Whaaat a predicament!!
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 12 August 2004, 12:04am
Can now say, unequivocally and with total confidence, that I have finally seen the worst movie ever made by mankind...
It was made in the 70's, and it is called "Zombie". It was made by Italians, and every single person involved in its production, including every single actor, is Italian, but the film is about Americans with awkwardly indeterminate British accents.
The plot centers around a "zombie island" called "Matool" where people are inexplicably rising from the dead and v e r y s l o w l y attacking everybody.
The framing is so bad on most of the shots that you are generally unable to see the characters' faces while they are talking. There is also a long scene where all you can see is an intense close-up of a person's shoulder. And there is the most unnecessary, gratuitous booby-shot I have ever seen in a movie, involving an actress scuba-diving topless, which seems unbelievably ridiculous to me.
Okay, so apart from all of that very compelling evidence, can I just tell you that the movie involves a scene in which this topless girl scuba dives down to the bottom of the ocean to take pictures of fish. While she is down there, she is attacked by a shark. The shark is listless, fat and looks unhappy. We also soon stopped laughing when we realized that the way they filmed this scene was by removing all the shark's teeth. This made me very sad. My sadness was lifted only slightly by the revelation of what I consider the film's true selling point as Worst Movie Ever;
After the woman is attacked by the shark, she backs slowly into an underwater cavern to hide from the shark, which is still swimming sluggishly above her, its apathetic movements suggesting heavy dosages of tranquilizers. The woman backs slowly...slowly....and then, BAM!
UNDERWATER ZOMBIE!!
okay, I know what you're saying. You're saying, "I agree with you. You need say no more--this truly is the worst movie ever made!"
But you haven't heard the crowning achievment of the film: The shark comes back around, and the zombie starts actually trying to EAT the SHARK!
ZOMBIE VS. SHARK, I AM NOT KIDDING!!!
It's honestly the most f***d up thing ever. The toothless shark is so emo, but Zombie vs. Shark is so amazing. Think about it. Underwater Zombie vs. Toothless Shark. Oh god. What were they thinking?
Then the woman makes it back up to the boat, and they lug her out of the water, breasts jiggling, and she gasps and gasps for air, and then she says, "there was a...a...a MAN!"
Current Mood: Desperate
Current Music: i shot the sheriff
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