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Who wants to kill Tulsi?? That benign cow on Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi... (kya thi??) ..that figure of all things nice, sweet and fattening on Indian TV? I still can't get it...Smriti Irani gettin threatening calls on her cell phone!! Now, who wants to see her bumped off? KKusum?KKavanjali( both the dead twins..or was it one dead twin?) Jassi (" Die, you fat cow, DIIIEEE" as she harriedly wears her contacts and gets her skin de-pigmented at Kaya skin clinic) .... or that funny twiggy school girl on Star One on Remix - the one with the spotty face, striped red hair and the Chequered skirt??? Nope, still can't crack this code! Anyways, we love you Smriti - please don't die.
I digress from the point of this post - which is - that a whole TWO people now finally officially know about the existence of Captain Scamp (clap clap)!! So, if you are reading (read) this BO...WALCOMEWALCOMEWALCOME!!! As if ranting in real life was'nt hard enuff, you have to deal with my crap in cyber space too (pauvre petit - " poor small" ...errr...Paapam types)
In other questions - Who wants to sleep with Shakti Kapoor? obviously some "Ruchi" wanted to. Now she wants to sleep with that nice looking boy on Indian Idol - that Aman-man. Ruchi obviously is skippy - she needs to get herself a nice boyfriend or better a scratching-post!!! meowrrrr !! hisss!
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Lightbulb's going off in my head LIKE A 1000 WALA garland. woo hoo
When we saw the 'Sputniks'( had you been reading my posts, you would be nodding knowledgly - SO GO BACK AND READ EM!!) descend on Top Station like a group of jabbering simians, I paid no attention. But when we were
stranded at the place - my evil little mind twitched into action and I decide maybe we should hitch a ride back into town with them in their charming little Van
(which had a lot of place to accomadate our mangy selves!!!) So, with Bo's assent, we went ahead with the plan.My smattering of Malyalam came in good use,and
we bagged the ride!
Only for us to decide later, this was really cool and we should hang out with them- the ride was cheap, fast and really comfy -so what if Moppy kept having these
whiny little doubts he wanted answered from these guys - and I had to translate for him. And Moppy was having doubt diarrohea -'What is that plant there?' 'Why
are the roads so narrow' 'How does the hydraulic pulley work in the dam' 'Will someone stop the van, i need to pee!' accckkkkkk!!!!! someone stuff a sock in this
bloke's kisser!!!??!!
But really, the sputniks were fun and the whole of Munnar was covered becuse we hitched with them ..so what if by the end of the day I had a ticker running in my head - one in english , the other in malyalam - and I kept translating stuff even as I slept.NEWSFLASH: I turned into LOla kutty. dont belive me, ask BO!!! HAHHAHA- this is really funny - Bo's name is also...B.O - like Body odour..hahahah - hmmm, our names really do speak for us!!!
Ok- Munnar done - onward to Periyar.
PERIYAR - THE WORLD'S BIGGEST TIGER SCAM!
There are no tigers in Periyar Reserve - sez who?says moi - at least thereare'nt any photo friendly tigers who come to lap water from the edge of the periyar lake as boats crammed with humans pass them by - all the while, chattering away, eating chips loudly and training cameras in direction of above mentionned Tiger! There are no human friendly tigers who'll pose for pictures for us - or even wild elephants who'll time their tramping about as the boat passes through the reserve.basically my gripe is that we didnt see any of those stupid animals! Instead we saw wild deer, some big pig and I think a black moneky as it flew across the air (probably to mount an elephant thats standing on a tiger!) damn and double damn!! arey yaar, i can see all those stupid animals back in the Hyd zoo itslef!!
But the trip was worth it - Coz I and Bo swapped funny tiger stories - Like the Kid at the Delhi zoo who wanted to feed a peanut (a peanut!!! read this slowly - a PEANUT!) to a Tiger! the tiger chomped off the kid's hand , and spat out the peanut!! FUNNY !! or the two guys who, on new Year's wanted to garland a tiger in the Kolkata Zoo.One fella got mauled and kicked the bucket, the other guy managed to live to tell the tale.a picture taken of this garlanding snafu was sold by the third friend for 35 K!! whew, talk about putting money where the Mouth is!!!
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I have a bad case of the sniffles - so any noise emanating - vaguely resembling electrocution (due to fluids dripping on keypad)- means I HAVE BEEN
ELECTROCUTED AND AM ON THE VERGE OF DYING!!!!
But getting back to my Vacation (it's a long story) - where was I?
yeah - In Cochi!
We landed on Christmas Day - which meant all the happy mallus (namely Baby Kutty, and Jose Kurikose Vallepuzha types) had downed shutters and the whole
city looked like it had a bad case of the haunts!!!! So we figured, we could go to Fort Kochi which is the beach and bum out.This is BTW the day before the Tsunami
- about 8 pm - I and Moppy standing knee high in the water - WONDERING - why the water was 'so high'!!! CAWLABUNGA!!! It must have been the hight tide or
some crap - but it was very scary none the same (post-it: I can't swim to save my droopy ass!)
Oh, early on, we had supper at this place on the Jetty called Dolphin - realy pretty, with fish tanks as tables.U eat your Appams and slurp ur soup off the tables as you look at sperm size fish fin about.
Random babble: We later read in the paper, a week later, the Hotel was razed down by a fire.Two employees died. I wonder what happened to the Fish
Fort Kochi: For those interested in the touristy bits is a really bang-up nice place - quaint, pretty buildings, racist inn-keepers (who won't let you stay in their cheap but nice hotel unless you're a phirang and have a valid Visa number), rude autowallahs who want to fleece you, cheap and sweet Italian food, bring-your-fish- we'll cook it for you type restaurants, and loads of usual white-trash floating about.
we didnt really see much then but the next day - took the Bus out to Munnar which is Mountain land!
The Holy Mountain:
For those of you, ever wanting a cheap trip across Kerala - here's the deal - the whole place has a great network of buses. As the state is as big as an ant's ass, chances are you'll find a state bus heading out where-ever you wanna go!! (*U have to book in advance for Delhi though, hahahah, *attempt at humour) Getting around from Cochi to Munnar is a whiz. Take the interstate bus from the KSRTC stand.Tickets
are about a hundred bucks per head - dont get wigged out by that!! The bus is clean, cheap and fast. Three hours or so and we inflicted Munnar!
For those of you, who like tea plantations, lakes, mountains and the assorted paraphernalia- Munnar's where the party is!! The place we guys-uh-oh- Moppy with a machete- CORRECTION - 'I' had booked in advance (at this point,I humbly take a bow- as Moppy humbly plants a mammoth kick across my butt!!!) was in a really puh-retty place - 24 kms from the town square, hard to get to, overpriced and beat this - bang on top of a mountain!!! hahahah.BUT!!!like I said, it
was an incredible place- it was worth the intestine twisting long jeep ride from town!!!
random babble: there was a dead rat outside our window
Moving on: The place is spitting distance from the Kundala (prounounced Kunda-lay) dam - so the next morning, we guys trekked up 5 minutes to get a first hand
virgin view of the place!!! great clean lake, we had a breakfast meant for gorillas - omlettes, tea, bananas and Corn Cob! Onward ahoy after that!! Hitched a ride
from two lorries to get to Top-Station (say this with me - TOPE STASHUN!) -the pride and joy of Munnar and kerala - You get a bird's eye view of Tamil Nadu -
thats when annoying clouds dont block ur already hazy view!!! TS is fantastic - you need to be really lucky to get there before the crowds, have lungs made of pig
iron and legs of steel! It's a little hard to get to - but worth the struggle, the panting, collapsing and all the wheezing!!!
and thats where we met our future Sputniks ('travel companions', oh you disgusting Plebs!!!) and thats when I realized that I was going to be made the world's most
overworked translator!!! WHEW!!!
Gyaan Goli: Munnar to Kodaikanal is like a hop and skip away.A couple of hours, pencil in a daytrip if you have the time
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Meet me
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I try really hard not to put up stuff that I deal with at work.primarily because it's a way of preventing me of agonising some more about stuff that I already agonise about constantly. But i just read a colleague's blog and he was angsty about the same stuff! So, i am not alone.
Things I hated in the past week:
-The DPS MMS that got circulated all over town. In fact I had heard the story much before the media got wind of it - I was hoping the hounddogs wouldnt get a sniff of it - they did. It's all over the place.
- The Shahid -kareeena Kiss: One thing for celebrities to be stupid, another for the media to be stupid. So they kissed, fine! So, they were stupid enuff to do it in public -knowing fully well people would want a piece of their ass! But the way both kids reacted was even more stupid! They should have just not reacted - just not bat an eyelid and say 'yeah, we kissed- IN PUBLIC- Big deal!'. The matter would have R.I.P'ed immediately. Kareena was waliling on the phone " hum kapoor khandaan ke hai - yeh sab nahin hota hai". yes, the storks bring in the kapur babies, of course! dumb blonde!
i think the media just went overboard with the Kiss. Fine, for tabloid print jounos - but TV? kids are wathcing this shit (but then kids are also watching pop tart Britney lock lips with Nympho mama Madonna!) so much for the Pope and TV!!!
And yeah - we love to see SEX on Tv - in any form - Kiss, blow job, Ex Miss.jammu's having sex with fat hairy men who look like salamanders. So what if the visuals are blurred and edited - we still like to see them!!
And we like to live in denial - Kids having sex in schools (Agonised parents on The Big Fight-NDTV -" of course not!!!" Kids on Tv " Of course we're not bonking about") - why can't we be more open about the fact that the society is in a transition period and more things are happening now in kids lives far earlier than before! Why can't we talk about it -address the issue - instead of choosing to conceal it? How long did that ostritch survive with it's head in the sand? whats wrong with sex? fine, I would freak if my kid was screwing about at 16 - but I would make sure He/She knew about it - I wouldnt turn away and say " here, meet the Virgin Godmother!"
It's not a perfect world - everything is changing. We might not agree with things that happen around us. However it is important for us to question, ask and debate.It's important for us to accomadate change and allow transitions -But I personally think it's very important for us not to live in denial - look around - its a whole new world. dont deny yourself the chance to stick your head out for stuff you want answered - hey who just wants to be a sheep - herded about?
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some people piss me off some times - but most people piss me off most of the times! And i'm very pissed off right now - Moppy says I'm pissed off all the time - thats not true -but most of the time - yes! most certainly!! you should see me right now.
here are the sorts of people who piss me off:
whew! there are plenty more - but this is public forum
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Hey..remember the Macarena- yes..the prolific dance number whih scarred our colective global
teen physches beyond repair...
well..do u know the lyrics?..like the actual lyrics!! I remember I was in Junior College
when everybody was doing the Macarena..but astoundingly no one knew the words to it.
But i still insisted on singing it..very loudly..my version of course..and it goes
something like this..
Enna supre-matey Eya Macarena
Ettey palanga eye-aie suparena
Enna Supre-matey Eya Macarena
AAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY Macarena!!!
(s*i*n*g I* t*)
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Guess who over came the tide of spit to come out squeaky-clean? ME ME MOI MOI!!
Yes..if you have been following this blog carefully (I won
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Okay
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Aah, another superbly non-productive day at work. Arafat finally dead
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Why isn
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It’s always amazing how everybody else’s blog is cooler than mine..hmmmm..I think it’s a big sign from ..er…whoever! anyways..ahm-baak!
My life has been jam packed for the past couple of days..have been dealing with all sorts of random events…stuff that even the parrot can’t forecast. For eg.One Brother randomly landing up in town, One Best friend randomly landing in the country, One CribbyScamp randomly deciding to leave town…asking me go along with the mass exodus…leaving me to deal with all these forces of crappy nature!! Whew!!
So, have been busying myself collecting bits and pieces of trivia. Like Spiderman’s desi version of Pavitr Prabhakar is my favorite so far. They’re planning to make an Indian Version and sell it here. Anyways, do you know Gotham Comics – the guys who sell Spiderman in India actually sell 5 lakh copies of the comic each month… this is the real Spiderman..mind you…EACH MONTH DUDES! That’s 500,000 copies of the swinging arachnid floating around town..stuff rocks!
Have also discovered if I don’t get a mouthful of squishy carbo rich pasta type food in my mouth at regular intervals. I begin to get withdrawal symptoms. So each time that I feel like eating Italian Food aajakal, I go over to Guptas- the friendly neighborhood dhaba- and eat get this… Bread Omlette..YUCK! oh well, beggars can’t be choosers aye!
This post is long..I’m gonna run over to Guptas now..I’m in the mood for Italian!
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OBSESS: constantly! About the size of their ass, about the size of someone else's ass, movements of their boyfriend, movements of their best friend's boyfriend, shoes, whether they look fat in those shoes...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
STUDY: no self-respecting woman likes to be called ‘academically challenged’. Women are genetically programmed to cram…for anything/any classes…assignment tests, unit tests/quarter finals/cookery classes/pre-board flower arrangement tests…sheesh..the greater the amount of theory to be mugged up..the higher the satisfaction quotient! Plus have you seen those percentages – 97% in Math, 98% science, 99% Moral science!!!
LIKE DOORS TO BE OPENED FOR THEM: It’s a fact..women like doors to be opened for them as they swish by, chairs to be pulled out to park their butts on..etc etc… and puh-leez lets save that feminist claptrap for some time later after civilization! women like their men to be chivalrous, period! Just becoz a fella opens a door for you doesn’t quite mean he doesn’t think you’re capable of writing computer code or launching a space shuttle…. he’s just being nice. So chicks..relax and enjoy the attention.
CALL THEIR BOYFRIENDS CONSTANTLY: ahem…’Hi baby, I just woke up…whatcha doin?’ …’Hey snookums, I’m just brushing my teeth – whats up?’‘ hey..I’m capping the toothpaste up..what up?” …whats up? Errr…ur PHONEBILL perhaps! Crissakes woman..HANG UP!
PRETEND LIKE THEY CAN PARK CARS: gals, don’t protest. We all know..it was never a state secret!
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