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Neurotron | 4 June 2004, 1:30pm

I've been taking some of these rather self-congratulatory online tests / quizzes.

The more of these dumbass tests I take, and the more questions about myself I answer, the more I'm hit by the sad realisation that I'm just not what I used to be anymore.

The fire's gone. The passion's on holiday. The zest is on leave. And the spark...I have no idea what's happened to the spark.
Yeah yeah, the tests are stupid and don't necessarily reflect on anything. But I look at the choices, see what I might have ticked just 3 years ago, and what I'm ticking now.

I feel old.
And I don't like it.

Is this what happens as we age? I want to feel a passion for some things. But it must be an all-encompassing passion, not a passing phase. I want to fight for something, to defend my belief. Sitting here all day, working for some company, getting paid, going home, watching TV, watching movies, playing the guitar, talking to friends, reading some book, listening to the same music...all this just doesn't do it for me anymore.


Give me back those days of thunder. Give me back that burning desire for tomorrow. Give me back that unpredictability, that heady feeling of not being in control yet willing to do ANYthing. Give me back the thrill of not knowing what I, myself, am going to do in the next five minutes.

Give me back the chaos of love. Give me back the risk of not eating tomorrow because I spent all my money on a movie today. Give me back the joy of risking it all, losing, and still thinking it was a damn good ride. Give me back the exhilaration of righteous defiance. Give me back the fearlessness. Give me back the illogicity. Give me back the wonder. Give me new rules so I can remember what it felt like to break the old rules with impunity.

Bring back the wild child, the maverick.

Give ME back.

Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: Desire - U2

Posted in General | Next | Previous | Comments (6) | Trackbacks (0)


  1. 1. By Aran  |  4 Jun 2004, 2:30pm

    3 things -

    How old are you?

    You play the guitar!!!! :D

    You do NOT want the chaos of love, even if you want all the other things listed up there. Believe me.

  2. 2. By mls  |  4 Jun 2004, 2:40pm

    can relate to the feeling somewhat... getting old and losing the wild child ...dont really feel alive and kicking without it!!

  3. 3. By Neurotron  |  4 Jun 2004, 3:25pm

    ~Aran : been raked over those coals before. And I do still want it...believe ME. Not to say I don't have love now; I want the chaos. And I would be a little surprised if you did not want any of the other things I've listed!

  4. 4. By patch  |  4 Jun 2004, 5:07pm

    where do i even begin to pick holes in your theory (re: mars vs venus)? so just a couple of things i must say, then. erm. ok women's lib is not to be dissed. if it weren't for the movement - and i'm not just talking bra-burning here - we wouldn't be where we are today. whoa. the premise of women's lib is not that women are equal to/better than men, but just that we deserve to have the choice to do what we want. to vote, to drive, to enter a career dominated by men, to stay home and have 10 kids. choice. and equal opportunity. that's all it's about. and men being designed to fuck around, well that's just convenient innit :) this is the classic nature vs nurture argument, and it has been said better by many before me, so i won't even try. i will be content however, to strongly object to one of your statements: 'Woman: not too keen on sex, but will give if stability is assured.' i'm pained, darling. simply pained.

  5. 5. By patch  |  4 Jun 2004, 5:18pm

    hm. long comment, no? but just one more thing: i know about old. strangely enough, been thinking (too much) about it also. ah, but the past does tend to take on a rosy hue doesn't it. and we gloss over the ugly bits. oh blah. i talk too much. ok so basically, the maverick is just a little wiser, one hopes. you're still there, though. and you can marry me anytime. now i'm going to stop with the talking.

  6. 6. By Neurotron  |  7 Jun 2004, 11:55am

    Patch dahling! Alright, for the Mars vs Venus last line, I was playing the odds...most common reaction. You probably don't fall into that category, eh? And like I kept saying throughout that post, there are many, many more related issues to the subject - I was addressing basic genetics, not women's lib. I'd much rather discuss such subjects in detail and under the influence. There just ain't no other way.
    Yes, the Maverick is wiser...and maybe, just maybe, the better off for it...

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