Matinee
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 22 April 2005, 8:04pmSummertime is a wonderful time of year where families all over the world get together to celebrate togetherness like it was Christmas or something. Unless you're in one of those whacky and weird hemispheres like the Northern Hemisphere where all the seasons are reversed and the toilets flush backwards and people get eaten by polar bears on the way home from school. At least, that's what I hear from other people who, like me, have never visited that particular hemisphere because it's really, really far. I mean, it might as well be on Neptune or something, because I hear these days interplanetary travel is more convenient and hassle-free than a trip to the Northern Hemisphere. Anyway, here's what happened:
-If you're a clean, neat and sensible 'family' guy (and I know you're not) you probably think that going to a movie with your family on a weekend is a wholesome and fun-filled thing to do. This is true, provided that the year is 1956 and the family you're going with isn't mine. If you do not fall into one or both of these criteria, the movie-going experience will be a terrible one akin to being locked in a concentration camp with Rowan Atkinson. Whatever happened to that guy? I haven't seen him in anything since "Johnny English", where he played the 'unscrupulous' detective; laughing the ass out of everyone who dared to even walk by the movie halls that played it. Is he dead or something?
-The existence and well-being of crappy comedians aside, I thought I'd warn you that if you have the guts to go to a movie with your aunt (heretofore referred to as "my aunt") and her little kids and (to add to the misery as if this wasn't enough) my own little brother, be prepared to be the only family at the theatre. Families don't go to movies anymore. Now only guys (and girls..of course)on dates go to movies. And the guy, attempting to impress his zit-encrusted girlfriend who's wearing a "Stop Staring at my Chest" or "Site Under Construction" baby doll t-shirt, will laugh and point at you as you walk into the mega-multiplex with your aunt, her kids and brother as if in a tow. If you live in a particularly unrelenting neighborhood (like my native city) then the guy may even throw a few kernels of popcorn at you as you walk by. But my Aunt will be completely oblivious to all of this, because we're GOING TO A MOVIE; GODDAMN IT!! AND WE'RE GONNA ENJOY OURSELVES EVEN IF IT KILLS US. Ah, Summer!
-Many people may have noticed that the cost of purchasing a meal at a movie theatre is often comparable to the cost of constructing a major suspension bridge across Brahmaputra. However, if you are dumb enough to go to a movie with your family, you are probably dumb enough to pay Rs 25/- for a bag of cold, stale popcorn. I bet some theatre executive got paid a lot of money to come up with this brilliant marketing strategy: "Hey, if we charge more money at theatres, we make more money!" We must find this theatre executive (I'm sure he'll have his name embedded in the pack, somewhere)and bludgeon him to death with his own Nobel Prize in Economics..
-After spending your next year's whole salary on food; that even homeless people would think twice about before eating; for the 'little' brother, you will proceed into the theater proper. There, your family, into which you were praying, you were adopted, will insist on sitting in the front row. Now, here's the thing: 10 years ago, the front row was a coveted theatre position. That's because all the seats were directly behind each other, like you were on some kind of bus, and if someone who was over 4'7" sat anywhere in front of you; you would lose approximately 50% of the total viewing area. And back then, let me tell you, viewing areas were a lot smaller. The TV in my den is bigger than what a movie screen was when I was a kid. Boy, those were the days. When things were done right and you could get a glass of nice non-flavored mango juice for a rupee. Never mind.
-Now that I've effectively finished up writing the rather unstructured rant part of the blog, I wanted to tell you that modern theatres no longer cherish the front seats. Modern theatres implement what's known as "stadium seating", which means that the back row is 400 feet up, directly in front of (and often blocking) the projector, while the front row is no more than 3.5 inches from the actual screen. But my brother wanted to sit in the front row, which was cool, because it meant that while the movie was going on I could actually see the characters' individual DNA strands.
-Remember when you were little and you went to the movies and before the movie started you just kind of patiently stare at a blank screen for a half hour like some sort of a monk? Well, the movie industry decided that people were getting bored, so they decided to put something on the screen for you to gaze at before the movie starts. This is, of course, a PowerPoint slideshow for a Honda Accord. Oh boy! That's so much better than a blank screen! Do you know what a PowerPoint slideshow looks like from the front row of a movie theatre? Remember 'Asteroids'?
-Quote of the Moment: A guy comes up to an empty seat beside me, asks "Is this seat taken?". I say "No". He says "Of course it isn't! It's in the front row!" Then he walks off, laughing maniacally, no doubt to go make out with his date. Hey, girls love a guy with a sense of humor. I should know; I read about it in one of the Friday supplements.
-The average movie is two hours long. That's twenty minutes of movie, and an hour forty minutes of previews. There will come a time, mark my words, when people will pay 50 bucks a head, to just sit down and watch previews for the entire two hours, without even having the pretense of a movie to see. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. I'm just saying "Be ready"!
-At some point during the movie, your brother is going to have to go to the bathroom. Maybe it's because his bladder's too small. Maybe it's because he just drank 6 liters of watered-down coke. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. Whatever be the reason, you're going to have to get up and miss a good portion of the movie standing outside a bathroom stall looking like a registered sex offender despite the fact that your brother is fifteen years old, because your aunt, who is, in no offense, quite overprotective, will not have it any other way. That's OK, though; You're probably only missing the previews.
-As I left the theatre, family in tow, of course, I realized I was probably being a little immature. I mean, sure, it's embarrassing hanging out with my aunt, her two kids and my little brother on a weekend. And sure, all the tough neighborhood guys with their dates will probably beat me up the next time they see me, but Gosh Darn it, I'm twenty-five odd years old and I can be pardoned for doing something nice with my family every now and then.
And, hey, I know hanging out with your family isn't 'cool' or 'hip to the groove', but neither is writing over 1500 words complaining about it...
Current Mood: Heroic
Current Music: Tales of Brave Ulysses - Cream
Posted in Writing | Next | Previous | Comments (10) | Trackbacks (0)
1. By Jaan | 22 Apr 2005, 9:49pm
AW, so cute! Tum kitne ache bhai ho! With my younger brother, my only options are violent/action/adventure movies! The price a sister has to pay :(
Btw: its 1280 word count - exactly! I double checked in Word. LOL.
2. By Stand-Alone Dreamer | 22 Apr 2005, 9:59pm
Guess its time brothers grow up!
:)
3. By Jaan | 26 Apr 2005, 10:08am
No, not yet. Don't they just grow up so fast? I baby-ied him so much that I miss it :( *sigh*
4. By subliminalGuru | 26 Apr 2005, 1:13pm
reminds me of 'God of small things'...its just that the lemon has been replaced with the watered-down-coke. Good that u accompanied the bro to the loo...i guess ur aunt has read the book... :-)
5. By Stand-Alone Dreamer | 26 Apr 2005, 5:36pm
J: I gues I'm just unlucky! He's been growing up for a major part of 16 odd years now!
Guru: I'm sure she hasn't! But then you never know of 'em! :)
6. By San | 27 Apr 2005, 9:33pm
Like your style. Professional writer by any chance?
7. By Stand-Alone Dreamer | 27 Apr 2005, 10:13pm
Thanks!
Profession? Yes...but it ain't writing..How I wish though :(
PS: Do dragons really speak!?!?!
8. By Stand-Alone Dreamer | 27 Apr 2005, 10:17pm
Thanks!
Profession? Yes...but it ain't writing..How I wish though :(
PS: Do dragons really speak!?!?!
9. By Script Writer | 28 Apr 2005, 6:21pm
Some really cool writing this! Portions of it were of the quality of the H2G2 series. Amazing humour in parts.
Psst... it was supposed to be satirical, right? :)
10. By Stand-Alone Dreamer | 29 Apr 2005, 2:51pm
Whoa!!!!!
I can only take bow! :)