men beware

Platonic Plaque – Plainly Platitudinous?

Platonic relationships are probably the best thing to have happened to the gender equation since the painfully sad demise of chivalry. Well, that concept has been dead and buried for a while now. Sigh.

Sometimes, we women come across a relic from the past – a classic movie or novel that displays a fine specimen of a man who lays his heart on a silver platter for his lady love (in great style) and, it strikes a chord (that’s what the teary eyes weep for – something that they long to see but probably never will, i.e. contrary to popular belief, it isn’t the sentimentality and the mush). But for the most part it doesn’t bother us if our guy pals do not hold the door open for us (definitely not applicable to boyfriends though). And it provides an opportunity to study the mind of the sex that baffles us so completely.

And guys are adorable creatures (as long as they don’t look at your new, in vogue haircut and ask if you actually paid for it). They are usually the ‘what you see is what you get’ type. Not very complex. They like something that has been said, and there is a prompt pat on the back and if they do not, then the ‘what the heck’ expression tells the story. But I really do not understand their noises yet. The grunts and the groans are a moss code unto themselves.

I do believe that a relationship is truly platonic only if both people involved find each other attractive but aren’t attracted to each other. Really, what’s the biggie about being platonic with someone you don’t find attractive!

A platonic relationship is awesome because it is based on a lot of mutual respect and genuine affection. And also because, there comes a day in every girl’s life when the parents stop gifting her soft toys, but the guy-friend never will! J! Even if that’s only because it requires little thinking. You guys did not think we knew that, did you?

And you get to compare notes on how to survive the competitive, high-pressure environment of the dating ritual. And if you happen to be friends with the Goddess of Love, you really just thank your stars!!

Current Mood: Preachy
Current Music: Bring Me to Life

I read a rather tragic forward written by some dude who honestly believed that he had cracked the one elusive, eternal, enigmatic mystery that plagues mankind - the operative word being 'man'. The poor deluded soul was convinced that he had the answer to the question Mel Gibson asked so eloquently when he did an entire full-length movie, "what do women want?".

And to take his vanity trip further, he compiled an e-dossier and sent it around the friggin' globe so that "you guys could benefit from the findings of the research", Well, his words. BTW, everything he said in there was supposed to be believable because he ended the literature with, "we don't have to call up girls anymore. They call us 'cos they actually like our company". That is about as believable as one of my girlfriends was when she said, "he is in love with me", alluding to a chappie who had asked her out an entire 15 minutes after she told him that she felt wretched about never having been kissed.

Anyhoo, the point to the whole deal is this, we will never know what the opposite sex wants, we are equally clueless about "what men want". I don't know if the world would have been a happier place if we did, but I do know that it would have been infinetely less interesting.

Helen Reddy, Meredith Brooks, Cyndi Lauper and perhaps even Shania Twain got it right with their music making quasi-anthems along the way - a power trip for the women, which when taken with a pinch of salt translates into 'a giant leap for mankind', this time there is no operative word.

Current Mood: Bored
Current Music: Meredith Brooks

No mention of the metrosexual male is quite complete without a reference to the heterosexual variety. Well, this is the dude who squirms at the mention of the bill you pay at the parlour, but would not have you looking any less good. This is the dude who brags about the configuration of his PC (as in personal computer...some of us move on less innocent tangents here), runs his index finger, absently, over the cd before pushing the tray in (really, what is that about?), thinks hair conditioner is a gimmick that works on the more gullible (but hogs the mirror on the good hair days), and this is the dude who would rather die than have a girl call him, "oooh honnney" in front of, "the guys".

Well, here's some brutal honesty fellas...we love calling you that 'cos we know it makes you go this pretty shade of scarlet and well, our mean streak totally digs that! And about the other things, those of us who aren't sold on the concept of, "pretty boys" might let you have them yet.

Ooh! And, do not criticise Mills and Boons because you don't understand them. They are just fantastic because you know that in the end everything will work out and there will be a, "happily ever after". And that's a cozy little feeling after some works of Maupassant and Wilde. You can criticise the useless Shah Rukh Khan movies though that are all the same mush and he isn't even cute, or mysterious and more crucially, because he will always remain wedged in between puberty and..... puberty! But don't even think of condemning My Fair Lady.

And what is this silliness about growing up? I don't think anyone should ever grow up so completely as to stop feeding the child in them. It is quite preposterous. And hypocritical, I dare add. Because you guys would go and watch stupid movies that have, "mind blowing action machcha!", and don't even get me started on the super hero fantasies you all secretly cherish.

Current Mood: Irreverent
Current Music: You are so vain - Carly Simons

The first time I came across a guy in a male G-string, my second reaction was, "progressive, revolutionary, liberated!". In case anyone is wondering about the first, then, well, try, "ma ma mia, ooh la la, dishy!".

Anyhoo, first things first. Bet my first reaction has propelled the Julie Andrews type ladies and the Boxer-shorts type men into cardiac arrest anyway, so we can safely assume that those of us still reading this fall in neither of the above categories and, perhaps more importantly, are alive and well.

About the second, well, turns out the style may not be so revolutionary afterall. It has been inspired by Indian tradition! Speaking of which, the sarees that men wore during the Lakme India Fashion Week last year and the male skirts showcased this year were a head turner for sure. And I, for one, thought that some of the guys looked alright, really! (except, I do hope Vijay Mallya does not try one of those skirts that he rumouredly bought. Would not want to see those legs.). Maybe, it is all about reinventing and redefining - that is probably what keeps the interest kicking.

Meterosexuality - well, that sure seems to be the latest fad. I have nothing against dudes who like to pamper themselves but that is only as long as they look like Hugh Grant in "About A Boy". The minute they start to look like one of them pretty boys one sees on the tube, they are off my radar for sure (ever notice how alike all the metrosexual Japanese men look?). And ofcourse, no competetion for the mirror boys!

All in all, I like where the new trends are heading. It is nice to come across a man who is really comfortable in his skin. No insecurities and no ego hassles. Now, that's a real man!

Current Mood: Wicked
Current Music: Man, I feel like a woman

Saw my shrink today. He is Nuts. Well, that's his name. Phil Nuts (not to be mistaken for the Dr Phil from the Oprah Winfrey show. That one is just nuts) . Just imagine if his name was Macadamian Nuts! His clinic is very tastefully (yeah, right!!) called "Couch Potato". Yes, he has some issues and, he has a shrink.

So he tells me, "Appleby, you will always shine". Well, helloo! Gloss finish, not matte. Duh! says that right on me! Brilliant, just BRILLIANT Doc! Can't believe I pay him 5000 bucks an hour for this dazzling display of genius. But anyway, this dude is quite like that wack job Ally McBeal had for a shrink just before she met Robert Downey Junior. And that explains why I keep going to him - in the hope of meeting a RD Jr. Sigh...I am an incorrigible optimist.

We tried hypnosis today. And it was cool. At the end of it I had him convinced he was a blood sucking Leach (Oh u didnt think i'd let him hypnotise me, did u?). And you know what he tells me? "Thank You". So I explained to him that I meant the animal and that it wasn't supposed to be a remark comlimenting his ability to really fleece people! By Jove! just the nerve of that guy...! Incase anyone really wants to know, he promptly snapped out of the trance.

Speaking of which, John Keats still sends me into that trance! It should be against the law to write so beautifully!

Current Music: First Touch

Sails Ahoy! Full Steam Ahead!

I am Appleby, Aphrodite's favourite possession. You will not catch her dead without me! Actually, since Goddesses are endowed with the gift of immortality, you will not catch her dead. Period. Anyway, you get my drift. She has no secrets from me. Whatever she says first goes through yours truly! (Yes location helps).

I am a divine shade of pink with a generous amount of glitter and, I taste like apples. And whenever I say that, people pronounce me schizophrenic!! For they believe that someone of my colour characteristics cannot be pink! May be green or even red, but at any rate, not pink! HUH! That is so dark ages. It is bigotry, racism and discrimination! Cannot believe that folks can be so colour driven! How can they make judgements based on colour and looks? It is an outrage!

Maybe they are just jealous, for I am Her (yeah with a capital H) favourite. And she loves the forbidden fruit. But the fact remains that I am divine, I am pink, I am applecious (Hoo! Hoo! Coined a new word!) and, I am in therapy. Hoo! Hoo!!

Current Mood: Triumphant
Current Music: Star - Bryan Adams

I have long tresses too and they have been standing on ends - I am under pressure to write punctual blogs! Poor, naive, innocent me had no clue that some kind of time frame had to be adhered to while blogging! I have been biting my nails in trepidation! It's a good thing my teeth can't bit thru plastic 'cos fake nails are expensive! Besides, my guy won't have any trouble with absent or misplaced commas. He isn't going to mind if i don't punctuate. He is going to be illiterate.

Current Music: golden eye

Blogging came highly recommended by a friend and well, you live only once so try anything twice right? But believe you me, I hadn't the darndest idea I was going to be stirring up such a hornet's nest (Heck, I didn't think anyone was even gonna read it!). I was expecting some disgruntled remarks from the men (and even my very first post did not disappoint) and I was expecting some "Yeah she is right man!" from them as well. All in good humour just like those T-shirts they wear that say," Why beer is better than women" that we aren't supposed to be disgruntled about. I mean, isn't that the fundamental law of nature, that what goes around comes around?

The hornet's nest I referred to earlier was with regard to a few things. I seem to have overlooked that everything is open to interpretations that there are different ways to view the same thing. Perspective, it is called. But that oversight turned out to be a good thing because what I was trying to offer was - perspective (in the two earlier posts) and so i embarked on a terrain less chartered. The truoble, I think, is that it is less chartered because no one wants to go there - to a place that perhaps shakes our cushy little worlds a little.

Anyway, I was banking on the cushion of anonymity that the internet so delighfully provides but then i forgot that my closest pals know the person behind the alias. And they seem worried. So to them I say, guys, they are not posts about pessimism. Infact, far from it. They are the result of random ramblings, of rap sessions held with the gals and the result of an impostor impersonating the goddess of love! They are posts from a woman who is tired of having boys tell her that true love is what Romeo had for Juliet and tired of the underlying implication. They are posts from a woman who really wishes that there were more women out there who would be more outspoken. They are posts from a woman who knows that, should there be a seriously disgruntled fella, he will have to go through you guys before he gets anywhere near me!!

My second post is not about optimism or pessimism. I wouldn't want it to be viewed in black or white. It is just perspective - to be read, ruminated over perhaps and then stashed away as some kind of an armchair analysis. I plead guilty to succumbing to rhetoric, but this was done only because I thought it would drive home a point. And was just that - rhetoric.

To PMoW, I think I sensed some concern in your comment and am hoping it was alleviated with that last sentence. As a gesture of appreication, I have tried to use punctuation in this post. But don't get used to it!!

Current Mood: Itching For One
Current Music: The Friends theme - I will be there for you

I am Aphrodite, the goddess of love (and clearly, delusional. You would be too if you had seen baaz: bird in danger). It is going on to 2 am now and i cant sleep (you would expect more of a night life from the goddess of love, but you would have to be delusional too to think I am the real deal anyway, so i am reaching out to the web with what ails me. I am worried that all great love stories end tragically. I am worried that all truly great love songs that shake the soul, are about heartbreak.Yet everyone still believes in that elusive fairytale where everyone gets to live happily everafter. Now, this concerns me deeply for I am the goddess of love. And because each new quest usually translates into more work for me (which gets in the way of my beauty regime). And cupid doesn't exactly make it easier for me because (and this a state secret) his favourite phrase is, "Oh blast! I missed". How else would you explain why the babbling idiot gets to go home with the hunk? It never ceases to amaze me how everybody who sets out to be a martyr in love, atleast at one point in time, alludes to Romeo and Juliet. It is perhaps the greatest love stories of all time. And what is truly staggering is that most people don't even know what it is really called. For if they did, they probably would not make a reference to it. It is called 'The Tragedy Of Romeo And Juliet'.

Current Music: right kinda wrong

Look around you and they are all over! They are in your homes, in the malls, in your workplace heck! Even in your beauty salons! God

Current Music: even more so