst hangovers are the ones when you have something (read: anything) important to do in the morning. Mine was when my aunt and cousin sisters were coming to visit me in the evening all my good luck for the year expired as they turned up early in the morning. It doesn't matter how 'cool' your parents/relatives are, you just don't usually want them to see you hunched over a bathtub with your hair messed up (and no pants on). You don't generally overhear your Dad bragging.. "Man, Am I proud of my boy! Look at him bowing down to the toilet in perfect form! We did groom him up well."
So when they arrived at my apartment, I took several steps to avoid looking hungover. I put the eye drops in, wore a Ferrari cap down low, drank a lot of water (and curd), brushed my teeth for three straight hours. And I thought I was doing a pretty good job until they decided to take me out to a 'south Indian special breakfast'. A loaded plate of various green/white/yellow chutneys ghee-coated dosas etc. are probably the last thing you want to see five hours after collapsing in a heap on your bed with no feeling left in your tongue and the room spinning violently around you faster than 'mother earth'.
I for sure, did get a hangover despite trying every anti-hangover trick in the book. (It's a short book because nobody feels like reading when they're wrecked.) Every other friend of yours will definitely have a unique 'fool-proof' way to avoid hangovers. Some say, take Vitamin C before you go to bed. Some say, drink lots of water. Some say, eat lots of fiber and make out with a leprechaun just before he sits down for lunch. Everybody has a different technique. I've even had the fortune of having friends who tell me to drink a beer in the morning. I swear you'll always have someone saying, "Man, I know it sounds ridiculous. I know it sounds irrational, but it weally rorks. When you wake up tomorrow's morning, chug a beer, and you won't eee hungover atall." That person is probably one hundred percent right
Current Mood: Itching For One
Current Music: Run - Collective Soul
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A futile attempt at sensitivity
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 20 May 2005, 8:29pm
About three years ago, I lost a friend in an accident. Well, I wasn't the only one who lost him. A whole bunch of living people lost him, including his other friends and family. He was easily the funniest human being I ever met, and the thing is, he never really knew it. I guess people all over the world loved to hang out with him; many cops let him slide without tickets; girls let him into their lives (and pants) quicker than even he could believe. He was just, for lack of a better term, lively. He was the kind of guy who, upon his arrival at a party, could lift the mood of a room full of people. When he entered a room, you could just feel the "Cool, Sid's here" vibe throughout the party. He was that much fun.
Anyway, he's dead.
The other day, I had dinner with his mother, a woman who had genetically handed-off to Sid his smile and wit. She's always been a great lady, always pushing me with my writing and comedy and telling me (unlike my family and friends) not to waste my time with a career but to have fun spreading (what she considers to be) my "gift" throughout the world. After we finished our dessert, she removed an almost shredded piece of folded paper from her bag and gave it to me. I read it at the table and I damn near cried. Then I read it again and I laughed my ass off. It was a note written to me (that I never received) back when Sid and I used to share a room together.
Anyway, without any further ado...I'll try to get Sid's letter up in here.
Dear Abi-
We
Current Mood: Sad
Current Music: Complicated - Avril Lavigne
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A Procrastinators Official Guide of "Being Effective While Being Lazy"
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 3 May 2005, 2:37am
It's about this time of year that people start to get worn down and stressed out because its hot and getting hotter. I believe one reason for the annual stress 'epidemic', other than not knowing which tree to plant for Gandhi Jayanthi, is that people try to do to much. People don't know how to take it easy and drift along anymore. Everywhere I look; I see people on the verge of a nervous breakdown, some reason ot the other
Current Mood: Preachy
Current Music: zzzzz.......
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Matinee
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 22 April 2005, 8:04pm
Summertime is a wonderful time of year where families all over the world get together to celebrate togetherness like it was Christmas or something. Unless you're in one of those whacky and weird hemispheres like the Northern Hemisphere where all the seasons are reversed and the toilets flush backwards and people get eaten by polar bears on the way home from school. At least, that's what I hear from other people who, like me, have never visited that particular hemisphere because it's really, really far. I mean, it might as well be on Neptune or something, because I hear these days interplanetary travel is more convenient and hassle-free than a trip to the Northern Hemisphere. Anyway, here's what happened:
-If you're a clean, neat and sensible 'family' guy (and I know you're not) you probably think that going to a movie with your family on a weekend is a wholesome and fun-filled thing to do. This is true, provided that the year is 1956 and the family you're going with isn't mine. If you do not fall into one or both of these criteria, the movie-going experience will be a terrible one akin to being locked in a concentration camp with Rowan Atkinson. Whatever happened to that guy? I haven't seen him in anything since "Johnny English", where he played the 'unscrupulous' detective; laughing the ass out of everyone who dared to even walk by the movie halls that played it. Is he dead or something?
-The existence and well-being of crappy comedians aside, I thought I'd warn you that if you have the guts to go to a movie with your aunt (heretofore referred to as "my aunt") and her little kids and (to add to the misery as if this wasn't enough) my own little brother, be prepared to be the only family at the theatre. Families don't go to movies anymore. Now only guys (and girls..of course)on dates go to movies. And the guy, attempting to impress his zit-encrusted girlfriend who's wearing a "Stop Staring at my Chest" or "Site Under Construction" baby doll t-shirt, will laugh and point at you as you walk into the mega-multiplex with your aunt, her kids and brother as if in a tow. If you live in a particularly unrelenting neighborhood (like my native city) then the guy may even throw a few kernels of popcorn at you as you walk by. But my Aunt will be completely oblivious to all of this, because we're GOING TO A MOVIE; GODDAMN IT!! AND WE'RE GONNA ENJOY OURSELVES EVEN IF IT KILLS US. Ah, Summer!
-Many people may have noticed that the cost of purchasing a meal at a movie theatre is often comparable to the cost of constructing a major suspension bridge across Brahmaputra. However, if you are dumb enough to go to a movie with your family, you are probably dumb enough to pay Rs 25/- for a bag of cold, stale popcorn. I bet some theatre executive got paid a lot of money to come up with this brilliant marketing strategy: "Hey, if we charge more money at theatres, we make more money!" We must find this theatre executive (I'm sure he'll have his name embedded in the pack, somewhere)and bludgeon him to death with his own Nobel Prize in Economics..
-After spending your next year's whole salary on food; that even homeless people would think twice about before eating; for the 'little' brother, you will proceed into the theater proper. There, your family, into which you were praying, you were adopted, will insist on sitting in the front row. Now, here's the thing: 10 years ago, the front row was a coveted theatre position. That's because all the seats were directly behind each other, like you were on some kind of bus, and if someone who was over 4'7" sat anywhere in front of you; you would lose approximately 50% of the total viewing area. And back then, let me tell you, viewing areas were a lot smaller. The TV in my den is bigger than what a movie screen was when I was a kid. Boy, those were the days. When things were done right and you could get a glass of nice non-flavored mango juice for a rupee. Never mind.
-Now that I've effectively finished up writing the rather unstructured rant part of the blog, I wanted to tell you that modern theatres no longer cherish the front seats. Modern theatres implement what's known as "stadium seating", which means that the back row is 400 feet up, directly in front of (and often blocking) the projector, while the front row is no more than 3.5 inches from the actual screen. But my brother wanted to sit in the front row, which was cool, because it meant that while the movie was going on I could actually see the characters' individual DNA strands.
-Remember when you were little and you went to the movies and before the movie started you just kind of patiently stare at a blank screen for a half hour like some sort of a monk? Well, the movie industry decided that people were getting bored, so they decided to put something on the screen for you to gaze at before the movie starts. This is, of course, a PowerPoint slideshow for a Honda Accord. Oh boy! That's so much better than a blank screen! Do you know what a PowerPoint slideshow looks like from the front row of a movie theatre? Remember 'Asteroids'?
-Quote of the Moment: A guy comes up to an empty seat beside me, asks "Is this seat taken?". I say "No". He says "Of course it isn't! It's in the front row!" Then he walks off, laughing maniacally, no doubt to go make out with his date. Hey, girls love a guy with a sense of humor. I should know; I read about it in one of the Friday supplements.
-The average movie is two hours long. That's twenty minutes of movie, and an hour forty minutes of previews. There will come a time, mark my words, when people will pay 50 bucks a head, to just sit down and watch previews for the entire two hours, without even having the pretense of a movie to see. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. I'm just saying "Be ready"!
-At some point during the movie, your brother is going to have to go to the bathroom. Maybe it's because his bladder's too small. Maybe it's because he just drank 6 liters of watered-down coke. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. Whatever be the reason, you're going to have to get up and miss a good portion of the movie standing outside a bathroom stall looking like a registered sex offender despite the fact that your brother is fifteen years old, because your aunt, who is, in no offense, quite overprotective, will not have it any other way. That's OK, though; You're probably only missing the previews.
-As I left the theatre, family in tow, of course, I realized I was probably being a little immature. I mean, sure, it's embarrassing hanging out with my aunt, her two kids and my little brother on a weekend. And sure, all the tough neighborhood guys with their dates will probably beat me up the next time they see me, but Gosh Darn it, I'm twenty-five odd years old and I can be pardoned for doing something nice with my family every now and then.
And, hey, I know hanging out with your family isn't 'cool' or 'hip to the groove', but neither is writing over 1500 words complaining about it...
Current Mood: Heroic
Current Music: Tales of Brave Ulysses - Cream
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Wear Your Attitude..Really!?!?!?
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 8 April 2005, 10:03pm
Help!! I'm all surrounded by fashion elitists!! According to them, I am to fashion what Donald Trump is to hair. I walk among these elitists, talk with them daily, eat with them, drink with them, even inhabit in the same dwellings as they do. They are my friends and I am the fashion enemy.
The elitists I speak of don't come from the high-class fashion districts of Paris or NY; not even from the brazen Bombay fashion scene. I'd like to say that they mean well, but what they mean is far from well. They stand for all that is evil and uncomfortable with their odd shaped wide-for-feet shoes and their skin-tight torn and oily t-shirts. Most of my crimes of fashion these days, like the failure to know the difference between casual jeans and dressed up jeans, are of the forgivable kind. Accordingly, the elitists insult me in a joking, friendly manner. Had they known me before; in my college days, I guess; a friendship would've been impossible.
School Days - Sweating it Out
I've got a history of bad fashion choices dating back to elementary school when I fought my Mom daily on outfit choices. I was miserably proclaimed to be the one (in the family of 8 school going kids; include my cousins here!) who refuse to wear anything that even resembled 'neat', Nothing really mattered; the color, the style, the shades, the state of the buttons...Nothing! My poor Mom never ever had a chance to get me into those unheard of things called jeans, acid-washed for whose pleasure I don't know. I also used to sport some kind of gargantuan, shade glasses that spanned my brow to the middle of my nose. I still refute the claim that these frames were my choice, mainly because the sun glasses were the root of my everlasting emotional scars. It's possible they're even the cause of my unfashionable style today. At that point, it didn't matter what I wore because all anyone noticed was the huge alien force that had landed and taken over my face. I was a hopeless wreck.
Middle School - Neon to Normal
With my glasses far behind me, I started off middle school with high hopes for a new reputation. I remember my first day of sixth grade well. I had more than enough things in my mind; forget about choosing out of brown or blue shirts . Finally some white trash that I picked up to wear had 'gone out of fashion at least 10 years ago' according to my cousin. In eighth grade I began hanging around with the "elite" clique and started dressing normal for a while. But normalcy was just the brief phase before "gangster."
College - G-Funk Era
My gangster phase came with its own line of floor-scrapping, baggy Jyncos that were always at least three sizes too big, a variety of No Fear t-shirts, and 'cool' shoes. The clothes and the attitude lasted into my Inter days when I realized that girls didn't like guys who looked and acted smarter than they did. I attempted normalcy once again but faltered occasionally as in the day when I wore two completely different shoes and failed to notice for the major part of the day. From then on I thought I had it together but the elitists continue to accuse and prosecute me for fashion crimes.
After College, at Work - Guilty as Charged
It's painful getting ready for a day out with the elitists. My first choice of any outfit is always a no-go, sealed by a disgusted look and the simple phrase, "No." A shirt change is the most frequently suggested provision, so I venture back to try again. I grab a more daring piece: To my dismay the elitists were "never a big fan of Reds" Now I'm too tired to try anymore so I go with a basic, pre-approved blue v-neck with a black jeans. The boring, predictable, and most importantly, safe choice.
If I've got any nice shoes, it invariably is because of some accident (refer the post that describes SHI for more details). I used to pry over various footwear stores day-in-day-out and finally manage to buy one that was 'decent' looking according to me, and present them proudly to prove my attempt at improving my fashion sense, only to be told that I've got a characteristic "grandpa style" to my shoe choice.
"My uncle would love those shoes. In fact, he probably has a pair of the exact same ones!" one elitist proclaimed. I couldn't argue because my uncle loved them, too; he was the one who suggested I get them. To me, "grandpa/uncle style" is better than forcing my foot into something so dangerously designed it may mould my foot into a legitimate weapon.
I also don't understand the whole matching thing. I'm forbidden to wear anything but black shoes with a black jeans. Why?! How can I be expected to constantly change shoes bcoz my jeans have started fading. And who said navy or midnight blue can't go with black? Half the time I can't even tell the difference between black and midnight blue because it's midnight, and everything's dark anyway. Belts can really get ridiculous. The whole premise of a belt is to keep your pants up, right? Not only does the belt have to match the shoes and the pants, but it needs to be exact, scientifically exact. If my belt happens to be a little darker than my shoes, the whole outfit's a joke to the elitists. But I wear it anyway.
As I continue to defy the laws of fashion I can't help but wonder if I'm really so deviant. The elitists are the ones spending all their money on clothes, constantly revamping their wardrobe. They are the ones that must stay on top of the trends, never satisfied with their current attire.
No thanks, I'll just keep the shoe on the same foot.
Current Mood: Confused
Current Music: I am still alive...
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You Drive me Crazy...
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 24 March 2005, 2:54pm
Half the population can't drive.
Seriously, I even wonder whether it's an epidemic. Too many people in this country cannot drive. And yet they continue to drive. The Government keeps issuing them licenses, and insurance companies keep cleaning the mess up. When you think about it, auto insurance companies are quite brilliant. They're basically profiting from stupidity. And if there's one commodity in India that's guaranteed to be always in supply, in abundance, it's stupidity.
I don't have a problem with it, but people really show their idiot mettle on the road. Allow me an anecdote here. I was driving from my home to my work. According to human calculations and it's a 45 minute drive. To be at work by 11am, I left at 9.45am, giving me an extra 30 minutes of leeway, and taking "traffic" into account.
Now.
When I say "taking traffic into account," I mean like if a truck full of pigs tips over into another truck full of chicken, and state police has to come by to figure it all out. But real traffic often gets all too confused with idiots who have never known what an indicator is, which lane to be in, where to take turn and where not to, or have any concept of speed control.
I can't bear children. Women can't drive. Nobody's perfect. Accept it.
Anyway, I didn't get to work until 11.20am. There was traffic all the way through, all right, but no pigs, no chicken. Nothing. Just stupidity. Though I did close to 80kmph at times (and 'am considered to be an expert at hobbin' and weavin'). Regardless, I was late, and my boss didn't accept "Fucking assholes on the road" as an excuse for tardiness.
But, as always I am the one for ideas. So I've compiled a list of "main road vermin" who need to get off our city roads and highways.
Unacceptable Drivers:
1. Women. This isn't meant to be funny. And this isn't meant to be all cute and sexist. Women cannot drive. I know a lot of women. None of them, except one, can drive (I keep telling her, exceptions prove the rule!). They have no concept of speed control. No concept of moving over, picking a lane, or making it through lights without creating a havoc for people behind. I know a lot of women reading this are getting their vocabulary skill horned up. Quit Driving. I can't bear children. You can't drive. Nobody's perfect. Accept it.
2. Old people. I've had it up to here with old people. They think they run the supermarket. They cannot cannot drive. In particular those short old women who can't see over the wheel (old and female-double whammy!) l!
3. Immigrants packed in a car / jeep / truck from the adjacent village on a major sight seeing spree across the city. Don't you just hate this? 97 members of the village head family just made it across the border, have some goofy flag draped across, chickens, cows and all the households tied to the roof, and they are all doing about 7 kmph down the busy main road at 10am.
4. Anyone driving a lamberrta or a Premier Padmini. If I have to explain this, you probably can't read anyway.
5. Auto-Ricks. Self-Explanatory..The most unfortunate invention ever!
6. Seven-Seaters: Ugh, the incestual cousin of the auto-rick, equally, or may be more harmful for a normal driver!
7. Families. For the record, despite the fact Dad is probably driving, I don't blame him. You got 'Mom' in the passenger side trying to navigate with all the composure of Muhammad Ali in a Jenga competition, and you got the 2.5 children in the backseat yelling, hitting each other, throwing things. Dad's just trying to maintain speed so he doesn't lose his damn mind and veer into a wall, just for some peace. I say we should make all family vacations illegal. The poor Dad has to work 60 hours a week, and put up with this on his long weekend? How is this any worse than raping someone?
Now, some people I don't mind on the road.
Acceptable Drivers
1. Men. You knew that already.
2. Teenagers. A lot of people hate teen drivers. I've got no problem with them. They drive fast. They don't think before acting (hence making traffic move very smoothly).
3. Drunk drivers. Here we go. Cue "A drunk driver killed my best friend, boo hoo!" I love drunk drivers. I am fully supportive of getting sloshed and driving down the highway. First of all, we need a little excitement in our lives. Second, everything is made exponentially more entertaining with the inclusion of alcohol, especially driving. And driving drunk is fun anyway. Come on, who doesn't love a challenge?
That's about it, and since I don't have any grandiose way to end things, here are some lyrics you might enjoy:
"Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need commission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative...."
Current Mood: Crude
Current Music: I really really want you to see me..So baby dont trun off the lights :-)
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Trrriiinnnngggg....Trrriiinnnngggg..Helloo??
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 4 March 2005, 8:46pm
In every group of friends, there is always one cell phone hater. Someone who has despised cell phones with all his might since the day of their cursed, most shittily-manufactured, highly overpriced and more-trouble-than-it's-worth inception. That person is not me. I swear!
Inevitably, this person also has a cell phone. Now I guess I've to admit that I am this person that we are discussing about. I, of course do own one of those little ringing bastards, that promises 'Connecting People'; but trust me they often do a better job of disconnecting people. At most times; I am a walking analogy for every group of friends. But I don't consider this hypocrisy for two reasons. One, there are a lot of products I despise & scorn but still use anyways; one-ply toilet paper, dryers, automatically flushing sinks, women, unflushed urinals...just to name a few of them & the list goes on! And two, I have successfully convinced myself that a cell phone is just another cordless phone with an infinite range. Ok..fine, I'm might just have appeared to be a highly imaginative misogynist with a pungent distaste for public restrooms. But the point is, why do I yearn for a phone with a camera? (How...ironic.)
Who, on earth, decides what should be the latest feature for every brand's latest phone anyway? Is it the same asshole who decided that boot-cut black jeans will be back in style, causing me to buy a couple of them in the off season sale when faded dirt stains were also back in swing? Because that person still owes me a personal apology from 2001. Mainly because black jeans do not hold on to dirt stains easily, and also because I now have several 256-pixel-resolution embarrassing moments caught on more than ten different phone cameras and e-mailed to at least 25 address books by now. I particularly resent the one where I looked like an alien in the middle of a crowded hotel elevator. I mean seriously, those kinds of pictures need a caption. Who's with me on this one? A couple of 'address books raise their hands'?!?!? Damn all of you, especially those of you with Gmail accounts capable of holding my entire embarrassing camera phone collection.
I'm already struggling to think of the latest new feature that got added on a phone before the ambiguously-functional antenna.... Was it the multi-color screen display that cuts battery life in half essentially confining your phone to the wall (worthless)? Or the digital-glowing analog clock? Perhaps it was the combination of the two, where the digital-glowing analog clock with permanent backlight display drains enough battery to turn your phone into a wall clock requiring an AC adaptor connected to it all the time. Either way, it's enough to make me keep shopping around to find a phone that actually has both of these features, plus a 256-pixel camera, a purported built-in antenna, and the ability to leave my home/car for three hours without needing to recharge. Oh, and of course, they have to 'PROMISE' me that they will let me wait 'TWO FULL YEARS' (at least) before I can upgrade to one additional useless feature without paying more than a new Ford Fusion+, incidentally also known as "regular price."
Of course, I am partly to blame for almost all of the physical deformations and technological dysfunctionalities that have plagued my cell phones over the years. I have combed the Nokia website many times and never found a place where it advises dropping their NOKIA 2210 into a glass of hot milk while watching Schuey kick some ass at N
Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: Original Prankster - OffSpring
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I hope I never had to go thru all of these!!
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 26 February 2005, 6:45am
- Awkward Situations.. Do you ever start out whispering to someone, like in the library or in the class or in a movie hall for example, and then realize that there's so much background noise that you have to start doing a "yell-whisper" just so the other person can hear you? And then at some point, one of you decides to "break the whisper" and talk normally. Then you both feel like idiots for having whispered for so long, so you make awkward jokes about why the hell you were whispering. - College days.. In your college days have you ever gotten an exam or paper back from a professor and it has one grade crossed out or scribbled through and another grade written next to it? What the hell is that?! So then it's like "What the hell happened HERE? Was the other one higher or lower? Hey, is that an "A" under the scribbling?? It better NOT be!!" And what on earth would make a professor write one grade and then suddenly decide to change it?! From now on, I'm going to impose the "once you pick up your pen, you can't take it back" rule. Right after I impose the "A for effort" rule. - Domestic Issues.. When we changed our apartment recently, we fired the cook who made lunch and dinner for our fraternity because she made shitty food. What we didn't take into consideration is that leaving hunger decision-making to a group of 6 fraternity guys (Yes, we were 8 when WTC happened!!) is not exactly a practical move. Our food budget was promptly spent on a two-week supply of pizzas and Top Ramen Noodles. That's two weeks in real-person eating terms. Placing a mountain of anything remotely tasty in front of a large group of hungry nomads is like asking a pack of rabid wild wolves to share a piece of flesh and put the leftovers back in the refrigerator for tomorrow. It just doesn't happen (unless the wolves were particularly full from an earlier meal and there happened to be a wild refrigerator around). - Back to Awkward Situations.. Sneezing in public can be a complicated situation. First, there's the question of what to do if somebody sneezes once and nobody says "God bless you". Usually, you either feel like an asshole for expecting someone else to do it, or you just pretend like you didn't hear it or you're not religious or something. If the person sneezes twice, though, somebody has to say it. If there's a third sneeze, someone has to make the "Gosh, are you OK?!" joke. But then, when someone sneezes four times, it's like "What the heck, I'm not going to say fucking bless you again! You've got your sympathy, now shut up!!" Not to mention the fact that quadruple-sneezes are highly dangerous. - Failed Hookup Quote I saw this guy dancing all night with a girl he met during our boss' birthday party: While we were about to wind up he says: "I couldn't think of anything better than to take you home with me tonight, nor would I think of anything more." I'm not sure if this is the guy being hopelessly romantic or just hopelessly ambiguous. - How I wish.. I always hate it when people ask me to borrow a pen. No matter how hard I tell myself to remember to get it back, it never happens. Basically, when someone asks me to borrow a pen now, I comply with "Damn You %^$#()@#*%! That's the fifth time I've been hit today! Could you give us a few moments alone first?" - Another wish... I think as long as everyone else is getting a cell phone, my cell phone should also get one too. Those ringers just aren't good enough anymore because the beeping sound is usually muffled by a 4-foot pile of clothes and other junk that I kept accumulating all the way. I actually need to CALL my cell phone and ask it where the hell it's hiding in my room. Of course, I'd have to borrow the phone from someone else; just to call it and ask where it is, so maybe it's pointless. But wouldn't it be funny if you called it one time and got it's voice mail? "Hi, you've reached your cell phone. Please leave a message and I'll call you back on myself. Hahahaha!! You'll never find me!" Sometimes my friends will say something to me that starts with either "Don't let me forget to..." or "remind me to...". These are absolutely the two most worthless phrases in everyday conversation. If my brain had any additional capacity to remember extra information, it would certainly start with more important things like going to office in time or how much I've to pay to my ever-growing credit card debt, not helping other people with daily tasks. - Girlfriend Guys... Everybody knows at least one "girlfriend guy." These are the guys who you could introduce to your friends and just go ahead and introduce their girlfriend too, even if she's not around. These guys will almost always speak in terms of their girlfriend, even when not prompted to. Like this one time I casually made conversation by asking this guy what he was up to and he said, "Well, my girlfriend hasn't called me back yet, so I'm not sure." What the hell are you supposed to say to that?! It's like, "Oh, Well, let her know I called, and maybe we can finish the conversation when she gets back to you" Meanwhile you hope in despair to meet someone who didn't forget to pick up their social skills from their girlfriend's bedroom. - Names...More Names... While in your college have you ever met someone from class and become pretty good "campus friends" only to find out that after you are out of college (like 3 months afterwards) that neither of you knows the other person's name? At that point, it's too late for either one of you to ask, so you have to have this special friendship where no sentence requires the use of each other's name. And any time it appears a third party is about to enter the conversation, you have to say "Ok, well, I have to get going man" because heaven forbid the weirdness of your special friendship should be exposed by having to do an introduction. Speaking of not knowing names, don't you hate it when people you meet at your work will find out which college are you from and then start asking you if you know certain people from your college? They'll get all excited and shit like, "Oooohh, ooohh, do you know [someone you don't know, have probably never seen, and will never care about]?!! Actually, he's a fresher, so you wouldn't know him, but what about [someone who's in your batch, but you obviously still don't know]?!!" I'm like, "No, I've never heard of them, but maybe if you ask me about another one of the 2,500 people at my college I'll get really annoyed and start asking you if you know this one guy in my college who's name I still can't figure out."
Current Mood: Itching For One
Current Music: Im still alive!
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A Phrase Im Tired Of Already
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 22 February 2005, 8:21pm
I hope you're all set and ready for another trip down 'Memory Lane', geographically located two blocks down the 'Know Your Role' Lane. Did you get it? That's what the WWF Superstar "The Rock" used to say before they got royally sued by the World Wildlife Federation and had to change their name to the WWE and totally sold out.
It's funny because it references the past!
The past...
-Back then, I used the word "ironic" all the time, even when it was clearly the wrong word to use. I'd say shit like, "Ironically, I was late today." And, "Ironically, I like butterscotch." Now I never use the word, because I don't really understand it and I'm pretty sure every usage is incorrect. It's all because of that goddamn song! Whenever life goes sour, I blame Alanis [Alanis Morissette].
-Back then, my favorite singer of all time was George Michael. Then someone told me that he was a gay, so now I'm not allowed to like him or HIS SONGS, because let's face it, I'm all man. I don't like the fact that homosexuals can just co-opt a song or a movie or any artwork and make it gay in the process. Where does it stop?
-Back then, I couldn't fathom how someone could become a stalker. Did they just wake up one morning and buy a telescope and a lawn chair so they could be more comfortable sitting in the shrubbery outside someone's bathroom window? Also, is there even one stalker story that ended well? Like, "I watched her sleep every night for three months, and now we're married!" Has that ever happened? Okay, that didn't really have anything to do with "back then..." but I really needed to let that out.
-Back then, I was really good at video games. I could play Mario without falling into the bottomless chasm of infinity OR accidentally touching a Goomba. No longer. If I try to play a video game now, the little man I'm controlling kills himself within three seconds of the start of the game. If he cannot find a molten lava pit to jump into, sometimes my little man brings along some virtual cyanide capsules just to be sure that I never get farther in any video game than the part that asks you to enter your name (I call myself "Alwayz Great").
-Back then, I used to actually BUY things. Like if a CD came out from a band I liked, I would go to the store and pay actual money I stole out of somewhere in exchange for music, rather than just getting it for free on the Internet. Or if there was a movie coming out on video, I would go all the way over to the shop and pay them for the privilege of watching the movie instead of just sitting at my computer and downloading it and then, 876 hours later, watching some German woman have sex with a Donkey in a grainy AVI file mistakenly labeled "The Incredibles." All that seems so silly now.
-Back then, my friends and I could keep each other entertained for hours just by spitting or hitting each other. Now we have Satellite TV, three video game cube systems (all of which I suck at), cars, and an almost unlimited supply of money, and still the number one phrase all of us always use is: "I'm bored, what do you want to do now?" Also, I can no longer answer anybody by spitting (or hitting) at them without getting my ass kicked.
-Back then, I was told by parents, teachers, and obese social workers that I should stay away from drugs and alcohol because if I didn't my life would spiral into a pit of round spirals and I would never make it anywhere in my career. Now where I'm, and the only lesson I've retained is that grown-ups are dirty liars.
-Back then, I hated cartoon network. All of the characters spoke too slowly and had really odd-shaped lips. Some things never change...
Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: Back in the Day - Erykah Badu
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A little Comedy for the Broken-Hearted!
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 20 February 2005, 5:23am
I guess it's a funny thing, really it is. Everyting that I hear,read and watch about Valentine's Day is either from the most cynical perspective or about a gross dissapproval about the whole concept. The only things I've ever read or seen about this holiday (thru all the news and the media in this country) is how shitty it is, and how it makes single people feel like crap, and how Hallmark invented it and so on. Why do you think it is like that? Why is it that the day of meant for celebrating love recieves the most hatred (and criticism) among all of our 'days' including those "dust-bin invention days".
I have a theory on this, much like those I've, on every concievable thing known to mankind, no matter how little I know about it! People in a relationship generally don't write about Valentine's Day; they're too busy having sex. That pretty much leaves a bitter me, to write this heavily depressing prose on the subject of 'St. Valentine'. This post realy isn't any different. So, if you're tired of reading about how much Valentine's Day bites, just turn off your computer RIGHT NOW and go back to eating your favorite ice-cream or get back in front of the 'magic box' and search fervently for another gossip(oops! I should have said 'chat') show.
If you are still with me....here's what happens:-
-Nobody wants to be alone on Valentine's Day. Of course, that statement implies that there are other days of the year where people would prefer to be alone, and I'm at a loss as to which days those might be. Martyrs Day, maybe?
-No, nobody wants to be alone no matter what day it is, and Valentine's Day is no exception. The only difference is, February 14th is the only day of the year when you're reminded of just how alone you really are, and how you're actually a pretty big loser and you never knew your best friend. It's probably best not to dwell on these feelings of resentment and woe, though, since that's exactly the type of thinking that leads to being lonely.
-February 14th has attached itself to the fascinating statistic that more people get married AND commit suicide on that day than any other. I think that's sad. Because whether he gets hitched or offs himself, that person will probably never speak to me again. And I'm pretty sure he owes me money.
-Quote of the Moment: I'm walking through Lifestyles 'alone', and as I stroll past the Valentine's flowers and card aisles and I hear someone saying: "I hate how this holiday has gotten so shallow and commercial." I fully agree. Things were so much better when those valentine toys I used to get would actually MEAN something. ("Toys-Kemp Wishes You a Happy Valentine's Day. Batteries Sold Separately.")
-Some people celebrate Valentine's Day. Not me, though. I celebrate "You're All Idiots" Day. That's the day after Valentine's Day, when all the cards and flowers are on 60% off-sale (I can hear me bitching..it sounds nice, at times).
-You ever see those guys in bars and restaurants who go around from table to table or person to person selling flowers? What the hell is up with this? It's always some wilted rose that they guilt you into spending 50 bucks on to impress the girl you've taken out on a date so she doesn't go home with somebody else. Who the hell are you worried she's going to go home with? The flower seller? Honestly Guys: Just say "no" to those wilted flowers from panhandlers in bars. Go buy a pair of new jeans or something.
-Every year, around this time, the newspapers are filled with articles like "The 10 most romantic songs of all time." But they never really go back in time far enough to count them as "all time", in my humble opinion. I've never seen a song on these lists that predates to the 70s. I'm sure in the times of ancient Babylonia, Mr. Judas had some pretty sexy and romantic beats. And what about sonnets? I think a good sonnet is pretty romantic, or at least it probably was in the year 1471; long before Celine's grandfather met her grandmother!!
-I think guys take Valentine's Day seriously only because girls do. And girls take it WAY too seriously. Ask any girl who's in a relationship what her plans for the big day are, and she'll invariably answer something like "We're going to dinner at 'The Overpriced Mexican' and then we're taking a long walk on the beach. Now try getting any guy to admit he actually wants to spend a fortune on dinner (plus 50 bucks on the flower guy) and then walk around until his sneakers are full of sand and dead prawns instead of staying home in his underpants and watching ESPN-STAR. But every guy in the world will go along with his girlfriend's neurotic whims, because he knows in the back of his mind that if he does, there's an eighty-twenty chance that they'll get home and she'll agree to watch SportsLine in HER underpants.
-Off-Topic: Did you know mattresses come in model years? Like cars? I had no idea till I saw it juss now!. It seems like everything comes in model years these days, although I can't honestly say I've ever been over to somebody's house and been ushered into a bedroom where they point to the bed and say "See this? 'Curl-on Felxi Proof'. 2004, baby!" Maybe someday buying a new bed will be exactly like buying a new car. ("Alright, now for the 2003 model I'm willing to give you half the sticker price plus my old bed. But I'll have to take it for a test sleep first. We'll talk in the morning.")Hmmm...Interesting!
-I seriously think there should be a day of the year where singles around the world celebrate the joys of being a proud single. You know, just to keep things even. I just don't think it's fair that couples get a day and singles don't. I'd wake up in the morning, make myself a breakfast in bed, then I'd give myself the card and flowers I had bought for me. I'd take myself out to a nice dinner, buy a flower from the same flower guy, and then walk by myself along the beach on the way home. Then I'd watch SportsLine in my underpants and cry myself to sleep. I'm not sure what the ideal day for this would be, though. Maybe Martyrs Day?
Current Mood: Grand
Current Music: Hmm..Im thinking!
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I realize every year...Im not perfect!
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 4 February 2005, 10:16pm
God, I tell you, it was hard, really really hard, to type that with a straight face. Still, every year I devote my energies to being a better son, writer, brother, friend, driver, neighbor and so on... And 2005 will be no different. So, without further ado (and mostly because I hate writing introductory paragraphs..I wonder why people read 'em) I'll get into my resolutions for 2005.
...Sounds like a whisper...
*I will stop listening to the 'new breed' techno Indi pop songs. Seriously though, can we stop them before they release another album? That "Mere Piya Gaye Rangoon..." song is without a doubt, the single worst song I've ever heard. I quit...I've had it.
*I'm going to put an over-sized dent in the forehead of people who continue to tell me what a brilliant movie "Oceans Twelve" is. It's bloody not. I watched it. It sucked.
*I will stop making that face when people tell me; they want to do an MBA. You know the face. The same face you make when someone tells you they dropped out of high school.
*I will never play Super Selector ever again. For those who didn't know, one of my friends won it this time around. A girl. You should have seen the other guys there... You'd think we had just been through a terrorist attack. I'm not even joking. I'm questioning my faith in God even as we speak.
*I will adopt a dog, name it George Bush, and show him my 'prick' neighbour's house and whisper into his ears.. "Iraq; Iraq"... and hope in despair that symbolism might take its own course!
*I will stop referring to F1 as "Michael and some other assholes."
*I will support the campaign for Sonia Gandhi next time too, and hope Adolph Hitler comes back from the buried and runs against her, just so that I don't feel like there is lack of competition.
*I will stop running up to the American people around and scream: "Look! Here comes another tsunami! Flee Flee..."
*I will stop making pathetic jokes in the absolute worse taste. Even though I bet you laughed at the previous one.
*I will try to get in touch with my feminine side (and then feel its boobs..)
*I will start getting my blogs in - on time.
*I will tell gross lies about the punctuality of my blogs...
*I will...
...Will you?
Happy New Year, to everybody. And many more, or something.
Until my next bout of incorrigible madness and profound boredom, have a nice day.
Current Mood: Heroic
Current Music: Dont you know they are talking bout my resolutions...it sounds like a whisper...
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I flattened a cat!
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 25 January 2005, 7:16am
I don
Current Mood: Gloomy
Current Music: Pardon Me - Incubus
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Thoughts "disfigured"
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 31 December 2004, 8:03am
I finally bid adieu to my old Nikes today. We
Current Music: aey jaate hue lamho..Mein bhi to chalta hoon
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I wish... but I just exist!
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 30 November 2004, 6:43pm
I wish I had faith - I wish I had the courage to follow danger as lightheartedly as the sparrows I saw, following the hawk into the ravine
That sound - Yes, I can hear; one hundred birds singing, but all I can see is the tree
I'm walking and the street is loud; i cannot hear the words of my teacher
I close my eyes yet the sun still shines
I look at the stars - Stay still and listen carefully; you can hear the music from
the moment when matter escaped from light ten million years after the beginning of time
eighteen billion years before this was written
some people say that there is an end to space and time
and that we can't concieve it because of the boundaries of our mind
that it is unthinkable that it is in the realm of the metaphysical
yet perhaps this is all imagined...
Just exist and it gives us free space
Current Mood: Relieved
Current Music: kaisi hai yeh rut ki jis mein - DCH
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