You Drive me Crazy...
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 24 March 2005, 2:54pmHalf the population can't drive.
Seriously, I even wonder whether it's an epidemic. Too many people in this country cannot drive. And yet they continue to drive. The Government keeps issuing them licenses, and insurance companies keep cleaning the mess up. When you think about it, auto insurance companies are quite brilliant. They're basically profiting from stupidity. And if there's one commodity in India that's guaranteed to be always in supply, in abundance, it's stupidity.
I don't have a problem with it, but people really show their idiot mettle on the road. Allow me an anecdote here. I was driving from my home to my work. According to human calculations and it's a 45 minute drive. To be at work by 11am, I left at 9.45am, giving me an extra 30 minutes of leeway, and taking "traffic" into account.
Now.
When I say "taking traffic into account," I mean like if a truck full of pigs tips over into another truck full of chicken, and state police has to come by to figure it all out. But real traffic often gets all too confused with idiots who have never known what an indicator is, which lane to be in, where to take turn and where not to, or have any concept of speed control.
I can't bear children. Women can't drive. Nobody's perfect. Accept it.
Anyway, I didn't get to work until 11.20am. There was traffic all the way through, all right, but no pigs, no chicken. Nothing. Just stupidity. Though I did close to 80kmph at times (and 'am considered to be an expert at hobbin' and weavin'). Regardless, I was late, and my boss didn't accept "Fucking assholes on the road" as an excuse for tardiness.
But, as always I am the one for ideas. So I've compiled a list of "main road vermin" who need to get off our city roads and highways.
Unacceptable Drivers:
1. Women. This isn't meant to be funny. And this isn't meant to be all cute and sexist. Women cannot drive. I know a lot of women. None of them, except one, can drive (I keep telling her, exceptions prove the rule!). They have no concept of speed control. No concept of moving over, picking a lane, or making it through lights without creating a havoc for people behind. I know a lot of women reading this are getting their vocabulary skill horned up. Quit Driving. I can't bear children. You can't drive. Nobody's perfect. Accept it.
2. Old people. I've had it up to here with old people. They think they run the supermarket. They cannot cannot drive. In particular those short old women who can't see over the wheel (old and female-double whammy!) l!
3. Immigrants packed in a car / jeep / truck from the adjacent village on a major sight seeing spree across the city. Don't you just hate this? 97 members of the village head family just made it across the border, have some goofy flag draped across, chickens, cows and all the households tied to the roof, and they are all doing about 7 kmph down the busy main road at 10am.
4. Anyone driving a lamberrta or a Premier Padmini. If I have to explain this, you probably can't read anyway.
5. Auto-Ricks. Self-Explanatory..The most unfortunate invention ever!
6. Seven-Seaters: Ugh, the incestual cousin of the auto-rick, equally, or may be more harmful for a normal driver!
7. Families. For the record, despite the fact Dad is probably driving, I don't blame him. You got 'Mom' in the passenger side trying to navigate with all the composure of Muhammad Ali in a Jenga competition, and you got the 2.5 children in the backseat yelling, hitting each other, throwing things. Dad's just trying to maintain speed so he doesn't lose his damn mind and veer into a wall, just for some peace. I say we should make all family vacations illegal. The poor Dad has to work 60 hours a week, and put up with this on his long weekend? How is this any worse than raping someone?
Now, some people I don't mind on the road.
Acceptable Drivers
1. Men. You knew that already.
2. Teenagers. A lot of people hate teen drivers. I've got no problem with them. They drive fast. They don't think before acting (hence making traffic move very smoothly).
3. Drunk drivers. Here we go. Cue "A drunk driver killed my best friend, boo hoo!" I love drunk drivers. I am fully supportive of getting sloshed and driving down the highway. First of all, we need a little excitement in our lives. Second, everything is made exponentially more entertaining with the inclusion of alcohol, especially driving. And driving drunk is fun anyway. Come on, who doesn't love a challenge?
That's about it, and since I don't have any grandiose way to end things, here are some lyrics you might enjoy:
"Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need commission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative...."
Current Mood: Crude
Current Music: I really really want you to see me..So baby dont trun off the lights :-)
Posted in General | Next | Previous | Comments (12) | Trackbacks (0)
1. By Aran | 25 Mar 2005, 12:41am
Hahahaha... "with all the composure of Muhammad Ali in a Jenga competition" -- priceless!!
And I'm Numero Uno in your unacceptable drivers list. Isn't that sweet? :D
I have one friend who says he will NEVER sit in the car when I am driving after all of 'one' time he did that, one who says I am ok, one mother who gets high BP in my passenger seat and one father who thinks I'm very good. Go figure... :p
2. By Stand-Alone Dreamer | 25 Mar 2005, 1:58am
:) 2 - 2 Hmmm..."Never" is scary!!!
But it wud take much more than this to convince mois! :-p
Guess I've had too many bad days..Sigh!
3. By -:-PhAT-:- | 25 Mar 2005, 11:51am
u make me laugh..
4. By drp | 26 Mar 2005, 1:50am
did u jus' quote Britney Spears???
dude. ! [-x or is it dudette? :D
n yes..Need4Speed-ish drivers rock..:D
5. By jeez | 26 Mar 2005, 4:43am
You're trult the indian version of :http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.com/ ...only funnier
6. By blur | 26 Mar 2005, 7:03am
me girl, me freakin good at driving, dint hurt myself, better yet dint hurt(seriously hurt) anyone YET
BANG and hes back ladies and gentaaalemn
plz bow down.
7. By blur | 26 Mar 2005, 7:04am
again britney spears? u quoted her? something wrong?
8. By Aran | 26 Mar 2005, 1:07pm
What made you think there was any convincing going on? I enjoy my driving too much to bother about convincing people. :D
9. By Stand-Alone Dreamer | 27 Mar 2005, 1:44am
Thanks jeez, blur... :D
Aran:
A typical women trait.. :))
Let me know your daily routes beforehand..Let me live :-D
10. By Jaszalcatraz | 27 Mar 2005, 2:14pm
I just have something to say to blur......a bad driver isnt just someone who has hurt another person honey, so dont call urself a good one.
If I have my hate-crimes right, bad drivers are those who irritate you by making the most fundamental of driver errors and act as if its their way or the highway.
11. By Aran | 28 Mar 2005, 2:00am
No no. You don't have to worry about dying. I hit only inanimate objects. I've hit just three things in my entire driving life.
1. An auto (twice, same auto. now that's another story!)
2. A lamppost.
3. The divider. Hehehe... This was the coolest. :D
So unless you're standing still and pretending to be dead, I won't hit you. :)
12. By Stand-Alone Dreamer | 28 Mar 2005, 2:03pm
An Auto..That too Twice!!! Poor thing..(albeit I hate them from the bottom of my heart) Lamppost, Divider....
OOUUCHHHH!! You're far more dangerous than wht I initially percieved!
BTW: I'm proud abt what I wrote! Thanks for proving me right :)