So Yeah..I am late!
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 27 July 2005, 10:52pmSo yeah, my column usually comes out twice a month; mostly on the first and last of the Sundays - God's day, but here's the thing. I was 'pre-occupied', all the Saturdays. I had the worst sore throat - and since I was popping Coldarins, Halls Menthalyptus, and Crocins simultaneously, Sunday wasn't any brighter. I spent the whole day coughing and sneezing around - creating a major havoc among the panic-stricken denizens around me (you should have guessed appropriately that I'd be surrounded by people from Uncle Sam's land).So I was sick all day Sunday, and then watched Michael burn his backside off at Silverstone & Hockenheim , my fingers hurt from constantly clicking refresh on the formula1.com live timing page because apparently the cable operator's grandfather decided to marry again and he went away switching off all the transmission; at least he didn't bother to give us any substantial explanation - so we assumed this (Ha! I feel so much better now!). Before I knew it, it was 12 p.m. and I didn't have a post. So, yeah, sorry... But hey, better late than never, right? And besides, it gives me a nice little gimmick to kick off this month's festivities.
I am late. Always....
I don't know how this happens. I try to be early. I really do. Often, I make a conscious effort to be on time, but God hates me (probably because I stamp on ants regularly). So the other day, I was getting ready for work. I generally start from home at 10:45. So I shave at 10:15; Comb my hair at 10:20; Iron at 10:27 (Ironing being the primary reason why I need an extra-girlfriend. Please help!!) That gives me roughly 15 minutes to chill out and then leave. So I was chilling...as 10:44 rolls around. I'm about to leave. Literally a foot out the door, Shit. I can't find my cell phone. (This is ironic because I traded away my last cell for a bigger one so that I'd never lose it. I never ever came close to losing my old one. I lose this piece of shit every fucking day.) So I spend 10 minutes looking for my cell. I find it, of course in the middle of my desk in plain sight. I get ready to leave again. Literally both feet out the door, Shit. I can't find my ID. I traipse around my apartment looking for another 5 minutes. It's in my backpack, which I take to work anyway. I get ready to leave again. Literally three feet out the door. My roommate stops me. "Hey, you owe me for the elec bill." That becomes a 5 minute conversation about 'The Ashes' and my daily adventures with Sphynx, my imaginary friend.
I'm fucking sick of everything, and if you don't know why, you're either a woman, or you're gay...
I finally get into my car. Of course I am stuck at all signals the because the fat traffic guy takes his own sweet time in manually changing the signals - all the bloody effort in automating those signal lights based on the traffic intensity has just been kidnapped, raped and murdered in public! Then there are these HI-TECH CITY roads. At the risk of sounding racist, I am sick to death of Americans, especially those Chinese-Japanese-Americans; who have the audacity to rent out cars in here and drive through our roads. They simply upset me for a variety of reasons other than their exploits with the four-wheelers. First of all, their language is stupid. with all those phony Chinese-American garbage incorporated and cutely nicknamed as 'accent'. Second, they should learn to fucking walk. They don't look where they are going, and they bump into me constantly, and since none of them crack the five foot barrier I'm terrified of stepping on one.
So of course, after all the Chinatown stunts I show up to work at 11.30, as boss after boss stares me down, not accepting any goddamn excuse. I'm late and it gets written in stone - day-after-day! Again, I'm not a racist, these people just upset me, like Communists. Just relax.
So I'm always always late. And it's not my fault. Because I always try to be early. But I'm stupid sometimes. During my academic days - My exam will be in 10 minutes. That gives me time to get a cup of coffee. But that coffee from the Nescafe machine in the campus won't do the trick. I've got to look for our favorite roadside cafe, which is hardly a 10 minute walk. I can assume that if I walk fast, which I do anyway because I'm not a girl, I can make it there, have a cup of coffee and get back in no time. Wrong...Wrong...Wrong!!!! Of course, everyone and their mother is at the cafe and not just ordering coffee. I finally get my coffee...five minutes late. Shit. I run back, figuring what the hell, it's only five minutes late. Then I remember, I had planned to study almost everything required for the exam in the last 10 minutes before the exam.
I had a date. It's at 7 p.m. I leave time to shower (10 minutes), shave (4 minutes), hair (6 minutes) and other 'extra curricular activities' (15-30 minutes). It's 6. Gives me time to work up my confidence, get all the pre-pubescent voice-cracking out of my system, make up a list of shit to talk about with her that doesn't include why my left testicle could beat my right one in a fight. I do all that. 6:45. I'm early. I grab the flowers. I spray on the imported cologne. I'm set. I'm money.
I walk into the girl's house. I knock the door, 4 minutes early, looking and smelling great. She answers the door. I say I'm here to pick you up for our date and I'm EARLY! She says we never had a date, she doesn't even know me, stop sending her friendship requests, stop staring at her from afar, stop peeping thru her window every 5.7 seconds, stop giving her blank calls, not saying anything but just breathing heavily, and stop showing up early for dates that don't exist.
How embarrassing. But at least I was on time for once. I gotta go..I'm late again. Sorry I was late....
Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: Someday Somewhere...
Posted in Personal | Next | Previous | Comments (10) | Trackbacks (0)
1. By sG | 28 Jul 2005, 8:28am
imaginary friends and imaginary girlfriends...guess i missed out on quite a few things...:-/
2. By rags | 28 Jul 2005, 11:52am
amazingly cool, as always :-)
3. By Stand-Alone Dreamer | 28 Jul 2005, 2:14pm
Thnkz! :-p
sG: None of the realities, missed your way, though! :-)
4. By sumi | 29 Jul 2005, 11:34pm
cool one, actually a really cool blog :) keep it going.
5. By s | 31 Jul 2005, 1:07am
Girls can walk fast actually; so long as they are wearing sensible footwear :)
6. By lumberg | 31 Jul 2005, 9:18pm
And where are those goddamn tps reports.
7. By Stand-Alone Dreamer | 1 Aug 2005, 1:01am
Sumi: 10q
Dragon: Did you say 'Sensible Girls'? :)
lumberg: tps reports!?!?! :-s
8. By The Crackednut | 7 Aug 2005, 10:53pm
loved the ending and skimmed over the rest... really didn't have the patience to read. Sorry, but I'm also pretty pissed with life, you see :|
Keep posting.
9. By Stand-Alone Dreamer | 8 Aug 2005, 11:28am
Wrong post at wrong time..huh!?!?
I know I'm either alwayz late or at the wrong time! :(
10. By Toeplitz | 9 Aug 2005, 4:52pm
LMAO!!! @ I can walk fast since I am not a girl