Category: Bipolar Disorder

Implosion Of Pain!

XLNC Bipolar Disorder | By Aditya | 2010 Trackbacks (0) Add comment   
"Someone is waiting for you"...that's what the road sign says!

Probably suggesting that you should be driving carefully, should try to get to your house safe and sound.

But what if the sign is just a tease, a mockery of your present status. Mocking you at the fact that you are all alone, desolated and abandoned!

What if the sign is there just to amplify the state in which you are? The sign post is placed strategically to capture your eyes attention and then slowly go on to ruin your train of thought!!

A sign just to ridicule your present condition and torment your brain!

What if that makes you do something crazy? What if it drives you off the edge? And inside your brain there is a cacophony of emptiness, an eruption of silence and an implosion of pain! And then... finally darkness!!

One more reason why I don't drive :)

Half Past Midnight!!

XLNC Bipolar Disorder Time | By Aditya | 2009 Trackbacks (0) Add comment   
Its now one o'clock, as I type this. Its been half an hour since I had my last delusion.

And the question is am I a figment of your imagination or you of mine??

I am perplexed with life, my stupid delusions and amazingly composed dreams.

And I have to live on until death becomes my side kick. Not necessary yet relevant.

As pain grips my body, and my eyes turn bloodshot. As my nerves swell with fluid and my heart starts pumping in too much blood, I realize or infact come to conclude that you are all a figment of my imagination!

That you aren't even here! I am just seeing things, like Cole Sear in The Sixth Sense. Are you for real? Are the people I see, meet and talk to, are the people on television, radio and anomynous commenters on invalid blogs the reality I presume?

Am I living a Truman Show? Am I living an Eternal Sunshine? or am I just living in the Matrix?

Am I part of the cure? Or am I part of the disease?
Oh! I beg, I beg and plead!

My Scars... Wounds That Never Heal?

Bipolar Disorder Time Poetry | By Aditya | 2009 Trackbacks (0) Comments (5)   

A bout with resurrection,
The failure learning from mistakes
My scars remind me that the past was real,
My scars are where Fate pierced me with cold steel.

The ways of Time-to inflict and forget,
Never too soon,never too late
My scars are silent screams,
My scars are broken dreams.

Hollow songs mark your lies,
Empty Poetry repeats the Truth to none
My scars are how Love hurt,
My scars were etched when I lost Hope.

Living upto the world that stretched me too far,
I cried,I bled when no one saw
My scars tell me that they will heal,
but wounds are those I’ll always feel.

Hailstorms of ideas,
Innovation inspired by the Legends,
But no one looks up.
Beauty in the innocence of age
And the world that kills it,
But no one looks up.

My scars are only for me to know,
My scars are only for me to feel.
My scars are my own,
That no other will know.


The Living Paradox!

Bipolar Disorder | By Aditya | 2009 Trackbacks (0) Comments (3)   

Paradox - Catch22, absurdity, ambiguity, anomaly, enigma, error, inconsistency, mistake, nonsense, oddity, contradiction, dilemma!

I shout at him, I scream at him, I hate him, I love him, I argue with him, I befriend him. But the problem is "HIM" is in my mind! I have full blown conversations to myself at times, infact most of the time. There are certain days when me being happy makes me sad. Isn't that like a contradictory statement? I rarely make sense!

Have you ever had a dream so real you couldn't tell the dream from the reality... and when you wake up you find it hard to tell what the dream meant? Like in the matrix movies?

I am a living paradox, I am happy when I'm sad and sad when I'm happy! I live a life so boring that it makes me annoyed to a point of enjoyment! I hate being where I am and I hate going to the place where the walls close in on me and fill my heart with dread.

Do you like smoke? I like it when it comes from an incense stick, it goes around in circles and fills the room. I like the forms it takes up and the way it moves. And what about the shapes of ripples? I absolutely love ripples. Symmetry personified. Remember my article about beauty and how ugliness is beauty, (Another Paradoxical statement of mine) I like symmetry but worship ugliness!

What for pity's sake am I typing? Am I making any sense at all? Am I in a state of mania? Fish knows!

Can anyone dispute the fact that I am most likely insane beyond help????

The Answers To Life, The Universe And Everything...

Bipolar Disorder | By Aditya | 2009 Trackbacks (0) Comments (6)   

Just found out that the answer to life, the universe and everything is actually 42 and not what we thought it to be. (Seriously just Google this - the answer to life, the universe and everything)

Well I am still confused, dazed, oblivious and in too deep with the very reason behind the answer to life. And I also found out that the only way a person will feel alive is when the person gets out of his/her comfort zone and is ready to set new expectations and change.

Betty commented on my “My Virtual Outburst” by saying this “XLNC, u are just 21, u have plenty of time to discover answers...” So I thought of replying by a post.

The problem is I don’t want to FIND or DISCOVER answers anymore... someone just give them to me! Because I am sick of all the dilly-dallying and beating around the bush, wasting time finding answers to life’s simple questions.

Coming back to me being just 21... Let us just look at some of my options – can I become (from where I am right now) an astronaut or a pilot or a journalist? The answer is a MAY BE with a very small percentage being yes. WHY? Cause by being where I am right now, life has deleted a lot of my ambitions and goals. Anyways by following rules, regulations and definite norms I bind myself together tighter and tighter and in doing so I become someone who is a mechanical man more than a human. So I wish to fall into an abyss than kneel to THE PLASTIC AGE.

Am I a function or am I a feeling?
Am I just a corpse searching for my soul?
The destined answer lies far away...
In search of truth I wander and stray.
Am I alive or waiting to be dead.
Whats all this noise inside my head?

Anyways, there has been a delay between my posts due to a short vacation but in other news my next post is on its way pretty soon! So readers of my crappy blog rejoice.

P.S. - Yes that is my pic on the right. And I am 22 now but was 21 when I wrote the post "My Virtual Outburst" a few months ago before i actually posted it.

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