Disheartened Hostile Smiling people
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 5 September 2005, 3:59pm
People always ask me: How do you come up with ideas for a post, week after week? Well, one of the sweetest things about writing a blog like this is that it requires, besides a severe lack of judgment, me to go out and experience things. It's easy to write about things that happen to me. It's not as easy to sit at a computer and make up juvenile jokes like some other internet shut-ins I could mention. Some people don't believe that everything I write about is real, which is probably fair since I'm a pathological liar by nature, believe me!! Here's what (may have) happened:
-The other day I turned on the magic box to my favorite 24x7 music channel, for my daily dose of country music. Much to my chagrin and appall, I found that my favorite channel had been dismantled and replaced with a much inferior channel that doesn't play country, it plays Hotel California THREE TIMES IN A ROW. I have no idea what happened, but my best guess is that sometime during the night someone who REALLY liked shitty synth tunes from the 80s stormed into the Hathway building and seized the turntables, possibly following a violent struggle. It's been 3 days and I still don't have a clue as to why are things always so messed up for me. This shocking turn of events got me so depressed that I headed out for a 'peaceful' drive...
-Frequent readers of this blog know that I am culinarily impaired, and hence eat out a lot. It's pretty rare that I eat at Ohri's, though. It's hard for me to pinpoint the reason. Maybe it's because the food out there is expensive.
-On this particular day, I elected to eat at Ohri's because I had been issued a free coupon for one free Big Cheese Burger with the purchase of any soft drink. This, to me, seemed like a fair and sensible deal. I wasn't expecting a problem, until the Disheartened Hostile Smiling cashier submitted this week's Quote of the Moment: "I've never seen this kinda coupon before. What is it?" Seems I found the single non-participating Ohri's Restaurant in the whole of South India.
-I've never worked for the Ohri's Corporation, so I can't say for certain what the cost to them would be of a free Big Cheese with purchase of a regular-sized coke, but if I were to harbor a guess I'd say the loss probably won't keep their children from going to school. But when I tried to explain this very sensible and not-at-all insane concept to the Disheartened Hostile Smiling Employee, he blinked a few too many times and then said, the only thing I can think of, that could top his previous Quote: "I'll have to ask the manager." Nothing is more humiliating than holding up the line while the Ohri's crack forensics team analyzes my coupon. I should probably also mention that this particular Ohri's food court had the television tuned to the All-New 24x7 music channel that was still playing Hotel California!!!
-After a few minutes, the manager, look-alike of a 16-year-old boy whom I used to beat up in high school, came over to see me. He had clearly been hardened by years of people trying to pass off counterfeit coupons, and was hell-bent on keeping me from obtaining my Free Burger with Purchase of Regular Soft Drink. He accused me of causing a disturbance. I tried telling him that if I really had the motivation and cunning to make my own coupons, I would at least have the sense to make the drink free as well. Unfortunately, I was so worked up that the only sounds I could produce were a few yelping noises, followed by a shriek of defeat and the sound that coins make when you throw them as hard as you can in the direction of a Disheartened Hostile Smiling Ohri's Employee. I had essentially been blackmailed into purchasing a Big Cheese Burger.
-With the matter of the coupon peacefully resolved to its inevitable win-win conclusion, I proceeded to place my order. Here's a transcript: ME - "I'd like a Big Cheese Burger Combo with an ice tea." CASHIER (smiling) - "Is that for here or to go?" ME - "For here is fine." CASHIER (smiling) - "Alright, what will you have?" ME (irritated) - "I told you. A Big Cheese Burger meal with an ice tea." CASHIER (smiling) - "Would you like to have a Super-Size combo for an extra 40 bucks?" ME - "No thanks." CASHIER (smiling) - "And was that a parcel?" ME (agitated) - "For here! Goddamn you!" CASHIER (smiling) - "And what would you like to drink with that?" ME (smiling) - "The blood of your first-born, if it's fresh." (the blood, not the kid)
-You may be wondering why I did not, as any other sensible God-fearing person would have done, flee the restaurant as quickly as I could. I guess I just wanted to see how the whole thing would play out. I was starting to think that the Disheartened Hostile Smiling Ohri's Employee and his prepubescent boss were going to accuse me of kidnapping the RBI Governor before the day was through. I don't even know what I would do with him if I did somehow get him locked in my house, but I imagine it would have something to do with creating false coupons.
-Off-topic note: I have to stop going to the movies. Every time I'm at the theater, I meet someone I haven't seen for years and don't want to talk to. So I always make a dive for the bathroom, but it never works, and then I end up in some horribly awkward conversation about why I hadn't spoken to them in so long. ("Hey, you! I remember you! F*** you!")
-And, finally, when I wanted to pay for my purchase with a 500 rupee note, they told me they couldn't accept 500s because of the high counterfeiting rate. I told them that I knew that MY 500s were ok because I made them myself. They didn't laugh, and continued to refuse my money. So I gave them fake 50s instead...
Current Mood: Shocked
Current Music: Crazy in Love...
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Journey, With Eyes wide open
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 30 June 2004, 8:10am
Being in transit is my favorite time.
I define *in transit* as being between one place and another, experiencing the true potential of transitioning between a nostalgic past and a shining future. Though I know that it could be said metaphorically that all life is like that, it
Current Mood: Heroic
Current Music: Sea Ray - "Revelry"
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