algorithmic randomizations !

I reach work an hour before I actually should. I leave, an hour after I actually should. From < ?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />9 am to 1 pm, I worry about debugging and code execution. From 1 pm to 2 pm I worry about how much weight I'm putting on. From 2 to 6 pm I worry about all my mba entrances. From 6 to 7 pm I think about how an MBA may not be 'the all' for me. From 7 to 8 pm I wonder why I don't have a lot of friends anymore. I then wonder if I actually like that. I go home, have dinner, watch a lot of television and then worry about not studying enough. I have really begun to wonder now

Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: None

Waking up not to the morning paper being thrown through the door, but to the 9 o' clock news.

Spending more than an hour over a cup of chai,letting Winamp play the same song a million times over..Day dreaming with nobody actually interrupting and sayin ..'please execute the program ..and submit the assignment before Monday ..' ..Stopping later to remember what day it is today ..breathing fresh air ..and enjoying the moment ..stopping as I type this to do a little dance ..thank you Winamp ..Looking at the photographs on my desk ..and remembering all those times ..the laughs ..the  classes all bunked, the school dramas ..realising that ive actually had a childhood ..full of memories that i can actually recollect ..

Having the chance to have exhaustive conversations with my mom ..not just limited to the menu for lunch and my test scores ..Sayin good morning to 'all' the members of my family .

Bein able to live through the week inspite of all the frustration ,the tense moments ...the spoilt sweet curd , the vision of the future being one big blur .....the joy of it all ..

good morning Saturday !! :D

Current Mood: Grand
Current Music: Thank you -Alanis Morissette

hmm ..today felt like a blogging day ..
Wow !! Its been a week already at my first real job ever, feels like i started yesterday ..all tense..all worried that i might just turn out to be the dumbest person in the whole batch ..that i might get the definition of 'booting' all wrong in the first class, that i might be all shouted at for not being 'professional' , that i might spill the free coffee , that i might get late every single day ..that i might jus go to work and discover that my name isnt on the list at all !!
Yes, i was paranoid.
Not all of that happened though. I got a little late,but then so did the 90 other trainees :-)
I didnt spill coffee, cos i couldnt find the coffee machine.The only question i was asked was my name, i couldnt get that wrong !My name WAS on the list, twas the last name on the list !!
Its been alright, its not really a happy thing to be told every single day, that the only stupid constant thing in the IT industry is change..that we could get thrown out if we didnt 'learn' every single day , that having fun meant coding an online scrabble ..it wasnt entirely a thrilling experience to start studyin all the 20 odd subjects that i had already covered during my engineering ..and then to be tested on all that ..all over again ..:-|.
But there is a bright side ...the food is awesome !! Subsidised prices and what not ..The id cards are neat ..makes u feel all important ..the campus ..the office that is ..looks really nice when it rains ..the local train rides are comfortable and a lot of fun .I also finally have a designation ..im a PAT ..a programmer analyst trainee..yayyiee...Its a whole new world ..a world thats tough , but pays you back in more ways than one ..
Is this what i really wanna do ?! Thats a question ill keep asking myself throughout my life ..
So, until i find the answer to that one,keep wishin me luck !
:)


Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: none

Its been so so long since i posted anything.Here i am now,hoping that my straightened hair doesnt curl up in this hot and humid Chennai ..
Two weddings, one that was a consequence of love,and the other that consequently resulted in love. Weddings two years back for me used to be nothing more than food festivals , but now everytime i watch the whole ceremony, i invariably end up all moist eyed and emotional ....i just cant hold back the tears when i see the parents of the groom and the bride all relieved and happpy ..relieved that a 'burden' is now off their shoulders ..happy cos their son/daughter hasnt made the wrong choice ..hasnt 'strayed' and has kept the family banner flyin ..high ..
So as i sat in the first row watchin endless rituals being performed ...none of them understood by anybody ..includin the priests .. wondered if their was room for change anymore ..
If people could truly love and still truly keep everybody happy ..if it was wrong to love and go blind ..or if it was right to dance to some match maker's tunes ..
Both the couples were made for each other they said ..and there was more than one occasion when i had people from my family comin to me and whisperin 'Paaru paaru ...arranged kalyanam pannindu kudai avaa evvaloo happy aa irikaa ...nee kudai ibbidiai kalyanam panniko' ..Translation : 'See see ..theyve had an arranged marriage..but look at them theyre so happy ..u learn ..u also get married like this'

:D

Well ..not a bad thought ..

I was sick throughout the weddings ..gettin drenched in the hyd rains on the day of the journey wasnt such a good idea afterall...so i had to sniff my way through the dancing,the pujas and all the madness ...

The revelation..
That planning doesnt help ..ever ...that 'going with the flow' actually means 'dont even decide when to wake up tomorrow' ..
That strength is not something u can jus buy at a store ..its jus something that happens like a bad hair day ...unexpected and really inevitable ..

The Shatabdi express from Bangalore to Madras is awesome !! You get really good food ..at the right times ...the air conditioning is perfect..and best of all ..it does not halt at every street in town ..:)

Life goes on ...


Current Mood: Confused
Current Music: none

*tears hair out*
* mozilla beckons , so decides to type away!!*

I wish i had the guts to do these really brave things. Like for instance ,NOT watch the daily soaps on Star Plus.There should have a rehab centre for daily soap addicts as well.:-| It is so difficult to stay away ! I try to keep my mind occupied ,but then ,the protagonist's voice has some hyponotic quality about it and exactly at 10, im drawn to the television and then stuck ......and by the way i have insiders news that the serial in the 10.30 slot is going to take another 20 year old leap ..which means that the very-alive grandmother of the house will be 120 yrs old .!! yipppiiee !!
Suspension of disbelief is the only way out of this menace. You have to leave your sane brain somewhere you cant find it again , cos otherwise you will never be able to understand how a guy at 50 can get married for the fourth time and then have kids who eventually (5 episodes later) end up looking older than him !!
I cant get it , when the same set,the same house,is shown as this huge family mansion in one scene ,and in the next one,is shown as a posh restaurant with gawky looking waiters !!What do they think we are ??? fools ??!! I am one ,am i not ?*embarassed*
And oh yes, if you ever want to know how rich you can possibly get, one episode of any of these serials will help ,all the 'business' activities deal with an uncountable number of hundreds of crores ,in plush offices which are again in the same house cum restaurant set !!:-|
Every week , the 'good' family in the soap will incur losses running into a few hundred crores ,and mysteriously the losses happen because of a fire in some factory !!(again ,same set..)
Actresses always have make up on , even when they are in coma ,and coma happens as regularly as the common cold and interestingly, gets alright in the same amount of time as the common cold-7 days or 7 episodes ,whichever gets over first ! :-d
Every mother in the serial finds a new son,she never knew she had ,every week ..and every daughter in the serial gets married to a different guy every week ,has kids and then is slowly fazed out of the serial with two time-tested-proven methods --:
        a) Marry her off again for the nth time to a guy who lives in       another country,preferably where filming for prime time television isnt allowed.
        b) By the common cold ..oops the common coma method ..!!

The women always manage to have straight hair ,the vamp always does her make up twice -both the times with her eyes closed. And  in the kitchen , theres always a culinary strike of sorts --only two dishes are made --Gajar ka Halwa and parathas..:-|
Changing actors every few weeks for the same character is supposed to ensure high TRPs..now i want to know what TRP stands for ..:-p

Life goes on ..even after 700 episodes and a number of nervous breakdowns ..im still glued ..
Ive tried hard ...and i have been able to take out a little time for other activities like reading,studying and living ..

But im LOVIN IT !!( in typical daily soap anti-climax isshtyle !!) I am addicted and i feel proud to say so ...and if you are in the same state as I , dont be ashamed ..it isnt a bad thing as long as you take a walk or somethin when the glycerine fest starts ..:)
So all you daily-soap critics out there can go to hell ...or simply change the channel ..

:-p
:)                                  * credits roll*
                                 * theme song plays *

Current Mood: Grand
Current Music: Malarey ...in me head ..

Im studying for an exam that could be the last written one for a long time ..
I thought id give this one my bestest shot n all ...it was my last attempt at anything close to hardwork ...but sadly here i am again, doing the whole last minute cramming thing ..
I had bread and butter...it was awesome !! It reminded me of my school days , when we could carry tiffin boxes to school and there were a few girls who always brought the same stuff day after day for like 3 years !!!! Like Ms Nam who always brought lil cube shaped thingies of really heavily buttered bread ..ahh those skinny days .*sigh* ...and Ms Sr who always brought kichidi ,the yummiest there ever was and daddojanum again a very stylised name for something as simple as curd rice ..me thinks the name made it all tasty !:-p Another girl used to get the best salad in the whole world. It was a salad with finely chopped tomatoes,onions,cucumber in sweet n sour syrup ....

Then there was Amul who always managed to eat her lunch before anybody could even have a look at it ..it was a three level tiffin box ..those really big carrier dabbas ,the bottom one would have curd rice n pickle ,the middle one would have vaazhakaai fry and the top most one would have pickle rice !!!! All that for a break where lunch had to be eaten in the first 15 mins ..the remainin 45 minutes were spared for 5 stones and gossip !! There was deb..with her burnt maggi ..sad as it was ..it was still finished completely by girls who would eat up anythin that anyone called food/lunch !!! Anu would get the usual tomato curry and chapatis ..which she always took back home ..she usually forgot to eat her lunch cos she was too busy tryin to finish everybody elses, whether they liked it or not ..:-d and ofcourse there was aarthi ..all north indian .. her tiffin box even looked Mughulai !!:-p

Lunch breaks were always reasons for celebration during school ...i havent had a proper lunch break for almost a year now ...and i also wont have an exam to write for atleast another year ...so with due respect to all the hungry people there ...i have to say bye here ..more about my epicurean fantasies later ..tata !!!

:)

Current Mood: Bored
Current Music: none ..

Collectin memories ..
packing bags ...
the summers here ..
i gotta head back ..
to a life thats real ..
where i can be me ..
to unmask the face ..
and all the untruths beneath ..

thank you for being there.
all night and day.
thank you for always listenin,
to the little i had to say.
thank you for making me
take the stage,
and shielding me while i was there...always..

sorry i didnt give you more,
its just not meant to be,
a little dream i was living
i had to wake up in between.

In your memories i hope i live,
as you move on to give somebody else,
the space and all the love,
the attention and all the time..

i leave today,with no promise of tomorrow..
i know you cared.Not that you said so..
The time has come.
The long day is done.

Collecting memories ,packing bags,
the summers here, I gotta head back.


Current Mood: Gloomy
Current Music: Malarey

   I belong to a happy middle class family. I say 'happy' cos i have to. I say 'happy' cos middle class is often mistaken for ' definitely not rich' which umm.. is true ..but still, I belong to a very happy middle class family. So our preferred mode of inter-city transport is the 'train' .I say 'preferred' cos i do not want to sound like i dont have a choice, which i actually dont ,but still i am a happy middle class person who loves the excitement that the Indian Railways has to offer.
   But ive had the absolute privilege of sitting in a 'functional' aeroplane and then flyin to a couple of sight-see'able' places.Here again , i must add that if you are my father's boss then the next two lines are only for your very intense eyes.

   1) Leave fare Concession should be offered more than once in four yrs,and international travel should be allowed as well.

   2) Do not let my dad get back home early, my tv schedule goes all haywire, and that isnt good for my psyche.:-|

    Yeah, so where was I ,hmm ..yes the aeroplane ..*sigh* ..the experience was like Cinderella's grand ball..i looved it ..reasons being..
    1) The whole feeling of being all important and busy that you get once you enter the airport.Atleast thats how i feel.Like i have this really important meetin to attend or somethin ..:-p

    2) The fragrance inside the aircraft.That beautiful fragrance.I still dont understand how all the aircrafts belonging to so many companies can smell the same way . I mean, is it like this world famous air refreshner ,or some kinda drug to reduce non-land anxiety ..what is it ???(*desperate to know*)

    3) I love the whole 'you pay us a fortune and we'll pamper you' thing. We actually get magazines( so what if theyre just glossy tourism guides),we get toffees( i was 14 then , i could take a handful ) which dont really taste like anything at all , but then,that thrill of gettin a whole lot of freebies *sigh* ..

    4) That sorry tasting litchi drink, so nicely packaged, so politely offered, so gladly taken...aah.. .

    5)The food , sad as it may be , its still aircraft food, id eat it to the last bite, and every item seemed so special and sophisticated . They actually make a bowl of black grapes and papaya look like its one of those non pronounce'able' italian/french/non-indian desserts.Never before did i relish bun and butter so much --that was probably cos i used a butter knife for the first time in my life. And idlis and upma seemed like they were oriental delicacies.

    6)The teeny weeny windows on the aircraft.You cant put your hand out , you cant buy bread omlette from the vendor who will never have change,but then, you have these little curtains that are always clean and always smell so nice. You are as high as the clouds and can see em from so close, you start to get bored of that in a while but then soon, you will be offered some food again and then everything becomes alright.:)

    7)The air hostesses who always have a lot of make up on,and always manage to look so nice and actually be so nice to evvvverybody all the time.

    8)The air hostesses again who will give you free toys and gifts if you are less than 15 ys old...ones you can actually take home ..it was Christmas time then ..i got this really cute Santa Claus soft toy.. *sigh* ..those happy days..

    9)The air hostesses again , who will greet you at the entance even if you are just 4ft,10 inches tall.:-) ( i repeat , i was 13 then :-|)

   10 ) And the bestest reason of em all, you always have this really high probability of bumping into a celebrity. I saw Dimple Kapadia the first time i went to the airport, i didnt even know who she was then , but she still was  a celebrity yayyyyieee .I also managed to see Azhar..yayyyiee(even though i am not really a cricket fan person) ..and dozens of others..well maybe not dozens ...but still ...i got to see em ..yayyyieee..

   11) Those really cute stewards on those small tiny aircrafts.If you are that cute steward from that Indian Airlines small Kullu-Shimla flight,then "hhhiiiiiii !that dress i wore then was just a mistake , ive moved on to better designers now ..." and if you aernt that steward then point no 11 is not meant for you ..:-| please go to point number 12.:-|
  

 Well, there is no point number 12.

If you are that person who flew to Delhi for an interview, told me that your flight would leave at 8 , and then got me all nostalgic and depressed,then you in big trouble mister :-| You better sponsor my trip to umm anywhere ..and yeah, im flyin this time . They have to serve food on the flight ...plus make sure they give toffees as well ,make it first class , ive been in the economy....aaah never mind ..

'A dream is a wish your  heart makes ,whenever your fast asleep'
    --- Cinderella.      

Current Mood: Gloomy
Current Music: Cant fight the moonlight ...

13th Feb, Mumbai-Hyderabad Express  AS1 ..
    I sat ,cursin my fate,my back ached cos of all the travellin i had been doing.Lunch done,i went to throw the wrappers in the dustbin. The train moved on slowly ..from one unknown station to another ...
     This vendor came by,with a few shiny things in his hand.I wondered why people even bothered trying to sell anything on a train .A waste of time i believed it was..bad business strategy i believed it was ..why would anybody buy anything but food on a train ...books ..toys .. on a train ...why ????
     He was selling hair bands.I looked at them ...they were cute ..pretty black and white things with little flowers on them ..my lil sister wudve liked them ...He had a bag full of them ..he held a few in his hand ...held the bag on the same hand ...he looked uncomfortable ...my eyes scanned him to look for the cause ..my heart sank as i found it ..he didnt have an arm ..

    I ran back to my compartment ...told my mom ..and when he came there ..we bought two of those from him ..(10 bucks ) .i felt nice ..like i had done my bit ...he went only a little further ..his station had arrived i guessed ...nobody else bothered to even acknowledge his presence ..he hurried towards the exit ..he went past me ..and then came back and put another band on my lap ..i looked at him ..this expression asking him why ..a very very sad why ..'Keep it!' ..he said ..and got off the train ...leaving me without a chance to even say thank you ...I felt miserable ...and helpless ..I had pitied him and made an insignificant purchase ...but he emerged as the bigger person ...
  I may never see him again ...but he taught me what is probably one of life's most important lessons ...that of self worth ..of contentment in distress ..and most importantly ..of goodness in adversity ..thank you and God bless ..

Current Mood: Feeling Better
Current Music: I knew i loved you-Savage Garden

    Now where was I, hmm lemme see ..i was excited ...anxious and happy ..i was in S7 ,Charminar Express ,8.40pm ..i was on my way to Paradise ..to the lil paradise that came to be cos of the people i was with ..i was on my way to Chennai.It was the 20th of January.
   I spent the 7 most memorable days of my life in a land that was 782Kms away from home ..a land that became more than home in the next 7 days.
    The last year had been only about the life that was going to be ,the amount of money that had to be earned,about pressure,about winners and lessons,about love that could be,about life that should be.The only constant thing on my mind had been that i would fly away one day ..from the madness ,from the races ,from this hell to paradise.Well,divine intervention gave me wings ,even if it were only for 7 days ,divine intervention showed me a glimpse of the life that i wanted,of all the beautiful things that could be in store for me ..if.....
   Never before in my life did i play Uno cards with so much dedication...never before did a game of mafia,villagers and an angel have me in splits ...never before did i enjoy walkin more than a couple of kilometres at 2 in the night ..never before did i miss every moment the second after it went by ...never before did things feel so magical ...yet so real ..thank you.
   I had an experience that taught me so much,that made me open my eyes ..that taught me that digital cameras werent the bestest things in the world afterall ..that you should never wear your best pair of sandals to a beach ..nor should you wear your only pair of jeans to any place that smells of salt ..water and fish ....that knowing your mother tongue well does help ...and that its a bad idea to carry your application form to a foreign land hopin to fill it out and worse ..post it from there.
   I also learnt that it was meant to be,that everything around me is meant to be,that living every moment is as important as planning the next one.
   Memories, i always believed are like footprints on sand ....they are etched only to be replaced or washed away ..but these footprints i will not let go of ..those 7 days i will not forget ...that life i will live again ..that happy i want to be again ..Show me the way i used to say to Him....Take me there is what i tell Him now .... :-)
  

Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: Cruisin...

    Tell me how u manage to smile,
    even when the world around you cries,
    tell me how you race ahead against time,
    even as i slow down to stay alive,
    tell me what goes on in your mind,
    am i deluding myself,
    or is that special place really mine ?
    tell me the story of your life so far,
    of your heroes and exploits,
    of your journey to the person you are,
    tell me if you want your world,
    to be filled with you and your life,
    tell me and free me from your binds,
    tell me today,cos i need to know,
    if i am your today,and,
    if you want me to be your tomorrow?

Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: Fly Away-John Denver

finally...

     :-)
         1) Broadband has become cheaper and faster (or so they say).
         2) CAT is history. The war is over,no sign of victory but no great damage to the mind,soul,no suicidal instincts yet .
        3) The puppy's got a home.Raymond will find a new family again,to play with ,live with and grow up with (heres hoping that he finds his way back here again :-p).
        4)Clothes are beginning to fit again.So now,i actually get to open the closet,and even better-i get to wear the stuff inside it .
       5)College two days a week,national holidays on those days alone ! Two hours of classes,one hour of which goes into Headstart ! :-)
      6)Digital Camera dreams peeking from the future...therefore trying to be very nice to my dad.
      7)People going to the USA,I-20 dreams coming true ..very very happy for them.
      8)People promising to get me stuff from the USA ,still very very happy for them.
      9)Smiles all over,no unhappy faces , everybody has places to go to,everybodys on their way to their respective green pastures.
   10)Happiness has been multiplied 60*24 times.Thank you.
    11) A journey in the offing,an experience of a lifetime waiting ...a lifetime waiting..here i come.:-)
 
                      It IS the time to disco !!!

Current Mood: Grand
Current Music: Love me do ..

    The last one hour has probably been the most liberating hour in a long long time .
       We are stupid.  We are so so stupid. We get so caught up with our respective 'busy' lives that we overlook some of the most harmlessly beautiful moments that we could have with the people outside our respective spheres of academic,hanging-out'ic'  lives ...i spent the last hour with my sister ..all of 15 yrs old ...and relived the last 5 yrs of of my life ....we did nothing  except for giggling away at nothin at all ...listening to music that was a part of our crazy lives ..the ones we danced to ...actually practised the steps ...we relived those 'live' performances that were so enjoyed and 'appreciated' by our very own connoisseurs of music and dance( our parents ofcourse) ....it felt so good ...to be able to become me again ..even if it was only for an hour ...
       Why do we abandon a part of ourselves every time we set out to do something new? Why is it that we live our lives in phases ? Why cant we love always ...why is it that we cant love unconditionally the same way always ..?Why is it that in our efforts to become better ..'bigger' people we let go of the few good things that are a part of us by default ..? Why do we associate innocence only with childhood ? Why cant we always be happy ,and content ?Is life all about achievements ? Is life all about winning races ? Is life only about winning ?Why cant we actually live that elysian dream of a perfect green normal world ? Are we that stupid ? Have we got all our basics wrong ? Is is that difficult to do the right thing always ?If simple things make us happy , why do we always set our sights on things that could only complicate our lives further ? Why do i feel like im sayin all this only because i havent done anythin 'big' or anything worth mentioning with my life ...?Why do i feel like all this is a way of sayin 'i wanna give up' or worse ....'ive given up'...?
      Can we have a judicious mix of rat-race-stuff and simple-normal-stuff in our routine ? Can i still listen to music ,talk to my family, bring back old happy times and still crack a competitive examination ?Have all the successful people in the world given up on satisfaction ...on smiles ...on 'living'..? Will i be relegated to the background if i dont give up a part of me today ? Where do i belong ? To the ring ,or to the front row seats with the pop-corn,the screamin and the cheerin ?
      

Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: There ull be -Faith Hill

          Is this when i look around and wonder,
           Wonder how the worlds changed in one moment,
          Is this when i sit down ,and look back ,
            Look back at what made me this way,
          Is this when i wonder ,where i went so wrong,
           Went so wrong that now bliss seems so far away,
           Is this when i shut myself off,
            Shut myself from the questions,the answers and the pain,
           Is this when i realise that it was all just a dream ,
            A dream i thought i was living ..until today ..
          Is this when i look ahead , and search ,
            Search for that elusive bright spark that could light up today,
           Is this when i let go , of  all that i wanted,
            And start all over again ...
           Is this the time for a new beginning ,
            or Is it the end of everything that ever began ..?
                      

         

Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: none

     She waited at the door,
     all morn and night,
     hopin tht soon she wud see light,
     she waited at the door,
     and gazed into the darkness,
     she waited ...for her sailor to come by.

     Seasons changed,but at the door she stayed,
     " Oh sailor,of the oceans far far away,
      u told me you had to leave ,
       only to return...you told me
      in my arms is where you belong.,
      you told me tht our life would be one happy song."

       Nothing could stop her,
      "one day he will come by,
       for he is my knight of the seas,
      i let him go ,
      for i loved him,
      hes livin his dream,
       and im weavin mine...."

     " why ?" , they asked her wen she was all old and grey,
     "he didnt belong here, the waters were his home,
     he couldnt love you,for he was a slave of the winds...
     then why ,why did you stop living....
     look around you ,look at what u r missing!"
    
      with a smile tht said everythin but none,
      she replied  "The waters are his home,
      this threshold is mine ,
      he goes where the winds take him,
      and  one day they will bring him here"

     " this is my purpose,
       this wait is my life,
       this is not sorrow,
       not even pain,
       my sailor sent me a life,
       from so far far away"

Current Mood: Mooney
Current Music: annies song