Confessions

rock_26iin | 16 January, 2007 15:13

I am an introvert and a loner. More so than anyone else who claims to be one. I push people away from me, I never get close to anyone, even the friends I have now are only because of circumstances or because they made an effort to become my friend. I would not say I am unsociable, but I enjoy solitude. I would not say I don't feel anything for anyone, but I do end up feeling too much for certain people and the heartbreak I've suffered when they go away has been too much to take. I would not say that I don't like anyone, its just that people I like, end up not liking me. But one thing I will say, I will not change. I will remain the same person for the entirety of my life. I will still be who I am, the same sarcastic fool who doesn't know a thing about anything. I am happy all the time, but sometimes I feel its a face for everything I do, for everything I feel, I don't want to let anyone into my enclosed space, into everything that is bottled up inside of me. I am too afraid of being betrayed. Too afraid of what other people might think. That they might judge me for what I am. I claim to not be bothered by what other people say, and most of the time, I am not, its only when someone I care about tells me something like that, is when I feel bad, bad being a very soft term for what I am implying. And thats why I never let anyone into my own space. Even my "best" friends don't know the half of what I am, the one fourth of what I comprise of. I have a lot of emotion in me that no one but me gets to see. Sometimes its reflected in these blogs that I write on an irregular basis. But more often that not, many feelings are never portrayed, because I never let them come out into the open. These blogs are my emotional valve, they let me be who I am, without being judged, without people thinking about what I am, then again I ask myself, why make them public if you don't want anyone to know, and the reply is that I do want people to know, I just don't want the people close to me to know. I don't want them knowing everything about me. I know it is weird, but that is the way I am, and the way I will be. The written word will always be stronger than anything else in my book.

A few lyrics that encapsulate the way I feel right now :

"I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention,
Yet I always try to hide
'Cos I talk to you like children,
tho I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed
'Cos it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said"