aloque

What is the best way to approach a girl? I mean for an average Joe (with the apparent success of TV land's Joe with women, I am forced to reconsider and will henceforth call the average clueless man, an average aloque, which if you ask me or not slips off the tongue much better) .. so what does an average aloque do when he faces the women of the world, and more importanty, what does he do when he chances upon the women that he finds interesting?

Does he bring on his best Pierce Brosnan impression. It will only be about 2 seconds before she notices the nailcutter on his keychain isn't a controller for the latest BMW. Also, Mr. Brosnan, I am reliaby told, does not write the suave, charming lines he mouths off. I am also told that he takes an inhuman amount of time to learn up those lines. And that they are written by another average aloque somewhere in the world who has all these beautiful feelings inside of him, but lacks the Brosnan delivery style.

Should he bring out his tight Brad Pitt body? Well, if he had one he wouldn't really be the average aloque now, would he? It still remains a sad fact of the average aloque's life that he looks better with his clothes on. Not good, just better.

So, does he bring out the Superman costume he has been so carefully hiding behind his thick glasses? Not when women are his kryptonite and he needs the reflective capabilities of his lead rimmed glasses to protect himself.

Does he roam the alleys behind DRDL hoping to be bitten by a radioactive spider? (Does a radioactive dog count? I mean, is there any woman attracting potential for SuperSnoopy?)

In the end he is forced to be himself, and a lot of good that has done for him on the past. He has found that the direct approach is not the best way to go, and that still puzzles him, despite his vast IQ. Painful episodes that flash into his mind

The average aloque and attractive women incidents to date:

*ing

AAA = an average aloque
AWA = attractive woman being approached


INCIDENT 1 - The woman in college. AAA has talked to her a couple of times and thinks this is a good time to let her know...

AAA = hi, ahem, hey, I think you are interesting and would like to get to know you better. So, can I call you sometime?
AWA = well, I don't really answer telephones.

C'mon what does one say to that? - " Oh. Really? How normal. I suppose you have an allergic reaction to instruments that speak to you, or hey, here's an idea....maybe it's me?"

Instead AAA = oh, ok. Guess I'll see you around sometime.
Of course, he avoids her like the plague for the rest of his life. And she's happy as pie.

INCIDENT 2 - The woman at the party. So AAA thought she smiled at him and he decides to let her know...

AAA (putting telephone allergy girl in a dark cage at the back of his mind) = Hi, I am aloque, and you are...
AWA = I don't have a name.

GIMME A DAMN BREAK.

GIMME

ONE

GODDAMN

LITTLE

TEENY

WEEENY

BREAK

So, the AAA is not quick on the retort, but he is usually on the thin line between self confidence and self loathing, and this pushes him back a couple of points on the happiness scale. And many rungs on the social interaction ladder.

In any case, the AAA likes to save face as much as the next dude...

AAA = ok then, its nice not to meet you.
AWA (still registering while he walks away)


INCIDENT 3 - AAA sick of all the pressure of coming up with clever lines (or) Why should the guy take all the pressure?

AAA = Hi. Reject me.
AWA = What??
AAA = I am interested in you and I am not going to go away until you reject me.
AWA = sod off, you psycho.
AAA = Sorry, not good enough. You need to be cleverer.
AWA = Ok then, I am going to call the cops.
AAA = oh! the cops don't answer telephones. Didn't you know that?

As you probably have guessed, this is all in the AAA's head but he needs his release.

All in all, the women of today have repeatedly said that they want a smart, sensitive guy who can be understanding, who has a sense of humour. They have also gone on record saying that he needn't be a Pierce Brosnan or a Brad Pitt, but they expect all the not so cool dudes to be Clark Kent or Peter Parker. So, this average aloque is shooting off his mouth. He needs his release too.

These are thoughts that have been in my head for a while and reading a fellow blogger this morning, they have reached a point that they can be put in black and white.


Current Mood: Cheerful
Current Music: microtone piano experiments

"Gomez, I think I am going to go home now. Make sure the first copies are out before sunrise". As I walked out, I could sense from every pore of my body, the awful stench of my loneliness. I needed to have a drink and I turned around and made my way to the tavern down the road. As the spirit took me over, I began to see clearly. Celia was an ungrateful bitch that didn't know the value of a good man. I could live without her incessant.....

"Wake up, Joseph. Wake up, you goddamn drunkard, and go home", the bartender shook me awake and I staggered to my feet. The sun wasn't up yet and the cold night air bit into my uncovered face almost spitefully, the pain shaking me back to some measure of sobriety. It would have been just another walk home that would have been lost in an amalgam of numerous drunken nights if it wasn't for the screams. I had never heard screams like that, but they were unmistakably of a woman. Of a woman being raped. I hid behind the garbage trolley and listened. She was not screaming in terror. There was no fear in her voice. Only anger. Only red hot anger. I could make out the outline of seven, maybe eight men, some laughing, some taunting, as one after another they entered her, even as her screams died out and restraining her didn't seem necessary. At first they were beating her to stop her from screaming, and now it seemed they were beating her to bring her back to her senses. I sat there afraid for my life, aroused as I too wanted to enter her mangled body. After the men left I crawled up to her naked body. Blood trailed down her limp legs, and her face was caked with it, her long hair had been torn out in clumps, but her eyes were open, her pupils wide. The sun came up, and in the dawn, her grey-green eyes seemed the only sign of life. I sat there for a long time, fascinated by the thin line between life and death that she seemed to be teetering on, and wished I was there. FinalIy, I got up to walk away, and her hand grabbed my trouser leg. I cannot remember why I carried her home, what it was that made me think that I could help her but as the events passed to be, that is the path they chose. I went home, ran a bath, put her into it and dropped off to sleep.

The next thing I remember was those eyes staring at me. They were pools of sadness, but in them, I could also see love. When did she fall in love with me? And why? I will never know. But what I know is that she was the only person that loved me. Including me. She could stay if she wished, I told her. She did, and I married her. Her presence was always blurred into the background of my life, inconspicuous like she didn't want to change anything in my routine. She was more than I deserved, and that I never doubted. She was respectful, dutiful, and considerate. Her love for me, she felt, wasn't worthy of being reciprocated. If Celia didn't love me, Marjorie didn't let me love her. Not that I could have. I was never capable of any true emotion except fear. I never loved her, only feared that the love in her eyes would fade away. But when it never did, I failed to understand. It stayed as true through all the nights I came home stinking of brandy and brothels. When I shook her by her hair, and forced her to her knees and slammed myself into her mouth, her eyes still looked sad, still in love, still martyred by that night. I was the one man who had shown her kindness when no one else had, and there was nothing I could do to take that back. When, in our bed, I waited for her to sleep before I forced myself onto her, hoping for the angry screams I heard that night, I heard nothing but a moan of resignation, I struck her with my fist and left the house. I went to the brothels, picked out the youngest girl they had, hardly thirteen, and brought her home. I had her in our bedroom, and made Marjorie serve us morning tea. She did, and she still looked at me with those eyes. Something in me snapped, and I beat her mercilessly with the steel tea tray. The girl crouched into a corner of the room and sobbed while Marjorie's bloodied face remained impassive. I dressed and left for work.

"Special Inspector Bellini, I have been sent to recruit you", the man said after he was shown into my office. He sat me down and showed me the plans Hitler had for all newspapermen. I had to publish propaganda written by his people or die. I chose life, printing lie after lie for weeks. The war broke out soon enough, and I was recruited to the frontlines. Every bullet that was fired seemed to have my name on it, as I fought unwillingly for a country that gave me nothing, for the fatherland I hated for the life I led there. One day we walked into an ambush and my fear for my life made me give myself up to the enemy, and I told them the location of our camp. Three hundred people died because of my information, and they left me tied and gagged in the courtyard of our camp, and told the general that I was the informant. No one likes a traitor, I discovered. The next morning, I squealed and begged for my life, sobbed apologies that I did not mean as twelve bullets made their mark in my chest, and as I was bleeding to death, each man of the company spat on my face. I hadn't even faced my death with honour.

As I tell you this, from Hell, I do not feel any remorse. I can see Marjorie's martyred eyes, in wait for me at the barracks, not knowing of my death. How I hate her. How much I wish I could tell her of my own passing, just to see if she would cry. Now the fear of losing my life has been taken away and I suppose I have a vague sense of deserving to be here. Here, I am amongst people that have been like me, done like me, and deserve to fry in Hell like me. Here for the first time, I have been able to see myself as I truly am. Finally, in Hell, I have found a home. For eternity.

Current Mood: Evil
Current Music: none

Too much grief, too many voices

screaming for a saviour's touch.

They pass over my dull senses,

overwhelmed by the sea of torment.

Helplessly, my desperate hands

stay limp, saving my own stony soul

from the stillness of their breath,

from the standstill of their hearts.

Mechanical, I stare into their eyes

to make sure of what was inevitable.

Hours of pointless battle waged

day in and out, night in and out,

as I stand by, an overrated observer.

My ears still hear the wrenching cries

of a mother whose dreams just died,

but they lose themselves on the way,

never reaching my heart, my eyes

concentrate on the pen and paper, as

I scribble names that never were.

Current Mood: Cold
Current Music: none

To,

Dear August 19, 2003 to August 18, 2004,

Thanks from the bottom of my heart

for perspective - I never thought I could care about anyone else.

for the gain of a brother, nay, a friend - N, shame on me for not being more accepting of you.

for a work ethic - I never knew I had one. It took some responsibility to be placed squarely on my shoulders for me to see myself differently.

for the good will

for showing me how to be compassionate - Another thing I thought was not possible for me.

for self belief.

for giving me something I have always wanted - it was all I expected it to be and more

for new experiences - I  have surprised myself constantly over the past few months.

for renewing my love for the city.

for new friends and old.

for reminding me that having fun is not a crime.

for the freedom of abandoning several hard made plans

for allowing me to trust the moment

for letting me see the people behind the words  

for parents that let me make my own mistakes

for this page.

 

 

Dear Rahul, you are alive and well in my thoughts. I wonder if you are still giving Ganeshji an earful.

To every patient that died before my eyes. And the people who broke down before the same cold eyes. If I was detached it was not because I did not care. I hope you have moved on the best you could.

It is with a tinge of sadness that I say goodbye to a part of my life that has undoubtedly been the most personally satisfying. Its not an end in any way except on a calender, because it has changed me and will live on in the life I lead everyday hence. It is a day to be thankful for a lot of things, my own little Thanksgiving.

I could not have asked for a more unexpected or, in some ways, a better ending. I brought home a couple of beers to celebrate with the guys, but they weren't home. Dad was there. So I figured what the hell, and we broke open the brew and ended up talking. I really do not know what makes that man tick. But the good times are always uplifting.

August 20, 2004. I am ready for you.                                           

                                             As much in love with love and life as ever.

                                                                                                          aloque

Current Mood: Happy Indeed!
Current Music: Crazy town - Butterfly

My reading of the newspaper is usually restricted to the sports page and the cinema page every so often, but reading this morning's edition I came across all these protests about the Chatterjee hanging. I wonder what the protestors would deem an ideal punishment for the rape and murder of their 14 year old sister/daughter. I am guilty of detachment just the same as these people are, even if at opposite ends of the spectrum. That I am in the comfort of my own home is probably an insignificant issue. If they protest for the life of a murderer, what exactly are their feelings for the victim? In theory, I do not subscribe to vindictive justice, that a person has to be punished by society for a crime. What is the issue involved in this? What is the take-home message? That rape and murder are unforgivable crimes? That this punishment is to dissuade future offenders? That this is justice? Then why is this the first capital punishment in India in almost a decade? Has only one woman been raped and murdered in all this time? That Hetal Parekh had to die at age 14, thats unjust. That Chatterjee had to be hanged, singled out from an ocean of filth, is surely unjust as well. I think the bastard deserved to die for taking someone else's life into his own hands, but not this way, when thousands of people who have done the same or more are roaming free. Its only reinforces the belief that people are innocent until caught redhanded. That is the take-home message.

Current Mood: Worried
Current Music: none

Courage is a funny thing. I would be borrowing words when I say, "First you got to do the thing that scares you shitless, and then you get the courage to do it", but when someone else has already said it better than I could, then I see no shame in borrowing them, with the appropriate gratitude, of course.

Had a strange feeling last night as I was driving back home. Maybe its was because I was listening to someone talking about something similar the day before, but for the first time ever, I felt like I knew too many people and had too less time to spend with them. I guess that on some level, I had been asking for that for ever. Now that it has happened, I don't quite know what to think of it.

Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: none

Life is about people, isn't it? Well, I guess mine is. Forgetting all the shitty solitary is turning out to be easier than I had imagined it would be. In fact, I would do it all over again. No, wait, up for review in 20 years.

Its amazing how much people can surprise you if you let them. If you only open yourself to them. I have spent a long time torn between being a big brother or being a friend. It is hard to know what to say when he tells you about how much he can drink at 17. Do I be accepting or do I lecture? Its hard to not tell him all the mistakes that I have made when he tells me about his first love. Do I tell him how to handle his relationships or let him make his own mistakes? I guess I had been making the same mistake I have made with almost everybody in my life, not giving them enough credit, being the 'surely, I know better' kind of asshole that I can be. Well, I must thank him for being himself and letting me see that he is someone who can handle himself without my help, and probably better than I would have done myself. Its humbling to learn from someone who I thought to be, for the lack of a better word, lesser. In age, in experience, in my opinion. Thanks for showing me bro, I am proud to be here, as a brother, as a friend, as whatever you need me to be. I guess you have always been here, the same as you are. I just did not respect you enough.

Another thing about people is the thoughts that leap to mind on first impressions. Saw someone today, and the first thought was, "man, those are some long arms". Ten minutes later I was thinking, "wow, I wonder how her parents' look like". Another ten minutes later, " Is she the missing link?". But I spoke to her, and now that I am home, the arms seem perfect. Getting to know someone has a way of dulling or sharpening focus on their imperfections, I guess. I not anything else, the drives home will be more exciting from now. Also, as always, this could be THE day.

Well, new experiences, to repeat myself, lead to new perspectives, and however important it is to not lose myself in this exciting time, it is also about discovering myself. Finding all those things that have been inside of me waiting for the right person/experience to release them. I believe the person I am, the person I am going to be, the person I am capable of being, all exist already, in one tangled mess that is the object of my life to untangle.

Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: none

This is a great forward I got. I am always caught midway between believing in astrology and dismissing it as rubbish. I gravitate towards one end and then something happens that is too mindboggling to ignore, and I am back to being smack in the middle of the dilemma. Anyway, I found this to be extremely accurate about me.  Let me know what you guys reading this think.

I fell from a cypress tree.
WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?

Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is
really cool and somewhat accurate, also in line with
Celtic astrology.

Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree
Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) -Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 -Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only) - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 (only) - Beech Tree


YOUR TREE (in alphabetical order)


Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and s hy at times, lots
of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude,
flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in
love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and
tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves
children, needs affectionate partner.

Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive,
vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for
criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes
to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable,
restless lover, sometimes money rules over the
heart, demands attention, needs love and much
emotional support.

Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned
about its looks, materialistic, good organization of
life and career, economical, good leader, takes no
unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime
companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports,
etc.).

Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive,
elegant, friendly, unpre tentious, modest, does not
like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves
life in nature and in calm, not very passionate,
full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm
and content atmosphere.

Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows
how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good
health, not in the least shy, tends to look down,on
others, self- confident, a great speaker,
determined, often impatient, likes to impress
others, has many talents, industrious, healthy
optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make
quick decisions.

Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature,
impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to
be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be
irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard
worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not
understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very
loyal in love, physically fit.

Cypress Tree (Faithfulness ) -- strong, muscular,
adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't
necessarily like it, strives to be content,
optimistic, wants to be financially independent,
wants love and affection, hates loneliness,
passionate lover which cannot be satisfied,
faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and
careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be
needed.

Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape,
tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to
forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to
obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making
decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good
sense of humor, practical.

Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit
self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates
contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants
to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and
animals, few sexual relationships, great sense of
humor, has artistic tal ent and great intelligence.

Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste,
handles stress well, loves anything beautiful,
stubborn, tends to care for those close to them,
hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes
idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at
work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many
friends, very reliable.

Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of
humor, very demanding but can also be very
understanding, knows how to make a lasting
impression, active fighter for social causes and
politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented,
honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of
judgment and expects complete fairness.

Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares
for its looks and condition, good taste, is not
egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible,
leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for
kindness and acknowledgment in a n emotional
partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy
with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never
sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working,
accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying
to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates
fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may
appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting,
always willing to make sacrifices for family and
friends, has many talents but not always enough time
to use them, can become a complainer, great
leadership qualities, is jealous at times but
extremely loyal.

Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary
person, full of imagination and originality, shy and
reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers
for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many
complexities, good memory, learns easily,
complicated love life, wants to impress.

Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous,
strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not
like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of
action.

Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind
feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression
and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm,
well-developed sense of justice, sensitive,
empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the
company of sophisticated people.

Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company,
craves peace and harmony, loves to help others,
active imagination, likes to write poetry, not
fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to
all, falls strongly in love but will leave if
betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self
esteem, needs affection and reassurance.

Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative,
talented, not very self-confident, extremely
courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant
surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great
animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer,
tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any
situation, takes partnership seriously.

Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful,
gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention,
loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications,
is both dependent and independent, good taste,
artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does
not forgive.

Walnut T ree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and
full of contrasts, often empathetic, aggressive,
noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions,
spontaneous, unlimited ambition, little flexibility,
very loving and uncommon partner, not always liked
but often admired, ingenious strategist, very l
oving and passionate, no compromise.

Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress
free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams,
attractive, very empathetic, loves anything
beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to
exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be
influenced but is not easy to live with when
pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition,
suffers in love until they find that one loyal,
steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh

Current Mood: Confused
Current Music: none

The other day I was watching Oprah (big fan, she is an inspiration) (ok, Adi. Relax!!) and she was talking about full circle moments in life. She had a funny way of saying it with her hands circling about madly, like the audience was deaf-mute or just plain dumb. Anyway, the point was that life has a way of coming a full circle. And then we grasp a little bit of a handle on how much our perspectives have changed or how much we have grown or regressed as a person. Life has a strong sense of de ja vu, it seems.

My blog public-private-public. Full circle.

I remember as a kid, when girls were just girls, another part of the human race. People, basically. Friends, mostly. Guys and girls coexisted without any sort of mind games. Then there were all those years tht every girl I met was a possible someone I could be with. All the time wasted thinking about making a good impression. The dos, the don'ts. The whys, the why nots. It was hard to be friends without thinking of what else was possible. After all, a friendship was a good platform for something more, I thought. Of late, there has been too many people around me that are interesting, and as I gain some security of my own, seeing them as people, some as friends even, without thought of what the future might hold has become easier. And it is very liberating as well. Platonic relationships are possible. Full circle. *arms circling like a mad ape*

People from my past. They seem to be rushing back in all of a sudden. Not that I am complaining. It has been wonderful. I am excited at getting to know them all over again. Its a wonder though. The circumstances then and now are totally different. Some I knew well. Some were just acquaintances. But they are all here again, and Hyderabad seems like the home I left behind 5 years ago. Full circle. *the mad ape thing again*

Onto other things, Angel is out of here, and now, so is the Princess. The pioneers of the place have left one by one. Aran, you are the only one left from the old school. There is something about fullhydblogs that seems to close in and suffocate people out of normal life and replace it with a choking, constricting grasp around the throat. Something had to give. At first I wished you guys had stuck it out, but fighting a battle like this one is pointless. I can totally understand why you did it. Much happiness to you guys. Give life hell.

Friendship is an amazing thing. Two strangers choose to share parts of their lives, giving trust and understanding. kindness and sympathy. An ear that listens, a word of admonishment. Choosing to care. Forming friendships is an easy thing. Expectations and thoughts of the future tend to creep in, as do differences. Why can't we just live in the bloody moment. Things are pretty fucked up as it is, without us screwing them up more.

Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: none

There is something to be said for waking up in the middle of the night and feeling like two hours of sleep is more than my share. Today is a day that should seem longer than normal. Even though every year this day dawns shitty as hell, I thought this one would be different. Thanks Mr. N for the new perspective. Your hot poker to heat up three times as fast. Well. hold that until the day ends at least.

Family is so sweet. Mom especially. Hugs me like a little girl, eats a little cake and plonks unconscious on the bed. Long day she's had. Dear darling T, when you come and read this and I hope you do, you really did make my day start off on a fantastic note.

Have any of you been infected by the damned pop-up window virus? I am continually denying Amy a tease. ALT + F4 Amy. Or being asked to sign up for exciting times ahead. SUSPENSE! Well,  ALT + F4 to your ass too.

On other important issues, the particans have added a new member to thier lists. The only problem being, the new member 'missed' something.

Current Mood: Happy Indeed!
Current Music: no music

I know that I was speculating before that the universe might be contriving to make me more than I deemed possible. But, that was just speculation. And as most speculation is, it is more prone to be wrong than right. Except that this speculation is not. Not wrong, that is. The universe is showing me the time of my life right now, and very dangerously erasing from my mind all the pessimism that says that things are too good to be true, thereby leaving me defenseless against possible disaster. I am in a mindlessly happy state, and all those out there thinking 'manic depressive' - who made you the expert? If I have one complaint against the universe is that it is without a sense of balance. Well, when it comes to me anyway. When it rains, it pours is the cliche that suits my life best right now. And unusually I am ripping my helmet off to get drenched instead of waiting for the storm to pass.

What I am saying is that there is no point in approaching things half heartedly. Either I be the grand wuss that I am or go cold turkey and give it my all and expose myself to horrible and unimaginable pain. I play the safety first game better than anyone else. And as we all wear our various facades, some of them do take over parts of our lives and become us. We cannot all be Dorian whose picture gets the worst of his actions. In our frantic efforts to present our best selves, we scar the only self we have, however damned ugly it is, and some scars are permanent.

This is a good time to say to all those people out there that have brightened up my life over the past few weeks that I am over the moon that I had the opportunity to meet them.

TP - wazaaa man, you the winner.

Current Mood: Grand
Current Music: none

Life has been different lately. Good different. Different always makes way for new perspectives, new experiences and maybe new mistakes. That is good too. I am the kind of person that has had to make mistakes to learn whatever I have. I am kind of stupid and bullheaded that way. So, sometimes my demons become me and I am reduced to a cowering wimp. I just want to hide and all the carefully laid plans get chucked out of the window when the winds of change blow in and once again, although it seemed impossible yesterday, blow me in a new direction. But each time then, something happens that I did not expect, and something that seems totally appropriate, something even my own best plans could not have hatched on their own, and I remember Coelho and believe that the universe is contriving to make me a better person.

I guess the point of all of this is to accept change, open a small window in the glass cages I have carved around my heart, to be unafraid, to finally be able to feel my heart beat, instead of stopping within me when I talk about being brave, or when I dream about overcoming it, or I dare to hope that she can see beyond, knowing within that I do not have the courage to see beyond what I am, knowing that I will not let anyone close enough to see me the way I want to be seen. When will I be free of this? Find me before my fears leave behind my empty shell. I don't think I can ever be strong enough alone. Not even with Paulo and his infinite universe as my crutch.

Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: wish there was a pictur for my mood right now

Unfettered, I have roamed, my will

a vagrant, thrown around by wavering

winds of convenience and ease,

changing directions to skirt obstacles,

instead of fighting, pleasures avoiding,

the courage I had was but cowardice.

Voices waged a war inside my head,

siphoning volume from my insecurities.

My own voice is a whisper in the chaos,

lost, as I bend and crawl, unconscious,

like a puppet on a string. The freedom

I had set me free only from my self.

All the emotion left inside me now may

not suffice, but I place in you my faith

and surrender to the shackles of truth.

Lead me where you will, I will follow,

Command me as you will, I will submit.

This belief I have is but my blindness.

Current Mood: Bad Hair Day
Current Music: none

I guess this is more of an experiment to see if in this state I can actually write. Now, by this state, I mean a state of party induced exhaustion, real roll on the floor, tear in the eyes, tummy ache until you want to die laughing induced exhaustion.

Today was such a trip! It was about mellow moods, loads of music, long conversations, fleeting glances, self restraint, midnight bike rides and getting drenched in the early morning rain. Add to that so much laughter.

Still don't want to sleep. My Sunday is already looking mighty small. I am glad for all the night duties. 22 hours and still up like the energizer rabbit. Guess I will stick around for the sunrise.

 

 

Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: none

all new comers see the previous post

 

Current Mood: Happy Indeed!
Current Music: none