Have you ever felt like running away from things that are omnipresent at every living moment of your life...? Like dissatisfaction, vainness and delicate human relationships.

I try really hard to comprehend what I want from life but this thought is obscured by my mind without me knowing it.

Everybody lives based on the idea of activity –movement, motion and shift. Well my life isn’t active then... cause I hardly see any shift or movement.

I have come to believe that the most addictive substances in life are not elsewhere but in you. Consider loneliness – I feel it is the most addictive thing in my life. My mind, my head, my thoughts and my dreams – these are the notions which make me stay put in the path I am now in. And the path is very confusing.

My mind is vague, hypocritical and insincere. And this makes me confused, insecure and indignant. And makes me unable to take responsibility of things or make clear decisions.

 I want to escape from all the seemingly fascinating details of life. But I have to live my life, irrespective of whether I want it or not! Situations and sometimes I myself have put me in places I least expected and never wanted to be in.

I once learnt that sometimes it is beyond us to hold on to things we really want, that the structured environment is actually supported by a chaotic foundation.

People tell me to “Let Go”... let go of my beliefs and dreams... let go of my silly ambitions and false ego... let go of my life as I know it and start a new one.

Well telling that and spelling that are so easy. But letting go of all that which was once and still is precious to you is not just difficult but sometimes impossible to do.

I have repeated mistakes, made the same errors lots of times, blundered after knowing that I blundered at the same circumstances previously. But I confess – I had actually lost track of time, I was lost in a web of others’ expectations and my own needs. I went astray in a maze of others’ demands and my wants.

Why do I do what I do to myself? Well I have no single answer and attribute it to many things - Anger, frustration, guilt, the chaos in and around you, the place you are in, the lack of trust with the people in your life and their lack of trust in you, loneliness, depression, feeling like an outcast, ego (at first) and then the resulting inferiority complex, expectations, demands, anxiety, fear and then finally self-pity.

I see so many people each day and most of them walk the conventional road. I know of some people who are actually lost on this road, but are still moving towards something. I sometimes feel that I want to walk in the opposite direction of all these people – look at things with a different perspective, recognize and put into action the very core of not being one of them.

When I see these conventional people, I realize that most of their wants are actually cravings and desires of things that they do not already have – like materialistic needs, money, rank, power, love and affection. But my wants are not based on greed, jealousy or lust– because I would not covet something that someone else has. I just want to discover and understand the various facets and features of being me. I want to know myself and the level to which I can accomplish things on my own.

Have you ever woken up in the morning, looked into the deepest corners of your vast mind and asked yourself - what do I do?

And here I end the post with the same thing that I started it with... Have you ever felt like running away from things that are omnipresent at every living moment of your life...? Like dissatisfaction, vainness and delicate human relationships.

I wonder at times if it is I who views situations this way or if it is others who view me.