Trrriiinnnngggg....Trrriiinnnngggg..Helloo??
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 4 March 2005, 8:46pm
In every group of friends, there is always one cell phone hater. Someone who has despised cell phones with all his might since the day of their cursed, most shittily-manufactured, highly overpriced and more-trouble-than-it's-worth inception. That person is not me. I swear!
Inevitably, this person also has a cell phone. Now I guess I've to admit that I am this person that we are discussing about. I, of course do own one of those little ringing bastards, that promises 'Connecting People'; but trust me they often do a better job of disconnecting people. At most times; I am a walking analogy for every group of friends. But I don't consider this hypocrisy for two reasons. One, there are a lot of products I despise & scorn but still use anyways; one-ply toilet paper, dryers, automatically flushing sinks, women, unflushed urinals...just to name a few of them & the list goes on! And two, I have successfully convinced myself that a cell phone is just another cordless phone with an infinite range. Ok..fine, I'm might just have appeared to be a highly imaginative misogynist with a pungent distaste for public restrooms. But the point is, why do I yearn for a phone with a camera? (How...ironic.)
Who, on earth, decides what should be the latest feature for every brand's latest phone anyway? Is it the same asshole who decided that boot-cut black jeans will be back in style, causing me to buy a couple of them in the off season sale when faded dirt stains were also back in swing? Because that person still owes me a personal apology from 2001. Mainly because black jeans do not hold on to dirt stains easily, and also because I now have several 256-pixel-resolution embarrassing moments caught on more than ten different phone cameras and e-mailed to at least 25 address books by now. I particularly resent the one where I looked like an alien in the middle of a crowded hotel elevator. I mean seriously, those kinds of pictures need a caption. Who's with me on this one? A couple of 'address books raise their hands'?!?!? Damn all of you, especially those of you with Gmail accounts capable of holding my entire embarrassing camera phone collection.
I'm already struggling to think of the latest new feature that got added on a phone before the ambiguously-functional antenna.... Was it the multi-color screen display that cuts battery life in half essentially confining your phone to the wall (worthless)? Or the digital-glowing analog clock? Perhaps it was the combination of the two, where the digital-glowing analog clock with permanent backlight display drains enough battery to turn your phone into a wall clock requiring an AC adaptor connected to it all the time. Either way, it's enough to make me keep shopping around to find a phone that actually has both of these features, plus a 256-pixel camera, a purported built-in antenna, and the ability to leave my home/car for three hours without needing to recharge. Oh, and of course, they have to 'PROMISE' me that they will let me wait 'TWO FULL YEARS' (at least) before I can upgrade to one additional useless feature without paying more than a new Ford Fusion+, incidentally also known as "regular price."
Of course, I am partly to blame for almost all of the physical deformations and technological dysfunctionalities that have plagued my cell phones over the years. I have combed the Nokia website many times and never found a place where it advises dropping their NOKIA 2210 into a glass of hot milk while watching Schuey kick some ass at N
Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: Original Prankster - OffSpring
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