WE LIE IN WAIT - Id Love to Wear a Rainbow
Stand-Alone Dreamer | 21 September 2004, 10:39pmI have, of late, not been a good blogger. Not only is the connection here absolutely unreliable (maddening in its technological disfunctionality), my life has also been extremely hectic, confusing and drastically busy. This city where I live is an unreal city: it's like seven cities in one. Living here is the constant practice of an extreme sport: a hardcore reality show, where simulacra becomes routine and reality blurs into sci-fi fairy tale madness.
While I have never been more disappointed about human nature, I have been feeling extremely enthusiastic about my work. Even though poverty is still the sign of my times (it has alwayz been that way, no matter what I earn) it looks like if I hang tough and don't kill myself before in a desperate act of weariness and utter melancholia, the future may even look quite bright...
My work and sporadic exposure to psychedelics of human mind are what keeps me going (especially working with a team at New Jersey, where I keep laughing and enjoying the exciting challenge of managing people who stop working when I wake up & vice-versa). I still continue to read a lot (poetry, critical theory & more psychoanalysis) and my beard keep growing...
If that profound form of sadness did not keep growing within me I guess there would be nothing to stop me from achieving now what I most deeply desire. Still, that pain is still there, and, ironically, gives me the energy to get up every morning and let my life run the show for itself..myself, whilst I play the role of an amused wayfarer...
Honestly, I am still amazed at how when things seem to be the worst I still manage to feel optimistic and energetic. I wonder if I only cheat myself, or if in reality I will always need that weariness, that deep sadness to face everyday in life.
Current Mood: Heartbroken
Current Music: - One Hand In My Pocket
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1. By Stupendous Man | 22 Sep 2004, 11:36am
you write so well. i esp liked your second last para.
psychoanalysis. twas something i always wanted to do.