Ever since that girl in the 9th grade dumped me for vomiting on her Linda Goodman's Love Signs hardcover, sun/star/zodiac signs and horoscopes are ought to get me. Everything's been heading south. This I realize is nature's way of giving it to people up the tailpipe for laughing at horoscopes. Horoscopes are not only scientifically sound, but in sync with Mother Nature and Father Whoever themselves.  


Their harmony with human subconscious and karmic higher-conscious states is overwhelmingly accurate, superseding mortal comatose and materialistic attributes that drive metaphysical phenomenon involuntarily, and not to mention as intricate as this totally badass sentence that I spent the last 20 minutes of my billable hours at work constructing.
 
So without wasting much space on inconsequential introductions, let me pen down the horoscope for the week:


Birthday Forecast: All those that were born in this week have Venus, the planet of beauty and pleasure, sitting in a strong position ruling your senses. But once you ask her politely to sit in another seat ensure that Serena doesn't take her place. The clarity of vision for your life in general is expected to get better this birthday. Because when wiping yourself off the pineapple cake that your so-called-pals smashed onto your giggling face, you will gain visibility as the cream comes off your eyeballs. Cleaner spectacles should help too.


Aries: Daring, risk-taking, energetic, friendly, careless, impulsive and childish is how Arians are. Wondering why your parents lied to you then, huh? Arians are the first of the zodiac signs which means they are very basic, instinctive humans. Most orangutans are Arians. You will have partial success in your endeavors this week. Getting to work with a partial moustache, or only one eye brow shaved, is not as bad as it sounds.


Taurus: Taureans are stubborn, stable, cautious, comfort-seeking, deliberate and slow. In your case except that last adjective, "slow", nothing seems to add up. Do not worry, though. Your week will not be slow. The speeding 18-wheeler will ensure that your frail body absorbs most of its momentum. Crawling on the road searching for your limbs and scattered intestines, you can get as deliberate as your zodiac suggests, and seek comfort in the warmth of your blood.


Gemini: Mercury, the planet of intellect and communication, rules this sign. Don't you just want to kill that son-of-a-gun chemistry teacher who said Mercury was something used in a kilometer? Or was it a thermometer? Or was it the physics teacher? Ah, kill them all! Such murderous thoughts will cross your mind several times this week. But the strong zodiac sign that you are, you’ll bring out your steely resolve and finally accept the fact that killing oneself is called suicide and not murder.


Cancer: Creative, generous, flamboyant, egotistical, selfish, attention-seeking and optimistic is how people often describe the next sun sign. You will have a terrific week ahead. Your growth will be unstoppable. Having a tumor the size of a football in your boob, and growing, is sure to get you all the attention you seek. Especially since you are a man. What else did you expect from a sign that is named so appropriately?

Leo: Majestic, like the lion representing your sign, you take pride in yourself. This week you will take this to the next level by trying to eat the children of your competitor like the lions do. Half way through the meal you will encounter a sudden thought that kitchen mice may not exactly be your competition in the true sense. Yes, they do eat the leftovers which your wife usually leaves for you, but they are in a league of their own.


Virgo: Virgo is known as the sign of service. You will do great service this week. Leaving the service door unlocked to your apartment complex will help your wife elope with her girlfriend. Standing inside the baseline, with the tennis ball traveling at over 120 mph landing inside the service box, you will hear a shattering noise before it breaks your box. The ambulance that pulls up to your tennis court will then accidentally run over the nice police dog on the service road. The policeman will use his service revolver on the guy who’s responsible. It would turnout that Virgo was known as the sign of service.

 

Libra: Librans require balance in their lives. You learnt this the first time you tried to ride a cycle. You bumped your head, but you kept at it. You learnt it again while trying to ride a motorcycle. You fractured your skull, but you kept at it. Now you’re learning it while trying to balance a four-wheeled car. Keep at it. With your balance you are sure to rear-end someone’s car and kill them this week. But no worries – in prison you are forced to follow a balanced diet. You’ll get well used to rear-ending in prisons, too.

 

Scorpio: Modern astrologers assign Pluto as the ruler of Scorpio. Ancient astrologers (unaware of Pluto’s existence) assigned Mars as the ruler of Scorpio.  Hell, if the experts cannot decide what you are, how do you even expect to have a future long enough to last a whole week? You were born and now it’s too late. Do you know what your most vulnerable body parts are? Reproductive organs and excretory system. How do you suppose astrologers probed into that piece of information, huh, sting boy?

 

Sagittarius: Never try to present Sagittarians with facts because they already have an unlimited supply which they gladly recite in rapid succession. How will your week be? “I will have only 56,987 people laughing at me this week. This is directly a result of me spending 57,567 seconds more in the bathroom rather than my showcase cage. The number of visitors to my side of the circus will also reduce a 49.2376 % due to the rapidly growing stench from my toe nails. Number of days without someone calling me a freak: 00.00008365.”

 

Capricorn:  Somewhere between the intellect of capris and the chutzpah of popcorn lies this ambitious sign. You will feel the power of the Saturn ruled sign this week. Ramming your head repeatedly into a mountain may have worked for the mountain goat that represents your sign, but for you it just leaves a bad headache. This kind of behaviour may turn you into the greatest personality of the sign Idi Amin. But the chances of you turning out to be like one of his charred bodies are much greater.

 

Aquarius: The astrological symbol for Aquarius is the figure of a man pouring water. The water is seen as mankind's collective consciousness. Or pee-pee as we call it in common language. Aquarians are ruled these days by Uranus. Note that even though the name of the planet contains an organ, it certainly is not the right end of where mankind’s collective consciousness is pouring from. Your week likewise will also have an end. It may not be the right end, but an end even so.

 

Pisces: Due to the lack of interest of the writer, and in more likelihood the reader, you are requested to pick your favourite choice from the list above. You can mix and match your death / insults from the platter that has been neatly spread over the other 11 signs and construct how pathetic your week is going to be. Special incentive of sparing you a doomsday prediction is up for grabs if you can come with an innovative way to die yourself.

 

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