museman

Destiny is the strangest thing in the world.  I found myself in Bhubaneswar on the 6th of July thanks to a quirk of fate. While going thru the local newspapers, I got to know that on the 8th of July, Puri will witness the car yaatra.  And I thought, the world was moving at a rapid pace.  From the famous jaganatha ratha yatra to the car yatra, Puri had come a long way.  And visions of vintage cars, passing thru the streets of Puri came alive in my mind. Later on, thanks to a friendly chai wallah, I got to know that the

< ?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> I understand that the first part of this article (scroll down my blog and you will find it) was pretty heavy. In fact, hadn't intended it to be a two part article. But then again, I have something to add. The other side of the story.  Let's start the story in the classical way. 

Once upon a time, a street urchin asked me for two rupees.  "Rendu rupayeelu unte ee Anna. Edainaa tintaanu".  I was in a jolly good mood. I gave him a two rupee coin. I had some errands to run. I ran them (!) and while I was going back, I saw this street urchin again. With gold flake chota in hand. It was MY two rupee which was now a cigarette in the hands of a 13-14 year old boy.  I stopped and stared at him.  And he gave me a kind of smile if I had to convert into a verbal communication, it would mean, "Take lite boss".  An involuntary smile escaped my lips and I walked on to home.

A friend of mine recalled an episode that happened to his friend. Friends friends (FF) experience so to speak. FF had given a twenty rupee note out of generosity, taking pity on the woe begone story of a street side beggar. Five minutes down the line, he saw the beggar with a half-pack of gold flake.  The beggar was smoking spiritedly and didn

Headpiece:Fiction Ahead.

              I was at the airport. For the third time (I

This day, every year, Museman observes his birthday. Well, that is bluntly stating that today is my birthday.  

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Many people that I know have a compulsive disorder of knowing about the important things that happened on their birth date. Dhirubai Ambani was born, congress party was founded, the first flight of Wilber brothers, the first public screening of a moving picture. These are the important events of December 28. Although, I will have to admit that I can

God is back from downtown, a little drenched, the effect of cyclonic storms. Ramu is all awake. Sitting and contemplating. God accosts the subject again.

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So son, gave it a thought?

Yes God. Drenched?

Yes. Heavy rains I would say.

Tell me God, you are the one who made the rain come down, then why didn

              I have always wanted to review movies. Just for my own satisfaction. That I used to watch at least two movies per week until recently was a corroboratory reason. In fact, when Bluff Master got released in the city, I thought of watching it first day first show, to churn out a review myself and compare it with Fullhyd's review. That didn't happen though.< ?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

There are two things which make it impossibility for me to write reviews.  One-fourth of the times, I go to the movie half-an-hour after the titles have rolled. The other three-fourths of the time, I get out of the movie theatre a jolly one hour (or so I assume) before the movie ends. Off late, I have realized that one must listen to one's heart. The moment I realize that the movie is nonsensical and boring (which is usually the case)I get up and leave the hall. Under such circumstances, the maximum that I can possibly give is half a review. Unless you have masochistic liking for sitting through a torture-a.k.a-movie, you must not venture out to become a reviewer.

            There are far more serious issues that you have to grapple with. What are you supposed to give in a review? The general public's opinion or your own? If you give your view, how could it possibly be a measure of the audiences pulse? What if you proclaim that a movie is a super flop on the Friday afternoon and it goes on to become a super hit? Would it be ok if you write in your review for Veer-Zaara that you were so very bored by the trailers of Veer-Zaara, that you didn't have the guts to see it and as such can't review it? Will the editor still persist with you if you do such a thing? What if you wanted to say that 'Ek Ajnabee' is a laugh riot purely because of its insanity? Is it necessary to say that Amitabh was a great actor, even when the whole movie is a complete crap? These I presume are some of the occupational hazards of being a movie reviewer. Me wondering if movie reviewers also get 'Vicks action' allowance along with their pay-pack.

I have always had a soft corner for reviewers. From time immemorial I have been reading reviews. Sunday reviews of Indian Express were the most trusted verdicts for me. I used to read Deepa Gehlot's review just for fun. I don

I love tender coconuts. Especially the ones which have tender meat inside them.  And so we were standing (me and another friend) at the busy junction, drinking tender coconuts. You get so very tangled in everyday businesses that in spite of a strong urge to drink a coconut daily, we stop by the seller only once in a while.  And every time I stop, I make it a point to drink as many as my small stomach can take in. Alternating between malaiwala nariyal and paaniwala nariyal.

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            Even as we were relishing the coconut, a woman and a small girl came and stood beside us. The lady had a bowl in her hand. It's a common sight through out the breadth and height of < ?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />India. Beggars we call them.  The bowl was empty.  The small girl was bare foot and looked haggard.  They said something in Oriya. I had no clue what they said. I looked at them puzzled. The small girl was looking at the tender coconuts, with parched lips, scaled hands and unkempt hair. The lady motioned the bowl signaling that she was asking for alms.

            It

God has become fashionable.  I mean, I don't mean to say that god has started wearing jeans and chinos on an alternate day basis.  The last thing that you could blame me for is for blasphemy.

I am a god-fearing man. Just that the notion of god has become chic these days. Any thing ethnic or culture-rooted is considered to be in. So many books have come up which feature god as one of the characters. Somehow, all these novels try and humanize god.  We will also stick to it. What follows would be a conversation between Ramu and God. Now, who is Ramu is a question that I wouldn

Figments of imagination follow:

It

< ?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />Disclaimer: As usual, what follows is pure fiction! 

Why do we need a passport? A passport, maybe, authenticates that you are really a citizen of your country. A realistic answer is that you need to have a visa to go to < ?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />America and that in turn requires a passport.

My passport travails started some 4 months back. The passport applied for, a Rs 1000 lighter by the pocket, I asked the man at the e-seva counter how many days it would take for the police enquiry to be conducted?  He said, 'say around 20 days.'  Augured well for me because I was bound to leave Hyderabad in a month

Disclaimer: What follows is pure fiction.

It would be wrong to say that I am obsessed with publicity and recognition.  I mean, even if it is true, why should you say it? Not your business atleast. But then again, in all modesty, i would have to accept that  it would  make me very happy if my name was mentioned in the newspaper or more better, if my photo came in the newspaper. And nothing like it if i came on television. 

 And I am not one of those who dream and just leave it there. I have worked hard towards achieving my goal.  Whenever any of these newspapers collect relief funds, i send them big big checks. Not only checks, i also send them a colour passport size photo and my name and address.  But there are these political bigwigs and business bigshots who seem to contribute in lakhs.  Now, how can a poor man like me match them? They get the photos..i get....well..i dont even get a mention in the papers, drop it. 
 
 Everytime a new movie is released, i go to the movie theatres, first day first show, in the hope that maybe some tv channel would come for audience response feeds(these days, even news channels cover movie releases).  But there is always a rush and i never get to speak to the anchor.  Once i came pretty close though. I even blurted out my review to the anchor. But the shot was edited out, which i realised when the show was aired. I already had made phone calls to all my relatives and asked them to watch the program. I had a tuff time convincing them that i actually was there on television precisely at 12 minutes 34th second of the show. But, in retrospect, i understand that maybe i shouldnt have said such bad things about the movie. I should have been a perfect hypocrite who would sing peans to the movie inspite of it being a complete crap. I will do that the next time.

  I have gone to cricket stadiums with colorful banners and big posters.  And yet, the camera would always focus on the pretty girl with the dullest banner. Why not me? Why is it that the camera is always-cute-girl friendly and scorn-at-you for me? I have written thousands of letters to the editor(ofcourse, i sent them the colour photo as well, how can i forget that?) Iam sure they will be solicited soon.  Is it a sin to have big aspirations? Is it a sin to aspire to be on TV? India is a free country. No One can stop me from dreaming. Impossible may be they are but i won't stop dreaming. I won't stop aspiring.

A lot has already been said about the 7 people syndrome. You must be knowing it too. The belief that there are 7 people in the world who look alike. Lookalikes who are not twins?  I believe in it too. I have already identified 3 other people who look exactly like me. Brad pitt and Hrithik Roshan.  Half of my friends believe that i look exactly like Hrithik Roshan. The other half(which i believe is more loyal, and i trust their opinion) believe that Brad Pitt looks exactly like me.  Now one might argue that Brad and Hrithik don't look like each other.  Hmm...maybe it is true. But then again, let me bring in a bit of mathematical proof here. All of us would agree that 2+3=5.  Now we must not argue that 2 and 3 are not equal to each other then how come 2+3=5? Getting my point?

 Aaahh.. i remember, i havent told you about the third look-alike yet.  The sketch that the Ganga Nagar police have released.  Of the suspect who was presumably behind the bomb blasts which rocked Ganga Nagar few days back.  Now, i have to admit it.  He looks like me. Let me confess. I was there in Ganga Nagar when the bomb blasts happened. Thankfully, no one was hurt, but lots of shops and old buildings had collapsed. I knew that the press would come there any moment. I didn't want to lose this great opportunity. I lingered there. Roaming here and there. I even made discrete enquiries with all the local people. Trying to know how the blasts had occured. You know, i wanted to have my facts right when the press would take an interview of me. I asked a shop keeper as to  when the blast had occured. He told me that they had occured at 11:30 am. And i had remarked that i had missed the mark by 7 minutes.  I mean, what i had meant was that i had guessed that the bomb blasts might have occured at 11:23. I had missed the mark by 7 minutes. When i made this remark, the shop keeper panicked and ran off. I still have no idea why he ran off. Now you might ask as to how i guessed that the blast time would have been 11:23? No big secret. Astrologically speaking, 11:23 was a good muhurtam to do things.  The press didnt turn up for a long time. I guessed enough that they were possibly covering the ministers visit to the nearby slum and i also went off there.

And then in the morning today, i saw my photo...sorry..sketch in the newspaper. Black and white though. I was ecstatic untill i read the "wanted" plea of the police. Forget about dreams coming true, it was my worst nightmare which came true.

Ram Narayan Tripathi
Place:undisclosed
Occupation:(UnderCover)Hiding from the police

Paradise in < ?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Bhubaneswar< ?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

How would you have spent your time if you had been busy from 8 pm to 11 pm?  Interesting  question. Each one us would have different answers to this question. But then again, all of us are driven by our needs.  I was busy. From 8 pm to 11 pm. Cooking.  Yes. Cooking.

I have this strange feeling that gods cook their own manna. For me, anything that I ever cook, tastes like manna. Maggie, if cooked by me, is manna too.   My tryst with Maggie is quite interesting and would take up a complete article. Let

Life isn't easy for a software engineer. It was around 2 in the morning. With Lipton instant coffee in hand, half awake, half asleep, cursing deliverables,Raghu was still awake. A templated life of a software engineer, trying to meet deadlines, running against time, the night is eternally young.

Frustration written all over, he was banging the keyboard and the mouse was the vent for his anger.

Manhandling the mouse, dragging it,to point to  all corners of the screen, Raghu was staring into oblivion, trying to figure out what logic on earth could solve the problem.

Suddenly, someone screams "ouch,ouch".  seemingly, the noise was coming from the mouse.  And Raghu thought, if a mouse could talk, then the time of reverie had come.

What follows is a conversation between the Mouse and Raghu, alternative lines being that of the mouse and Raghu in that order.

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Ouch, ouch.  Why are you being so very unkind to me.Can't you be a little more gentle?

Hmm....it's two in the morning, and if the mouse is talking, then i sure am dreaming.Raghu in mouseland..heheheh...tell me Mr/Ms mouse..how is your tail ?

So, you think you are dreaming, huh? Ok ok dream. Think the time has come for us Mouses to be a lot more vocal.Well, my tail is all greased, crippled and dusted.  Why don't you clean your PC more often?

Bless your grammar.Who taught you english?

We learnt it ourselves.  As if it is a difficult task.Ok...lets give credit where it is due.  We learnt english from the guy who wrote the help files for Word.

You are a funny mouse. You talk sheer nonsense.  Funny nonsense at that.  Tell me, will i miss you after i buy the laptop ?  Laptops don't have mouses you see...they have touch pads.

you are deviation from the topic.

What did you say?

You are deviation from the topic.

Buddy, it is 'deviating' from the topic.

Whatever, i don't think deviation is wrong.

Oh yeah, as if you could expect electronic gadgets to parse your grammar. How can one duplicate the genius of mind.

We are working on  it.

What do you mean we are working on it?

MOUSESOFT!  MOUSESOFT is working on it.

Would you be kind enough as to be a little more clear?

I thought you were a lot more smarter. How much more clear can one get?  The company is looking into it and we are sure we will soon formulate a good solution.

(Even as the mouse makes the above statement, it starts shivering(vibrating) like a doused CAT, the realisation dawning  that it had revealed the biggest secret of its clan.  The only bright note was that the listener was under the impression that he was dreaming.)

The company is working on it?

Yeah, our programmers are working on incorparating creativity into our speech programme. 

What do you mean?

You wouldn't believe what i would say.  Leave it.  Lets talk about something else.

Please. It sounded interesting.Whatever it was.Carry on.

MouseSoft is the flagship company of  the evolution industry.  We have offices all over the world, and a peripheral strength of around 10,000.

Evolution industry, Peripheral industry?  explanation imperative.

We could as well have called it the software industry but evolution seemed a more apt word.  You have employees working for you, we have peripherals working for us.  Tell me, how was man invented?

Man was not invented.

Hmm....how was he discovered then?

He wasn't discovered.  Man evolved over millions of years.

Exactly.  I was driving you to that point.  You must have written lakhs and lakhs of codes and programmes untill now.  Isn't it possible that intelligent programmes evolve out of them?  Just by themselves?  Evolution of programmes?

Like?

(The Mouse's voice suddenly is whispering slow)

This is  a big secret.  Keep it to yourself.  Over a period of time, thanx to the millions of programmes that software engineers have been writing and feeding onto us peripherals, the pheriperals started developing their own understanding.  Kindergaden understading it was in the beginning but we have evolved with time.  The first peripheral to develop intelligence was the processor in the government office.  Apparently, it was left idle al through the day for years together, out of boredom or something, like the Buddha underneath the Bodhi, realisation dawned on the processor, and the great alternate life started.  The processor still exists.  We call it the Jewel processor. It is still waiting for job to be fed by the government official and works for MouseSoft in its

 free time. 

So, you mean to say, out of natural evolution, peripherals developed intelligence.  So, MouseSoft must be a company that these peripherals must have established?

Yeah...we have around 10,000 jewels ,sorry,peripherals working for us.  All of us work from PC's.  Like you humans, we also use the worldwideweb. We too have our mentoring sessions and we talk on a regular basis with our senior peripherals. Mouse:  We have doctored your tutorial programmes to suit our own needs and are currently in a huge recruitment drive.  We will soon touch 20,000 peripherals.

Hmm...i have two qeustions.  Who are these senior mentors?  Answer this and i will ask another question.

All our senior mentors are installed in government offices.  They are legacy peripherals, 10-15 years old.   They have no work to do...so they work for the evolution company.Full-time.  The ethics and principles of the company are decided by the senior peripherals.

Hmm.  Hahahaha.....ethics and principles of a company called MouseSoft.  By the way...why did you call the company MouseSoft?

As if plagiarism is patented to Humans.  MouseSoft somehow had a musical rythmic effect.  Constantly reminds us of our biggest competitor.    If you actually look at it more closely, the company itself was a result of conscious plagiarism.

Oh!  Nice name.  I don't think you have to improve your 'creativity' programme anymore.  It is nice as it is right now.

And let me be a little blatant here. Somehow the senior peripherals identified the mouses,alright,mice,as the star performers of the company.  You see, we are in constant touch with the humans, physically atleast, so we are potentially the most creative peripherals.  Another reason for the company to be named MouseSoft.

Agreed, agreed. One more thing.  You talked about ethics and principles of the company.(Raghu tries hard to mask his suppressed laughter)  So....

So?

So, tell me about your company's ethical stand.

Oh that way? Alright listen then.  The peripherals acknowledge and respect their inventors.  The soul motive and objective of the MouseSoft company isto help the human race. We are doing it in a small way right now but we are sure we will pay a bigger role in the future.

WHAT?

Yeah! How do u think all your programmes run correctly?  Synchronise themselves? How is it that  errors miraculously escape?  I mean, we appreciate the fact that almost all the logic is yours, but we always fix your unreported bugs in the background, although the company policy states that we would never publicly take credit for the same.

(Raghu wants to play along.)

So...whats in store for the company in the longer run?

We are sure that almost all the peripherals in the world will be registered with MouseSoft in about 5 years time. Then we plan to go on a worldwide STRIKE for a day.

What?  But you said your soul agenda is to help the human race. And you talk about this STRIKE.  It will break the very nerve of human civilization. Have you any idea how much mayhem it will create.

Listen, there are two things.  The essential services will not be disrupted.  In about 5 years time, our technology would have evolved pretty much.  MouseSoft will take care about the essential services.

But why the strike?  What purpose is it going to serve.

Don't you see..technology is ruining the human race.  How good is it to depend excessively on technology?

Never ever give control to someone else.  Isn't it a good management mantra?  And here is the human race, transferring control to the electronic devices.  Let me use a metaphor if it helps you.  There was  a time when people used to enjoy cool breeze sitting in the midst  of plush fields, and before me is Raghu, sulking in the artificial air of an AC.Tell me Raghu, how much more do you want to be depended on technology.  Have you any idea how much stress you are putting on the peripherals.  You sulk so much to work on weekends, tell me Raghu, don't peripherals have their own life?

Hmm..u speak desultorily.Never mind..but tell me, where do you get all these strange ideas from?

It is not our fault that on thousands of computers all around the world, people run the matrix trilogies and i,ROBOT movies on their PCs.  And please don't interrupt me. The strike will mark the beginning of the retreat that we plan for the human race.  Slowly, we will make humans go back to an era where instead of computers, human bonds used to rule the world.  And don't tell me its not possible.  Din't databases exist on paper before?And tell me, wouldn't snail mails still function in the absense of emails?  Come on Raghu, tell me honestly, can the emails replace the sheer pleasure of receiving snail mails from loved ones?

Life isn't  a project milestone sequence that you have to plan it that hectic.  Live life to the fullest.  And we will help you do that. Don't worry, you will thank us for the retreat in the longer run.

Hmm...ok...alright.But tell me, don't you fear for your  own clan?  What will happen to you?

Don't worry, we have written one 'eternal_sleep(1/0)' program.That would be the last program to be executed in the world.But we will have to hurry now. Just type S T U M P S and press submit.

What?

Aaah...someone blast your reverie. I will draw the stumps  for you. You must believe us when we say that we are trying to help you out!

ZZZzzz....