Back after "Normal Relationships"
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 20 March 2008, 7:58pmSo, Yea... I started writing again... It is not like I ever stopped writing... I stopped putting them up for everyone to read and go around smirking... But then I realized, a year and thrity five odd days of abstinence is all that I'm capable of!!
These introductions were always the hardest parts of the blog to write. I wanted them to be funny, so I could get people's attention, but I didn't want it to sound like I was trying too hard. Also, I almost never have anything to say here, and since I'm generally so laconic you can understand how I could be uncomfortable writing crap just to fill space. Not this time, though. I'm proud to announce my revival... and arrival.
Without sounding like too much of a braggart, I do believe this is the greatest site on the internet. You should definitely check it out and tell all your friends. My global fame and fortune depends on it. I promise I'll donate half of my wealth to Bill & Melinda Gates foundation (a.k.a Mr. Warren Buffet)
I've held onto this column for a while now. I'm still not sure I should publish it, but then again, what's the difference anymore.
The question is-
Have I ever been in a "normal" relationship? What would such a thing look like? Feel like? If it smells like ice-cream, feels like ice-cream and tastes like ice-cream, then what you probably have is an ice-cream in your hands; but what about the "thing" that two people share? If it feels like a relationship, is it? If it is, is it a "normal" one?
Confused, I went and did what an average internet buff of my generation always does... Type "normal" into Google and see what it comes up with. Since I know none of you lazy pricks would anyway do it; read on to know what I found-
Here are some definitions culled from what came back to me:
- Something regarded as a normative example
- Conforming with or constituting a norm or standard or level or type or social norm
- Not abnormal
- In accordance with scientific laws
- Forming a right angle
- Conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern
- Containing neither basic hydroxyl nor acid hydrogen
- Occurring naturally
If something is not normal it is abnormal. Though this may seem to be very circuitous at first, it's not a bad measuring stick. If I were to run around wearing an scream mask and all black waving a knife, that would be easy to define as "not normal". However, if I was to wear black clothing and white makeup and hum around my office, you could call me weird, but "abnormal" may be a little harsh. If nothing else you could say that I was more normal without the mask and knife. Now we're into relativities and perspectives.
As far as I know, I have been in accordance with scientific laws when I have been in my past relationships. I always observed the Law of Gravity. Natural selection has come into play a couple of times as well. If this was the only definition, I would have to say that all of my relationships have been normal. However, I realize, this is stupid. Scientific laws and relationships should not be discussed together.
While I may be scientifically normal, I have never formed a right angle in any relationship I have had. I'm just not that flexible... but that's another topic in itself.
Furthermore, no relationship I have ever been in has contained hydroxyl or acid hydrogen. At least not that I know of - Beer, Liquor, Tequila et al; but not that other crap. This was supposed to lead to a funnier punchline about being an engineer and not a chemistry major and the only physics I like is the physical kind, but you'll have to just imagine it. I'll pause to give you time to chuckle.
Better? OK...
I had been single now for... well... that would be difficult to determine. I don't know when my last girlfriend stopped returning my calls, but I would have to say I considered myself single about a week or two after that. While we were together it was magical. I never had to pretend to be anybody else and we had a great time together. I loved cuddling with her. I loved the smell of her hair. I loved the way the moon reflected off of her cheek. Wait. I'm reciting some cheesy novel, but you get the point.
Now that I think about it, I didn't love her. But; hey hold on, before you write me off as a bad person, let me finish.
From the beginning, it was more like an arrangement than a relationship. Sure we liked each other and had a great time together, but it had a built in self-destruct. At some point I was moving off and she was was staying put. What we formed was a special friends-with-benefits, but with our schedules, it was hard to schedule even that in. Who thought it would be so hard to schedule sex into your day? I either worked or pretended-working during the day into the evening. So did she. We both had "other things" that we did apart from each other.
Now the phone-call dilemma - one person has to call the other. I know this doesn't sound like much, but believe me, it was. She didn't have voicemail, so I could never leave a message. I had her on a special ring so I always knew when she was calling so I could run to the phone, but sometimes she would wait for me to call. Once we finally got hold of one another, we would have to make small talk about the day. Then we decided if we were going to get together and "watch a movie or something" or not.
Trust me; it wasn't all about sex. I knew exactly what my "job" was as a boyfriend. I took her on some fabulous dates. (Okay... two or three fabulous dates.) I made her dinner a couple times. Took her dancing on a riverboat for Valentine's Day. We went to the movies a couple of times. Both of us were very busy and poor. I asked myself, "Why not skip the going out part and just hang at one of our places?" Brilliant. We'd cook and watch F-1 and get high. It was a good time.
I'm not sure when the bottom fell out. I didn't think I was being too demanding, but then again, I should have known something was wrong when I didn't want to call her for a week because I knew she had some exam that she was studying for. A simple "Hi, how ya been?" from either party would have done it. So eventually, we faded. I'm not sure when we "broke up." I'm not sure what it was to begin with. I know that we actually had a talk at the beginning where we agreed upon calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend so that other people would have something to call us.
I don't regret a second of it. Maybe hindsight is covering up all the little things that used to bug me. I've romanticized it all by now, but that's a good thing as far as I am concerned. In the role of "boyfriend," I think I did a pretty good job. I was funny, sexy and charming; but I was also needy, petty and horny. A good mix is important. I didn't want to be the "one-that-got-away" but I wanted her to have happy memories of us... of me.
I did it all right, but it still ended. I know that was the plan. If we would have had a contract, the expiration date of what we had would have been in there. I comfort myself by telling myself that I know I'd do it all again
A relationship is never "normal," or maybe it's always "normal." Whether you ever say it or not, it's always an arrangement of some kind. Relationships are organic. They either grow or they die. They stay fresh by continual renewal or they stagnate. They evolve or they get left behind.
I'm trying to draw a parallel from "organic" to "occurring naturally," which is the last definition in the above list. it's there.
Comedians make a living out of joking about their pain. I'll never make a dime off of this. This started as a column about all the whacky relationships I've been in and the crazy women I've met.
Now it's... it is what it is... and that's life!!
Current Mood: Relieved
Current Music: Unforgivable Sinner
Posted in Personal | Next | Previous | Comments (5) | Trackbacks (0)
1. By country girl | 23 Mar 2008, 10:37am
A year and thirty five days a long long wait dude...
but what do I say, you just amaze me everytime!
Are you an Aamir Khan fan or something? One post a year definitely suggests that!
2. Re: Back after "Normal Relationships"
By C | 28 Apr 2008, 3:53pm
Dreamer...
It's always nice to come by a well written piece. Nicer still to encounter an attempt at honesty.
Have you ever been in a relationship you could not get over? That you would write about without listing your current mood as "relieved"? Don't answer if it's too personal.
3. Re: Back after "Normal Relationships"
By Stand-Alone Dreamer | 28 Apr 2008, 6:01pm
C - Thanks for the nice words...
Getting over relationships isn't a reason to be relieved... Relieved that I could finish the blog without getting too mushy...
4. "Getting over relationships isn't a reason to be relieved..."
By wannabe wallet | 30 Apr 2008, 2:38pm
Good line. I'm going to steal it.
5. I'm going to steal it
By Stand-Alone Dreamer | 2 May 2008, 2:13pm
Be my guess... I am all for sale...