Do you ever start out whispering to someone, like in the library or in the class or in a movie hall for example, and then realize that there's so much background noise that you have to start doing a "yell-whisper" just so the other person can hear you? And then at some point, one of you decides to "break the whisper" and talk normally. Then you both feel like idiots for having whispered for so long, so you make awkward jokes about why the hell you were whispering.

- College days..

In your college days have you ever gotten an exam or paper back from a professor and it has one grade crossed out or scribbled through and another grade written next to it? What the hell is that?! So then it's like "What the hell happened HERE? Was the other one higher or lower? Hey, is that an "A" under the scribbling?? It better NOT be!!" And what on earth would make a professor write one grade and then suddenly decide to change it?! From now on, I'm going to impose the "once you pick up your pen, you can't take it back" rule. Right after I impose the "A for effort" rule.

- Domestic Issues..

When we changed our apartment recently, we fired the cook who made lunch and dinner for our fraternity because she made shitty food. What we didn't take into consideration is that leaving hunger decision-making to a group of 6 fraternity guys (Yes, we were 8 when WTC happened!!) is not exactly a practical move. Our food budget was promptly spent on a two-week supply of pizzas and Top Ramen Noodles. That's two weeks in real-person eating terms. Placing a mountain of anything remotely tasty in front of a large group of hungry nomads is like asking a pack of rabid wild wolves to share a piece of flesh and put the leftovers back in the refrigerator for tomorrow. It just doesn't happen (unless the wolves were particularly full from an earlier meal and there happened to be a wild refrigerator around).

- Back to Awkward Situations..

Sneezing in public can be a complicated situation. First, there's the question of what to do if somebody sneezes once and nobody says "God bless you". Usually, you either feel like an asshole for expecting someone else to do it, or you just pretend like you didn't hear it or you're not religious or something. If the person sneezes twice, though, somebody has to say it. If there's a third sneeze, someone has to make the "Gosh, are you OK?!" joke. But then, when someone sneezes four times, it's like "What the heck, I'm not going to say fucking bless you again! You've got your sympathy, now shut up!!" Not to mention the fact that quadruple-sneezes are highly dangerous.

- Failed Hookup Quote

I saw this guy dancing all night with a girl he met during our boss' birthday party: While we were about to wind up he says: "I couldn't think of anything better than to take you home with me tonight, nor would I think of anything more." I'm not sure if this is the guy being hopelessly romantic or just hopelessly ambiguous.

- How I wish..

I always hate it when people ask me to borrow a pen. No matter how hard I tell myself to remember to get it back, it never happens. Basically, when someone asks me to borrow a pen now, I comply with "Damn You %^$#()@#*%! That's the fifth time I've been hit today! Could you give us a few moments alone first?"

- Another wish...

I think as long as everyone else is getting a cell phone, my cell phone should also get one too. Those ringers just aren't good enough anymore because the beeping sound is usually muffled by a 4-foot pile of clothes and other junk that I kept accumulating all the way. I actually need to CALL my cell phone and ask it where the hell it's hiding in my room. Of course, I'd have to borrow the phone from someone else; just to call it and ask where it is, so maybe it's pointless. But wouldn't it be funny if you called it one time and got it's voice mail? "Hi, you've reached your cell phone. Please leave a message and I'll call you back on myself. Hahahaha!! You'll never find me!"

Sometimes my friends will say something to me that starts with either "Don't let me forget to..." or "remind me to...". These are absolutely the two most worthless phrases in everyday conversation. If my brain had any additional capacity to remember extra information, it would certainly start with more important things like going to office in time or how much I've to pay to my ever-growing credit card debt, not helping other people with daily tasks.

- Girlfriend Guys...

Everybody knows at least one "girlfriend guy." These are the guys who you could introduce to your friends and just go ahead and introduce their girlfriend too, even if she's not around. These guys will almost always speak in terms of their girlfriend, even when not prompted to. Like this one time I casually made conversation by asking this guy what he was up to and he said, "Well, my girlfriend hasn't called me back yet, so I'm not sure." What the hell are you supposed to say to that?! It's like, "Oh, Well, let her know I called, and maybe we can finish the conversation when she gets back to you" Meanwhile you hope in despair to meet someone who didn't forget to pick up their social skills from their girlfriend's bedroom.

- Names...More Names...

While in your college have you ever met someone from class and become pretty good "campus friends" only to find out that after you are out of college (like 3 months afterwards) that neither of you knows the other person's name? At that point, it's too late for either one of you to ask, so you have to have this special friendship where no sentence requires the use of each other's name. And any time it appears a third party is about to enter the conversation, you have to say "Ok, well, I have to get going man" because heaven forbid the weirdness of your special friendship should be exposed by having to do an introduction.

Speaking of not knowing names, don't you hate it when people you meet at your work will find out which college are you from and then start asking you if you know certain people from your college? They'll get all excited and shit like, "Oooohh, ooohh, do you know [someone you don't know, have probably never seen, and will never care about]?!! Actually, he's a fresher, so you wouldn't know him, but what about [someone who's in your batch, but you obviously still don't know]?!!" I'm like, "No, I've never heard of them, but maybe if you ask me about another one of the 2,500 people at my college I'll get really annoyed and start asking you if you know this one guy in my college who's name I still can't figure out."