Two minutes to midnight.
Neurotron | 20 August 2004, 1:53pmIt’s two minutes to midnight. In two minutes, I will be dead.
What am I supposed to be thinking of? I’ve heard all about the ‘whole life flashing in front of your eyes’ thing. Let me try. But where do I begin? From earliest childhood memories? From the time I began to think of myself as an individual, probably some time in my middle teens? From first love? Maybe I should start backwards. Maybe I should start by thinking of the people who mean the most to me now. My new friends, who could be as true or as false as those I’ve had before. Or my parents, and my constantly changing dynamics with them. The girl I love, who could make tonight forever, or make it disappear by the dawn.
What about the tunnel with the white light at the end of it…do I try and experience that? Or does that only happen when you are sliding slowly towards the end, and hence not applicable in this case. But maybe that’s the best way. I mean, is there ever a ‘good’ way to die? I think so. But I also think I’d want some time to reflect on the good times, to make the passing easier. Two minutes aren’t enough.
If you knew you were going to die soon, how long would you want to live with that knowledge? Two, five, ten minutes? An hour? A day? A week? And would you have enough perspective to not allow yourself to hold on tighter during that period? If I were to be diagnosed with a fatal, incurable disease, I think about one week would do it. That would probably give me enough time to talk to most of the people I really want to talk to. I don’t know if I would or wouldn’t tell them this will be the last time we speak, but maybe I’d like it to be as normal an interaction as possible. I’d try and swallow my tendency for the melodramatic.
There will always be so much more to say, with too little time left. Always. To my father, to my mother, to the people who I think consider me a good friend, to loves past and present, to other people I respect, and to those I am grateful and indebted to. And I have a little less than a minute left. Maybe now I should say goodbye to me. It may sound strange to some, but it sounds perfectly logical to me at this time. Maybe I should make peace with the fact that there will be no more discovery, no more wonder, no more experience, no more love. The music’s over – turn out the light.
Maybe the best way to go is to be happy at the end. Reconciled. With the past, with no regrets. Maybe that’s the way we should live life in the first place, so that there isn’t so much to think of at the end, when the moment arrives. So that there aren’t any ‘I love you’s unsaid, no ‘Thank you’ s forgotten, no dues unpaid, no gratitude unexpressed.
My time is almost up. Quick and painless, please.
Maybe I ought to try and find God. I mean, just in case.
Current Music: Suicide is painless - M*A*S*H (covered by Manic Street Preachers and Marilyn Manson)
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1. By doesitmatter | 20 Aug 2004, 2:53pm
such clarity, die in peace my friend. oh and may god be with you, just in case
2. By drp | 20 Aug 2004, 5:43pm
" I
3. By JLU | 21 Aug 2004, 10:55pm
One of the songs in my collection starts with the following speech: "Some people went around interviewing dying patients. But not one person said they regretted not making more money or not working harder. They all seemed to say their regrets were not spending more time with people they love and not travelling more and not relating more to..... the world, the planet"
That was quite an eye-opener for me - the contrasts between our everyday concerns Vs. what would really matter in the end.
4. By aloque | 22 Aug 2004, 2:46pm
worai,
seems too many people are writing about death around here, but this is the best one I read, because i related to your thoughts man.
JLU, if we didn't make enough money, or be good at our jobs, we might regret those things as well. Balance is everything.
5. By Script Writer | 22 Aug 2004, 6:54pm
You dying, Neurotron? Then whose name will I not spell wrongly? :)